


Love Is A Bitch (Spencer Reid x Reader)

by loveforbabyreid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bondage, Choking, Daddy Kink, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Face Slapping, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hair-pulling, Light BDSM, Possessive Behavior, Praise Kink, Reader-Insert, Secret Relationship, Sexual Tension, Smut, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 92,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27174127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveforbabyreid/pseuds/loveforbabyreid
Summary: "God you're so fucking selfish" he stepped towards y/n, using his height in an attempt to intimidate her. But it only seemed to fire her up more."Yeah? And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?"-----Fuck buddies. That's all y/n and Spencer were to each other. She had just as much of a distaste for him as he did for her, so it wasn't hard to seperate their work life from their sex life. But something stands to make their relationship more complicated than that.WARNING: this story contains SMUT. So if you're not into that, please steer clear.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 131
Kudos: 396





	1. We Can't Do This Again.

He pulls himself out of her with a sigh, she rolls her eyes at his reaction. He flops onto the bed as she pushes herself off the wall, making her way into the bathroom. She cleans herself up before examining herself in the mirror.

"Asshole" she mutters under her breath, examining the multiple dark hickeys on her neck. She makes her way out, leaning against the door frame. "Feel better?" she spits outs sarcastically.

"Yeah" He retorts, his voice was flat and emotionless.

"Jeez, someone lacks manners." she scoffs "I know you don't exactly love me Reid, but you could at least say thanks." he remains silent, starring at the ceiling. " _Thanks y/n for sucking my dick and letting me almost choke you out, whilst fucking you into a wall. It was really nice of you_ " she mocks.

"Thanks" he lets out quietly, having to consciously push the words out of himself.

"You're welcome genius" she walks over to his bedroom door before turning around to face him. "Quick question, do you know where my shit is?"

"Probably the kitchen" Spencer sighs, standing up and pulling on his boxers.

"Sick" y/n says with a click of her tongue. Waltzing over and collecting her items off, not only the kitchen, but also the living room floor. Once all her belongings are in order, she picks up her keys from the breakfast bar, before popping her head back into Spencers room. "Same time next week?"

"Definitely" he smirks "See you tomorrow"

"Bye loser" she shouts before shutting his front door behind her.

It's been two and half months since this little ordeal began. Both Spencer and y/n aren't the best of pals, often avoiding each other in an effort not to rip each other to shreds. The rest of the team knows of their distaste for one another, often making an effort to keep them seperate. Luckily they're both integral to the team, meaning Hotch wouldn't dare kicking one of them off for their sometimes foul behaviour towards each other.

There was no reason for them to dislike each other as much as they do, but something just never seemed to click. He pissed her off with his constant jabbering, and she got on his nerves with her sometimes insensitive comments. It also didn't help that she took his place as the youngest, and was quickly accepted into the team. Everyone had a soft spot for y/n y/l/n, except Spencer.

It all started after a case two and half months ago. Y/n went into a warehouse chasing an unsub without back up. By the time the rest of the team arrived, she was pinned to a wall, knife against her throat. Spencer was the one to talk down the unsub, watching y/n sob in front of him, convinced she was going to die. He wasn't angry at her in the moment, but god was he enraged after thinking about it. So much so, that he felt the need to drive to her apartment to give her a piece of his mind.

\-----

_"What the fuck were you thinking?" Spencer growled, pushing past y/n into her apartment._

_"I'm sorry?" she bit back, bitterness already lacing her words._

_"Do you know how much danger you put yourself in, pulling that shit?" he said whilst pacing around her apartment._

_"Yeah? But I had to get him somehow." Spencer stayed silent, still pacing. "Will you please stop moving so fast! It's giving me motion sickness."_

_"You could have died, y/n" he stopped, crossing his arms, glaring at her._

_"Yeah, well I didn't" she shoots back, could he just leave her alone. She was shaken enough after tonights events, she didn't need him coming around to give her a lecture._

_"It's not always fucking about you y/n. How do you think I felt, watching you with a knife to your throat, crying and screaming for your life?" He shook his head, like a disapproving parent._

_"How you felt? I'm sorry Spencer, I didn't know that you were the one who almost got their throat slit." she was pissed now, more then pissed in fact. What gave him the right-_

_"God you're so fucking selfish" he stepped towards y/n, using his height in an attempt to intimidate her. But it only seemed to fire her up more._

_"Yeah? And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?"_

_\-----_

Suddenly they were tearing each others clothes off. Before each of them knew it, they were lying next to each other panting. Regret pushed its way onto their faces, but deep down, both of them never wanted it to end.

 _"We can't do this again"_ were her words to him. Spencer agreed that it would be a bad idea, they even shook hands on it, which everyone knows was a big thing for Spencer.

The thing is, they did keep their promise. For a week and half, until y/n turned up on Spencers door step, she was frustrated. She began ripping off her clothing before taking even one step into the door.

 _"We can't do this again"_ were her words to him, yet again.

Now, two and half months down the track, this is a weekly occurrence. It helps them wind down from their hectic work lives. The sex was always passionate, often hate filled, and that's what they both loved about it. Things haven't gone too far as of yet, but y/n can see it. One day Spencer will be too frustrated and she'll probably have to use the safe word, or worse she might get badly hurt. But that's kind of what she wanted. She hates to admit it, but she finds it exciting, the prospect of him having his way with her. She knows that it's fucked up, but she couldn't care less, she gets off, and he isn't such a dick to her at work. Win, win.

Spencer would never admit it, but y/n is actually growing on him. He finds himself staring at her, not because he's frustrated or horny, but because he would admire her. The way she would scrunch up her face at Morgan when he teased her. The way she fiddled with her hands when she was nervous. The way she bit her lip when she was excited. And the way she would look at him when she was completely and utterly happy. That's part of the reason he's so aggressive and rough with her when they have sex. To balance out the new found liking he had for her, he would degrade her in bed. He knew she didn't mind it. In fact by the way she responded, she loved it. He scared himself with how far he would take it at points, profusely apologising for days. She always shrugged it off though, _"I knew what I was getting myself into, Reid. Please don't worry."_ She would tell him time and time again. That was another thing he admired about her, the way she understood him.

As they both sat in seperate beds, they couldn't help but let their minds drift back to each other, and all the little things they liked about one another. They knew it would never work between them, but it hurt no one to imagine.

Just two people that hated each other.

But couldn't stop themselves from falling.

_Love is a bitch._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow another fanfic, who would have known.
> 
> hope you enjoy the first chapter, lets see where this takes us.


	2. Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: 
> 
> \- sexual assault 
> 
> \- almost smut

_\-----_

_Just two people that hated each other._

_But couldn't stop themselves from falling._

_Love is a bitch._

_\-----_

Exhaustion. That was the only way y/n could describe how she was feeling right now. Her legs and eyelids heavy, as she trailed behind Hotch like a little duckling into the precinct. She couldn't even pay attention to the conversation she was apparently having. Hotch introduced the team to the detective? She doesn't even know, the next thing she heard was something about the sheriff being back in twenty, and someone staying at the precinct with Reid to work on a geographical profile. 

Most of the team filed out, Spencer having to pull y/n back as she began following them out of the door. Y/n was so tired it felt as though she could collapse on the spot, Reid however, was the complete opposite. Although he's not a runner, not by a long shot, he had enough energy at the time to run 30 laps around the police station. He can tell y/n is out of it, sitting her down in one of the spare conference rooms as he went to get her a coffee. If you couldn't tell, y/n hasn't been sleeping, it's been four days since she's had a good night sleep. It was coming up on three months since she almost died and it was really coming back to haunt her. The bad dreams were relentless, so she just gave up trying to sleep. 

"Drink" Spencer pushes a warm cup of coffee into y/n's hands "you look like death". 

"You don't look too crash hot yourself, Doctor" she spits, taking a long sip of coffee. Spencer pushes his fingers through his hair, before staring down at her. 

"Y/n, I get that you're tired, but there's no need to lie" he smiled that stupid smug smirk of his, that made y/n melt unwillingly. 

"Well someone's cocky" She scoffs, scowling at his stupidly handsome face. 

"Am I wrong?" 

She lets out a heavy sigh "no." she says barley above a whisper, curse him and his annoyingly perfect hair and jawline. 

"That's what I thought" he begins to turn around, moving towards the files at the other end of the table. 

"Hey" She wines "That's so not fair, not everyone can just wake up, comb their fingers through their hair and look good." She smirks, the banter and coffee slowly bringing up her mood. 

"That's not my problem." Spencer started sticking things to the map in the room, not even turning around to face y/n. 

"I was having fun, you asshole. Even if it was for a tinsy winsy amount of time" she gestures, glaring at the back of his head. "Now you've just reminded me of why I hate you."

"Again" he turns "Not my problem" 

"Ugh, you're insufferable" she huffs, getting up from her seat making her way to the door. 

"All part of my charm" he smirks. Y/n sticks her middle finger up walking out the door, hearing the faint sound of Spencer yelling "You know you love me baby." 

"I really don't" she says in a hushed sing-song tone. 

Y/n begins to rummage through the stuff the team had accumulated, sitting on a desk in the prescient. She's trying and failing to find a specific file, buried underneath mountains of paper her and Spencer had forgotten to move into the conference room. She continued until she heard someone clear their throat behind her. ' _If that's Spencer I'm gonna murder him_ ' she thought to herself. She turns around to see a man who is definitely not Spencer, he has scruffy brown hair, that seems to be going grey and just an aura of sleaziness around him. She gives him a confused smile. 

"What's a pretty lady like you doing around here" his voice is low and raspy, almost like nails on a chalk board. 

"My job?" she uncomfortably laughs "SSA y/n y/l/n" she reaches out her hand, he takes it giving it a firm squeeze. He continues to hold on, as y/n tries to wrench her hand out of his grasp.

"Sheriff Dunthorp, pleasure to meet you." he's still shaking her hand, _why is he still shaking her hand?_ "I must say, you really are gorgeous" y/n lets out another forced laugh, finally getting control of her hand again. 

"Thank you, but I must really-" 

"Let me take you out sometime" Sheriff _Scumthorp_ says, placing his hand on the desk, boxing her in. 

"Uhhh, don't you uh- think that's a little unprofessional?" She cringes, her stomach doing cute little backflips and not in a good way. 

"Come on Angel, it'll be fun" He gets closer to her, she can smell his sour breath. 

"Sorry, but I'm not really interested." y/n attempts to snake her way around him, only to be stopped, he now has a firm grip on her ass, pulling her closer to him. _Is no one seeing this shit?_

"Please let go of me." 

Where the fuck is she? It can't be that hard to find a file. Spencer almost storms out of the room, if she was trying to get him back for before, she was doing a good job at it. He turns around the corner of the hallway, only to see y/n pressed against a desk by a man who seems to be the sheriff. She looks visibly uncomfortable, squirming to get out of the hold he had on her. A fire begins to form in Spencer, threatening to boil over as he makes his way over to the pair. 

"I-I have a boyfriend" she chokes out, writhing under his touch. 

"I know you don't Angel" 

"Actually, she does." Spencer yanks the revolting man off of her, he now looks visibly unimpressed. 

"You are _not_ her boyfriend" Even though Spencer is a lot taller than the Sheriff, he seems un phased by the attempted intimidation. 

"Actually I am, and I am politely asking you, to step the fuck away from her, before I bash your head in." y/n grabs a hold of Spencers arm giving him a small smile. Dunthorp turns to her, aiming to receive some pity, but getting none. 

"Come on babe, let's get back to work" Spencer begins to turn himself and y/n around before a hand grabs her wrist, she violently turns, scowling. _Will this greasy man ever stop?_

"What's going on here?" Another voice interjects, it was Hotch, that man is a godsend. 

"Are you going to tell him, or will I Sheriff?" Spencer spits, Hotch furrows his brow, crossing his arms over his chest. 

\-----

Now y/n and Spencer were filling out mountains of paperwork, thanks to their little encounter. They sit in comfortable silence, neither of them wanting to admit that they enjoy each others company, even if they were just sitting there. Y/n felt comforted by his presence and Spencer felt grateful to be able to help her. She raised her head to look at him, his hair fell over his face as he busily filled in the spaces on his page. She couldn't help but smile at how cute he was. As much as she 'hated' him, because between you and me we both know she didn't, she could still acknowledge how adorable he was at times. 

"Thanks" she sighs quietly, a smirk begins to grow on his face. 

"What was that?" is he really doing this right now? 

"Thank you" she says again, this time more reluctantly. 

"I'm sorry? I couldn't really hear you." He taps his ear.

"THANK YOU SPENCER" y/n yells in his face, he can't help but laugh at her frustration. 

"You're most very welcome" he tips his head forward, a smile still plastered on his face. 

"Are you always this annoying?" she scoffs. 

"I don't know, you tell me?" she hums in response, continuing her work. "I'm sorry that happened to you" She lifts her head back up with a sigh. 

"It happens, I already knew men were trash, he just solidified that fact." 

"He really was relentless wasn't he?" he chuckles a little, she laughs in return, catching his infectious dose of joy. 

"He really was, but thank god you came to the rescue, _babe"_

"Hey I purely used that for effect, how else was I supposed to get across the fact you were my 'girlfriend'?" his fingers gestured. 

"Touché, my friend... Either way, I really am thankful that you helped." she gave him a warm smile, gently rubbing his arm. 

"It's really no problem, I would do it again in a heartbeat, if it meant you felt safe." They stare at each other longly for a moment, before the door opens and they're pulled out of their little fantasy land. 

\----- 

There are three solid knocks on y/n's door, when she pulls it open, there stands Spencer, files in hand. He moves past her, into her hotel room. 

"Why don't you just come on in then" y/n says sarcastically, gesturing with her arm as he walks further into her room. 

"Hotch has a couple more things to sign, shouldn't take long." Spencer slightly raises the paper work in his hands, as y/n walks towards him. 

"All good" she takes the file from him, flipping through pages. "Spencer this is so long what the fuck? You said this would be quick." He shrugs, leaning against the wall. "You know what i'm not doing this now, I really need a shower." She drops the papers on the coffee table, swinging herself around. 

"Am I just supposed to wait?" She moves back to pick up the file again flipping through, pointing her finger when it gets to a certain page. 

"Oh look, there's things for you to sign too." she says with faux enthusiasm. 

"But- "

"No ifs not buts not coconuts mister, sit down and fill that shit out while I take a quick shower." She strolls out of the room, hearing Spencer yell to her for the second time today. 

"If I finish and you're still not done, I will bust down that bathroom door, you hear me?" 

"Loud and clear bitch boy." 

The water soothes her aching muscles, she climbs out of the hot shower, feeling fresh and relaxed and... horny? She stares at herself for a moment, debating in her head whether or not to just go for it. She knows Spencer has a ' _no funny business_ ' at work or on cases policy, but she could really use a good time. Maybe it might even make her sleep better, a good dicking down never hurt no body. _That was the saying right?_ Y/n tosses her hair slightly, taking one more look at her body before sliding the towel around her chest, she was definitely doing this. 

"Hey Reid, can you come here for a quick sec" she hears some shuffling around as he gets closer to the bathroom door. 

"Yeah, what is it?" his muffled voice makes its way through the thin walls. 

"I just need some help." Spencer opens the bathroom door, y/n stands there facing him, a sweet yet suspicious smile on her face, he furrows his brow. 

"What is it?" 

"Oh nothing too important, I just- need your help" She lets the towel slip, revealing herself to him. Spencers eyes widen and his jaw slacks a little as he takes in her figure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic has gotten me really excited, I can't wait for this story line to play out, i've got a few things planned. 
> 
> hope you have a great day 
> 
> -A


	3. No 'Buts', Spencer Reid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning:  
> \- hair pulling   
> \- choking   
> \- slapping   
> \- degradation kink   
> \- daddy kink  
> \- rough smut  
> -abuse 
> 
> \-----  
> wasn't gonna post this yet, but my treat to whoever's reading

_\-----_

_"What is it?"_

_"Oh nothing too important, I just- need your help" She lets the towel slip, revealing herself to him. Spencers eyes widen and his jaw slacks a little, as he takes in her figure._

_\-----_

"y/n, What are you doing?"

"I don't know, Spencer... What am I doing?" y/n twists her body side to side, innocently, biting her bottom lip. Spencer traces her figure with his eyes, barley able to hold himself together. Sometimes he forgets how perfect she is, curves in all the right places, plump lips, gorgeous hair that cascades down her back.

"It looks like you're disobeying me" They had agreed no fraternising at work or while on a case, but maybe he could make an exception, _just this once?_ No. He had to stand his ground, if he let her cross the line this time, what will stop her from doing it again?

"But Spencie..." y/n drags out his name, taking a step forward. "I need your help, don't you want it?" She gestures towards her crotch. God, he did want it, _so bad_. Come on Spencer, hold it together, you have more self control than that.

"Y/n, get dressed. Now." He bit his tongue, _hard_ , as y/n took another step towards him, running her hands down her sides.

"Oh Spencer, I can see it now." She shook her head, her voice low and hushed, "You do want it, don't you? And you're barley holding it together, one wrong move and you'll-" she grabbed his clothed cock, palming it through his pants, he let out a guttural moan "ah, there it is." He pushed her off of him, she stepped back with a smirk. She was winning, he knew it, she knew it, he needed to do something.

"Are you that much of a needy whore?"

"Baby, you already know I am" she giggled, stepping back towards him, he dodged her, feeling himself grow harder every second.

"Y/n, stop." She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout.

"Boo, you're no fun" her hands traveled down her body again, "If you're not gonna help me, I'll just have to help myself" Her fingers made their way to her clit, rubbing slow circles. She whimpered, and all Spencer could do was stand there, mouth slightly opened.

"Oh Spencer" she moaned, eye's fluttering shut "I want you so bad" her pace got faster, her breathing heavier "And I know you want me" He couldn't take much more of this teasing, he wanted to pin her against the sink, making her watch him fuck the shit out of her. He wanted to feel himself inside her, knowing that all the pleasure she was feeling was because of him. He wanted to put his fingers around that pretty little neck of hers, watching as she-

"-Please Daddy" She moaned out.

"That's enough" he grabbed her hand, pressing it behind her back.

"Finally" she scoffed "I was starting to think I broke you." She smirked, god that was hot. Heat rose to his cheeks, the burning made him realise, _she was being such a fucking brat_.

"Nope" he popped the p "I was just thinking about all the things I was gonna do to you... to punish you, for being such a fucking bitch" this only made her smile more, she crashed her lips into his. They feverishly kissed, he pushed his tongue into her mouth, hearing her moan into him. She began to move his hands all over her body, he relished in the feeling of rubbing her soft skin. She then undid his belt, pushing his pants and boxers down, before yanking off his shirt. He had almost forgot what he had promised, _punishment_. He flipped her, pressing her against the bathroom sink, yanking her head back to look at herself.

"I want you to watch what I'm doing to you" The hand in her hair moved to rub her clit, the other rested on her hip. He pushed himself into her, both letting out a moan, as she felt herself stretch. He began to pound into her, she rested her head on his shoulder. He took his hand that was once around her waist and lifted her chin up. "I said watch" he slapped her across the face, heat rushing to her core again, as her eyes flicked open. She was a complete mess, but she wouldn't want it any other way. The knot in her stomach grew tighter and tighter, she was barley holding on. She took his hand, moving it around her neck, he gently pressed on the sides, she squeezed it harder around her throat until her eyes rolled back.

"I-I'm g-gonna come, _oh god_ " black dots grew in her vision.

"Then come baby, come on my cock." at that moment she felt herself twitch, riding out the fuzzy euphoric feeling coursing through her veins. She barley even noticed that Spencer came not long after her, his cum dripping down her leg. She was in a completely different world now, her eyes heavy as she stared at herself in the mirror, a vision that looked unrecognisable. "Let me clean you up" Spencer pulls y/n from her dream like state, a wash cloth ran up her thigh. Spencer kissed her neck sweetly as she leaned into him. "The files are ready for you to sign, come out whenever." He pulled up his boxers and pants, leaving the room as he began to button up his shirt. 

"Oh my god, I completely forgot about those. I'll be out in a second, just gotta pee." She heard him grumble his approval, as she lowered her shaking legs onto the seat. She let out a long over due sigh, pulling herself up and beginning to wash her hands. There was a soft pink tinge in the shape of a hand mark on her cheek, it was from Spencer. She knew it would be gone by morning, but she didn't want it to be, and she had no idea why. Y/n ran her fingers across it, thinking back to the feeling of his hand harshly connecting with her cheek. 

He had never slapped her before, he kind felt bad that he did, it was a sort of heat of the moment thing. But when she looked back at him, there was this glimmer in her eye, he didn't know if it was hot or kind of scary. But she loved the sensation, she loved the thought of being slapped again. Sure she had been spanked before, by Spencer many times in fact, but getting hit across the face was almost completely different. It was more personal, if that makes sense, more sensitive. And she adored it. A little too much if she was being honest. She always felt so much more satisfied after rough sex, it was like a drug. And Spencer was an endless supply. 

"Y/n? are you okay." She had been in the bathroom a little too long. She scurried out, seeing Spencer relaxed on the couch. "Took you long enough" 

"I was just admiring myself." she shot back, in her usual sarcastic way. 

"And the marks I left on you?" he smirked, the familiar fire igniting behind his eyes. 

"Yeah- I saw those, thanks genius" he chuckled handing the papers over, she crouched down, scribbling in the required areas. 

"But seriously, you alright? You took a lot longer than usual." he sounded caring, but y/n wasn't buying it. 

"Someone's nosy today. Like I said, I was just admiring my goddess like figure." she gestured in the air, following her curves. 

"Okay. As long as you're fine." 

"Yes I'm fine 187, use that big brain of yours on something other than profiling me." she slid the paperwork back across the glass coffee table. He picked it up with a huff, making his way out the door. "Hey Spencer" he turned looking at her expectingly, maybe she would ask him to stay. "Fix your hair, you look like someone just gave you a real good fucking." of course she wasn't asking, idiot. You hated each other remember, Spencie. Spencer smoothed down his air stepping into the hallway. 

"Goodnight y/n" 

"Night" she quickly replied, shutting the door and locking it. 

\-----

"We're going to have to split up, SWAT are on the way. Be vigilant, we have no idea what this unsub is capable of."

The whole team split up, "clear" echoed through the halls of the almost vacant warehouse. Gun in hand, y/n made her way through, checking the large rooms. It was cold and eerie, Spencer felt goose bumps on his arms, not because of the cool breeze that was somehow on him, but because things just didn't seem right. 

The voices got further and further away as y/n ventured deeper into the rooms. She was slightly more alert today, whether it was because she was alone, or because of what Hotch said, or both, she didn't know. It was almost completely silent now, except for the sound of heavy breathing and a soft whimper. She turned the corner only to be met with one of the victims, tied to a chair sitting in the middle of the room. She began to make her way over, the girl seemed flustered shaking her head. Y/n attempted to calm her down, whispering soothing words into the air. As she got closer she thought she could hear the girl saying "No, No" but it was muffled by the gag around her mouth. 

Y/n braced for impact, as a hand collided with her face moments before she hit the cold cement. Her gun whipped out of her hand, sliding across the floor. Her head was pounding, she lifted a shaking hand, feeling a wet liquid in her hair. Blood. The vision of it dripping down her fingers made her eyes blurry, her stomach screamed. 

There was a sharp prick on her neck, a man she barley recognised climbed on top of her. 

"Shhhhh" he smoothed down her hair "Shhhh, so pretty" he whispered. She wanted to fight, she really did. But everything felt numb. 

Her soul was ripped from her body, as she watched the man frantically rip off her vest and clothing. She watched herself, it was an out of body experience and not in a good way. She wanted to scream for help, she wanted to scream for Spencer. But nothing came out, she only felt herself choke. 

"Help somebody please!" she yelled in her head "Spencer please, I'm here. Help me!" 

What was minutes felt like hours, the world fell into slow motion. It was probably the drugs. She wasn't paying attention to what was happening to her body, all she could worry about was when her team would come, when Spencer would come and save her. Hot tears ran down her cheeks as she stared at the man who was currently causing her so much pain. She knew she probably wouldn't die, but at the moment, she wished she would. 

"FBI, PUT YOUR HANDS UP." it sounded like the voice was underwater, her breath was shallow as the team rushed in. She wanted to scream and cry and plead, but again, nothing came out. She felt herself dip in and out of consciousness, blurs of people rushing by. She managed to tilt her head to the side, seeing Spencer, his eyes brimming with tears. 

She looked so helpless and defeated, and he felt like he couldn't do anything. There he was once again, watching y/n with a knife pressed to her throat. She looked beaten and bloody. He almost screamed when he saw her tilt her head, the knife grazing the side of her neck. The voices in the room blurred into one as he focused in on her, her eyes fluttering open and shut. She was at the mercy of this man, leaning over her. Her body was stripped almost naked, he wanted to rip his eyes away. But he couldn't, for her sake. 

Two shots rang out as Spencer leaped forward, pulling off his jacket, he placed it over her. 

"Y/n, open yours eyes." he tried shaking her "Come on open yours eyes for me baby" he whispered. He placed two wary fingers on her pulse...

_Nothing._

"Oh shit shit shit shit. WE NEED A MEDIC. NOW" He started his compressions "Come on. Let's go" He let out breathy words in between pumps, the sound of cracking making him want to throw up. She wheezed as her eyes shot open, tears now spewing from Spencer. "Oh my fucking god" He wrapped his arms around her "I thought I lost you, dear god" 

Medics came rushing in, sweeping y/n out of Spencers arms. He felt bare not holding her. JJ placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Words couldn't describe what he was feeling.

\-----

"You sure you're okay?" y/n was getting tired of hearing those words from Spencer as she attempted to carry her luggage onto the jet. 

"I am fine. Please just let me do this" 

"But-" he tried to argue. 

"No buts Spencer Reid, or I will not hesitate to punch you." Spencer put his hands up, knowing she was deadly serious. 

"Trouble in paradise?" Morgan chuckled as he brushed passed them on the jet, y/n instinctively put her finger up. 

"Y/l/n" Hotch said sternly.

"Come on man, I just got out of hospital, can't a girl catch a break?" 

"Fine, but I better not see that happen at work." a small grin appeared on his face.

"You got it boss man" y/n said, saluting him. 

They settled down for the five hour plane ride. Spencer wouldn't leave y/n alone, he was constantly asking her if she needed anything and checking her stitches. It was sweet at first, when she was in the hospital, but now she felt like she was being babied. 

She woke up two days after the attack screaming and crying for Spencer. He rushed in and held her hand for hours, the team were a little surprised by this development, especially because she probably didn't know he saved her. 

He was with her every hour of every day she was in there. Y/n honestly had no idea how long it had been, but she was just glad to be out of that place. Spencer however, knew exactly how long, one week, two days, thirteen hours, twenty seven minutes and fifty two seconds to be exact. 

Y/n was also grateful that the team had decided to stay with her, even when she had urged them to go home. Pen even flew out to visit. This further solidified in Spencers brain that y/n was in fact the favourite. 

"Do you know what day it is?" y/n whispered to Spencer as they made their way to their cars. 

"Sunday?" he replied almost like a question. 

"And you know what that means." a flirtatious smirk making its way onto her face. 

"You sure you're ready?" he asked hesitantly. 

"Oh my god, stop Spencer. Of course I'm sure" she turned to him innocently "See you at eight." she sauntered off. 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world" he yelled after her. 

Spencer knew y/n was given the all clear, but it still didn't stop him from worrying about whether she was rushing into this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i literally posted this today, more like a couple hours ago, and i already have way more hits and kudos then expected. thank you sooo much, it's honestly really encouraging.
> 
> you can also find my fics on wattpad (un:loveforbabyreid) if you like the lay out better, idk people have preferences 
> 
> again thank you so much for reading i love ya'll


	4. 3:21am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning:
> 
> \- choking  
> \- slapping  
> \- smut

\-----

_Spencer knew y/n was given the all clear, but it still didn't stop him from worrying about whether she was rushing into this._

\-----

Spencer leans against the doorway, y/n pulls him in, immediately kissing him, hands around his neck. She pulls off his shirt, going for his belt. 

"Wow someones needy tonight." she hums in response pulling him further into her apartment. She loosely ties up her hair, getting down on her knees before him. Her movements are rushed, frantic almost, he could see her slightly shaking. "Not that I'm complaining, but are you sure you want to do this?" 

"Completely sure" She looks up at him, yanking down his pants to reveal his erection. She moved her hand up and down his shaft, gathering his pre-cum. She smirked, placing her mouth over the tip, leaning in inch by inch. He let out a low moan, grabbing her hair lightly. She got lower and lower, gagging as he hit the back of her throat. Spencer couldn't help but notice how far she was pushing herself, again not like he was complaining, but it didn't seem right. His dick twitched in her mouth, he was close. 

"Come down my throat." She deep throated him again, watching him moan through blurry vision. She sucked in air as she pulled him out of her mouth. She rose, kissing Spencer. "How does it taste?" she whispered, Spencer moaned in response leaning into her. They made their way into her bedroom, lips not disconnecting until she was laying flat on his bed. He crawled over her, she was in awe of his dominance. His fingers found her clit, circling it a few times before pushing two fingers into her. 

"Such a little fucking whore" he whispered beside her ear. She grew wetter at the sound of his harsh words. ' _What would get a rise out of him?_ ' she thought. Before long she had a solution. She held in her moans, feeling the knot in her lower stomach grow tighter and tighter. Before long it was there, she shook, yelling out his name. He pulled away quickly, he was furious, _just the way she liked it._

"Did I say you could come, you fucking slut?" 

" _No Daddy_ " she said in the bitchiest tone she could. 

Suddenly his hand had struck her across the face, she flicks her head back biting her lip.

"Hit me again" he obliged, hitting her the same way he had moments before. 

"Harder come on" Hesitantly he hit her again, with slightly more force. 

"Again-" he paused at her words "Come on hit me!" he squeezed his eyes shut, raising his hand. 

"You can do better than that, pretty boy. Hit. Me."

"Stop!" he choked out, furrowing his brow. 

"I'm having fun, just hit me" a smile rose on her face. 

"You're having fun?"

"Ugh-" she rolled her eyes "Come on come on, just hit me again already"

The room fell silent, their heavy breaths and panting filling the air. 

"No y/n-"

"Fine- if you won't hit me, choke me" she puts his hands around her neck and squeezes tight as he tries to escape her grasp.

"What-" 

"Harder, choke me daddy. I know you want to." he yanks his hands away from her

"y/n stop" she scoffs, pulling his hands to choke her again "Red!"

"What? you never had a problem with it before" She sat up, scowling at him.

"I have a problem now, because you're making me hurt you" 

"And? its not like this is the first time you've hurt me" he was completely dumbfounded, of course he's hurt her, he's punished her before. But not like this. 

"I've hurt you?" 

"Really Spencer? As if you don't know" she crossed her arms over chest.

"y/n I-" 

"Well you liked it... and I like it- So just forget about it and come over and fuck me already." she shook her head quickly, shrugging her shoulders as she spoke.

"I'm not going to fuck you." Spencer attempted to catch her gaze.

"Why not? Is this not sexy, I can do sexy-" she began to get on her hands and knees, Spencer stopping her with his hand.

"Stop! I'm not gonna fuck you, because you're hurting yourself." 

"Why do you care? You hate me." she spat out acid. 

"I don't hate you."

"Yes you do." all Spencer could do was shake his head as the words frantically starting spilling from y/n "you use almost every opportunity to antagonise me. You always tell me how much I frustrate you, and how much you can't stand when I talk or I even just _fucking exist"_ her eyes became glassy, her voice more corse "You hate the way I won't shut up. You hate that I question you. You hate that I take risks. The way I never ask for your approval, or care about what you have to say when it comes to my _own_ decisions... And most importantly, you hate that you can't seem to figure me out." Her voice becomes quiet again as a tear falls down her cheek, hitting the bed sheets. 

"The only thing you do like about me is my body, and you still treat that like shit too" Spencer was speechless, he had no idea that was how she felt. 

"But the thing is, I don't blame you. I hate myself as well." Spencer knows he shouldn't be crying right now, it wasn't his right. But he couldn't help it, her emotional state and self loathing had broken him. He couldn't believe that someone so beautiful and strong could ever think of themselves that way. He had to say something, but he couldn't find the words. 

So he kissed her, and poured all of his adoration into the one embrace. She was hesitant at first, but his warmth was inviting, and the way his lips moved almost made her believe that he cared. 

"I could never hate you y/n." he whispered leaning his head softly against hers "I care for you more than I'd like to admit" 

"You don't have to lie" her voice was raspy and full of pain, all Spencer wanted to do was take all of her hurt and bury it deep within himself. He would do anything for her, even if it meant his own suffering. 

"Please don't think I'm lying. The only thing I hate is that you can't see how amazing you are." Her voice hitched at his words, he leaned in again, taking her soft lips in his. Trying to frantically kiss away her worries, even though he knew it would take a lot more to resolve the damage.

"Enough, Spencer" She pulled away from him, she had enough of all his stupid lies he was creating in an effort to make her feel better. "I think It's best if you just go" 

"No." Spencer said almost too quickly.

"Excuse me?" 

"I'm not leaving you, I don't want to leave you." He didn't want to tell her it's because she wasn't in the right mindset to be alone right now, because that would only make her feel worse. Spencer hates being babied and he wasn't going to do that y/n, Spencer is many things but he's not a hypocrite. 

"What if I want you to leave?" she said unsure, hoping he would continue to insist on staying. 

"Well that's not my problem" y/n cracked a smile, melting the building tension. 

"Good" she whispered, falling back into him. 

"You need to eat, you want Chinese?" she nodded, playing with his hand. "Okay, I'll order some." 

The pair ate in comfortable silence. Y/n was curled in the corner of the couch, nursing her box of noodles. Spencer sat relaxed at the other end, slowly inching closer towards her. She placed her food down on the coffee table, he followed suit. She made eye contact with him, her eyes brimming with tears again, Spencer could see her lip slightly quivering. He moved until she was curled up in his embrace, her face nuzzling into his chest. Her whimpers were quiet, almost undetectable, but in the silence of her apartment, her cries almost felt like they were bouncing off the walls. He relished in the feeling of being there for her, something's he's wanted to do basically from when he first met her. Y/n was right, he hated the fact he couldn't crack her, he still couldn't. But he was glad to finally see her walls crumble ever so slightly, showing how much she trusted him. 

Spencer was a vault, but to y/n he was an open book. She knew what he was feeling even before he felt it. His micro-expressions were like clear sentences to her, telling her when to press a situation and when to retreat. But as she sat crying into him, she couldn't help but feel like the roles were reversed. Like he knew her too well to even describe. He had done everything right, he had said everything she needed him to. Her body was pulling at itself, one side screaming about how was disingenuous, the other telling her to rip away every sort of barrier she had in place to protect herself. 

He cleaned up whilst she mindlessly searched multiple streaming platforms for a mind numbing show. When he was done he sat back down with her, she put her head in his lap and he played with her hair. Massaging her scalp, she played with the hem of his crewneck, scanning the overlocked stitch over and over again. 

They didn't speak most of the night, they didn't need to. They were both content just being together. 

Spencer hears y/n's light snores, checking his phone, 3:21am. He gently lifts her up, placing her under the covers, Spencer kisses her forehead. He stares at her a moment, sighing as he walked away to take his position on the couch again. 

"Spencer?" 

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." Even though it was dark, he could still make out her worried and confused expression. 

"Don't leave." 

"I was just gonna go sleep on the couch." he said pointing with his thumb. 

"No, can you stay here?" 

"Yeah, yeah I can." he tucked himself in next to her, she pressed her back against his chest. He slung his arm around her waist and she held onto him. 

They drift off in each others arms, Spencers breathing like a melody lulling y/n to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this fic so far, there's only more to come but I hope what Ive publish as of right now is engaging 
> 
> thank you to anyone who's reading, it really means a lot to me
> 
> remember to leave a kudos if you liked it 
> 
> i love ya'll 
> 
> -A


	5. Spare Keys and Stolen Glances

\-----

_They drift off in each others arms, Spencers breathing like a melody lulling y/n to sleep._

\-----

Three sharp knocks jolt y/n and Spencer awake, they look at each other frazzled and confused. During the night, y/n had switched positions, now they were face to face, her hands pressed to his chest. He didn't even have time to take in the sight of her, when the apartment door clicked and unlocked. Spencer scrambled to grab his gun from y/n's bedside dresser drawer, aiming it at the door as y/n nuzzled closer to him. Spencer was about to get up when her bedroom door flung open, to reveal a middle aged woman, dressed in nice clothing, with large dark sunglasses sitting on her nose. She didn't even flinch when she saw Spencer aiming a gun at her.

"What are you doing here mom?" y/n lowered Spencers hand, taking the weapon from him.

"Oh good, you've got a boyfriend. I was getting tired of that little phase of yours"

"What the fuck, Mom?" Phase? Spencer thought, what phase?

"That isn't very lady like, is it? I'm sure this young man doesn't approve of your vile language either."

"This _young man_ , doesn't have the right to tell me what I can and can't say and neither do you."

"Now you're just being rude, why don't you introduce me to him?" the older women crossed her hands over her chest.

"How did you even get in?" y/n sat up, resting her back on the bed head.

"I have a key."

"No you don't, I never gave you one." she spat, Spencer hadn't even seen her look at him with that much anger.

"I borrowed your spare and had one made." y/n's eyes widened in frustration, Spencer was afraid he'd have to hold her back.

"You stole my spare key!?"

"y/n y/m/n y/l/n don't be so so dramatic, I merely borrowed it until my own key arrived." Spencer wanted to disappear, he felt like he was intruding.

"Ugh, what are you even doing here?"

"I came to visit, _clearly_." she gestured towards herself.

"I've told you many times that I work on Mondays, what would've you done if I wasn't here?" y/n got up, slipping on a pair of sweats.

"I knew you were home."

"How?"

"The app on my phone said you were still at your apartment." y/n didn't even respond, she only pressed her eyes shut as her mouth dropped open.

She sighed, "Can you please go wait in the kitchen, I'll be out in a minute"

"Okay okay, I'll leave you alone with your little boy toy here" The woman left unwillingly.

Spencer had so many questions, but he knew it wasn't the right time. Y/n pinched the bridge of her nose as she paced around her room.

"Oh god, I'm sorry about her."

"It's okay, we all have moms" he said meekly, pulling his work pants back on.

"Yeah but is your mom this much of a bitch?" Spencer made his way towards her, running his hands over her arms. "God I just want her to leave."

"Um do you want to make up a work emergency or something?" y/n smiled up at him, admiring his efforts to help.

"Nah it's okay, if it's not today it'll be tomorrow, and if she doesn't get to meet you properly I won't hear the end of it."

They made their way out of y/n's room, Spencer trailing like a puppy dog behind her. Her mother is rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets.

"Y/n I will never understand why you-"

"Mom, meet Dr Spencer Reid. Spencer meet my mother." she turned around a rigid smile on her face.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs y/l/n" Spencer half smiled, before placing his hand on the small of y/n's back.

"Oh please, call me Jaclyn. How is my daughter so lucky to be dating a doctor?"

"We work together, and we're also not dating" y/n replied, Jaclyns smile turned sour as she grabbed y/n's wrist.

"Will you give me and my daughter a moment" She dragged y/n into the living room as Spencer nodded.

"So you're telling me, you're sleeping with a man you're not even dating?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes" She yanked her hand away.

"That's almost worse than your last relationship, with what was her name?" she stood shaking her head.

"Mom, who I date has nothing to do with you. Can you please just be nice to Spencer, and try not to bring up Emma... please?" y/n stormed out of the room, walking back into the kitchen.

"I'm gonna make some coffee, Spence do you want a tea instead?"

"That would be nice, thank you"

Y/n, her mother and Spencer all sat around y/n's small dining table in her apartment. The conversation was quite stale, and Spencer would see y/n get more and more frustrated as the talk went on.

"So you're a doctor, Spencer?" Jaclyn placed her coffee down.

"Yes I am."

"And you work at the BAU?" Spencer could tell she was confused.

"I'm not a doctor in a medical sense, if that's what you're asking."

"He has three PhD's in chemistry, mathematics and Engineering" y/n took pleasure in listing his achievements to her snobby mother.

"Wow very impressive." silence engulfed the room, y/n could see her mothers brain ticking and not in a good way. "So Spencer, if you're sleeping with my daughter, why aren't you dating her?"

"Mom!" y/n cried out in opposition.

"Uh, we just don't have that type of relationship." Spencer shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Is my daughter not good enough to have that kind of connection with?"

"No, no not at all, we uh- uh" Spencer couldn't find the right words.

"Mom will you please stop!?"

"Well, you are very smart man for not getting too heavily involved with her, no wonder you have three PhD's-" Spencer was mortified.

"-I'm sorry?" Spencers eyes widened.

"Spencer it's okay-"

"I will admit, y/n probably isn't the best person to date considering her past relationships"

"Mom stop it-" y/n tried to keep her voice hushed.

"I don't think you should be talking about her like that."

"I'm her mother, I can say what I'd like"

"I think you should leave." Spencer stood up.

"Excuse me?" Jaclyn shrieked.

"Spencer please- Mom just go, I'll call you later"

Jaclyn stormed out the door, leaving with a slam. Spencer crossed his arms, still shaking his head.

"What gives her the right to talk to you like that?"

"She's my mom, I'm used to it" 

"Well you shouldn't be, I don't understand how she could talk about her own daughter that way" Spencer shook his head, pacing the apartment.

"She's just an ass, and there's not much I can do about it really." Spencer was still moving, frustration over taking his features "there's no need to worry about her, I'm big girl and I deal with my mommy issues like one" She padded towards him, stopping his erratic movements.

"I just don't understand" he whispered.

"Maybe we should go out, get some air, clear that genius head of yours"

"Okay" he looked down at her "That sounds nice" she pushed up on her toes, placing an almost loving kiss on his lips.

Spencer was shocked to say the least, she had rendered him speechless. As she pulled away he swallowed hard, staring at her perfectly sculpted face as she began dragging him out the door.

 _Jesus christ Spencer, you're in deep_.

\-------

 _"Pretty. Boy."_ Morgan chimed, smoothly walking over to Spencers desk, "Tonight's the night my man, I'm gonna get you wasted and send you home with a pretty lady."

"How many times have I told you Morgan, I don't need your help getting girls-" before Spencer could even finish his sentence, y/n was inserting herself into the conversation.

"You sure about that Reid?" she didn't even look up from her work.

"Did I ask you to speak?" Spencer bit back.

"Hey you two, play nice" Derek chuckled "y/n, you coming out to witness Spencer getting hammered?"

"I'm not getting hammered!"

"Shut it genius, the adults are talking" Morgan gestured with his hand.

"Of course I am Morgan, have you met me?" she finally looked up with a bright smile, Spencer felt himself almost having to wipe drool off his chin.

"Now that's the type of enthusiasm I like to hear. _Reid-_ " Spencers attention now dragged away as y/n returned to her work.

"Morgan don't you have a job to do or something?" Spencer snapped, not being able to resist looking back at y/n.

"I will see you tonight wonder boy, dress nice, you've got some flirting to do" Spencer rolled his eyes, watching Morgan wink as he turned away. There was no way he was flirting with anyone tonight... unless it was y/n.

"Spencie" she sung.

"Uh yeah?" she lifted her, meeting his stare

"Why are you staring? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a crush on me" she smirked, watching him blush. He quickly contained himself, leaning over the desk.

"How about I pick you up tonight?" he changed the subject, desperately trying to take control of the exchange.

"Oh what a gentleman, what has little old me done to deserve you?" she teased, Spencer playing along.

"You've just been such a good girl lately, I thought I'd treat you like one." he whispered, watching her bite her lip.

"Oh yeah? Is a ride gonna be my only reward?"

"We'll have to see, if you continue to behave, I have some things in mind."

"Oh _doctor_ , do tell-"

"It looks like a lot of work is getting done" Hotch cleared his throat, peering down from his office. Spencer sprung back in his seat, but y/n stayed were she was, a smirk spreading across her face.

"Oh me and Doctor Reid are doing the most, sir. Just for you Aaron." she winked.

"You're lucky you're a good profiler, agent y/l/n." Hotch crossed his arms over his chest.

Y/n slowly leaned back in her chair, biting her lip. Spencer was in awe of her confidence, watching as she bit the tip of her pen, giggling to herself, as Morgan gave her a slow clap. This only drove home the fact she was the favourite child of the BAU.

\-----

"Take a picture, it'll last longer" Spencer didn't even know he was staring until he was standing in y/n's doorway for five seconds too long.

"I don't need to" Spencer tapped his temple "Eidetic memory"

"You're such a snob" she moved to the side letting Spencer in.

"How am I a snob?"

" _I don't need to, eidetic memory_ " she mocked him, pulling stupid faces as Spencer scrunched up his own.

"I do not sound like that!" he whined, his voice pitched higher than he'd like.

" _I do not sound like that!_ " she echoed, Spencer pursed his lips, taking a step forward.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." His voice low and dominant.

" _I wouldn't do that if I were you._ " she stared back at him with just as much power, Spencer licked his lips, feeling overwhelmed by her for the first time in a while. They slowly began edging towards the kitchen.

"Come on y/n, keep going, see where it gets you." He pinned her against the kitchen bench they glared at each other in silence, y/n took a step to the side, slowly raising her hands in surrender.

"Okay, I yield" she says calmly.

"Good girl"

"I'm not your good girl" she snaps back, Spencer chuckled at her scowl.

"Oh yeah? then why do you keep acting like it?"

"Because I get what I want if do, the only reason you just won was because I let you"

"Okay then why do I win every other time?" They were now a centimetre apart, their chests almost touching. Spencer was glad that they hadn't made contact, as he was fairly certain if they had, she would feel his heart skipping beats.

"I let you win, cause you're cute" She stared up at him with a smile, brushing a hair out of his face.

"You see, that still seems like I'm winning, I think you're cute yet I don't let that get in the way" Her smile drops as she purses her lips.

"I hate you."

"If that were true, I wouldn't be here" A silence engulfed them, y/n diverted her stare, "See, I just won again."

"It's cause you're jawline distracted me" she absentmindedly traced his face with her fingers.

"My jawline distracted you?" He chuckled as she grabbed his arm.

"Yes. Now come on, we're gonna be late" They stumbled down the hallway as Spencer continued to tease.

"If something as simple as my bone structure can throw you off, I don't know how you function when my c-"

"-okay pretty boy, put a cap on it."

"I'm just saying, if you're trying to convince me that you're the real dom in this relationship, you're doing a bad job at it." They stood a meter apart in the elevator, staring at each other in the mirror. Y/n put her head down, whispering into her shoulder.

 _"You're doing a bad job at it"_ she mumbles under her breath.

"What was that?" Silence, y/n looked up with her eyes, her head still angled at the floor, "Say it again."

"Sorry" she said, just above a whisper.

"Sorry?" He dragged the word.

"Sorry, Doctor."

"That's a good girl" y/n sighs, the doors creep open and Spencer steps out immediately "and I win"

"Shut up!" She trails behind him.

The car ride was normal, consisting of y/n and Spencer partaking is flirty banter. When comfortable silence would come, Spencer took the opportunity to glance over at y/n, taking in her appearance. She had a tight sequin dress on, that hugged in all the right places. Her makeup was bold but not over the top, she looked perfect. She didn't know she did, but Spencer knew. She'd catch his glances at points muttering an _'eyes on the road, pretty boy'_ , he would blush, attempting to mask his desire and adoration with wit.

_But she saw right through him._

She thought it was cute. His new found crush. But it also scared her, did he have feelings for her? Feelings beyond lust?

She had feelings for him too, but didn't know it yet. She had convinced herself that every gushy and lovey-dovey emotion she was experiencing, was just her being _'girly'_ and getting somewhat attached due to the sex. But it was getting harder and harder to hide it, especially when Spencer was doing such a bad job at hiding his feelings. Despite the fact he thought he was doing brilliant work.

"Are you gonna drink tonight?" He started the flow again.

"Is that a question?" She stared out the window, watching as the buildings blurred.

"I don't know? I just thought that maybe after you got hurt-" he said meekly, taken aback by her aggression.

"-Well my doctor said I was fine, and I _really_ need a distraction"

"Just don't be stupid, please?"

"Okay dad, I didn't realise I had a babysitter tonight"

"I'm not trying to be wet blanket, I'm just worried about you" he pulled up to the curb.

"Well I don't need you to worry about me Reid, I'm more than capable of looking after myself" She got out the car as soon as it stopped.

"I'm not saying you're not capable-" she slammed the door, making her way into the club.

"Y/n please wait" he called after her, watching as she disappeared into the dark surroundings.

Y/n stepped towards the table filled with her coworkers, hearing a mixture of laughter, cheering and greetings. She glanced back, watching Spencer scan the room, she slid into her seat, praying that he wouldn't be an ass and sit next to her. But low and behold Spencer Reid is an asshole, and can't take a hint. She glared at him, slamming down a shot. He tilted his head in disappointment, watching her have multiple shots within a short period of time.

Her words began to slur together as she giggled, taking another shot.

"Y/n please, I think you've had enough" Spencer warned.

"Hey y/n are you coming to dance" Emily cheered, Spencer grabbed her wrist as she reached for another drink. His stare was dominant, warning her not to do anything she'll regret. But she pushed it aside, peeling his hand off of her.

" _Sorry Daddy_ , no can do" she laughed, feeling the burn run down her throat, as she rushed to join her friends on the dance floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i should turn this into a hotch fic lol
> 
> and I swear to god one of these days i'm accidentally gonna write my name instead of y/n
> 
> Anyway hope you like this chapter, comment if you feel like it 
> 
> I love you guys


	6. Pinky Promise?

\-----

_"Sorry Daddy, no can do" she laughed, feeling the burn run down her throat, as she rushed to join her friends on the dance floor._

\-----

"Daddy?" Hotch swirled his drink, watching as the blush on Spencers cheeks began to fade.

"Don't even ask" Spencer leaned back in his seat with a huff, Rossi chuckled leaning forwarded, his voice fighting against the loud music.

"Reid there's no way I can't ask..."

"She's just drunk, she probably won't even remember any of this in the morning." He watched y/n grinding against Emily, swiping her fingers through her hair. 

She kept glancing back at Spencer, smiling and biting her lip. Spencer sat there stone faced, pushing back against her clear effort to get under his skin. As the songs went on, the more daring y/n became. She made her way from the group she was in to another, filled with people she had never met before. Spencer clenched his fists watching as she rubbed up against the strangers. She was getting very cozy with one of the girls in the group, placing her hands around the back of the blonde girls neck. 

The others made their way back to the table, their chests rising and falling rapidly. Spencer scanned them, seeing that y/n was still out on the floor. 

"Wait, where's y/l/n?" Penelope's eyes flicked around the table.

"There." Spencer said, his voice sounding more annoyed than he wanted it to be, pointing with his index finger. Y/n was now clinging to the tallest guy in the group. 

"Oh wow" Morgan smirked, clapping his hands. 

"That's my bitch!" Emily screamed, seeing y/n's attention now drawn to Prentiss. She gave a flirty wave, winking as she turned her face back. 

She continued to dance a little while longer, Spencer becoming more and more frustrated. Everyone's eyes were on her as she leaned in, passionately kissing the guy who was currently grinding against her. Cheers erupted from the team, Spencer's jaw clenched. Y/n took the guys hand, leading him off the dance floor. But instead of going back to the table, she began to make her way towards the door. The cheers returned as Spencer quickly stood up, sliding out of his seat. 

"Someone's gonna have some fun tonight" Morgan cooed. 

"No she's not" Spencer interjected, walking towards her "She's too drunk for this shit." 

He blocked out the many voices telling him not to interfere. It wasn't that he was angry at her for getting with someone else, he didn't own her and he knew that, he was just worried. She had a lot to drink and he knew how people can think and act, more specifically he knew how men could act. A pretty young girl, who was drunk out her mind was easy to subdue and take advantage of. He wasn't trying to be a white knight, he just wanted her to be safe and her mental state at the moment would keep her from that. 

He grabbed her wrist, stopping as she almost pushed open the heavy club doors. She lazily lifted her head, her smile faded when she saw Spencer standing there. 

"Y/n I'm gonna take you home" He said firmly, watching the strange mans face crumple in confusion. 

"Actually- no" she slurred "I'm getting taken home by- uh, sorry what's your name?" she giggled. 

"Will" he smirked. 

"By Will" y/n said, firmly patting the guys chest. 

"Actually, no." he echoed her previous words "You're too drunk, now come on" he began to pull her wrist.

She yanked it away "Spencer, I'll do what I want" she stuttered, her words completely, merging together. 

"Yeah she'll do what she wants" Will chuckled, Spencer angrily bit the inside of his cheek. 

"Shut the fuck up before I make you." Spencer said calmly before turning back to y/n "Please don't make this harder than it has to be." 

"Who even are you man?" Spencer felt the anger boil inside him again, was he gonna pull this card? He thought. 

_Yes_ , yes he was. 

He reached into his pocket, flashing his badge. 

"Dr Spencer Reid, FBI... And I'm her boyfriend." Will slowly put his hands up, releasing his hold on y/n's waist. 

"He's not my boyfriend!" she whined, but the guy was long gone. "I hate you. Why do you always have to suck!?" She stamped her foot, Spencer shrugged fighting the smirk climbing on his face. 

"Great, now i'm gonna have to find someone else-" she began walking away, but Spencer pulled her back. "Spencer let me go." 

"The hard way it is" He quickly picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder. 

"Ugh, I hate you." She beat her fists on his back. 

"You already said that" she flicked the side of his head "We're going to my car, I'm gonna take you home, and you're gonna sleep off the alcohol." 

"But I don't wanna go home." she cried, defeatedly slumping against his back.

"Oh well that's too bad. And since you continue to complain, I'm going to stay with you and make sure you're alright." 

"I don't need a babysitter, ugh- why are you so annoying?" 

"Sorry I care" he said sarcastically, watching her squirm as he placed her in the passenger seat, closing the door.

She murmured ' _I hate you_ 's' all the way back to her apartment, Spencer only chuckled as she huffed. She would sometimes pipe up to tell him that she was _very_ unhappy with what he did, and she wasn't even that drunk, and that now she'll never get banged and _blah blah blah_. On and on and on about how he took away her one shot at pleasure. He had to assure her many times, that she would indeed have sex again, and the alcohol was clouding her judgement. 

She fell down onto her bed, Spencer carrying in her stuff from the car, kicking the door closed with his foot. 

"Spencer whyyyyy? Why did you do this? I'll never get laid again" She buried her face in her hands pretending to cry. 

"Y/n I can assure you, you will get laid again, just not tonight." She continued to 'sob', he pulled her up by her hands, so their eye's met. "Y/n I promise you, I will make it's my life's mission, to help you get laid again, _after_ tonight. But only if you behave." 

"You will?" she said innocently "You actually promise?" sticking out her pinky finger. Spencer couldn't help but laugh, she was totally out of it.

"I promise" he took his pinky, linking it with hers. "Okay now, let's get you ready for bed."

"But I'm not tired Spencer." She whined again, pouting.

"Y/n I really don't care, you need to sleep."

"Ugh fine, you're such a party pooper" Spencer playfully stuck out his bottom lip, she slapped his arm stumbling to her closet.

She lazily flung her shoes off onto the ground, she fiddled with the zipper for a little bit, before pointing at it.

"Help?" Spencer walked over, letting her out of her dress, she stepped out. She began to stare at him blankly, he waved his hand in front of face, trying to get her attention. "Oh no." her eyes widened, before she took off into the bathroom. Spencer followed quickly behind her, gently lifting her hair and rubbing her back as she spilled her guts into the toilet.

She finally hung her head back, placing her hand on her cheek. Spencer continued to push the hair off her forehead, mindlessly rubbing circles with his hand.

"I'm disgusting" she sighed.

"No you're not, you've just had too much to drink. Do you want some water?"

"Yes please" she sat patiently waiting for him on the floor. She felt cold without his touch, she wanted him next to her so she could further admire his face. She wanted to see his lips more specifically, and the way he ran his tongue over them when he was thinking. After what felt like hours, he calmly set the glass in her hand, she quickly skulled it. Her hazy consciousness was fighting against the little self control she had left, the alcohol ultimately winning.

"God, you're really fucking pretty." She titled her head, scanning him.

"Thank you?" He chuckled, feeling her reach out, grasping his face with her dainty hands.

"Like everything about you is perfect" her words began to slur again, "Look at your hair, it flops so nicely. Oh and your eyes don't even get me _started_ , on your eyes." She paused again, he almost laughed at how hard she was thinking.

"and your lips" she ran her thumb over them "they're so soft... I just want to mwah, smooch them" he actually laughed this time "you know what, I actually might" she grabbed both of his cheeks tightly, pulling him in for a lazy kiss, before dragging his face back out. He was pissing himself at this point, her face contorted, the familiar crinkle between her eyes.

"Don't laugh!" She complained, which only made him laugh more.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're just- too cute."

"I'm not cute... I'm hot."

"Yes you are" he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

In her drunk haze, y/n didn't even realise they had been staring at each other for way longer then they should be.

"Can I kiss you?" Spencer cupped her cheek, she scrunched up her face.

"Why are you asking?" She swiped her tongue over her lips, he rubbed slow circles with his thumb.

"Because I want to." She was quickly sobering up from Spencer's sentimentality.

"Well, why do you want to?" She spoke softly, Spencer was just going to have to trust that the alcohol would do its job and she wouldn't remember what he was about to say.

"Because I have feelings for you..." a smile crept onto her lips, she blinked slowly, moving in closer.

She whispered, her face only centimetres from him "Then what are you waiting for?"

He pulled her in, he could taste the rum that still lingered on her lips. They had kissed so many times before, but now it was so different. The kiss wasn't feverish, or filled with the fake hate they had for each other. The passion was still there but something else had emerged too, but Spencer couldn't put his finger on it. She was holding the back of his neck as if he would disappear at any moment, Spencer deepened the kiss in an attempt to convince her that he wasn't going anywhere. But her grasp only grew stronger, as she pulled herself up to straddle him. He pushed his fingers through her hair, feeling as she smiled against his lips. When he finally pulled away, she still had her eyes closed, a soft smile still on her playing on her lips.

"That was nice." She opened her eyes to look at him, she yawned and leaned against him, he gently ran his hands over her back.

"Come on, you need some sleep." She yawned again, as he helped her up off the bathroom floor. 

She laid on the bed, smiling up at him, he began to memorise her face. He memorised the way her lips turned up on the sides and the way her eye's brightened. He turned away, aiming to get her some Advil for the morning. He was stopped when her voice interjected.

"No stay." She whined, he turned to see her grasping at the air.

"I'm going to get you some Advil, sleepy head. Now try and rest, i'll be back in a few minutes."

The short walk to the kitchen gave him just enough time to think over all the decisions he made tonight. What would he do if she _did_ remember his little confession? More importantly, what would he do if she didn't feel the same way? All of his worries melted when he returned to the room, seeing her lightly murmuring in her sleep, clutching the covers. He placed the glass of water and the medicine on her side table, climbing under the sheets with her, pulling y/n closer to his chest. He heard a small sigh of contentment as he ran his fingers through her hair again, massaging her scalp lightly.

"You don't understand how much you confuse me Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n" he whispered, drifting off.

\-----

"You are the nicest asshole I have ever met." She yelled out, walking shakily into the kitchen, swallowing the Advil she found next to her bed. She stopped still, her mouth dropping open. "Are those waffles?" She pushed herself up onto the kitchen counter.

"Maybe..." Spencer turned himself slightly to look at her smiling face.

"Oh my god, I love you so much" she said jokingly, moving over to rest her chin on his shoulder, watching him continue to make breakfast.

"Well what's not to love?" he looked down at her, as her smile turned to a scowl.

"You ruined it." She squinted for a moment "Wait-" She began to jump around, moving her legs in weird directions.

"Um, what are you doing?" She put a finger up to shush him, still moving around.

"We slept together right?"

"Well I slept in your bed, but nothing happened if that's what you're asking?" He began to put the waffles on a plate, pushing it on the counter towards her.

"Good, I thought you'd gone soft." He scrunched up his face, as she happily dug into her breakfast.

"What?"

"Well my legs don't hurt, they always hurt after our little _rendezvous_. I was worried you went all _'make love'_ on me." She giggled, Spencer's face dropped and he tilted his head.

"I'm kinda hurt that you think so little of me." placing a hand on his chest.

"Well I'm sorry Doctor Reid, but I wouldn't be surprised. If I didn't know you were the choke her out kinda guy, I so would have thought you'd be a softy. Only have sex when you're in _love_ type of person." He took a step forward as she placed her plate on the counter, looking up at him with a smirk.

"Well maybe I should remind you just what kind of guy I am." He played with the hem of her underwear.

"Oh yeah? And what kind of guy are you?" She bit her lip, moving to try and grind against him.

"The kind that makes needly little sluts wait" he turned away, moving to get his breakfast.

"Boo, you're so mean" He chuckled, making his way to sit down with her.

"So... what exactly do you remember?" He asked nervously, chewing the inside of his cheek.

"God not much" Spencer let out a sigh of relief. "I remember you taking me home after I almost left with some random fucking guy, so thanks." She stopped to think for a second "I remember getting back to the apartment and complaining about something, but god knows what it was. And then I threw up, sorry, and then nothing. So I assume I just went to sleep." She took another bite "So, what did I miss?"

"You pretty much got it, you remembered the important stuff" he laughed.

"Well that's good" They sat in comfortable silence for a second as they finished their food. "Are you doing anything today?" Spencer looked up for a moment.

"Uh no, why?"

"Wanna go get lunch or something, maybe have a picnic? I don't know, I just don't want to be alone, and I need to get out of this fucking apartment" Spencer couldn't help but smile at her now unsure face.

"I wouldn't mind a picnic." She looked up in disbelief.

"Really?"

"Yes really, why would I say no?"

"I just thought maybe you might be sick of me, I don't know." She pursed her lips.

"As much as you annoy me, I don't think I could get sick of you." She looked up, her face glowing with surprise.

"Well what are you waiting for genius, we're going on a fucking picnic baby." She skipped out of her seat excitedly. 

\-----

They sat by the pond, feeling the breeze hit their faces. Y/n couldn't stop laughing, she was leaning against Spencer's chest, as they looked out, taking in their surroundings.

"You're telling me, you had to _carry me_ out of that club last night?"

"Oh yeah, and don't even get me started on the fact I had to promise you that I'd help you get laid because I ' _deprived'_ you of the opportunity." Her eyes widened, she looked up at him mortified

"You had to what!?"

"I said what I said." She broke down laughing even more, he admired the way she tried to stop herself multiple times.

"Where have you been all my life? You have saved my ass so many times." She looked up at him, her face now with a sad smile.

"Wait what's wrong?"

"I'm just sorry you had to put up with my fucking bullshit for so long." She bit her bottom lip.

"Y/n can I ask you something?"

"Anything" she turned to look back out at the scenery.

"Why did your mom keep bringing up your past relationships?" She sighed, moving away from him, so she had a full view of his face.

"Lets just say, she didn't like my ex"

"Why? What did he do?" He said meekly, trying not to overstep his boundaries.

"Because _he,_ was a she" she said with a small smile.

"Oh, I see." She nodded at him "I don't mean to pry, but why did you break up?"

"Nothing juicy, she moved away for her job and I started working at the BAU. Long distance and demanding work was not really a good mix."

"Yeah that makes sense." He looked down avoiding her eyes "So I assume that's what she meant by a 'phase'?"

"Ugh, I forgot she said that. Curse you and your insanely good memory." she let out a sad laugh.

"Sorry"

"No, no need to apologise for having an eidetic memory." she held his cheek "It's not your fault you have an amazing little brain up there" He grinned as she tapped his temple lightly. "But yeah, that was indeed the 'phase' she was referring to. She just- doesn't understand it. She doesn't understand a lot of things about me." 

"Does she at least try?" Spencer asked gently. 

"Nope, I don't think she likes me very much anymore, so she just doesn't bother." she glanced up at him, an unsure look on her face. Spencer gave a sad smile, pushing her to keep going. "When I was younger, she uh, really wanted me to be perfect you know, so she could live vicariously through me. It didn't work, obviously, since now I aim to be the complete opposite of her. But it uh, it really fucked me up, I think." she fiddled with Spencer's fingers, a smile crept on her face when he held her hand. 

"I never felt good enough for her. I was never pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough" She pursed her lips "She wanted me to be everything and nothing at the same time. I needed to be outspoken but shut up when I was told. I needed to be effortless but not a slob. And I don't know, sometimes I still feel like I'm not good enough. But I just, stopped trying, I guess." she hung her head back "ugh you have probably had enough of my dumb rambles by now. Just another stupid girl who thinks she has issues, right?" she chuckled. 

"I think you're enough. I think you're more than enough, I think you're everything." She giggled as he pushed the hair out of her face. "I think... I think you're the most perfect human being I have met in my entire life." 

"Pinky promise?" she stuck out her finger. Spencer chuckled at the memory of last night, linking his pinky with hers. 

"Pinky promise." as they shook on it, y/n gazed into his eyes. 

_Would now be a good time to tell him about her dream?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im currently writing this in english class, we were supposed to be a having a class discussion but I would rather be writing this for ya'll
> 
> I hope you guys like how I mostly use Spencers pov, I thought it was cool since spencers being such a simp for y/n atm. I'm thinking of flipping pov at the end of this chapter, so get ready to hear what y/n has to say about all this shit. 
> 
> Also i'm glad you guys are liking this story cause i've put a lot more thought and effort into this one and i'm happy to see it's kind of paying off
> 
> please keep leaving comments i love reading them. 
> 
> oops i almost forgot thank you so much for surpassing 700 reads, I never expected to get so many in such a small amount of time so thank youuuuuu


	7. Halloween Special ~ Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since halloween is mgg's day i knew i had to do a halloween special. I hope you like it, it made me smile way too much.
> 
> also if you my fucking stupid typos... no you didn't

\-----

"Oh sweet!" Spencer stops in front of her desk "Nice nails y/n"

"Thanks" she stops looking down at her hands. Her fingers were decorated with a black base and tiny little orange blobs, that kind of resembled pumpkins. "I wanted it to be spooky you know, cause halloween. But now I think they kind of just look stupid." 

"Well I think they look really cool." he flashed a sweet smile, she couldn't helped smiling back. 

"Thanks again" Spencer gave a curt nod moving back to his desk "Wait Spencer!" he turned back around to see a wide grin splashed on her face. 

"Yeah?"

"Can I paint your nails?" she bit her lip in excitement. 

"O-okay" he nodded with a smile. 

"Since it's halloween tomorrow, why don't you come over to my place after work. We can watch whatever movie you want, i'll paint your nails, and oh I can give you a tarot card reading." Spencer loved the sound of that, but he toned down his reaction in order to not come off too excited. 

"That sounds great y/n. What time do you want me?" 

"Oh the usual, like eight?" she tilted her head, taking a spit of her coffee. 

"Perfect." Spencer put two thumbs up, melting into his chair. 

\-----

"How do I look?" y/n stood in the door frame. She was wearing a black corset top, with a tight leather mini skirt, thigh high latex boots and a black pair of wings with halo to top it all off. She was decked out in glitter and her hair was softly curled. Would it be weird if Spencer said she looked absolutely fucking amazing?

"Like a sexy angel?" she gestured for him to walk inside. 

"A sexy _dark_ angel." she pointed a finger in his face "It's halloween I can't just be a normal angel." 

"Why didn't you tell me you were dressing up? I would have got a costume too." Spencer put the wine on her counter, before settling in to the couch. 

"It was a last minute decision" She slumped next to him, unable to get the smile off her face. 

"Either way you look great." a sheepish smile now on his. 

"Really!?" she said excitedly. 

"Yeah, you look so fucking good." His voice lowered, his tongue darting out and over his lips. 

"Oh yeah?" She stood up slowly standing in front of him. 

"Does my pretty little Angel want to give me a spin?" she tilted her head again, before slowly spinning around. "That's my girl..." 

She moved towards him, straddling his lap. They stared at each other daringly for a few moments, she began to rock back and forward on his hips. 

"Someone's needy." he grabbed her waist, feeling his length press against his tight pants. A few sharp knocks hit the front door. 

"Ooo, foods here." She sprung up out of her seat, Spencer leaned over the couch to get a better view as she walked away. "Thank you" she dragged out the phrase, pulling some cash out of her bra. Spencer watched amused as the young delivery boy, who couldn't have been older than 19, gawked at the sight of her. She kicked the door closed, placing the pizza box on the coffee table. 

They settled back into their seats, Spencer turning on whatever Russian horror film he wanted to put y/n through tonight. After cleaning away the food, y/n brought out her nail polishes, she sat extremely giddy as Spencer picked out the colours he liked. She held his hand, delicately painting each of his nails. He sat in awe as she happily completed the last coat, twisting the cap back on and sighing in contentment. 

"You should wear nail polish more often, it looks great." Spencer put his hand up, examining them. 

"It really does huh?" 

The two sat cuddle up on the couch until the movie ended, Spencer couldn't stop staring at his nails. He never thought something so trivial could bring him so much joy. 

Y/n pulled herself out of his grasp, quickly running to her room and grabbing a small decorated box. She placed it on the coffee table, sitting cross legged at one end, whilst Spencer sat on the couch at the other. She took a large deck of cards from the box, sliding it out and placing it face down on the table. 

"So, since i'm assuming you know nothing about tarot, i'm going to give you a very basic reading tonight, okay?" 

"Did you know that tarot cards were never actually designed for fortune telling, that's actually quite a modern use for them. They actually date back to the 15th century and was originally a card game called Tarocchi. The earliest evidence for tarot being used for divination or 'predicting the future' was in the 18th century." he rambled excitedly, he had never had a reading done but the whole concept fascinated him. 

"I should have seen that coming." She signed, pursing her lips "Either way, i'm just gonna give you a reading that focuses on present advice." 

"Okay, so what do I have do?" 

"Nothing really, i'm just gonna shuffle the cards and you can pick three cards by either splitting the deck or spreading them on the table and choosing the ones that speak to you." Spencer gave a curt nod, a small smile making its way onto his face. "You can just think of what advice you want from the cards whilst I shuffle, when you want me to stop, just tell me." 

Y/n began delicately shuffling the cards in her hands, Spencer admired the intricate design on the back of the cards. They sat in comfortable silence for a little, whilst Spencer waited for the right moment to tell her to stop. 

"Stop." he said quietly, y/n put the deck down and pushed it towards him. 

"Okay, split or spread?" Spencer sat for a few seconds, before neatly splitting the deck in half, waiting for further instructions. "Now just take three cards from one of the decks and place them face down on the table." Spencer did so, y/n pushed the remanding cards aside, before slowly flipping each card over. 

Spencer scanned the cards on the table, the first depicted an over flowing cup of water, held by a dainty hand. The next was an elegantly dressed woman, surrounded by feminine symbolism. And the last were two naked fames facing the image of a goddess type figure in the sky. 

"Wow, two major arcana and an ace all upright, those are some powerful cards, Spencie." Spencer had no idea what she meant, but he smiled anyway. She reached out placing her finger on the first card. "Ace of cups, love and new relationships." she began, with a large grin on her face "You have come into an abundance of love, whether that's receiving love or giving it. You're surrounded" Spencer listened intently, y/n giggled at the innocent childlike expression of wonder he had on his face "Now is the time to open up, accept the love you think you don't deserve and make deeper connections with those around you. You may have come into a new relationship that is now flourishing, hold onto it, you've found something really special." 

She reached out, placing her hand on the next card. "The Empress. Femininity, beauty and Abundance. You're surrounded by life's pleasures, everything is finally clicking into place and you're comfortable and happy. Take a moment to reflect on all you've been given in life, appreciate the relationships you have at the moment." y/n bit her lip slightly, looking up at Spencer who was still fixated on the cards. "It can also mean you have become in touch with your feminine side, or a prominent feminine energy has entered your life, bringing you new opportunities." 

Lastly, y/n placed her fingers on the final card, smiling as she read out the name "The Lovers" Spencer looked up to see a soft blush on her face. She got up and moved to sit next to Spencer, lowering her voice "Harmony, relationships... Love. It represents meaningful connections. When this card appears in a reading it usually means you have a beautiful, soul honouring and unfiltered connection with a loved one. You may have found your soulmate, the sexual energy between the two of you goes way beyond lust and passion, it's something almost spiritual." Spencer looked up to face her, realising that she had been observing him for a while now "You're one lucky man Spencer, you better not let her go." 

Spencer held her chin placing a delicate kiss on her lips. She smiled into it, before pulling away and resting her head on his. 

"Dance with me." she whispered. 

"I'm not much of a dancer." He quietly added. 

"It wasn't a question, genius" she pulled him up, turning on some music. 

She pulled him closer to her, resting her head on his shoulder. He buried his face in her neck, taking in her scent as they slowly swayed to the music. 

_'We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January... This is our place, we make the rules'_

They felt their breathing synchronise, their hearts beating together to the pulse of the music. Y/n pulled away slightly, cupping Spencers cheek. 

"I have to tell you, I'm so fucking happy right now" she said, searching his eyes as he paused. 

He didn't say a word, only taking both of his hands and holding her face. He leaned in pulling her in for a passionate and all consuming kiss. 

_'Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?'_

It felt as if the music was swirling around them as they kissed in the middle of her living room. Spencer finally pulled away, swinging y/n out and dipping her. She giggled as she hung in arms, watching as he loomed over her, a beautiful smile spread over his face. 

_'Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever?'_

He spun her, watching as her curls moved around her, framing her best features. He spun her out again, before swinging her back in only for their lips to collide with each others. His hands moved to her hair, tanglinging in it as she hummed into his mouth. 

_'And ah, take me out, and take me home...'_

His hands moved to her waist and she clung to his neck. Their bodies pressed together as Spencer pushed y/n against her living room wall. His hands moved over her curves as he kissed her neck, leaving small purple marks. She pulled his face back up, admiring him for a moment before giving him a deep and passionate kiss. Their mouths fought for dominance, as their tongues danced around each others. 

_'You're my, my, my, my...'_

Spencer was woken abruptly by his alarm, a layer of sweat covered his forehead. As his breathing slowed down, he pushed his fingers through his hair. His eyes adjusted to the light streaming through the curtains, he scanned around his room. His eyes eventually found their resting place. He sat observing his hands, more importantly his finger nails, he could still see the chipped nail polish stuck to them. He couldn't help but smile at the memories.

_'Lover'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this idea at like one in the morning when i was looking at my own janky nails and quickly typed it out so I hope it's okay
> 
> I was really tossing up whether or not to put smut in this chapter, because i know i've somewhat deprived you of it recently, but this chapter was too romantic for me to do it. 
> 
> But I promise you, next chapter will be fucking steamy. 
> 
> Also obvs this isnt part of the main story line but I just thought it was really cute idea, more like a one shot you know. 
> 
> But basically it's a flash back to events that took place in the middle of chapter 5 between the visit from y/n's mother and going to the club.
> 
> New actual chapter should be out in the next couple of days
> 
> One more thing this story almost has 1k reads and bro i can't even express how happy that makes me ahhhhh
> 
> I love yalllllll


	8. Make That Three Homicides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest chapter ive ever written, so grab some snacks, get comfortable and enjoy.

\-----

_Would now be a good time to tell him about her dream?_

_\-----_

This is the last place y/n wanted to be right now, _work._ The office always had this stale smell about it, she couldn't stand it. That's why she always aimed to have a cup of coffee in hand when entering the FBI building, to hopefully subdue the smell until she could get used to it again. But today was not one of those days. She woke up late, meaning no time to get dressed properly, let alone grab a coffee. Y/n was the type of person who always wanted to look put together at work, even if she knew it was just a paperwork day. Her make up was always immaculate and her outfits always well thought out. But as she took the long elevator ride up to the sixth floor, she couldn't help feeling like shit. 

She knew it wouldn't last long though. Because as soon as she got in the office she would quickly rush to the bathroom, throw on some mascara and grab a hot cup of coffee. As the floors ticked by her mind was dominated by one singular thought. 

_Spencer Reid._

You're probably thinking, _'awe cute, she must have a crush'._

No. _No cute._

Bad. This was bad. 

She never thought of people like this, no one had ever been in her brain like Spencer had at this very moment. She was frustrated as her mind swirled around, constantly bringing him back up. Every second was, _oh what's Spencer doing right now? I wonder what he's wearing? Is he thinking about me?_

Y/n wanted to drown the voice in her head. 

You couldn't blame her though, for thinking about him constantly. It all began after a dream she had the night the team went out to the club. It was so vivid, it was crazy. It almost felt like a memory, but it was too bizarre for it to be. Either way she could recall every detail of the dream, she could even say what Spencer smelt like in it. _Pepper mint and a light woody smell, mixed with rum._ The rum was probably from her, but it was present either way. 

She was sitting on the bathroom floor with him, he had just pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. 

_"Can I kiss you?" She felt as Spencer cupped her cheek, she scrunched up her face._

She was confused, why did he want to kiss her? She looked gross, she smelt gross, she felt gross, she was gross. But his eyes were so genuine.

_"Why are you asking?" She swiped her tongue over her lips, he rubbed slow circles on her skin with his thumb._

_"Because I want to."_

All her attention was drawn to him then and there. There were no more distractions, the fuzzy feeling the dream was casting over her, now void.

_"Well, why do you want to?" She spoke softly._

She distinctly recalls him thinking for a couple moments, as if he was having a conversation with himself.

_"Because I have feelings for you..." a smile crept onto her lips, she blinked slowly, moving in closer._

_She whispered, her face only centimetres from him "Then what are you waiting for?"_

And then he kissed her, and it was the most amazing kiss she had felt in her entire life. All consuming if you will. He was so perfect and she never wanted to pull away from him. She wanted this dream to last forever, even though she knew it couldn't. When she pulled away she suddenly woke up. 

There were some noises coming from the kitchen, and by the way the bed looked beside her she could only assume it was Spencer. She thought maybe it wasn't a dream at first, maybe it was a memory. But when she talked to Spencer the next morning and he neglected to mention it, she just assumed that it was concocted by her imagination. 

_A dream that would never come to fruition._

By this stupid little dream kept replaying in her mind every single night. It was like her subconscious was screaming at her. Telling her that she was falling for him and he was falling for her in return. 

Any normal person would be in a good mood. _Falling in love was a beautiful thing._

But not for Y/n. 

It was too many feelings to handle. It also brought stress, because there was a good chance he didn't feel the same way. Although he had been very caring as of late and had been making an effort to-

Nope he didn't feel the same way. 

And that brings us to the second reason why y/n didn't want to be at work at the moment. 

_Spencer Reid._

She knew that all these feelings would manifest into one large melt down if she saw his stupidly wonderful and kind looking face. 

And that melt down would in turn, manifest into the possible murder of her desk mate. 

Her brain was crowded, she had been thinking so hard on the ride up, and as the doors of the elevator pulled open...

Her jaw dropped. 

Sitting at Spencers desk was some random blonde chick she had never seen before in her life. Her fists clenched as a smiling Spencer moved his line of vision to fall directly on y/n. He seemed to be laughing, ew why was he laughing with this annoyingly beautiful woman? 

"Oh hey y/n" he called with a wave "Come meet-" 

"Sorry, bathroom" before the other woman could turn around, y/n was skidding off down the hall. Her face flushed as she pushed the heavy restroom door open, she had never been so embarrassed in her life. This is y/n we're talking about, she had always been quick witted and good in stressful situations. But not right now. She felt like she couldn't even speak properly. Her brain had turned to mush, and was now spewing out as stupid words every time she opened her mouth. 

_Of all the days, why fucking today?_

She stared at herself in the mirror, pulling down her hair from the ponytail she had it in. She fixed up the position of her clothing and swiped some mascara onto her lashes. This was as good as it was going to get. 

Thankfully the break room was close to the bathroom. Meaning she could pick herself up a cup of coffee before the inevitable awkward conversation with Reid and the knockoff version of JJ sitting at his desk. 

"What's got you all hot and bothered?" great, the last person she wanted to talk to right now, besides Spencer, was Morgan.

"It's just been a rough morning." she grumbled, pouring herself a cup of black coffee. 

"Well I can see that." He chuckled, y/n glared at him as the shit eating grin on his face quickly faded. Maybe it would be a double homicide now she's thinking about it. "Okay, seriously, what's wrong?" y/n grinned, as it was clear Morgan was now making an effort to tread lightly. 

"Nothing, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed." 

"You sure that you're not just worried that the woman sitting on Reid's desk right now will take your place as pretty boys new obsession?" 

"What are you talking about, Derek?" she spat. 

"Oh come on, you can't tell me, that you're not the one Spencer pays the most attention to. And you also can't tell me, you don't want to keep that attention all for yourself." Unfortunately he was right, y/n wasn't happy about it, but he was. 

"I'm not jealous, if that's what you're saying." she turned to him, her face blank. 

"So you won't have a problem having a civil conversation with the two of them?" he grinned, y/n scowled in return. 

"Sleep with one eye open Derek Morgan." She turned on her heels, taking her coffee and finally trudging into the bullpen. She plastered a sweet smile on her face, making her way over to the pair. 

"Sorry I left so suddenly, I really needed to go to the bathroom" She said softly, finally seeing the blonde woman's face as she turned to her. 

She looked older than Spencer, not more than five years older, but older. She was pretty, that's for sure, she looked very good for her age. She was well put together and a had a beautiful smile. 

"Y/n are you feeling alright?" Spencer scrunched up his face "You don't look too well." 

"Yeah I'm okay Reid, just woke up late." She clutched the coffee in her hands tighter. 

"Oh okay? Oh my God I completely forgot to introduce you, this is Doctor Eve Russell, she's an old friend from college" _Doctor? fucking great._ "She's actually in town holding a workshop for the bureau this week-" 

"-Spencer enough, you're overwhelming the poor girl." Eve interjected, offering a hand to y/n "It's nice to meet you." 

Poor girl? _Poor girl!?_

Who the fuck is this woman and why is she-

"It's nice to meet you too, I'm y/n" the fake smile on her face was beginning to hurt her cheeks. 

"I know, Spence has told me a lot about you." Reid's face blushed, y/n's eyebrow raised. _Spence?_ Her eye began to twitch. 

_Make that three homicides..._

"So, how long are you in Virginia for?" y/n attempted to make small talk. 

"Just a week unfortunately" yes, _so unfortunate_ , y/n thought.

"I was actually thinking, before Eve goes we should all go out to dinner together." Was Spencer trying to give y/n a heart attack, her eyes widened at the thought of it. 

"Doctor Russell, it's so nice to see you again." Hotch moved between them, giving Eve a large hug. 

Now Hotch too? Who else would she snatch away from y/n? 

"It's been too long Aaron." y/n was not going to stick around for the small talk, her smile wouldn't last that long. Instead she picked up her things and moved into the bat cave. 

"Ah my favourite person, what brings you here girlie?" Garcia was chipper as ever, spinning around in her chair to face y/n. 

"Peace and quite" she mutters, taking a seat in the empty office chair beside Penelope. 

"Wait I didn't know something exciting was happening?" her lips turn to a frown as she stares at y/n's pissed off expression. 

"Nope nothing exciting." She pops the p. 

"Then what is it?" she swivels closer to y/n, placing a hand on her knee.

"Everyone just won't shut up, they keep talking, I can't get anything done." y/n looks down to her work, opening up the files and beginning to write. 

"Oh that's weird, usually Hotch has everything almost silent in the bullpen." she scrunched up her face. 

"Yeah well he's caught the talking bug too, _Doctor Russell this, Doctor Russell that._ " 

"So this is about Spencer's friend?" her face quickly grows as smirk, as y/n sinks into her seat. 

She rolls her eyes, " _I'm_ supposed to be the favourite child of this BAU, not this _person_ , that comes in for one day and already has the men wrapped around her little finger." y/n felt stupid saying all this shit, but she knew Garcia would get her.

"Now you know how Spencer felt when you turned up." Penelope smiled, giggling to herself. 

"What?" y/n furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?" 

"Haven't you ever wondered why he was always so hostile towards you, especially when you first joined the team?" 

"I just thought it was because he was a dick, and that's what dicks do." she shrugged, chewing on her pen. 

"No, it's because he was always the golden boy, and then you came along and just like you said 'after one day you already had the men wrapped around your little finger'" she couldn't contain her laughter now, y/n hit her arm scowling. "It's natural to be upset when you feel someone's replacing you." 

"She's not replacing me, _because I'm too amazing to be replaced_ , and I'm not upset." she snapped, Penelope giggled even more. 

"Well tell that to the little crinkle in between your eyes." Penelope flinched as y/n hit her again. 

"You're not a profiler, so stay out of me and my crinkles business." 

Y/n and Garcia fooled around for a little while longer, before settling into their work. They sat mostly silent, sometimes stoping for a little chat. Y/n was happy to get her mind off the 'friend' Spencer had sitting in the bullpen. Suddenly she could feel the hunger settle in, she looked down at her watch seeing it was around one. The door swung open, and Spencer stepped into the bat cave. 

"Y/n, I wondering where you were. I just came to ask if you wanted to get lunch-" he pointed with his thumb out the door. 

"-Oh wow Spencer how thoughtful, took you only three hours to notice I was missing." her voice was cold, Spencer looked visibly taken aback, but she didn't care. 

"Did I do something wrong?" he said quietly, confusion settling into his features. 

"Nope, because we both know Spencer Reid can do no wrong." 

"You know, I had a hunch the honeymoon wouldn't last forever, but a girl could dream." Penelope sighed, swinging her chair back to her work. 

"What!?" y/n and Spencer said in sync, their eye's falling on Garcia. 

"Haven't you two noticed the fighting has stopped recently?" Spencer and y/n remained silent, staring at Penelope "I thought maybe the two of you were finally banging or something, but I guess not." 

"Penelope what are you talking about?" y/n broke the quiet, her eye's moving between Garcia and Spencer. 

"Sex always makes people happier, releases endorphins you know, thought maybe the two of you were getting laid and that the team could finally rest without all your bickering." 

"We never bickered." Spencer spoke up, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"Yeah? tell that to the judge." 

"Okay that's enough, I'm hungry so I'm leaving." y/n got up in a huff, stomping out the door. 

"Y/n wait." Spencer followed her out into the bullpen grabbing her arm. "What's going on?" 

"Aren't you supposed to be a genius? Figure it out." she spat. 

"I can't figure it out if you won't tell me anything." 

"Then I guess you'll never know." she muttered sarcastically, her eye's widening. 

"Can you stop acting like a child?" 

_"Can you stop acting like a child?"_ she mocked him. 

"Oh wow y/n, real mature." he nodded his head slowly. 

"Maybe I'd act mature, if you didn't act like a horny little teenager." she flung her arms up in defeat. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" what they hadn't noticed was most of the team was now standing watching them.

"I don't know? Maybe go ask Doctor Russell-" 

"What is going on down there?" Hotch's voice boomed through bullpen, thankfully Eve was nowhere to be found, because that would have made for one awkward exchange. 

"Nothing sir, just going to get lunch. _Without_ Spencer." Y/n turned on her heals, storming out of the bullpen. 

"And they're back" Morgan commented, nudging Emily with his elbow. 

"Should have known it wouldn't last that long" slapping a twenty dollar bill into Morgans hands. 

"Everybody owes me twenty bucks." Morgan calls, hearing multiple groans echo through the office. 

Rossi trudged down the stairs, begrudgingly placing a crisp note on Derek's desk, followed by Garcia, JJ and Hotch. 

"Hotch you too?" Spencer exclaimed, furrowing his brow. 

"Should have guessed three weeks" Aaron muttered, giving a small shrug to Spencer. 

\-----

Y/n was surprised that she hadn't had any stern talks with Hotch yet, because all week she had a been a bitch. Literally a grade A fucking asshole, but no one said anything about it, probably just assuming she was pmsing. She even caught Morgan with a tally of how many times she had snapped during the week. Which she had then resumed to tear the list away from him, walk into the middle of the bullpen and rip it up into tiny little pieces. 

"Next time one of you pulls something like this shit again" she gestured to the small bits on paper lying on the ground "I won't hesitate to rip you a new one" She looked around at the shocked faces in the room. 

"Have I made myself clear?" she said sweetly, tilting her head. When she got no response her face turned to a scowl. "Have. I. Made. Myself. Clear?" She stared directly at Spencer, the room filled with muttered 'yes's'. Watching as Reid nervously spoke along. 

"Thank you" she curtsied and returned to her work. 

And now was the day all the rage was about, dinner at Rossi's. You know what, _fuck Rossi,_ this woman is not that special that she deserves his amazing pasta. He hates having people over at his house, so why does this chick get the privilege of having a team dinner in her honour hosted by him? Either way, this gave y/n the opportunity to dress to impress, she was going full out. If y/n had to deal with Eve flirting with Spencer every morning this week, then she would have to deal with Spencer drooling over y/n. The game was on, and y/n was gonna win this round. 

All eye's were on her when she walked into Rossi's kitchen, everyone was gawking at the sight of her. Just how she liked it. She was the last one to arrive which was perfect, meaning her entrance was one to remember. 

"What?" she spat, as she heard Spencer choke on his drink. 

"Y/n you look- gorgeous" JJ commented, making her way over for a hug. 

"What, like it's not a regular occurrence?" she smirked, linking her arm with JJ's as they made their way further into the kitchen. 

"Y/n you should have warned me that you were going to give me a heart attack tonight." Penelope chimed in, holding both sides of y/n's face. 

"Stop with the flattery, it's just a dress." 

It wasn't just a dress. It was the first step to seducing Reid tonight. Of course it was satin, and of course there was a slit, and of course it hugged her curves just right.

"On one sexy bitch" Emily added, Hotch shook his head in disapproval. 

Y/n made her way over to Spencer, who's cheeks grew redder as she walked closer to him. Morgan chuckled, when she stood next to him, making an effort to be so close they were almost touching. 

"Doctor." she smiled sweetly, as Spencer's eyes widened. 

"Y-y/n" she then proceeded to lean over the counter, hearing Spencer clear his throat. 

"So, what's on the menu David." she bit her lip. 

"Fettuccine carbonara, and I shouldn't give you any for calling me David." he smiled, continuing to bounce around from pot to pot. 

"But you won't do that, because I'm your _favourite_." She turned back to Spencer as the words came out of her mouth. 

"Yes you are." Spencer scowled when he heard Rossi agree with y/n. 

"Eve, how are you liking Virginia so far?" y/n stood up straight, sipping a glass of champagne.

"It's actually really great, granted I haven't seen too much, because i've been working. But Spence has taken me around." she said genuinely, thinking this was a normal conversation. 

"Isn't he just the sweetest." she grabbed his cheeks with her hand, shaking him a bit. "So I assume the two of you have done a lot of catching up." 

"Yeah, it's been really nice, it had been way too long since we'd hung out." 

"Aren't you just so surprised that he doesn't have a girlfriend yet? Like he's such a catch." she giggled "Speaking of relationships, are you single Eve?" she laughed nervously, as y/n leaned back on the counter. 

"Ah, yes. Work makes it's hard to actually have a solid relationship." she half smiled, swirling her drink slightly. 

"Oh I get that, who needs a boyfriend anyway? They're not good for much, right Spencie?" y/n nudged him. 

"If you would all please make your way to the dining room, dinner will arrive shortly." Rossi announced. 

"Oh good, I'm starving" y/n grinned, slowly walking in behind the rest of the team. Spencer pulled her aside, a less than impressed look on his face. 

"What is the matter with you? Why are you being so weird tonight?" he spoke through gritted teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Doctor." she smirked, trying to act innocent but failing. 

"Do not start with me y/n, or you will not be happy with the outcome." His voice lowered, this should have scared y/n into submission but it only fuelled the fire. 

"If you want, we could sneak into one of Rossi's many spare rooms, and you could show me just how angry you are." 

"You two coming?" Emily spoke up, peaking her head around the corner. 

"Yeah in a minute" Prentiss gave a curt nod, as y/n flashed an innocent smile. "So, what do you say doctor?" 

"I say, you're in over your head, and you need to be on your best behaviour for the rest of the night. Or you're in for a rude shock when we get home." Spencer growled. When _we_ get home, y/n liked the sound of that. 

"Don't threaten me with a good time, Doctor Reid." she whispered. Spencer scowled following her into the dining room. 

There we two spare seats next to one another in the middle of the table, and another spare next to Eve towards the right end. Spencer quickly tried to make his way over to Eve, but y/n held him back. 

"Nuh uh" she whispered "Sit." Spencer begrudgingly sat down, y/n sitting in between him and Hotch. 

"What are you up to?" Hotch leaned in whispering to y/n. 

"Just having some fun, nothing to worry about boss man" she smirked, patting his shoulder.

"Don't be too mean, I don't need Spencer crying about it to me on Monday." 

"Spencer tattle tales on me?" she says amused.

"Too often." 

The food was great, everyone at the table could agree on that. But do you know what was better? Y/n's rising hand on Spencer's thigh. She dug her nails in every so often, watching as he squirmed underneath her. But as dessert rolled around, y/n's hand was basically on his crotch. One wrong move and Spencer was in for it. 

But in turn, Spencer was playing his own game. He was able to make his way to the seam of y/n's underwear. The dress gave him easy access, which he could only assume was intentional. The race was on, who would crack under pressure first? Y/n was happily eating her tiramisu, suggestively licking the spoon when no one was watching. 

At one point, half the group was cleaning up, whilst the other was engrossed in conversation. Thank God the table was able to mask what the two of them were doing. Y/n took this opportunity to lick her finger, before pushing it down her throat just enough to lightly gag. But with this she began to palm Spencer's length through his dress pants. And what did Spencer do in retaliation? He slipped a finger in. Y/n gasped hitting her thigh's on the table as Spencer stifled a laugh. 

"Everything alright over there?" JJ asked, y/n's face grew bright red. 

"Yeah uh- just um- almost knocked over my wine." she stuttered. 

"Nice save" Spencer chuckled, y/n tightened her grip on his crotch. 

The last straw, funnily enough, had almost nothing to do with Spencer. He finally broke when y/n decided to grab Hotch's thigh after he told a joke, turning to him with a smug smile. 

"Okay I think I'm gonna head out, it's getting late." Spencer stood up from the couch, biting the inside of his cheek. 

"Oh Spencie, leaving so soon?" y/n teased, finally realising her grip on Hotch's leg. 

"Y/n I think you forget, I'm taking you home." he said with a sweet smile. 

"Ah that's right, guess i'm leaving too." she giggled "Thanks for an amazing night Rossi, and it was really nice meeting you Eve, hopefully you can come to visit again soon." 

Before they were about to walk away, Hotch quickly pulled y/n down towards him. 

"Don't do anything stupid." he said sternly, his signature scowl plastered on his face. 

"Wouldn't dream of it, dad." 

"Don't call me dad." he muttered out quickly. 

Y/n only responded with a sickly sweet smile, before skipping out the door. She ran up and clung onto Spencer as they walked to his car. 

"You're fucking in for it." Spencer spat, and all y/n could do was grin in delight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay please don't shoot me, I know I promised smut this chapter, but it ended up too long so I couldn't. 
> 
> Either way pinky promise it's first thing next chapter 
> 
> I kinda adore this chapter so I hope yall like it 
> 
> please comment if ya feel like it, I love reading them
> 
> love you guys
> 
> -A


	9. Probation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- smuttttttttttt  
> \- choking  
> \- hair pulling  
> \- degradation   
> \- face fucking  
> \- spanking
> 
> \-----
> 
> a/n: I hope yall are happy the smut has finally made it's way back to this fic <33333

\-----

_Y/n only responded with a sickly sweet smile, before skipping out the door. She ran up and clung onto Spencer as they walked to his car._

_"You're fucking in for it." Spencer spat, and all y/n could do was grin in delight._

\-----

Spencer was breathing down her neck, she found herself pressed up against a wall, the familiar wet heat in between her legs. Maybe Spencer has a thing for walls, because she found herself stuck between him and the familiar concrete slab way too often.

"I told you to behave tonight, and you did the exact opposite of that." She couldn't hold in her smirk "Is this funny to you?"

"Ah a little" she giggled. Now not only was her back against the wall, but now her left cheek was too.

_Bad decision y/n._

"Well this isn't funny, and when you wake up tomorrow not being able to walk, do not come crying to me." She stayed silent, there was no way of telling what he would do if she ran her mouth again, "Now tell me, why were you being such a brat tonight?"

"I just felt like it." He realised his grip, his hands now slowly making their way under her dress.

"You felt like it?"

"Y-yes." Her breath hitched as she felt his cup her core.

"I find that hard to believe." He now found his way under her panties, slowly circling her clit.

"Why? I'm not allowed to do things just for my-self, _oh my god_?" He slipped a finger in, pumping in and out, hitting her g-spot.

 _"So wet for me."_ He muttered under his breath "You always have an ulterior motive, y/n" A second finger entered her heat, she let out a small strangled moan.

"D-do I?" A knot was being to tie in her core, but at the pace Spencer was going, she wouldn't find satisfaction any time soon.

"Yes you do. So why were you such a fucking brat tonight?"

"To get under your skin." She whispered, moving around in an effort to get more pleasure.

"Now we're getting somewhere." His pace suddenly got a little faster, "Why did you want to get under my skin?"

"Didn't know this was an interrogation." He pulled his fingers out her, that was warning enough "Okay Okay" He pushed them back in and the pleasure returned "Because you were being annoying, a-and I needed to get back- at you." She stuttered.

"Okay, but I think this had more to do with Eve than it ever did with me."

"O-oh yeah and why's that?" Her eye's fluttered shut, Spencer grabbed her jaw with his other hand, drawing her attention back to him.

"I think you wanted to assert your dominance over her. Show her that no matter what she did, you would always have the men at the BAU eating out of the palm of your hand." He now rested his head beside her ear "Hence the thing with Hotch."

"What thing with Hotch?" She said innocently.

"You know the thing, y/n." He slowly moved his head back to position in front of her.

"Either way, _do_ I have you guys wrapped around my little finger?" She smirked lazily, resting the back of her head against the wall as she felt herself coming closer.

"Yes you do, Hotch lets you do whatever you want and so does Rossi." She accidentally moaned out, inviting Spencer to slow his pace down again, "But not me."

"Why not you?"

"Because I know what you are." His face was staring blankly, the hardest he's been to read in a while.

"And what's that?"

"A little whore, who needs the shit fucked out of her" he grasps her neck, tightening his grip until she saw stars.

"Now we're talking." She was on the edge, she was so fucking close. But Spencer had to ruin it like usual. He pulled his fingers out, making a show of wiping her wetness on the side of his dress pants like it was nothing.

"So here's what's going to happen" She was now slung over his lap, his hand holding her down. "You're not going to come tonight, I'm assuming you can guess why. And if you do, you'll be put on probation for a week, have I made myself clear?"

"Probation? Are you going to ground me, Spencer Reid?"

"If you want to put it that way. Then yes. You've proven yourself to be quite disobedient tonight, so maybe a little discipline will do the trick." He lifted up the fabric of her dress, pushing down her underwear.

"Now tell me, why am I punishing you tonight?" His hand ran up and down her back, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know" his hand came down hard and fast.

"That's a lie, and now you've officially added an orgasm denial to the list of punishments."

"Wait what!?" She whined, moving her head to look at him.

"Oh did I forget to mention that every time you lie to me you wrack up debt?"

"Yes!" She complained.

"Then I'm sorry for that" his face did not have the same look of apology "Now, why am I punishing you tonight?"

"Because I've been a brat" she sucked in a fast breath, as a sting pierced through her left cheek.

"And?"

"I teased you."

_*Slap*_

"I disobeyed you... multiple times."

_*Slap*_

"Ah- I was b-bitch all week."

_*Slap*_

"I tried to embarrass you in front of Eve."

_*Slap*_

"Anything else?" his voice was cold, and y/n could tell what expression he had on his face at the moment.

"No?"

"That makes two orgasm denials, want anymore?" She huffed, rolling her eyes. Thank god he didn't see her because she would surely be punished for it.

"Ugh- I flirted with Hotch just to spite you" His hand came down harder and faster then it had all night. That was gonna leave a mark. He lifted her up to face him, she was almost dizzy because of how fast he moved.

"Now, was that so hard?" he pouted, y/n stayed silent, a scowl on her face. "You look so pretty when you're angry." he chuckled.

"Suck my dick." now was not the time to rebel, but y/n couldn't help herself.

"Mmm, I think I'd rather you suck mine." he pushed her down onto her knee's in front of him. She gasped as she hit the ground, his hand spun her hair into a makeshift pony tale, gripping it tightly.

No more games y/n. She quickly undid his belt pushing down his pants and boxers. She swirled her tongue over the tip, slowly inching down his length, using her hand to pump what she couldn't fit in her mouth. She bobbed up and down, feeling as he hit the back of her throat, now tears begun to sting in her eyes. She could tell he was becoming impatient, starting to guide her motions with his hand. She sped up, attempting to please him. She always struggled when it came to this shit, she had a horrible gag reflex, but for him she'd push it aside. 

"Such a pretty little slut, choking on my cock" she hummed in response, sending pleasurable vibrations down his shaft.

He now fully took control of her actions, face-fucking her like he'd never done before. He wasn't wrong when he said she was in for it. She could feel the spit hanging off her chin, often quickly wiping it before returning her hands to his shaft. But now she was clutching the back of his knees, feeling as he pushed himself deeper and deeper. He bottomed out inside her mouth, she didn't even think he could get that far. Y/n could tell that her make up was practically non existent, but she didn't care.

"That's it, that's my girl" he moaned out. She swallowed, proudly parading her empty mouth to him. He pulled her up by her hair with a smile. "You're such a good girl, aren't you?" 

Did it sound condescending? Yes. Did she find it extremely hot? Also a yes.

"You bet" she said, her cockiness came out in full force.

"You are in no way off the hook yet" he yanked her head back, dragging he into his bedroom. 

He quickly unzipped her dress, she stepped out of it. Y/n and Spencer stood there for a second, just staring at each other, not because they were admiring the other person, but because... they looked kind of stupid. Y/n was only in her bra and Spencer stood there in his dress shirt. They both stifled a laugh before tearing off each others remaining clothing. 

He pushed her down onto the bed, she gasped as the mattress caught her. He crawled on top of her, peppering her neck with small marks. She slowly felt him make his way lower and lower down her body. Occasionally stopping to tease her with his lack of touch, before returning to his set path. All she could do was smile and close her eyes as she felt him lick a clean strip up her heat. _Fuck that felt good_. Sometimes she swears he was hand crafted by God. She didn't even try to hold back her moans, letting out strings of curses and his name along with it. His tongue jutted in and out of her as his thumb circled her clit. Her body began to tingle, her legs felt almost numb as he continued his work. She didn't even realise how loud she was getting, all shame was out the window at that moment. 

" _Oh Spencer fu_ \- ugh" she sat up in shock, as Spencer ceased all movement. He sat with an annoyingly adorable smile at the end of the bed. He didn't even try to mask his amusement, as he clearly laughed in her face

"Oh you needy little slut, did you forget what I told you earlier?" his voice was now low, dominant.

Yup, she did forget. God she hates him sometimes.

"If it makes you feel any better, you've crossed one off the list." That made her feel even worse, she had to endure this shit again, was he trying to kill her? She plastered a fake smile on her face, aiming to show her annoyance to him. "Oh don't be upset, princess. I'll let you come, just not tonight." 

He crawled over her again, boxing her down on the bed. He lowered himself down, getting very close to her. She could feel his breath on her face, the smell of his cologne filled her senses. He lined himself up after teasing her entrance. He pushed the tip in, as y/n sucked in a slow pleasurable breath.

"Now, let me show you who you belong to." Without any warning he slammed into her. She felt a sting mixed with almost euphoria. She was already sensitive enough as it is, this was not helping. He was hitting all the right places, but she could manage to keep herself from unraveling. 

"Are you going to come?" he mocked "Are you going to be a thirsty little whore and disobey me again?" she couldn't even speak, only small moans made their way out of her mouth. 

"Wow, you have even less to say than when I had my dick shoved down your throat." she blocked him out, closing her eyes again and pushing her head deep into the pillow. He chuckled, beginning to circle her clit again.

"Goddamn it" she murmured, she was so close. 

"What you don't like that?" his motions got faster. Jesus Christ, he was making it so much worse. Think of work, think dead puppies, think of _something._ Y/n knew she was going to come if he kept doing this, and she was starting to suspect that's what he wanted. 

"You're not allowed to come y/n, remember?" he snickered, watching as she scrunched up her eyes. 

"Shut up" she whispered. 

"Don't come, or you know what's going to happen." he grabbed her chin, forcing her attention back on him. 

"But sir, it's so hard." she choked out, feeling warmth begin to spread through her body. 

"Well try harder." he growled, his breathing heavier now also. 

He set an even faster pace, her head now lightly hitting against the headboard. She began to see stars when he grasped her neck, the pressure further adding to the tingling sensation. 

"I'm sorry." she let out, her body shaking as she came around him. Her pussy clenched as he emptied out inside her moments later. 

"You should be." he pulled out of her "Because now you've just put yourself on probation, go clean up." 

She had no words, as she shakily pushed herself off the bed. She almost tripped but Spencer quickly came around to her, holding her up with a light chuckle. He left as she peed, cleaning up the mess he caused. She huffed walking out of the bathroom, seeing him snuggled under the covers with a book. He gently placed it down on the bed spread, patting beside him. 

"Did I go too hard?" he watched her slightly wince as she sat down next to him. 

"It's okay I'm used to it" she said quietly, snuggling up close to his chest "But are you serious about the whole probation thing?" 

"Oh I'm deadly serious, one week young lady. You are not allowed to touch me or yourself, and there is also no way in hell me or anyone else is touching you." 

"But that doesn't work out in your favour either" she slipped her hand slowly over his crotch "You won't get any satisfaction for a whole week." he grabbed her hand tightly, pushing it away. 

"Don't push it, or i'll make it a week and a half." she huffed, moving back over to her side of the bed. 

"Either way, we're in this together." she smiled mockingly. 

"I never said I couldn't get something from other people." he sat there stone faced. 

"That is so not fair!" she whined. 

"I'm not the one who was disobeying orders." he crossed his arms. 

"You deliberately tried to make me come, and I could tell you weren't going to stop until you did." she cried, shooting daggers at him. 

"That's not true." he said turning away, trying to hide his smile. 

"Isn't it?" 

"Go to sleep y/n, you've got a long week ahead of you." he smirked, turning off the lamp next to his bed and rolling over. 

"You know I could just touch myself right no-" he flipped over grabbing her hand. It was dark but she could still see the disapproving look on his face. 

"But you won't." 

"But I won't..." she said meekly, he released her, closing his eye's once again.

Now y/n had a mission, she was not going to wait until her one week probation was up. She was going to wear the tightest skirts and the most revealing shirts she could possibly get away with. Y/n was going to crack him. _And it was going to be glorious._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter isn't very long, but I had fun writing it 
> 
> i'm having a good time because of how light hearted this fic is so far
> 
> wow i really don't have very much to say today, but anyways I hope you enjoyed
> 
> please comment and leave kudos if you liked it. it really helps me stay motivated and see what you guys like and dislike. 
> 
> anyway have an amazing day, take care of yourselves
> 
> -A


	10. More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> 🥳Smut🥳  
> Degradation (just a tad)
> 
> \-----
> 
> i'm hoping you get the nick names but if you don't here's a key ***
> 
> \- chocolate thunder ~ morgan   
> \- papa pasta ~ rossi  
> \- baby girl ~ penelope  
> \- blondie ~ JJ  
> \- scary bitch ~ prentiss   
> \- daddy hotch ~ hotchner duh  
> \- daddy ;) ~ if you don't know who this is i'm concerned
> 
> (since we're currently in y/n's pov her texts will be on the right side)

\-----

_Y/n was going to crack him. And it was going to be glorious._

\-----

With a swing in her step and her head held high, y/n waltzed into the office Monday morning feeling better than she had in a long fucking time. Was it the fact that she was finally accepting her feelings for the young genius, or maybe the fact she was going to mess with him all week. 

_Nobody knew._

But as she stepped foot in the bullpen she couldn't hide her smile, she saw as Spencers eyes lifted from his work and landed straight on her. She nearly forgot how almost inappropriate what she was wearing actually was. As Spencer's eyes raked over her figure, his face turned to a scowl, tilting his in an almost _'what the fuck are you doing?'_ kind of way. But that didn't stop y/n from smiling even more as she went to sit down at her desk across from Reid.

"Oh my god what is that?" Emily furrowed her brow.

"What?" y/n asked confused, her lips slightly parted and brows raised.

"What's that on your face?" she replied, y/n quickly felt her face panicking slightly.

"Wait- what's on my face!?"

"A smile." Emily said in almost disgust, y/n's face softened at that moment, rolling her eye's playfully.

"I can't be happy?"

"No... you can't. What happened?" she squinted, trying to read her.

"Nothing, I'm just in a good mood."

"That's sus." Morgan added quickly, sitting down at his desk, leaning back into his chair.

"So I can't be happy just because?" y/n threw her hands up in defeat. Emily gasped, wheeling her chair over to y/n's desk leaning in.

"Who's the guy?" she asked. Y/n slumped her head down in frustration.

"There's no guy." she heard Spencer subtly clear his throat at her words, picking his head up ready to join the conversation.

"Mmmm, you've got this glow about you, and..." Emily picked up her face, examining it. She licked her thumb, y/n furrowed her brow. Suddenly she swiped her finger down the right side of her neck. "There it is."

Y/n clasped her throat, trying to hide the hickey she spent almost half an hour trying to conceal this morning. She thought she did a pretty good job too, apparently not.

"Did you really need to lick it? You could have just wiped it off." she screeched, still holding her neck. She shot Spencer a glance when she heard him snicker.

"Drop the hands, I told you there was guy." she pointed to the others in the office, a proud smirk on her face.

"If you consider a curling iron accident evidence enough that I have a man in my life, then sure."

"Oh shut up, we all know you're getting some" gesturing to Spencer and Morgan with her hand.

Y/n quickly scanned her brain. What's a way out? She checked all the exits, aiming to concoct an escape plan. She darted up out of her seat, before Emily pushed her back down.

"Are you seriously trying to run?" y/n looked up innocently, staying silent for a moment.

"Please Emily, have mercy on me" she clasped her hands together, almost falling to her knees to beg.

"Fine, you won't get anymore questions from me." She turned around dramatically, pretending to walk away before swinging back around "But that doesn't mean I won't stick Penelope on you."

"Prentiss, don't you dare" Emily attempted to make a beeline to Garcia's office, but y/n held onto her. Wrapping her arms around her waist, pulling her back, the pair giggled loudly.

"Is this a school yard now?" Hotch's voice broke out into the bullpen, everyone froze.

"What do we do?" y/n whispered to Emily, they locked eye's for a moment.

"Run" she whisper yelled back. They tried to scramble out of the room before Hotch's voiced boomed again.

"Prentiss, Y/l/n, don't you dare."

They froze, timidly looking up at Hotch, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Sorry" Y/n yelled out with a wince.

"Mhm" he hummed, nonchalantly returning to his office.

Emily and y/n broke into a fit of laughter, wheezing as they sat back down at their desks. Spencer and Morgan shook their heads, shooting each other glances. They settled down, slowly the room getting quiet as they began their work

\------

"Do you want to get lunch?" y/n's attention was pulled from her work, as she saw Spencer standing in front of her, his hand outstretched.

"Such a gentleman." she smile, she took his hand, pulling herself up from her seat.

They made their way into the elevator, y/n making an effort to brush up against him. Spencer was pretending not to notice at first, but it became harder and harder as y/n made a conscious effort to be near him. He knew why, so in turn he made an effort to keep his distance.

"Oops sorry" she squeezed past him into the cafe, slightly brushing past his crotch. He rolled his eyes, watching as her hand lingered for a second.

They ordered their food, sitting down with each other at a booth. The time was filled with small talk, until y/n leaned over the table.

"You've got something..." she brushed her thumb close to his mouth, getting whatever non-existent food was on his face. He looked down slightly, only to be met with her pushing her breast together. She licked her finger delicately, letting it leave her mouth with a pop.

"Got it!" she sung, his face dropped. She stifled a laugh, even though he knew exactly what she was doing, it still brought her joy watching him squirm.

She pulled the same trick on their way out. Quickly moving past him so their chests pushed together and she could swipe her hand across his clothed crotch. She did it entering the FBI building as well, and going into the elevator, and also coming out of it too. Y/n could tell Spencer was fed up, but she continued doing it anyway.

Y/n followed Spencer into the break room. She went through her normal afternoon coffee routine, having a light chat with Morgan and Emily as she did it. Waiting for the perfect time to pounce. Spencer leaned against the counter, just below the cabinet that held the coffee mugs.

"Oh I should probably make one for Pen, right?" no one payed attention to the suspicious twang behind her voice. She shielded Spencer with her body before pushing up on her toes grabbing a mug, whilst simultaneously giving his crotch a tight squeeze. He sucked in a fast breath, seething as he pushed her hand away.

"Will you please stop it?!" Spencer spat out. The rest of the room turned to look, y/n plastered an innocent look on her face.

"W-what?" y/n stuttered, her eye's widening. She had to try so hard to hold in her smirk.

"Oh don't pull that innocent stutter bullshit on me, y/n" Emily and Derek stared in disbelief as Spencers eyes blazed with frustration.

"But I didn't do anything!" she put on her perfect brat voice that she knew would rile up Spencer even more, but it only sounded like distress to the others.

"I'm gonna kill you." Spencer muttered, taking a few steps towards y/n. She scurried away, taking cover being Emily and Derek who were now standing.

"Hey man you gotta calm-" Derek tried to deescalate the situation, putting a calming hand forward. Y/n stood behind them, a dirty smirk on her face.

"Keep her away from me." Spencer shot firmly, before storming out of the room, not even bothering to finish his coffee.

"Y/n what did you do?" Emily crossed her arms a stern look on her face, Derek flashed her the same one.

"Nothing, I just accidentally bumped him and he went off. Not my fault he has a short fuse." she defended, shrugging her shoulders. "Look I'm going to be a nice friend, put this little thing behind me and bring him the coffee he left, okay?" she picked up the cup in her hands, walking out of the room.

"Stop winding him up Y/l/n" Derek called after her "Or next time you're on your own." she shot him a thumbs up, walking up to Spencers desk with a sweet smile on her face.

"I'm not here to do anything else, just bringing you your coffee." she placed the cup down, her hands posed in surrender. Spencer stayed silent, continuing his work. As she made her way back to her desk, a firm hand grabbed her wrist, pulling her down.

"That's a week and a half" he growled, pushing her away again.

"I'm being nice, bringing you your coffee and this is how you repay me? I see how it is." she faked being wounded, clutching her chest. She giggled before walking away.

"Keep it up Y/n, I won't hesitate to make it a month." she whipped her head back around.

"You won't"

"Try me." he said with no emotion. She lifted her head a little higher, before taking a seat at her desk. She didn't want to try him again, at least not today.

\-----  
Spencer had been avoiding y/n like the plague. If she was in a room he would make an effort to leave. If she was in the elevator he waited for the next one. He even convinced Derek to swap desks with him for the week. She was finding it hard to mess with him and it made her think even harder on how she would get him back.

It was now Thursday and she had just the way to wind him up. She put together a box of goodies for him, getting in extra early just so she could put it on his desk without him seeing. She gently placed the box down, scribbling a quick note and placing it on top.

_Sorry for being such a brat..._

_Love your favourite <3_

She had put a lot of thought into this gift. Decorating the inside with gold glitter and tissue paper, tucked neatly inside was a box of dark chocolates and even a limited edition version of 'The Illustrated Man'; in which she traveled to a book store forty-five minutes away just to get it. But underneath all the actually thoughtful gifts, was something she knew he'd love.

She tried to contain her grin when she saw him lazily walk into the office, making his way over to 'his' desk (which he still hadn't let Morgan return to). She saw his eye's narrow when he spotted the box, picking up the note with a raised brow.

"Y/n, why?" he sat down. She shrugged her shoulders, meandering over to him. He slowly opened the box, y/n placing her hands on his shoulder, lightly massaging them. He smiled as he picked up the book, turning around to see Y/n just as happy. "If I could kiss you right now, I would"

"I wouldn't speak so soon." she whispered, watching as his brows knitted together.

He slowly took the items out, his face fell to a scowl as he saw a pair of lacy french style underwear sitting at the bottom of the box.

"I know french is your favourite." she snickered, lightly brushing his ear with her lips.

"Is this your attempt to get me to fuck you." he said quietly, she smiled and nodded, licking her lips. 

He sighed, surprising y/n with his calmness, "Well, since you've been such a good girl the past couple- minutes... How about you come over to mine tomorrow night and i'll give you a gift of my own."

She looked around the room quickly, seeing that no one was paying attention, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "That sounds lovely Spencer Reid, I can't wait."   
\-----

His apartment was lit up with candles, rose petals scattered around the floor. There was a table set up with two places, the smell of Thai food wafted around the room.

"Candles, rose petals, my favourite food- Doctor Reid are you going to propose to me?" she said with a cheeky smile.

"Only in your dreams, baby." he picked up her hand giving it a light kiss, before pulling her into the apartment.

"Okay, then why so fancy?"

"I don't know, just felt like it I guess." he shrugged

"Who knew you could be so romantic." he pulled out the chair for her, pushing her back in once she sat down.

"I like romance, sometimes." he sat down on his respective side, glancing up at her with a shy blush on his face.

"I like it too..." she leaned forward, whispering "Sometimes."

The conversation was pleasant, more than pleasant actually. Y/n couldn't seem to get the stupid blush off of her face the whole night. If she was trying to deny her feelings for Spencer this surely wasn't helping. He seemed to say everything right, she just wanted to grab his face and kiss him and tell him she was his. But alas she didn't, too afraid to ruin the fragile relationship they had. It worked so well for them, actually putting a label on it would possibly make things more complicated than they already were. However, Spencer seemed to be on a different page.

"Is this enough?" he blurted out as they were clearing the table.

"Oh Spencer, this is more than enough, you really went all out." she glanced around the room, smiling at the effort he put in to the night.

"No, I meant is _this_ enough" he said timidly, gesturing to the two of them "Is what we have enough? For you at least."

She was slightly dumbfounded, not exactly expecting him to bring up the relationship conversation. But who was she kidding, everything he did during the night alluded to it.

"I think our relationship works, you know. Why mess with with perfect right?" he slumped his head down, a sad chuckled leaving his lips.

"Yeah- yeah" he shook his head slightly, as if to snap himself out of his feelings.

"Why? Do you want more?" she swallowed, seeing as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Sometimes." he whispered, finally returning her gaze. "Do you not?"

She knew deep down that she wanted him to ask and she wanted to say yes. She wanted him to tell her that he felt more for her than just lust. But when it was actually happening right in front of her, she wanted him to take every single word back. She was terrified. Not because she was scared of getting hurt by him, because she knew he would never do that. But she was scared that she would fuck it all up, like she usually does.

"Just forget about it." he broke the silence "It was a stupid idea anyway." She said nothing.

It wasn't a stupid idea. Not in the slightest. It made sense, they felt deeply for each other, so the next logical step would be taking it to the next level. The should start dating or make it offical or do whatever people did these day when they had feelings for another person. But she couldn't bring herself to say she wanted more as well.

So the night went on as it usually would. A little quieter, but otherwise normal. As their conversation came to a close, Y/n scooted over closer to him, placing a tentative hand on his thigh.

"About that gift?" she whispered in his ear, pulling slightly on it with her teeth. Her hand slid further up his thigh, now more sure, getting dangerously close to his crotch.

He caught her wrist, "What did I say about touching?"

"Sorry, Doctor" she hummed sarcastically. He pulled her up, taking her to his bedroom. Quickly grabbing and dragging a chair in behind him, placing it in the middle of his room, facing the door.

"Can you at least tell me what the gift is?" She licked her lips in anticipation as he pushed her down onto the chair.

"If you keep asking questions I'll stop" He said firmly. She gestured with her hands, zipping her mouth closer and flicking an imaginary key. "Now sit still"

He began sliding off her clothing, taking his time as he teased his touch on her bare skin. She smiled feeling giddy, she broke him. She honestly couldn't believe she won. Spencer had always been a stubborn little prick, so it was surprising that he would break his word.

Walking over to his closet he pulled out a handful of polyester ties. She jigged her leg in excitement, rubbing her thighs together as she felt herself already becoming dripping wet. He tightly grabbed her wrists, tying them behind her back and attaching them to the chair. He did the same with her ankles, securing them to the legs of the wooden chair. She pulled at her restraints noticing they were done tighter than usual, she couldn't blame him though, she deserved it for being such a brat.

He ran his hands over her, making sure to never linger on one spot too long. This made the experience decreasingly pleasurable and increasingly fucking annoying for her. But she wasn't going to complain, she's lucky she's getting anything to begin with. He swiped his fingers up her slit, rolling his eyes when he felt how wet she was. She flashed an embarrassed smiled as he pushed his fingers past her lips. She sucked willing, rolling her tongue over his fingers in a cocky manner. 

"Good girl." he let out quietly. He moved and stood behind her, sliding his hands over her bare chest, sweetly kissing her neck.

She let out a satisfied moan, "I knew you wouldn't be able to last that long." he hummed against her skin, agreeing with her statement. She knew he was trying to be a tease just to spite her, but he was really taking his sweet time. _"Please"_ she said innocently as she felt his hands rest on her lower stomach.

_But he stayed silent._

What was he up to? Usually he couldn't resist the urge to say ' _please what?'_ Or grab her throat and make her beg for it. But now it was radio silence, the only thing she could hear was the soft sound of him kissing her skin. 

"Have you suddenly gone deaf?" he shook his head, humming a no against her neck. 

He slowly turned the chair around, now facing the bed. He began to silently pull his clothing off. Almost in a strip like fashion. She couldn't help knitting her brows together. Everything about this was weird. He pushed down his boxers, revealing his hard dick. He walked around, sliding onto the bed and propping himself up with some pillows. She cocked her head to the side, finally realising what he was doing. 

Her jaw slacked in surprise, "No." she said "No please don't." 

He locked eyes with her, grabbing his cock and moving his hand up and down in a fluid motion. 

"No?" his eyes stayed on her, his breathing becoming increasingly fast paced. 

"Oh my god, you're a sadist." she sighed, turning away. 

"Don't you fucking dare look away, keep your eye's on me you slut." She rolled them back in his direction. She was now becoming increasingly aware that her legs were split apart and tied down. There was no way she could get any type of pleasure. Moans flew past his lips, he was being much louder than usual. 

_"Y/n"_ he moaned her name "Do you see what you're doing to me?" she pursed her lips. He never usually said her name during sex, it was always slut or whore or _princess_ on special occasions. Never just _y/n_. He was doing this on purpose, just to wind her up. She subconsciously looked away again with a click of her tongue. 

"Eye's back to me, look what you're doing to Daddy." She groaned. Low blow Spencer Reid, playing on her daddy kink. She could see he was close, his eyes fighting to stay open and glued on her. 

"Just fucking come already." she murmured under breath, hoping he wouldn't hear. She saw his pumping slow down, her eye's widened. "No, no I didn't mean it, I was just being a brat, I'm sorry." she rambled, seeing a smirk rise on his face. 

"Just for you, my good girl." His eyes fluttered shut before screwing completely closed. He called out her name a few more times for good measure, his cum spilling onto his stomach. "If you weren't tied up, I'd make you clean this mess off of me." 

"Well maybe you should have thought of that before." she shot back. Her gave her a warning glance, pulling some tissues out of their box, wiping off his stomach. Wordlessly, he put on his clothing and untied her. He kissed the top of her head, holding her close to him. 

"I hate you." she sung, nuzzling further into his chest.

"Eighty seven" 

"Sorry?" she looked up at him, furrowing her brow. 

"Over the time we have known each other, you have told me you hate me, _eighty seven_ times." he held her head with his hand, running his finger through her hair. 

"Huh, would have thought it would be more." she pursed her lips "Kind of want to get to one hundred." He chuckled, shaking his head. 

"I hope you know I don't actually hate you. No matter how many times I say it." she put her head back on his warm chest, listening to his heart beat. 

"I know." was all he said, placing another soft kiss on her forehead.

\-----

"Ugh, does no one sleep?" y/n whined, taking her phone off charge and checking the multiple texts that she was now receiving. Spencer also picked up his phone, that was silently buzzing beside him on the floor. 

Y/n groaned, rolling her eyes, "I spend way too much time with you people." 

***

Team Hotchner 🥵💦

**baby girl:** okay crime fighters, tonight we are going clubbing, and everyone has to come.

**chocolate thunder:** sounds like a great idea baby girl

**scary bitch:** i can never say no to alcohol

_im in bitches where do i sign up_

**daddy ;) :** Same here ^

"Since when do you know how to do that?" Y/n speaks up.

"Do what?" Spencer furrows his brow. Y/n sighs, getting up and moving closer to him.

"Do that." she points at his phone screen, her finger next to the small arrow icon Spencer had just texted.

"What do you mean?" his voice pitched up.

"Aren't you supposed to be a luddite, or something?" she scoffed.

"Just because I don't particularly love technology, doesn't mean I don't know how to use it." y/n rolled her eyes, looking away.

"Could have fooled me..." before Spencer could speak, their attention was drawn back to their phones as another message came through on the group chat.

**daddy hotch:** I'm out.

_noooo_

**daddy ;) :** :(((((

**papa pasta:** Me too.

_pleaseeeee, for me?_

**daddy hotch:** Y/n, clubbing is where I draw the line when it comes to doing things for you.

**papa pasta:** What Aaron said.

**scary bitch:** buzz kills

_tell me about it_

**daddy hotch** : Also, who changed the group chat name?

_...  
_ _guilty_

Spencer slapped her arm after he quickly checked the chat name, she giggled biting her lip. He glanced over at her phone, his eyebrows raised as he caught a glimpse of his name.

"Just daddy huh?"

"Who said it was you? Could be Morgan." he quickly snatched her phone scrolling up, before turning it to her.

"I'm assuming chocolate thunder is Morgan"

"It could be Emily." she shot back.

"Y/n."

"Fine" she put her head down, whispering "It's you."

**blondie:** I would love to, but Henry and Will are sick :(

_oh come on JJ what's more important, alcohol and a good time or them?_

**blondie:** Y/n please never have children, or a husband for that matter.   
You scare me...

Spencer laughed beside her, nudging her with his elbow. 

Y/n gasped, grabbing his hand, "Ooo can we match tonight?" 

\-----

Y/n and Spencer walk into the club looking hot as fuck. Their matching outfits were subtle but nonetheless present. Y/n wore a tight black dress, a pair of red pumps accompanied with a red lip. Spencer wore a pair of black slacks and also a black button up. Y/n managed to fish a pair of Louboutin's from the back of his closet. She didn't know why he had them or how he could afford them, but she didn't question it. Were they over dressed? A little. But Emily had managed to convince the lot of them to go to a fancy club in the nicer part of town, so they fit in. 

"Oh my fucking god!" Penelope shrieked, "You two look fucking amazing." y/n did a quick twirl, whilst Spencer put his head down, hiding his blushed cheeks. 

"Yeah, any reason for the model chic?" Emily added, cocking her head. 

"Just felt fancy tonight, I guess." y/n replied. Spencer didn't know what to say, so he slid into his seat with a chuckle. 

The group laughed and danced all night. Sharing embarrassing stories and genuinely just having a great time together. Spencer and y/n got a few teases about looking like a power couple, but nothing extreme. Surprisingly the team didn't really think Spencer and y/n had a thing. They had teased them about having hate sex, but they genuinely thought they couldn't stand each other, so the prospect of them having a relationship outside of work was almost unimaginable. But now they mistook the constant flirting for mutual hatred between the pair. Mostly because their light flirtatious teases often led to a screaming match, but that's beside the point.

However, y/n could already see their cover crumbling in the near future, all because of Penelope. 

Of course Gracia had the wonderful idea of playing spin the bottle. And y/n knew, that if it landed on Spencer and herself, he almost wouldn't have the restraint to keep it in his pants. Especially after a week of not very much touching. If they weren't careful, their sexual chemistry would become quite hard to ignore, if it already wasn't. 

It was tame to start off with, everyone giving each other cute pecks on the lips. Unless they were kissing Emily, then they were met with a full forced make out sesh. Spencer had been subjected to her wrath, pulling away stunned by what had just hit him. 

But the best kiss of the night had to be Spencer and Morgan's. They looked like were being stabbed in the gut when they leaned in. Their faces scrunched up in disgust. The girls kept chanting _'tongue, tongue, tongue',_ but alas they were pussy's. Morgan stuck up his middle finger, and Spencer shoved y/n's face to the side when she attempted to push their heads further together. 

But all laughter stopped when it landed on Y/n and Spencer. 

The tension could be cut with a knife. Y/n didn't get it, why was everyone so tense? It's not like they would rip each other apart just because they had to kiss. Enough of the silent bullshit, she grabbed Spencers collar. 

"Fuck this" she gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, pulling away with a smile. 

Turning back to the group, Penelope now looked bored. "Boo, you guys suck" she said with a dramatic thumbs down. 

"Yeah, that was so sad." Morgan added. Y/n scowled shrugging her shoulders. 

"What were you expecting?" she let out a sigh. 

"We were expecting that, and that's what's sad." Emily added, pursing her lips. 

"Well I'm sorry you guys weren't entertained." Spencer had said nothing during the whole thing, which he thought would get him a free pass. But boy was he wrong. 

"Pretty boy has been extremely quiet..." Morgan prodded, "Bet you won't." 

"But I won't, what?" Spencer said emotionless. 

"Bet you won't kiss her like you mean it." Morgan taunted, Spencer sighed. 

_Challenge accepted._

He wordlessly pulled y/n up to straddle him. Judging by the look on her face, she obviously hadn't expected him to do it either. He stared darkly at her, y/n's hands pressed to his chest. 

She leaned down, whispering in his ear "Try not to get too excited." she shot a quick wink before their lips crashed together. Teeth and tongue, fighting for dominance. His hands had made their way to her hair, tangling in it. She locked her fingers behind his neck, pulling him closer. She subtly began to grind on his hips. She heard him groan, pulling her away slightly. 

"Don't" he said through gritted teeth. She bucked her hips down more. "I'm warning you." he said against her lips again. He felt her smirk as she brought her waist down again, grinding hard against his clothed crotch. He yanked her head back by her hair, watching as she gasped. 

"Fine." she plopped back down into the seat next to her. The rest of the group was now all wide eyed, their mouths slightly open. "What?" she said hesitantly. 

Morgan cleared his throat, "Nothing, just a little surprised." 

_Too much?_ The pair shot a glance at each other.

"Be careful what you wish for, next time." she showed a toothy grin, taking another sip of her drink.

\-----

"Did you see the look on their faces!?" y/n broke down laughing at her door.

"Do you think they'll know now?" he said tentatively, pushing his hands deep into his pockets. 

"Oh whatever, they're in need of some good drama anyway." 

Spencer let out a slight chuckle "Mmm, yeah." 

"Would you maybe, want to come inside?" she smiled genuinely, watching his face light up. 

"Thought you'd never ask." He grabbed her face, pulling her in for a feverish kiss, kicking the door closed. 

"So" she got out, still kissing him, "I'm- assuming- my probation's- over". He pushed her onto the couch, looming over her. 

"You assumed correctly." He laid her down, crawling on top of her. They passionately kissed, pulling off each others clothing. 

_He's perfect. This is perfect. Why's he so perfect?_

Y/n's head swam with thoughts. She couldn't seem to get it to shut up. 

_Tell him you want more. Tell him you want more._

She tried to squint away the voice in her head as Spencer kissed down her stomach. 

_Tell him you need him._

She swallowed, debating whether to just tell him. After a long week of not having sex you'd think she wouldn't want to interrupt it. 

But her mouth had a different plan. 

"Stop. Stop it." Spencer's head shot up, concern flooding his face. 

"Did I do something? Are you okay?" he held her cheeks, scanning her body. 

"I lied." she said quietly, Spencer stayed silent and questioning.

_"I do want more."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after a five day hiatus i'm back with a longer chapter then usual
> 
> also what do ya'll think spencers contact name for y/n would be? low key curious
> 
> remember to comment if you enjoyed this chapter 
> 
> -A


	11. Smudges and Purple Marks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> caution:  
> \- Use of safe word  
> \- Lack of aftercare  
> \- Chocking  
> \- Slapping  
> \- Hair pulling  
> \- Degradation  
> \- Oral
> 
> \-----
> 
> This chapter is a little heavy so please read with caution.

\-----

_"I lied." she said quietly, Spencer stayed silent and questioning._

_"I do want more."_

_\-----_

"What?" Spencer replied, his face pale at y/n's confession.

"I want more" she whispered.

"Where is this coming from?"

"What do you mean?" She stuttered, her eye's shifting to watch her fingers fiddle with the hem of her dress.

"Why are you telling me this?" The constant questions were making her head spin.

"Because I want you."

"You want _me_ , or my body?" he went stone faced, pushing himself off of her.

"Spencer I thought you wanted this." She sat up on the couch, knitting her brows together.

"I did- _I do_ , but I don't want you to feel pressured into saying it."

"Why would I feel pressured?"

"Because you rejected me not even two days ago, and now you feel bad. _I don't know?_ "

"I didn't reject you." 

"Yeah? Then what was the silence about when I said that I wanted us to be more?"

"It wasn't a yes or a no." her voice was quiet and timid. 

"Then what was it?" He powered over her, making her sink into herself.

"A maybe." 

"A maybe? Why didn't you just say you didn't know, instead of making me believe that you didn't want this?"

" _Because I was overwhelmed_ " She finally screamed back, her heart beating loudly in her chest. "Why can't you just be happy that I actually told you now? You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"I'm making a deal out of nothing because _I wanted you for so long_ and I've told you on multiple occasions and you've basically rejected me every single time."

"You haven't told me multiple times-"

" _I have,_ remember the last time the team went out-"

"Fuck I knew that wasn't a dream." her memories came rushing back. 

"See, you did reject me multiple times-"

"If I remember correctly I let you kiss me that night, _I think that's answer enough._ " she yelled.

"Well, you were drunk so-"

"-Yes I was drunk, _Spencer please stop._ What the fuck are we doing anymore?"

"I don't-"

"You're doing the exact same thing I do in every single relationship I have. You're happy to pine for someone until they reciprocate feelings, and then you _shut down._ Because you don't believe you deserve the love they're trying to give you." 

She got up walking towards him, "But Spencer, _you do_. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Because you are such an amazing and caring person, and fuck I don't know what I would do if I had to live without you. I don't think I could." 

She sighed, placing a caring hand on his arm, "So Spencer I want more, _I want you._ "

"Fuck, _I love you_." he whispered, she almost didn't hear it. His lips crashed against hers, pouring all his love and adoration into her. She found it hard to breath, not only from his kiss, but from the words that came before it.

"You- You love me?" She stuttered tentatively.

"How could I not?" She pulled him in for another earth shattering kiss, weaving her hands in his hair.

" _I love you_." She said back, pulling herself away from him "I love you, I love you, I love you." She giggled as he peppered kisses on her neck and collar bone.

\-----

He opened the car door for her, letting her step out into the carpark at FBI head quarters.

"I'll wait out here for a couple minutes, so it didn't look like we spent the whole weekend together."

"Why would they think that?' She smiled so much it almost hurt her cheeks. He pointed to her, multiple dull looking hickey's littered all the way up her neck . She tried to cover them up, she really did, but it's harder than it looks. "Fine okay."

She pushed up on her toes, placing a chaste kiss on his lips, before making her way into the elevator. She basically limped into the bullpen a sickly sweet smile still plastered on her face as she winced, lowering herself into her chair.

"Dude, you didn't even try to hide it ." Y/n rolled her eyes, hearing Emily's footsteps behind her.

"Hide what?" She shook her head lightly.

" _Hide what?_ " Emily mocked, "Hide those hickeys on your neck, and the fact you waddled in here." The elevator slid open, Spencer walked nervously into the office, when he saw Prentiss looming over y/n.

"What are we talking about?" Spencer inserted himself into the conversation, y/n shot him a look.

"We're talking about how y/n is still denying that's she's getting the shit fucked out of her."

"Woah that's not-"

"Who's fucking who?" Morgan entered the bullpen with a cup of coffee, sitting back into his desk which he was finally allowed to reclaim.

"Y/n's fucking someone, but she won't admit it." Emily teased, Spencer sat down, keeping subtle eye contact with y/n.

"I like to keep my private life private, thank you very much." She enunciated the words.

"No you don't" Emily shot out a rebuttal, "I think I can name the last fifteen people you've been with"

"So can I." Morgan perked up, waving his pen in the air.

"What's so special about this one?" Y/n felt like all eye's were burning holes in her.

She swallowed hard, "He just is, and I don't want to fuck it up." The teasing stopped as she put her head down, a deep blush settling into her skin.

"Maybe we should just leave it guys." Spencer finally spoke, seeing as y/n's eye's shot up to look at him. He offered a soft smile, watching as Emily reached out to her, lowering her voice.

"Sorry for the teasing, obviously things are serious. If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to listen to you speak about the guy that's making my favourite girl so happy."

"I just might." Now it was Spencers turn to blush, as he buried his face in his work.

——

"My little girl's in _love_ " Emily cooed, poking y/n with her finger. They sat in the break room, hot cups of coffee in their hands. Y/n smiled, thinking about Spencer before Emily snapped her out of it. "You're not even denying it, who are you?"

"I do love him, so much." The smile still didn't fade, especially when Spencer walked in to the room.

Emily whispered "When did you meet?"

"Uh we met when I moved here, but we didn't become a thing for a while." She responded in full volume, Emily nodded following suit. Y/n wanted Spencer to hear, she was proud of their relationship and how far they had come. "I actually didn't really like him at first."

"Oh why?"

"Because he was an arrogant little prick that wouldn't shut up" Spencer cleared his throat, shooting her a glare over his shoulder.

"Sounds like Reid" Emily teased.

"I'm not arrogant" he defended.

"Okay 187" Y/n added with a wink.

"This isn't about you Reid, this is about y/n's new man." Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose, turning back around to stir sugar into his coffee.

"So, I'm assuming he's the lovely guy that gave you that limp?" Spencer's eyebrows shot up.

"You best believe it." She grinned, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Is he big?" Emily lowered her voice, but Spencer could still hear.

"Oh he's packing." She said sensually, watching as Spencer sat down on the table with them.

"Sorry, I didn't hear what you said."

Y/n responded quicker than he expected, "I said my boyfriend has a huge dick." Spencer chocked, mostly shocked that she would so casually tell him that in front of Emily, but also from the title she used. 

"B-Boyfriend" Spencer gulped, watching her smile. 

"Yes, _Boyfriend_ " 

"Am I missing something?" Prentiss broke the stare between them. 

"Uh n-no, I was just surprised." Spencer cleared his throat, looking down at his coffee. 

" _Okay_ " She dragged out the word "You guys are weird." 

"Hey Prentiss, did you finish the paper work from the last case?" Morgan popped his head through the door. 

"Oh shit, I completely forgot, wait I'll go get it." Emily leaned down to y/n quickly "This conversation isn't over, I need to know who this mystery man is." She whispered. 

Both Morgan and Prentiss exited, leaving Spencer and y/n alone. He walked over to the table, leaning against it, boxing y/n into her seat. 

"Since when am I your boyfriend?" he lowered his voice, swiping his tongue over his lips. 

"Since I said so." she leaned in for a kiss, Spencer dodged her, holding her chin firmly. 

"You're not the one who makes decisions in this relationship." 

"Can I tell you a secret?" Spencer furrowed his brow, she whispered in his ear "You think you're in control-" she pulled him down by his tie "-But really, I just trick you into thinking you have any sort of power." 

"Oh is that right?" He leaned in. 

"Yup" she popped the P, moving in to meet his lips. But he dodged her again, fully moving away. 

"You're so mean" she whined. 

"Maybe you should-" 

"Leave the poor girl alone Reid." Rossi waltzed into the break room, y/n pointed her hands out to him. 

"Yeah _Reid_ , leave me alone." 

\------

"You don't want me to leave you alone now, do you?" Y/n was pushed up on the sink in the jet bathroom. Spencers lips latched onto her neck, letting his hands roam her body. 

"Actually I d-do" she panted "Because someone will hear us." 

"Not if you're a good girl and be quiet for me" he reached up her skirt, playing with the hem of her panties. 

"Seriously Spencer, I promise I'll make it up to you, but not right now." she smiled softly. 

"Okay, but you're in for it at the hotel." 

"Who are you Spencer Reid, I thought I was the only one who fucked around at work." She placed a chaste kiss on his lips, stepping out of the bathroom and making her way to the main cabin. 

"Where's Spence?" JJ pulled her head up, stopping her conversation with Emily. 

"Bathroom? I'm not sure" Y/n replied, Spencer walked out, taking a seat next to Morgan whilst y/n sat across from Hotch and Rossi. 

"This is a tough case, so look out for each other okay?" Hotch announced, the team responded with various agreements. Y/n watched as Spencer scanned the case file, his brain ticking in his head. He was thinking so hard y/n could almost hear it. 

Hotch was right, it was a difficult case. Any case with children was, especially for JJ and him. Six children had already wound up dead and it was going to be seven, or possibly more, if the team couldn't track down the unsub in time. He was escalating into a spree killer and time was of the essence. Spencer was quiet, too quiet. He always puts too much pressure on himself during cases like this. 

\-----

"On your knees" She obliged, walking a little further into his hotel room and kneeling before him. He weaved his hands through her hair, she could feel him almost look through her. His eye's were trained on her face, but she could see he wasn't focused on her.

"Are you sure-"

He yanked her hair back, "Yes, and did I ask you to speak?" She quickly shook her head. "What are you waiting for?" She swallowed, undoing his belt and pushing his pants and boxes down, revealing his erection.

"Open" she dropped her jaw, allowing him to push his way into her mouth, she went to grab his length, "Hands behind your back." She pulled them behind herself, feeling as he slowly inched into her. "This isn't going to be easy, I've gone soft on you before, but not tonight."

He roughly pushed down her throat, she gagged lightly at first, but as he kept pounding, tears began to drip down her cheeks. 

"Such a pretty little slut, chocking on my cock" he whispered, guiding her head aggressively up and down his shaft. "Come on, you can take more." He pushed himself into her, bottoming out inside her mouth, her nose touching his lower stomach. She pressed her eye's closed, scrunching her face at the salty taste that now lingered in the back of her throat.

"Such a good whore" he cooed. He yanked her head back, she started coughing slightly, taking the time to catch her breath. Half way through her fit, he thrusted himself into her mouth again, she gagged feeling him hit the back of her throat. He reached down pinching her nose closed, her arms went to grasp his legs as she struggled for air.

"Is my poor little girl finding it hard to breath" He let air flood her lungs again "Well that's too bad" suddenly she was unable to breath once more. He took her hands, bringing them to rest on her throat. "You're taking me so well baby, keep going."

She felt his dick twitch in her mouth as he came, she swallowed with a scrunched faced as he pulled out. "Are you okay?" He asked quietly. She nodded slowly rising to her feet.

He pulled her in for a hug, kissing the top of her head, "You should probably get back to your room, we don't want the team getting suspicious."

"O-okay." She let go, slowly walking to the door. "Goodnight" she let out meekly.

"Goodnight beautiful, sweet dreams." She wiped the stray tears off her face as she walked down the hall, hoping that she didn't look too much like she had just been face fucked. She closed the door of her hotel room, slugging over to the bathroom, peeling off her clothing and hopping in the shower straight after.

She tried to wash off all the stress of the day, but she felt it stick to her skin like tar. She was worried about Spencer, he hadn't been that rough since when they first got together. It's not like she wasn't comfortable with rough sex. If she was her safe word would have been used, or she wouldn't be in the relationship at all. But the rougher he was, the more she knew was weighing on his mind. 

Another child's body had been found, and a young girl had been taken within the three days they had been on the case. She knew he was blaming himself for not being able to nail a geographical profile, but it wasn't his fault. The unsub was a mess, leaving bodies without a pattern. Sometimes in a secondary location and other times the dump and murder sight were the same. They were also weirdly spread out, as they were on the border of Florida and Georgia they were scatted between the two states irregularly. 

She lay awake in bed, clutching her pillow trying to convince herself that it was Spencer. All she wanted to do was hold him, but if wanted that, he would have asked. She slowly fell asleep, alone, wanting to feel his warm touch, but knew it was too far down the hall. 

\-----

"You coming to my place?" y/n whispered. 

"I- I don't think so." Spencer croaked out. 

It was Sunday. Not like their sex schedule mattered anymore, especially since they spent almost every waking moment together. But sometimes it's nice to have routine. 

"We don't have to do anything, we can just cuddle or-" 

"No, I'm gonna go home." 

The case didn't go well. 

They were unable to save the little girl that had been taken. Not only that, but she died in Spencers arms. He was beating himself up, y/n wasn't the only one that noticed either. The whole team did. But the check ins weren't helpful. They only made him more frustrated. 

"Okay, well if you need-" 

"I don't need anything." his tone was cold, almost making y/n shudder. 

She pursed her lips, sliding her hand over to grab his. He shook her off, turning away from her. 

\-----

As soon as she dumped her go bag in her room and kicked off her shoes she felt a buzz in her pocket. She giggled at the name that popped up on the screen. 

**daddy ;) :** I changed my mind.   
I need you.  
Can you come over? 

_yeah  
_ _ill be there in 20 :)_

**daddy ;) :** Make it ten.

She sighed, putting her shoes back on. Guess she's not getting changed. 

\-----

"Hi." she said softly, putting as much care into her voice as she possibly could. 

"Come in." 

No greeting? Ouch. 

She tried to read his body language. But there was nothing really there to read. 

"Strip." 

"Are you sure-" 

"Like I said last time, yes. Now strip before I tear the clothes off of you." He crossed his arms, giving a vacant stare. 

She hastily pulled off her clothing, leaving them on the floor below her. He walked over, stroking her hair lovingly, before tugging on it, dragging her into his bedroom. He closed the door and pushed her up against it. If his hand wasn't behind her head she would have smashed into the wood. And hard. 

She plastered a smirk on her face, "What do you want doc-" 

"Shut the fuck up." he raked his hand down her body, gripping and scratching it in certain places. She moaned as he dug his fingers into her sides, a sharp slap coming down over her face. "What don't you understand about shut up?" 

She didn't respond. 

She watched him rip off his belt and pull off his pants and shirt, leaving him in his boxers. He swung her around pushing her face into the door. She shut her eyes, feeling him drag his tip up and down her slit, teasing her entrance. 

He pounded into her, setting a brutal pace, giving her no time to settle. She fought the urge to moan, feeling pressure hit her g-spot. He began to grunt in her ear, she smiled listening to him. 

"Always so fucking tight for me aren't you, slut?" she didn't respond again, he yanked her hair back "Aren't you?" he growled. 

"Ye-yes, sir." she panted, his pace only accelerating. 

"When I ask you a question, you answer. Otherwise you're silent, understood?" 

"Yes, sir" he yanked her head back again, making her wince. 

"Good, that's my good girl." 

He steadied himself with the grip on her hair, her neck slung back. Her eyes rolled into her skull as he continually hit every right place, adjusting his stance to push himself deeper. Small sighs escaped her lips every now and then, but when he moved one of his hands to her clit, she moaned out. 

He flipped her back around to face him, her face stung after another harsh slap. 

_That would leave a mark._

"What did I say about being silent?" he clung onto her neck, squeezing roughly. She tried to choke out some words, but only managed a mess of noises. "Uh- what was that?" she tried again and failed "I'm sorry I can't hear you, cat got your tongue?" he scoffed, holding her leg with his other hand. 

His grip only tightened. Slow cutting off her air. She saw stars, feeling as she was pushed over the edge. Shaking from a wave of euphoria and pleasure. Spencer growled, pushing her beyond her orgasm. 

Now she really couldn't breathe. 

"Spe-" she choked out. 

"Shut up." his pace got sloppy as she clung to his arm. 

"I ca-an-t" 

"Shut. Up." 

"Re-" her eye's rolled back "Red." 

Spencer quickly unlatched his hold on her, as she fell to the ground coughing.

"Oh fuck, what the fuck have I done?" 

"It's- It's alright, I'm okay now." He analysed her body, stroking her red cheek and her neck that was quickly developing a bruise. 

"No it's not. Fuck- Fuck!" he tried to pull her to her feet "Come here-" 

"No I- I just think it's best if I leave." her voice was raspy and sore. She steadied herself on her feet, walking to the front door and trying to quickly put on her things. 

"I think it's better if you stay-" 

"Spencer I- I kind of just want to go home, okay?" she said quietly, now fully clothed standing at the door. 

"At least let me drive you?" 

"No thank you, I'm okay." She gave him a soft hug, "See you at work on Tuesday, I love you." 

He kissed the top of her head, "I love you more." 

The door softly closed and Spencer let tears fall, frantically rubbing his eyes. 

"Fuck. Jesus christ what have I done?" 

\-----

Y/n stood in the mirror for almost an hour concealing the bruise on her neck before giving up. It had a day to settle down but it was still very much so there. Instead she chucked a black turtle neck over it, not bothering to take off the excess make up. Double protection? Her face was a little easier to cover up, only a soft pink hand print remained. 

She walked into work on Tuesday, her nerves bubbling and boiling in the pit of her stomach. She felt like everyone knew she had a purple grip mark on her neck and she couldn't help but feel self conscious. Spencer shot her a sad and apologetic smile. 

She hadn't answered his texts over the past day, she wasn't upset. She just didn't know what to say. She replied with an equally as sad smile. 

The day seemed to drag. Melancholy looming over the bullpen as they all finished the paperwork from the last case. Y/n trudged into the break room, to get some coffee. But not before running straight into JJ, who spilt her own cup of the hot drink all down her shirt. 

"Oh shit, fuck I'm sorry." Y/n huffed telling JJ it was alright. 

She walked to grab a shirt from her go bag that she had freshly packed. She changed quickly in the bathroom, wanting to get the coffee smelling fabric off her chest. What she hadn't noticed as she barley glanced in the mirror, was her half smudged concealer, which did a bad job at concealing anything right now. 

She sighed, walking to get back to work- 

"Woah, Y/n are you okay? What happened?" Morgans brows knitted together as he pushed himself out of his chair. 

"What?" Y/n sat back down. 

"Get up." Emily stormed over, lifting her arm up, "Get up, you're coming with me." 

Y/n turned around as she was being dragged to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of Spencer. Standing, with a horrified look on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda nervy posting this cause its a little heavy ngl 
> 
> y/n is fine I promise, just worried about spencie. 
> 
> lovey dovey spencer will be a back soon, he's just going through some shit rn.
> 
> also I want to say a huge thank you, we just reached recently reached 2k hits and also 100 kudos so thank you so much i adore everyone who has taken the time to read this fic and i'm glad you all like it
> 
> have an amazing day, look after yourself 
> 
> -A


	12. Too Many Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:   
> \- yelling  
> \- angst
> 
> \-----
> 
> a/n: hey guys please keep in mind when you're reading this chapter that y/n is actually fine and dandy and that's why she's being dismissive of the rest of the team when they act concerned, we are currently in her pov so that's why the commentary is a little sassy and dismissive.

\-----

_Y/n turned around as she was being dragged to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of Spencer. Standing, with a horrified look on his face.  
_

\-----

The door swung closed, Emily making quick work of locking it behind the two of them. Y/n's eye's widened when she saw herself in the mirror, the dark purple splotches painted onto her neck. 

"Y/n what the fuck happened? And don't try to make up an excuse." her mouth felt dry, what was she supposed to say? _Yeah my boyfriend, who happens to be Spencer, accidentally choked me too hard when we were having sex, whoops._ "Please tell me your boyfriend didn't do this." Emily's mouth was slightly slacked, her brows pushed together. 

"Em-" she swallowed the lump in her throat, she knew what this looked like. 

"Oh my God- he did." 

"Emily I let him." she said quietly, surprised that her words were even heard. 

"You let him?" she looked shock, unsure how to process the information in front of her. 

"Mhm." Y/n nodded, looking down towards her hands. This is a mess, was all she could think, a mess that she wasn't sure she would get out of unscathed. 

"Why would you let him do something like that to you?" Y/n couldn't help rolling her eyes, she understood why Emily was worried, she really did. But she just wanted to be left alone. 

She didn't mind talking about her sex life, it wasn't something she necessarily shied away from, but this felt different. She didn't want to talk about it, especially since Emily seemed to be in a judgemental mood. 

"My reasons have nothing to do with you, so just drop it. I'm okay, if I wasn't I would tell you, I promise." She could tell Emily was trying to read her, and in all honesty, she was fine, nothing she hadn't dealt with before. "Please stop profiling me. Now, can you please help me cover these up before I get interrogated by the rest of the team?" 

"Only if you promise to tell me if things get worse." her eye's rolled again, making Emily cross her arms. 

"Fine, yes." she smiled softly. 

Y/n could tell she was still skeptical, especially by the looks she was giving her the whole time she replied applied her make up. But the only concern y/n had right now, was Spencer. It probably wasn't the best idea ignoring his calls all of Monday, but she needed some time to herself. She honestly couldn't deal with all the apologising Spencer would be doing. 

"All done." Y/n looked in the mirror, it looked better, a lot better than she could do. There were still small spots where the purple shone through, but nothing extremely noticeable. 

"Thank you." she lifted her head up to get a better view. Emily pulled her in for a tight hug, she wrapped her arms around her waist. 

"Just so you know, if this happens again, I'll be the least of your worries." she pushed her out so they were now facing each other, but still holding on. 

"I know Emily, but really I'm okay." 

"You better be." they lightly laughed as Emily pointed a finger in her face. 

The walk into the bullpen was surreal, all eye's were now burning into her. She looked up to see Morgan standing talking to Hotch in front of his office. She took a deep breath and sat back down at her desk across from Spencer, his eye's were full of concern. She tried to calm him with a comforting smile but it only seemed to make his expression worse. 

He leaned over the desks, "Y/n, what did Emily say?" he whispered, he honestly looked like he was about to cry. 

She shook her head, "Not now Spencer, we can talk later, okay?" 

"I'm sorry." He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. 

"I know, but I'm fine. So please I'm begging you Spencer, _do not_ worry about me." his mouth opened and closed a few times before he could respond. 

"I'll try." He leaned back over to his side, scrunching his eyes together before setting them back to his work.

\------

"Agent Y/l/n, after you finish your work can you please come meet me in my office." Y/n's head shot up, hearing Hotch call out to her from his office door. 

The bullpen was almost empty, the quiet filled her ears, it was peaceful. Only Spencer and Y/n remained in the bullpen, JJ's office light was off having left almost an hour ago. Morgan and Prentiss left with Penelope, probably to go get drinks. Rossi's light was still on, he never usually stayed back this late on Tuesdays, but they had just come back from a large case so it made sense. 

"Uh, okay. Can I ask why?" her soft voice still managed to feel incredibly loud due to the silence. 

"I think it's best if we discuss the reason in private." Her heart was beating out of her chest, she was worried Spencer could hear it. But as she looked over to him, she could tell his was going a mile as minute as well. 

"Of course, Sir." She was rushing to get her work done only a few minutes ago, so she could get home and take a nice long bath and forget about everything that happened that day. But suddenly she was working at a snails pace, dreading the inevitable talk with Hotch. 

She swallowed, getting up and dragging her feet to the printer to collect the last page of her work. She could feel Spencers eye's drilling into the back of her head, but she aimed to ignore it. Sliding the page into her file, she closed it slowly, taking a deep breath. She picked it up, shuffling passed Spencers desk, until she felt a soft hand lock onto her wrist. Spencer was standing before her when she turned around. Wordlessly he pulled her in for a tight hug burying his face into the crook of her neck. She held his head closer to her, using her other hand to run comforting lines down his back. 

"Are you going to be okay?" 

"Spencer I'm a big girl, I can deal with things like this just fine. The question is, are you okay?" He pinched the bridge of his nose, before rubbing the palm of his hand against his eye. 

She pulled his wrist away, "Hey stop doing that, you're going to hurt yourself." she said just above a whisper. 

"Maybe I should be hurt, after-" 

"Don't say that, I'm okay." he turned away from her, but she picked up his chin with her hand. "Wait for me, when I'm done I'll drive you home and we can talk about this." 

His face scrunched again, the way it did when he was thinking too hard, "Of course... I wish I could kiss you right now." 

"Later" she cupped his cheek, he held it there, turning his head to kiss her palm lightly. He tried to keep his grasp as she slid away, she smiled lightly trudging up the stairs. 

She knocked on the door, her eyes still on Spencer as he lightly paced in the bullpen next to their desks. She turned to see Rossi standing in the office door, Hotch a few places behind him, she furrowed her brow. 

"Please, Y/n come in, take a seat." she sat down with a small huff. 

"Wow, must be a special occasion to have a meeting with both Mom and Dad." she joked, the two mens faces looked less than amused.

"Y/n I've had some concerns brought to my attention." Hotch sat down at his desk, Rossi standing staggered behind him. "We just want you to know, we take the wellbeing of our agents very seriously, and if there's anything going on outside of work that-" 

"There's nothing going on." she said with a harsh tone, clenching her fists. 

"Y/n that's not what we've heard-" 

"I don't care what you've heard, and I would appreciate it if you stayed out of my private life." she stood up, going for the door. 

Rossi put his hand on it, blocking her exit, "Bella, we're just trying to help." 

"Well I don't need your help! I can take care of myself." 

"Not to be harsh, but the bruises on your neck tell a different story. Now please, _sit down._ " Anger coursed through her veins, she blinked back tears of frustration as she sat back down in the chair. "Ultimately if you don't want to seek help, there's not much we can do. But just know we're all here for you, you've got a good support system. And if you don't want to tell us, please tell Emily or even Spencer, I know how close you are with them." 

She scoffed, "You're acting like I've been abused." 

"Y/n, we get-" Rossi began. 

"No you don't get it, again I would _love_ if you stayed out of my private life, but I am very happy in my relationship. And I'm sorry that I like it a little rough." She pushed herself out of her chair, this time no one stopped her as she stormed out the door. 

Spencer quickly stood up, walking to her, "Is everything okay?" 

"Get your things, we're leaving." she grabbed his wrist, he scrambled to pick up his bag, following her out of the bullpen. He glanced back to see Hotch and Rossi, both of their arms crossed over their chests, watching as y/n charged into the elevator. 

"I'm sorry, Y/n-" 

"God, would you just stop apologising? Everyone's acting like I'm so fucking fragile, and if they even just blow on me I'll break apart. I'd like to think I'm stronger then that." he could see her eyes were slightly glassy, she turned quickly when she noticed him watching her. 

"They're just worried, _I'm_ worried." Spencer replied, placing a hand on her shoulder which she shrugged off. 

"Well don't be, and can we just wait till we get home to finish this conversation?" 

"Yeah, whatever you want." the words rolled off his tongue quickly as they stepped into the car park. 

"Thank you." 

\-----

"I'm horrible, I'm a horrible person." 

The car ride was quiet. Spencer shifted constantly in his seat, watching as y/n tightly gripped the steering wheel. He couldn't tell if the quiet music humming in the background made the wordless interaction between them better or worse. It was only a short drive but it felt like hours, and as their heavy feet made their way into Spencers apartment, he had to bite his tongue so he wouldn't apologise again. 

She sat him down on the couch and as soon as her arms made their way around him, he broke down. She wiped his tears with her thumb and kissed his forehead. 

"You're not horrible, you're just hurting." she replied in the caring voice Spencer loved. 

"Yeah, but that's not an excuse to hurt the woman I love." he chewed on the inside of his cheek as she shifted to get close to him. 

"Spencer what happened? I know it can't just be about the case." his breath hitched as he saw the glassiness return to her eyes. 

"It's just- it's everything, it keeps piling on, one after the other and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so scared it makes me fucking angry and I- I take it out on you." he cupped her cheek. 

"It's okay-" 

"No it's not, nothing about this is okay." he gently held her neck, running his fingers across the marks that were slowly starting to reveal themselves again "Look what I've done." 

"You didn't do anything wrong-" 

"Stop. Saying. That." He pushed himself off the couch, running his fingers through his hair. "Stop excusing my horrible actions. You should be yelling at me and screaming that you hate me, not- not telling me you love me and that what I did is okay because I'm broken, or some shit." 

"But I do love you and I'm not going anywhere." she followed him, getting up and trying to hold him. 

"Well you shouldn't." 

"Guess what Spencer, that's too fucking bad." she yelled "Because I love you, and I don't think I'll ever fucking stop, no matter what you do to me. Is it unhealthy? Fucking maybe. But I honestly couldn't give less of a fuck, because you not being in my life would hurt more than anything else you could possibly do to me." 

"I- I don't know w-what to say." he whispered.

"Don't say anything. Just come over here and fucking kiss me." 

He grabbed both sides of her face, pulling her in until their lips collided. It was a feverish kiss, filled with the love that they had for one another. She swiped her tongue over his bottom lip, he opened wider allowing her access to deepen the kiss. They fought against each other, her hands weaving in his hair, pulling at it at the nape of his neck. He dug his fingers into her sides, moving her closer to him until their chests were flush against each others. He moved his hands, to hold her face again, enveloping her lips. They struggled to pull away from each other, seeking comfort in the others touch. 

"I'm going to go visit my mom for a couple days, she's not doing too well, so I need to speak to her doctors." she slung her arms over his shoulders, their heads resting against each others. 

"Uh- do you maybe, want me to come? I've got a whole stack of vacation days I need to cash in so..." 

"Really?" his brows knitted together, pulling away slightly so he could see her face. 

"Yes really stupid, I'm sure you could use the support." he pulled her in for another kiss. 

"What did I do to deserve you?" he let out a sad laugh, while she loving caressed his cheek. 

"Nothing Spencer Reid, because you already deserve the world." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are moving into phase two my dudes. 
> 
> what is phase two you may ask? idk you'll just have to wait to find out. 
> 
> also the support i have gotten in such a small amount of time on this fic is incredible. I can't tell you how grateful I am 
> 
> also I may or may not have another fic coming so oooo exciting 
> 
> gahhhh i love yall 
> 
> have an amazing day, take care of yourselves 
> 
> -A


	13. Needy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- smut  
> \- oral (fem receiving)  
> \- degradation  
> \- mild praise kink  
> \- mild daddy kink
> 
> \-----
> 
> hi before we start, I HAVE A NEW FIC OUT. 
> 
> its called 'pleasure to meet you' and its a reid x reader x hotch fic. 
> 
> i adore those kind of books so i said fuck it and started my own. the prologue and first chapter are out right now, so if you like my stuff please go check it out. can't tell how excited i am for it, eeeeee
> 
> now back to your regularly scheduled spencer reid content <3

\-----

_"What did I do to deserve you?" he let out a sad laugh, while she loving caressed his cheek._

_"Nothing Spencer Reid, because you already deserve the world."_

\-----

The world looked so small, from thirty-eight thousand feet in the air. It was almost unnoticeable. The clouds covering what some people called home. Makes you think just how insignificant your life is. No matter how important you may seem to yourself, there's always someone that passes right by you, without even noticing your presence at all.

Spencer couldn't stop staring.

She was just so beautiful and perfect and good.

He wished everyone could know her. Know how amazing she is.

He also wished that everyone could know she was his. Completely and utterly his own and in turn she owned every fibre of his being also.

She tapped her right index finger against her thigh, he was sure if he concentrated hard enough he would be able to the distinguish the song that was playing in her head, just by her nervous ticking. He reached out, stopping her finger from beating against her leg once again and took her hand in his. She smiled softly up at him before holding onto him tightly and burying her face into his shoulder.

Everything melted away right at that instant.

He wasn't worrying about his mom. He wasn't calculating how long it would take until they landed, right to the second. He was just existing, with her.

"I'm kind of sad." her voice broke the silence, she still peered out the window, down towards the clouds.

"Why are you sad?"

"I kind of wish we were driving, I like road trips." She was softly spoken as per usual when they were alone together. He loved this side of her. The side that others rarely got to see, but the side he now knew as her normal.

"Baby, it would have taken us more than thirty hours to drive from Quantico to Vegas. That also doesn't take into account traffic or rest stops-"

"Yeah but we could have done it. Ten hours one day, ten hours the next, ten the day after that." She now looked up to him, running her hands over his chest. "We could have stayed in some fancy hotel, relaxed. Given that pretty head of yours some down time." She stroked his head, running her fingers through his locks. "Maybe given _both_ of your pretty heads some down time..." she trailed off, softly kissing his lips, her hands creeping lower down his stomach.

He cleared his throat, removing her hands and holding them tightly, "As much as I would love that, I only asked Hotch for three days off." She playfully pouted, "But when we get back, I'm sure we could arrange for some... _down time_." he released her, taking her lips in his once again. 

"I can't wait." She giggled, linking her hand in his once again, resting her head on his shoulder.

\-----

Spencer's heart didn't stop the whole time he walked down the hall way to his mothers room. Y/n grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together. There were so many things to be worried about in this situation. Sure he was worried about his mom, but he was more worried about her meeting y/n. It's not like she wouldn't approve, because y/n was perfect, but the small chance of her rejecting the woman he loved scared the shit out of him. But just her hand in his calmed his nerves significantly.

He pushed open the door slowly, his mother was sitting in a chair, looking out the window.

"Mom?" When she turned around to him, he saw it. It was only for a split second, but he saw it. The look in her eye's told him all he needed to know. For one tiny second, she didn't recognise him. A pain spread through his chest so quickly that he almost double over, y/n held onto him tighter.

"Spencer!" and then it was over, his Mom embraced him, and all was right in the world. Except it wasn't. "And you brought a friend?" her eyebrows raised playfully.

"Mom, this is my girlfriend, Y/n" she was beaming, and Spencer could no longer contain his cheesy grin.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs Reid." She held out her hand but instead the older woman embraced her.

"Please call me Diana." She gestured them over to sit down, turning her chair around to face them. "I've heard a lot about you Y/n, you make my son very happy."

Y/n's eyebrows raised playfully, "Oh is that so?" she looked directly at Spencer.

"You know he writes me a letter every single day." She grabbed hold of his, "I can't remember the last time you weren't mentioned in it."

Spencer blushed, whispering, "Mom."

"Oh honey it's nothing to be embarrassed about." she dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

"I'm hoping it wasn't all bad things." Y/n giggled.

"Oh no nothing of the sort, he has never said one bad word about you." y/n's jaw slacked slightly, taking hold of his hand again.

"Not one bad word, huh?" she teased, before Spencer cut her off.

"I uh need to talk to your Doctor, Mom. Y/n do you want to come with me or are you fine to stay here?" he reciprocated her grip, holding onto her hand tighter.

"I can come if you want me to-"

"You go Spencer, me and Y/n need to have a girl talk. One on one." his mother grinned, shooing him away.

"Okay? Don't scare her." he pointed a playful finger.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Spencer shut the door quietly making his way down the hall again. He couldn't believe how absolutely and positively in love with this girl he was. He could barley pay attention to what the Doctors were saying because he was so caught up in his head.

As he made his way back to his mothers room he could hear soft giggling, not wanting to disturb he waited at the door for a pause in the conversation.

"I wasn't lying when I said you make my son extremely happy." he heard his mothers voice muffled through the door.

"Well I'm glad, because he makes me extremely happy as well." Spencer couldn't help but smile as he continued to listen to the conversation.

"I haven't seen him look like that for a long time, my boy has been through a lot. He deserves someone good like you."

"I honestly can't imagine my life without him, and I can't believe he didn't tell you that we used to hate each other."

"Well obviously he never did, because every word he wrote about you was good. I honestly believe that he fell in love with you the day you met." Spencer shook his head at his mother spilling his secrets.

"Well don't tell him this, but I never hated him either." She was playfully whispering, but Spencer heard it all. It felt like his heart was beating so fast in the best way. He didn't even realise that Y/n had opened the door, to see him standing staring at there.

"Spencer Reid, were you eaves dropping?"

"Uh no." he blushed, looking at her with her hands on her hips.

"How much did you hear?" she pursed her lips.

"Nothing." he dragged out the word.

"Nothing?" she asked again, a stern glare on her face.

"Nope not a word."

"Mhm" she playfully punched his arm before pulling him back into the room.

"This one's a keeper." Diana spoke proudly, the same bright smile that she shares with her son.

"Glad to know you never hated me though." he whispered in her ear, feeling as she nudged him harshly, dropping back down into her seat.

Time flew by as the three talked and Spencer crushed them in poker, most of the time, but Diana could hold her own. Except for the one time that y/n won, but even then Spencer had helped her out. He couldn't stop admiring his girlfriend the whole time, he knew she could tell he was ogling at her, but he didn't care. She'd roll her eye's every time she caught him and flash a sweet smile. It kind of hurt Spencer to leave, he hadn't seen his mother this happy in a good while and he didn't know if he'd get to see it again for a long time.

"We should probably go Mom, but we'll come visit you again before our flight tomorrow okay?"

"Okay Spencer. It was nice to meet you y/n, keep my boy in check." She pointed with her finger, scrunching up her face.

"Of course Diana, we'll see you soon."

They said their goodbyes before exiting the room. Y/n skipped down the hall holding his hand. He was so completely and utterly happy.

\-----

"I'm so tired, I swear I could pass out right now." Y/n flopped down on the best, exhausted. Spencer climbed over the top of her, his palms resting either side of her face on the bed.

"You sure you want to pass out, right now." He had a dark look in his eyes, a smirk creeping onto his face.

"Why? What do you have in mind?" The dark glint spread to her eyes as well. She bit her bottom lip and began to slowly slip off her shirt, pulling it over her head.

"Does my good girl deserve a reward?" He kissed down her neck, onto her chest. "Good girls answer my questions."

"Yes Sir, I deserve a reward." She moan out, his hand sliding behind her back and unclasping her bra. Her jeans slowly slid off after that before he climbed back up, his head positioned just above hers.

"Tell me what you want." He whispered, dragging his fingers up the centre of her chest. His featherlight touch making her back arch.

"I want you Spencer." He crashed his lips into hers, slowly fighting for dominance. Like usual she submitted, allowing him to take control, deepening the kiss. Holding on his side, using his hand to play with the hem of her underwear, slowly inching it under the fabric. She moaned against his lips as she felt him cup her heat, before pulling her panties clean off.

He kissed down her stomach, leaving small marks on the inside of her thighs. He lightly blew at her centre, pushing down her waist as her hips bucked up towards him. He chuckled at how responsive she was as he licked a clean strip up he slit, a guttural moan ripping from the back of her throat.

" _Oh god_." Her hips bucked up towards him again, now holding her thighs down to the bed as he continued his attack on her clit. Gently he pushed a finger into her heat, watching as she squirmed against him.

"Does my little slut want more?" he teased another finger at her entrance. She hummed in response, as he pushed yet another finger deep inside of her, curling them up towards her g-spot. His tongue returned to her clit as she twitched underneath him.

"I need more." She managed to choke out as she came undone.

"So greedy." He took a moment to admire her. before positioning himself above her again "What do you want?" he whispered kindly, watching her pant.

"Again, I want you Spencer. I want you inside me." She stuttered, he cruelly laughed, unbuckling his belt.

"Beg for me." he lined himself up teasing her entrance.

" _Please._ Please fuck me." he pushed his tip inside of her.

"You're going to have do better than that, whore." He remained unmoving, watching as she struggled to get the words out.

" _Please fuck me daddy._ " The words came out louder then she expected. He smirked at her neediness, thrusting deep into her. Curses fell off her lips as he bottomed out inside her cunt, feeling it throb around him. Soon she was begging again, shaking underneath him.

"Please come daddy." she could feel him twitch, his thrusts becoming more staggered and sloppy.

"Does my little whore want daddy to come deep inside her? Is that it?" he scoffed, his pace slow yet powerful "And what makes you worthy?"

 _'Because you've done it every other time'._ She thought. 

She bit her bratty tongue, "Because I've been a good girl." she moaned.

That was all he needed. He buried his dick inside her, emptying himself. A warmth spread through her as he collapsed onto her chest, their breathing beginning to syncopate. They both felt cold as he pulled himself out, padding to the bathroom before delicately wiping her thighs and cleaning his remaining essence off of her. 

"Are you exhausted now, baby?" He crept under the covers, slinging his arm around her waist and pulling her close to his chest.

"Spencer," She took a deep breath, "I am absolutely and positively dead." He chuckled, kissing the top of her head. He watched as her breathing evened out and she drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop writing smut in religion class lol
> 
> guess we're back on the daddy train, woot woot next stop parental issues central. 
> 
> anyways this chapter kinda sucks sorry :(
> 
> its mostly just a filler so hopefully more exciting things to come soon, but at least theres smut 
> 
> but thanks for reading anyways
> 
> please remember to check out 'pleasure to meet you' as well that would be greatly appreciated
> 
> love all of youse 
> 
> -A


	14. Bad Feelings and Bile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- Panic attack  
> \- Vomit

\------

_"Spencer," She took a deep breath, "I am absolutely and positively dead." He chuckled, kissing the top of her head. He watched as her breathing evened out and she drifted off into a peaceful slumber._

\-----

Unease flooded Spencers body. 

Today didn't feel right.

The stale smell of the hotel room almost made him throw up. The way the bed sheets felt against his skin made him itch. It felt like everyone was looking at him all at once, but no one was there at all. Y/n was still asleep, her light breaths and quiet muttering not even enough to calm his nerves. 

Why was he this nervous? 

His hands were clammy, there was a good portion of sweat threatening to seep from his brow, his stomach was in knots. If this wasn't a sign of something bad about to happen, he didn't know what was. He sucked oxygen into his lungs in long drawn out breaths, hoping to god he would be able to calm himself just a little, but alas he was mistaken. He stared up at the blank ceiling, aggressively pushing his fingers through his hair. 

"If you pull at your hair any harder, you're gonna tear it out." Spencer jumped slightly hearing her groggy voice in his ear. "I'm sorry did I scare you?" 

"Only a little." He turned to face her, her bright smile making the edge of his lip turn up slightly. Her face fell significantly as he could feel her scan every part of his skin. 

"What's wrong?" she cupped his cheek, still searching for an answer before he gave her one. 

"I'm not sure." He ground his palm into his eye, before y/n lightly lifted it away, "I feel so sick, but not normal sick. I just feel like something is terribly wrong, like the earths axis is tipped in a way it's not supposed to be, if that makes sense." 

"Maybe you are sick." She place the back of her hand against his head, "Baby you're burning up." 

"No. No I'm not actually sick, just something isn't right." He pressed his eyes together tightly, small little white stars popping up in darkness his eyelids created. 

"Okay." She whispered, "Then if you're not _sick_ sick, then what's going on?" She ran her fingers through his hair lighter than he was doing previously, taking care to press against his scalp and ease the tension. 

"I- god I don't know. But there's a pit in my stomach and I can't help feeling like something bad is going to happen to you, and there will be nothing I can do to stop it." 

She sighed, "Spencer you're under a lot of stress right now, it's only natural that it would manifest into something physical. There's only so much your body can take." She laid her hands flat on his chest, gently dropping her head forward to rest on his. "And nothing is going to happen to me, Spencer. I'm okay, see?"

She lifted his chin with her hand, he swallowed the lump in his throat, "Ju-just promise me you'll stay close to me today, okay? I can't have anything happen to you." 

"Okay." She locked her lips into his tenderly, "As long as you promise me, to tell me if things get worse. I don't want you thinking you have to deal with all this stress alone." 

"Deal." He stole another kiss, quietly admiring the way her lips connected perfectly with his.

\-----

"Thank you." Spencer pushed the room key across the reception desk, checking out. Y/n was waiting from him at the door with their bags.

The feeling of nausea and dread never left him the whole morning, he had to consciously keep whatever was left in his stomach down. When he turned around, y/n was standing with a man he had never seen before. She seemed uncomfortable, her arms crossed around her stomach, her face had a nervous smile plastered across it. At that moment all the dread swirled and stormed in his stomach, bubbling and boiling. It was like the bad feeling he had this morning was standing in front of him, in the form of a person, but he didn't know why.

Spencer has never been one to not trust his gut, so he trudged his feet over to her, grabbing her waist.

"You ready to go babe?" The expression on her face looked relieved as all hell when he inserted himself into the conversation. The man standing across from her looked less than impressed, his anger extremely visible on his face.

"Yeah baby, let's go" She turned to the man standing in front of her, "Sorry I couldn't help you sir." She turned the two of them around, their fast pace matching.

"What was he saying?"

"He was just asking for directions, but I have no idea where anything is, so I tried to tell him the receptionist could help, but he just kept asking." Her face scrunched up, "It's like he couldn't let me stop talking to him, it was really weird."

"Yeah, that's uh w-weird." His head was spinning in the worst way, maybe he actually was going to be sick. "I-is there a bathroom around here?"

"Down the hall. Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah" he picked up his pace, pushing open the heavy bathroom door. He stumbled into the stall, quickly dropping to his knees before emptying his stomach. 

"Baby?" The sound of y/n's voice echoed and bounced off the walls, "Spencer are you okay?" Before he knew it, she was kneeling beside him, running slow circles on his back. 

"I'm fine." He tipped his head back groggily, the room still spinning. 

"You don't look fine. Spencer I'm worried." She brushed the hair slightly dangling in his face.

"Don't be-" He was cut off by another wave of nausea, clutching the porcelain bowl as he began to dry heave. 

"Spencer I don't know if we should be flying today, you're pretty sick-" 

"No." he wiped his mouth, pushing past what he was feeling and trying to steady himself on his feet. "Hotch only gave me three days, and I'm fine." 

"You're clearly not. But I'll cut you a deal. If this isn't better by tomorrow when we get back, I'm taking you to see a doctor. And in turn, I'll stop asking questions and we catch out flight like we're supposed to. Sound fair?" She handed him some gum as he finished washing his hands and cleaning up. 

"Okay." He said just above a whisper, taking her hand and shakily walking out of the bathroom. 

All the stress was finally catching up with him and manifesting itself into a large pit in his stomach that he couldn't get rid of. 

Truthfully, no matter how many times he said it, he wasn't fine. 

He didn't know exactly what was wrong, but he knew it wasn't okay. 

He couldn't tell y/n that though, it would only worry her. And she didn't deserve that. He was already a burden, he didn't need to add to it. 

\-----

"I'm just warning you Dr Reid, your mother is having a really tough time this morning." One of the nurses explained, leading him and y/n down the hall to his mothers room. 

After checking out of the hotel, the couple made their way to visit Spencers mother before they left. Y/n could tell something was definitely wrong, and it took everything in her not to pester him about it. His hands started to shake as he listened to the nurse, y/n grabbing a hold of one and grasping it tightly. 

"Y/n you don't need to come in, you can just wait in the waiting room or something." His voice was softly and slightly scratchy. 

"It's okay, I can come in if-" 

"No." He let out a little too fast, "Uh no, it's fine. _Please_ , just go wait for me." She didn't want to press him about it. Instead she gave him a chaste peck on the lips and silently walked down the hall to the waiting room. 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. 

_Shit._

_'Are you free this weekend?'_

She rested her phone in her lap, her vision never leaving the message on the screen. God, she hated waiting rooms. It always brought on a sense of anxiety and apprehension. It gave her too much time to think, to get lost in her own head. Rooms like this, were always sterile and cold and void of any solace. 

But mostly, waiting bred disappointment. 

Disappointment... reminded her of her family. 

She felt like a shit daughter most of the time. Especially compared to her sisters. Y/n was the one who never seemed to call enough, and never seemed to visit enough, even though she lived less than an hour away. 

Her sisters however, were perfect. 

They were the ones to look after her parents. They provided her them with everything a daughter should give them. Company, attention... grandchildren. 

Sure Y/n was young, twenty six to be exact. But the expectation was still there. Her older sister Angela started popping them out at twenty two. Even Leah who was two years younger than y/n, had a nine month old. Y/n was the absent child, the disappointment. 

Saying that, she was nothing like her sisters. 

She wasn't the settle down type. She always had to be moving and stimulating her brain. She would go crazy at a desk job and even more insane if she was a stay at home mother. Angela and Leah loved it though, and they were the perfect people for it. Maternal, great care takers. Another thing y/n was not.

How long had she been staring at the text on her phone for? 

She couldn't avoid it any longer. She would have to visit eventually, she didn't know how much time there was left. She wouldn't like it, but she would do almost anything for her dad. Even if it meant seeing her mother and older sister. 

"You ready to go?" Y/n looked up at Spencer, his eyes glassy. She said she wouldn't ask anymore questions but... 

"Spencer what happened?" She rose, placing a gentle hand on his arm. 

"Y/n you promised you wouldn't ask." his voice broke in a heartbreakingly sad way, how could she not ask when he looked so damn miserable. 

"I know, I'm sorry." She sighed, "Lets go catch that flight." she said in the bubbliest way possible.

She quickly lifted her phone, typing out and deleting her message four times before finally sending it. 

**Angela:** Are you free this weekend?   
Dad wants to see you.

_Yeah I am, tell me when you want me._

She slipped it back in her pocket, a deep sigh leaving her lips. 

"Everything alright?" Spencer swung their hands slightly, trudging out of the facility. 

"Yeah just family stuff. No biggie." 

\------

"Why were you in Vegas?... at the same time as Reid." Penelope cornered Y/n in the break room, pointing a finger at her. 

"Pen, did you track me?" She turned around, her jaw slightly slacking. 

"Well Hotch said you were taking a few days off and I got concerned, because you didn't tell me. So yeah, I may of tracked you." The words spilled quickly and awkwardly out of her mouth. 

"And Reid too?" 

"No, I already knew he was visiting his Mom. But why were you there?" She squinted, trying to put on her most intimidating voice. 

"Because he asked me?" She went back to making her coffee. Penelope wasn't a profiler but being surrounded by them made her pick up a few tricks. Y/n was worried that if Garcia asked the right questions her body language would give away the answers. 

"He asked you?!" She shrieked, "Of all people, why did he ask you?" 

Ouch. 

"Because he needed support from a friend? I don't know, ask him." She kind of hoped she wouldn't ask him, because he was almost as bad at coming up with excuses on the spot as she was. 

"A friend hey?" Garcia wiggled her eyebrows, nudging her. 

"Ew gross, not like that." It was exactly like that, but she wasn't ready to give Garcia that whole run down yet. 

"I think Reid's got a crush." she sung. 

Y/n scoffed, "Fuck off, he does not." 

"This all makes sense now." She gasped, "Have you seen the way he looks at you? And how he always tries to it next you during briefings? Oh my god and he brings you coffee everyday and offers to drive you home-" She continued to rambled before y/n cut her off. 

"He does not have a crush, you're dreaming." She rolled her eyes, "You Garcia, have been stuck in that tiny little room for too long, you're going crazy."

"You have to admit, for someone that has expressed their hatred for you on multiple occasions, he sure as hell is being pretty darn sweet. Don't you think?" 

Damnit, she forgot they 'hated' each other. Claps to them both for thinking that one through. 

"No I don't think. And I need to get back to work, I have a shit tonne of paperwork to do and Hotch will kill me if it isn't in on time." She picked up her coffee and practically ran out of the break room. 

"Say hi to lover boy for me." She teased with a giggle.

Y/n flashed her middle finger up, before settling back into her desk. 

Hopefully Garcia won't go spilling her guts about her little theory. 

But knowing her, Morgan will know about it in the next five minutes. 

Let the teasing begin...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this bitch has over 3k hits now, god I love ya'll
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter although it was a lil bit of a downer idk. 
> 
> anyway, hope you have an amazing day, take care of yourselves. 
> 
> mwah
> 
> -A


	15. To My Love...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- smut i guess?

\-----

_Hopefully Garcia won't go spilling her guts about her little theory._

_But knowing her, Morgan will know about it in the next five minutes._

_Let the teasing begin..._

\-----

"Are you and your boyfriend coming out for the team dinner?" Emily perched herself on the side of Y/n's desk whispering to her.

"You guys really need to give that shit a rest, Reid is not my boyfriend." She rolled her eyes, swivelling her chair to face Y/n.

"I meant your actual boyfriend y/n, tomorrow is a great time to introduce him to the team." She shrugged, taking a sip from the mug in her hand.

Oh shit.

The team knew she had a man in her life, they just didn't know how serious.

However, Emily knew almost everything... except that it was Spencer. She's glad she kept her promise of not telling the team she was in a relationship, but now things were even more complicated with her.

"I uh, don't think so, we're just not ready." she smiled, fighting the urge to look at Spencer who was almost certainly hearing this conversation.

"That's okay, but you're still coming right?"

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss it for the world." She saw Spencer get up, most likely going to get more coffee.

"I've been meaning to ask, how is he? I know you went to see his Mom with him."

"Penelope really can't leave any detail out can she?" She let out a sad laugh, "But uh, he's struggling, I just want to help him you know? But it's hard when he's so stubborn, fucking scorpios."

"Yeah he can be, I'm just glad you're looking out for him." The two women shot Spencer a sideways smile as he sat back down at his desk, a fresh cup of coffee in his hands. Emily leaned down closer to her, "You're a great _friend_." She whispered with a wink.

Double shit.

\-----

"We're going to be late, Spencer." She giggled as he trailed kisses down her neck, "Especially if you ruin my make up again."

"We could just skip it all together." He said, his voice muffled against her neck.

"Do you know how suspicious that is, were you not listening when I said I think Emily knows about us?"

"I heard, I just don't care." He held her waist from behind, looking up slightly so their eyes caught in the mirror.

"Are you saying that because you actually want to tell the team about us, or are you just horny?"

He looked up in thought for a moment, "I'm not sure." She smiled watching as his mind sunk deeper into the topic, his tongue peaking out behind his lips.

"Do you think we should tell them?" She turned around fully, biting her lip, "We're going to have to eventually."

"Uh, maybe just leave it a little bit longer, it's funny watching them actually try to work out if we're dating or not." He smirked, leaning in to kiss her.

Their lips locked together, their tongues exploring as Spencer grabbed a hold of her cheeks pulling her closer. He pulled away quickly, Y/n attempting to follow him to continue the kiss.

"That reminds me, I have something special planned for tonight." He dashed off excitedly, "Wait there." He yelled as y/n heard him rummaging around in his bag.

"Close your eyes," he walked back into the bathroom, his hands behind his back. She hesitantly shut them, bouncing slightly in anticipation. "Open."

Her jaw dropped as she saw the item sitting in the palm of his hand, "Fuck no."

"Baby-" He pouted.

"Don't 'baby' me, Spencer. That _thing_ you're holding, is a death wish. If the team doesn't know we're at least fucking now, they will definitely know by the end of tonight if I wear that." Spencer pouted some more, as y/n continued to glare at the small remote controlled vibrator sitting in his palm.

"It's a good way to go." He smirked, moving closer to her, "I promise I won't put it to the highest setting."

"You're lucky I love you." His face brightened as she snatched the item from him, lifting up her skirt and inserting it into herself, resting the outside part on her clit.

He fiddle with his phone, "I'm just gonna-"

"Fuck me!" She began to twitch as the vibrator pulsed wildly inside of her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to," he quickly lowered the setting, "Now I won't put it on the highest."

"Mhm."

\-----

"And how is the BAU's favourite couple?" Morgan greeted them as they sat down next to each other at the table. Y/n almost fell into her seat as the vibrator turned on, she glared at Spencer who only shrugged.

"Not a couple." She smiled, pinching Spencers hand as he looked down at his phone under the table.

"Ouch, what did you do that for?" Spencer whined, god for a genius he was dumb. She shot him a look, feeling as the vibrator turned off.

"Everything alright?" JJ asked, passing Rossi the bottle of wine.

"Everything's fine now." Not even moment later it turned back on, the vibrations twice as hard as they were before. She coughed in effort to cover up her shock, turning to Spencer as steam blew out of her ears, "Seriously?" she whispered.

"You don't have it in for no reason." he smirked, increasing the level once again.

Y/n swallowed hard, "Spencer I'm begging you, five minutes" Feeling at ease as the vibrator turned off, she tried to immerse herself back into the conversation. Y/n poured her and Spencer some wine, basking in the expensive taste of it, thanks to Rossi offering to buy the wine for the table.

And just like clockwork, after five minutes the stupid vibrator was back on. She shot daggers, digging her nails into Spencers thigh.

"What? You said five minutes." he grinned, which only made y/n's face turn into more of a scowl.

"I didn't mean literally!" She tried to keep a hushed tone, but the frustration was raising her volume, "God for someone's who's so smart you're really fucking dumb sometimes." She rolled her eyes, her leg hitting the table as the vibrator went from a low buzz to rapid pulses.

"Say it again, I dare you." Y/n's lip began to twitch as she stared at Spencer.

"Woah break it up you too." Morgan chuckled, before thanking the waiter, as the food slowly rolled out.

"Do you guys ever stop bickering?" JJ added, pouring another glass of wine.

"I'll stop bickering, when Spencer finally _listens_ to me." She said through gritted teeth, elbowing him in the side. Y/n laughed as he recoiled slightly.

"You know what, I have a great idea." Morgan rubbed his hands together menacingly, y/n could feel the vibrator slowly turn off, "You two have to be pleasant to each other for the rest of the night, and whoever snaps first pays for the bill. If neither of you do, Rossi will pay."

"Why am _I_ paying?" Rossi spoke up, his brow furrowing.

"Who here is the millionaire?" Morgan added, Rossi gave a proud shrug, muttering a 'fine' to the table.

"Game on." Spencer stuck out his hand.

Y/n took it, shaking firmly, "I'm going to crush you." She said with a wide smile, twisting his arm.

"We'll see about that." Spencer glanced down and before she could even flinch, there was a pulsating sensation between her legs again.

\-----

To say Spencer had an advantage in this whole thing, was an absolute understatement.

Any time y/n said anything remotely aggressive, boom vibrator turned back on. Even when she wasn't doing anything.

Trying to have a conversation— vibrator.

Taking a sip of her wine— vibrator.

Checking her phone— vibrator.

It made her frustrated at best and murderous at worst. She would definitely kill him if he kept this bullshit up.

But like the dumb genius he was, he continued to the press her buttons. 

She was now gripping his thigh tightly, muffling her moans with wine or strategically placed coughs. She could deal with this, she's dealt with much worse that's for sure. She screwed her eyes shut, not even realising Spencer had leaned over to whisper in her ear. 

"Don't tell me you're going to come, in front of all these people." He gasped as she bit her lip, he clicked his tongue, "Aw is someone not as tough as she thinks she is? Come on little girl, come." He taunted, her blood beginning to boil, "Show me what a pathetic little slut you are-" 

"Spencer Walter Reid, that is enough." She stood up abruptly, all eye's on her, "I need a moment. And I don't care what the bet was, you are so paying for dinner." She stormed off into the bathroom, the vibrations still running through her. 

"What did you do, man?" Morgan asked curiously, the rest of the tables eye's scanning him for answers. 

"I just said some things I probably shouldn't have." Spencer stifled a laugh, "I'm gonna go check on her." He pushed himself out of his seat. 

"Good luck kid, you're gonna need it." Spencer scoffed as he followed y/n down the hall and into the womens rest room. 

"You're not supposed to be in here, it's the womens bathroom." y/n stared at the scowl on her face, seeing Spencer push the door open in her peripheral vision. 

"Oh shit, I had no idea." He jokingly checked the door again, there was a silence between them, he could almost hear how angry she was from the glare alone, "Are you really that upset?" 

Still nothing. Spencer took a cautious step forward, wrapping his arms around her waist. 

"Babe?" 

"I'm not speaking to you." She said with a pout. 

"Why?" he said innocently, holding in his chuckle. 

"Because I mad at you." 

"Even when I do this," he trailed kisses down her neck, "or this?" He turned her face, plastering a soft kiss on her lips.

She pushed his face away with a huff, "Especially that. We're gonna get caught." Her leg started to twitch, "Can I please take this stupid thing out now?" Pointing down towards her heat. 

"Do you have anywhere to put it if you do?" He asked, she scrunched her eyebrows together. 

"Your pocket?" 

"God no!" 

"Fine!" she stuck out her hand, "Then turn it off and give me your phone." 

With a dramatic pout, he pulled the phone from his pocket, slapping it in her hand. 

" _Good boy._ " She ruffled his hair, giggling as she pushed open the bathroom door. 

"That is not becoming a thing." He trailed behind her, with a blush he wouldn't like to admit was there. 

"I don't know, I kind of like it." She teased, walking back to the table. 

"Y/n I swear to god-" 

"Stop Spencer we aren't supposed to be fighting." She pulled out her chair, ignoring all the looks from the rest of the team.

"But-" 

"Be a good boy and sit down." she said in the most condescending way possible, patting his chair. 

"Wow Spencer, I'm surprised you made it back alive." Emily clasped her hands together on the table, her eyes examining the couple. 

"Do you guys really think I'm that aggressive?" 

The table let out a bunch of murmured 'yes's' and shrugs. 

"I see how it is." Y/n hit Spencers arm as he chuckled. 

"You just... proved our point." Emily added with a grimace. 

\-----

"Take it, I don't want it." Y/n flung the vibrator at Spencer, making it hit the car window as he dodged it. 

"Hey!" He pointed at her, "that was expensive." 

"Boo hoo, not like I'm wearing that shit again." She crossed her arms over her chest. 

"I wouldn't be so sure," he began to push his seat back, pulling her onto his lap, "you'll be surprised what I can make you do for me." 

"Is that right, little boy?" She moved in for a kiss, Spencer promptly dodging it. 

"I told you not to call me that." he grumbled, weaving his hands in her hair and yanking her head back. 

Y/n clicked her tongue, "Aww is my poor baby boy sad about the nick name I gave him?" She cooed. 

"Say it again, I dare you. See what happens when we get upstairs." She slid off his lap back into her own seat, picking up her bags. 

"As much as I'd love that Spencer, I need some sleep. I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow and the last thing I need is to walk in with eye bags and a limp." She giggled taking his hand as she watched him pout. "It's okay baby, it's less than two days and then I'll be back and you can do whatever you want to me." She leaned in, basking in the sweet kiss he gave to her in return. 

"Do you uh, want me to come with you?" he asked tentatively, resting his forehead on hers. 

"As much as I would love that, I don't want to subject you to the beast that is my mother again." She cupped his cheek, admiring his thoughtfulness. 

"It's really no problem, I want to." She couldn't help the smile from creeping on her face as he spoke. 

"Have I told you that I love you?" 

"Maybe a few a times, yeah." He nodded, a cheesy grin stuck to his face. 

"Well I love you, so much." She kissed his forehead, "Now go home and get some rest little boy, you're gonna need it for the weekend we're about to have." She quickly opened the door, hopping out. 

"What did I say about calling me that?" 

"Oops." she shrugged, flinging the door shut, before quickly opening it again, "Oh and pack an overnight bag, my parents want me to stay till Sunday." She shut the door again.

With a thumbs up, he rolled down the window, "I love you y/n, get some sleep, I hope you dream about me." 

"How could I not Spencer Reid." She yelled back, galavanting into her apartment building, "You're perfect sex dream material." 

She didn't have to look back to know he was blushing, she gave him one last wave before he drove off, seeing she was safe inside the building. 

The elevator ride was filled with a loving daze. She skipped down the hallway pushing open her apartment door. She dropped her handbag on the floor in the hallway, dragging her tired feet into her room. Sitting on her bed was a bunch of flowers, and a small envelope sitting on the top. 

She didn't even realise Spencer had left them there. He must had laid them on her bed before they left, whilst y/n was scrambling around the kitchen for her keys. 

But how did he sneak them in without her noticing? 

She was honestly too tired to care. She tore open the envelope, pulling out the simple black and white card, with _'To my love...'_ written in cursive writing on the front. She opened it up, her cheeks warming with love as she read the message. 

_'Love is our true destiny.  
We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-   
_ _We find it with another.'_

_\- Thomas merton_ _  
_

She placed the flowers in a vase, making a mental note to thank him later, before falling into bed. 

She slept easy, with the card sitting at her bedside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since I didn't end up doing the vibrator thing in 'use you words' i decided i had to use the reid fic staple in this.
> 
> also, does emily know???? oooooo
> 
> work kicked my ass today but i knew i needed to finish this for you guys so i hope you like it
> 
> -A


	16. Family Affairs

\-----

_She slept easy, with the card sitting at her bedside._

\-----

"I hope you're prepared for a shit show." Y/n dropped down into the seat in Spencers car, chucking her overnight bag in the back. 

"Y/n it won't be that bad." 

"You've met mother, tell me Spencer was she someone you would want to spend a whole weekend with?" She smiled sarcastically, Spencer didn't say a word, "Exactly. Well baby, imagine that times three, because my sisters are the perfect little clones of her."

"That's uh- it'll be fine. We've got each other." He reached out his hand, placing it on top of hers as he pulled out onto the street. 

"I think my dad will like you though, so that's a plus right?" She smiled, clasping her other hand over his, "One out of four." 

"I haven't even met your sisters yet and you're just assuming they wont like me?" 

"Don't take it personally, they just don't have taste. And you'll see that when you meet their husbands." Spencers face looked slightly terrified which only made y/n laugh. 

"If you don't mind me asking, in the past three months, I don't think you've ever visited your parents, why now?" 

Y/n's shoulders suddenly slumped. She knew the topic would arise, but it didn't hurt her any less even though she expected it. 

"My uh- dad has been diagnosed with bowel cancer." She took a shaky breath, "He starts chemotherapy on Tuesday, so he wanted to see me." She shrugged.

A heavy hand on her shoulder was all she needed. No words, no sorry's no statistics, just his touch. It's funny how much that one singular movement calmed her nerves significantly. 

"Do you want to play some of your music?" 

"Really?!" 

Y/n's face lit up. 

Spencer wasn't the biggest fan of music, especially her music. 

He was an idiot though, who doesn't love the dulcet sounds of Rihanna at seven o'clock in the morning whilst you're driving to work? Apparently him. He even went as far as banning her from playing anything on the aux whilst he was driving. So this was a big moment. 

"Yes really. Now hurry up and play your shitty music before I change my mind."

Y/n scrambled to plug her phone in, scrolling through her playlist to find a song she knew he would hate. 

\-----

"Home sweet home." Y/n groaned as they pulled into the drive way. 

Spencers eyes widened as he took in the view. 

He wouldn't tell Rossi, but y/n's childhood home was on par with his. He didn't know what to expect but he sure as hell wasn't expecting this. Looking back on it, from the way her mother dressed it made sense. 

"So you've lived here your whole life?" She grabbed hold of his hand, her other clasping her bag. 

"Yup, hasn't changed one bit." 

He could tell she was nervous, her hand shaking ever so slightly as she rang the door bell.

The door swung open, revealing a woman not too much older than y/n, "You're late y/n, you said you were coming at eleven, it's twelve." 

"Sorry, traffic." She shrugged. 

Spencer held in a laugh, there wasn't any traffic. In fact they made great time, a forty minute car trip cut down to half an hour due to how weirdly empty the roads were. 

He could tell her sister knew that, her words bitter, "Who's this?" She pointed towards Spencer. 

"My boyfriend, Spe-" 

"Did I hear boyfriend?" a voice called from down the hall, heels clicking on the floorboards. "I can't believe y/n finally has a- Oh, it's you." 

"You know him Mom?" Y/n's sister asked, her brows furrowing. 

"I'll tell you later honey," her mother whispered. "Now please, come in." Her tone was disgustingly warm, her disingenuous nature shining through. 

"Like I was saying, before Mom decided to interrupt me," Y/n shot daggers, "This is my boyfriend Spencer. Spencer meet my sister Angela, you already know my charming mother." She spat out sarcastically. Before her Mom got another word in, y/n was already speaking again, "Is Leah here yet?" 

"Yeah, she's out the back with dad." 

The couple followed the others further into the house, Spencer began to gawk at how lavish it was. 

As the door slid open, an older gentlemen got up, embracing y/n in a warm hug, "I thought you weren't going to come for a moment there." 

"Are you kidding? How could I say no to visiting you." Y/n looked genuinely happy to see her father, his eye's flicked to Spencer with an even bigger smile crowding his face, "Before anyone else asks, this is Spencer, my boyfriend" She spoke to the rest of the people sitting at the table on the deck. 

Although Spencer was a bit weird with germs, he thought it was only appropriate to shake her fathers hand. Another woman, holding a baby on her hip, introduced herself as 'Leah'. Whilst two men sitting towards the far end of the table greeted him with a quick wave. He can only assume they were the husbands. Spencer decided he would stick to y/n's side, not exactly ready or willing to have guy talk with the lovely gentlemen in the back.

Suddenly, Spencer felt someone run into him. He looked down to see a small child staring back up at him. 

"Luca, what did I say about looking where you're going?" His mother Angela scorned. 

"It's alright." Spencer crouched down towards the kid, "Hey little man, what you got there?" Luca said nothing, only clutching the toy car to his chest, "Is that a police car?" he nodded, looking away, "I drive a car like that." 

The child's eyes lit up, "Really, are you a policeman?" 

"Not exactly, but I do have a badge. You wanna see?" Luca excitedly nodded, his eyes wide as Spencer pulled out his FBI badge showing him, "Your Aunty y/n has one too." 

The kid looked up expectantly at his aunty as she crouched down next to Spencer, also pulling out her badge. She handed it to Luca letting him excitedly examine it. 

She kissed Spencer on the cheek, whispering, "You're perfect, you know that?" 

"Y/n come help with lunch, Mom needs you." Leah peaked her head out from inside, the baby still in her arms. She took the badge back, getting up with a huff. 

"Do you need help?" Spencer asked. 

"Nah it's okay, you can just sit. My Mom doesn't like making the husbands help with the food anyway. She says it's because men don't know how to cook, but really it's just because she's misogynistic." 

"Come take a seat, son." Her father patted the chair beside him. 

"You've been summoned." Y/n teased, "It won't be too long, I'll be back soon okay?" She gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before disappearing inside. 

Guess he was having guy talk after all. 

"I see you make my daughter very happy." 

Spencer slid out his chair, "I'd like to think so, Sir." He dropped down into his seat. 

"Oh no need to be so formal, Daniel is fine" Spencer offered a tight lip smile, watching as the two other men at the table gossiped like teenagers about him, "Don't mind them, they're idiots." Spencer chuckled, nervously averting eye contact. 

"You're different Spencer, aren't you?" 

"Sorry?" Spencer furrowed his brow. 

"You're not an idiot." 

"Uh- no?" his eyebrows scrunched even further. 

"How could you be with an IQ of 187, right?" Daniel chuckled. 

"He still manages to be sometimes though." Y/n sat down beside him, grabbing his hand. 

"How does he know about my IQ?" Spencer said quietly. 

"You're not the only who talks to their parents, silly." Y/n smiled.

"Right." 

"I hope you weren't scaring him dad." She turned to her father. 

"Of course not pumpkin." He laid a heavy hand on his shoulder, making Spencer jump.

"Have the goon squad over there decided to make polite conversation?" She flicked her head in the direction of the other men at the table. 

"Nope not yet, still just bitching." Daniel added with a snicker. 

"Mm figures. They're just jealous because Spencer is clearly better than them in every way, right babe?" 

"Uh" 

"Lunch is served." Angela chimed, placing dishes of food on the table. 

Conversation sprung to life. Spencer watched happily as y/n interacted with her niece and nephews, helping them with their food. Her mother still hadn't said another word to him, and neither did y/n's brother in laws. However her father was more than happy to have a chat, listening intently as Spencer rambled about his job and y/n. As everyone began to stop eating, the womens conversation turned to Spencer. 

"So Spencer, you're a doctor?" Angela asked, placing her cutlery down on top of her plate.

"Yes he is." Y/n answered quickly. 

"And you and y/n work together?" 

"Yup we work together, don't we Spencer?" She cut in again, making her sisters face drop. 

"Y/n I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Spencer." 

"Huh, sorry. I guess I didn't notice." She shrugged. 

Angela bit her tongue, "How long have the two of you been dating, _Spencer?_ " Y/n rolled her eyes. 

"Well we've been seeing each other for a while now, but I'd say we've been offical for just over a month." Spencer answered, grabbing his girlfriends hand in an effort to calm her down. 

"Oh, you only just made it offical?" She scrunched her eyebrows together. 

"Yes Angela, we were in a casual relationship before that, don't act like mom didn't bitch about it to you." She spat out. 

"Y/n it's okay" Spencer whispered, running his hand along her arm. 

"No it's not okay, when this whole family is filled with judgemental pricks." She pushed her chair out, storming inside. 

Spencer didn't say a word, he got up and followed after her, watching as she slipped away up the stairs. 

"Y/n wait!" She continued to dart away from him, moving to a room and shutting the door. He knocked tentatively, slowly pushing it open, "Baby it's just me, I'm coming in." 

His face dropped when he saw her crying, sitting on the edge of the bed, swiping away at tears. He cupped her cheek, moving her face to look at him. 

"I don't know why they always have to antagonise me. I get that I'm not perfect, but they don't have to rub it in all the time." She choked, sniffling as Spencer caressed her cheek.

"You are perfect. They're just assholes." She laughed as he pulled her in for a kiss, smiling sweetly as their lips locked together. 

Moments later a soft knock landed on the door, "Y/n are you in there?" The sound of Angela's voice came through muffled. "Listen I'm sorry." 

"Do you want me to let her in?" Spencer asked, still holding her. 

"Yeah, you can just go back down stairs, I'm assuming she wants to speak to me alone." Spencer nodded, placing a light peck on her lips. He opened the door with a kind smile before slipping out. 

The door closed softly as Angela made her way and sat down on the bed next to y/n, "I really am sorry, y/n. And Mom didn't tell me anything, I was just a little confused as to why you only made it offical so recently, when it's clear that the two of you are extremely close, that's all." 

Y/n nodded as Angela grabbed her hand, "He's very sweet, he seems good for you." 

"He is good for me, he's perfect for me." 

"He's good with kids too." Angela nudged her arm. 

"Just a little bit." she smiled. 

"Have you two spoken about it?" Y/n furrowed her brow, "About having kids?" 

"Uh no. We haven't, I know he wants them though, I just- don't know if I'm that type of person." She shrugged, looking down as she fiddled with her hands. 

"He's not the only one that's good with kids, you do really well with mine, and Leah's. You've always been quite secretly maternal." 

Y/n scoffed, "What? I so am not." 

"I am not going to argue with you, but you so are." The two of them giggled for a moment, before comfortable silence settled between the pair, "Come on, let's go save your boyfriend from whatever Mom is putting him through."

\-----

She giggled as Spencer crawled on top of her, attacking her with kisses, "Doesn't- doesn't this feel weird to you?" Spencer furrowed his brow as she spoke, "Just I was never allowed boys in my bedroom as a teenager, and I know I'm an adult, but it just feels odd." 

"I guess..." He trailed off, kissing her neck. 

"And the fact my sisters and parents are all still down stairs, how did you convince me to come up here again?" 

Spencer stopped, looking down at her amused, "I think I put my hand on your thigh, then you said 'lets get out of here' and _I_ followed _you_ upstairs." 

"Oh yeah that's right." He continued his assault, trailing his lips down her body, as he pulled up her shirt. "Do you want kids?" The words had been on the tip of her tongue all night, so much so, that she couldn't help blurting them out.

Spencers head shot up, "What?" 

"Don't you want kids?" She said in a more quiet fashion.

"Yeah, I do. But, I'm pretty sure you know that already."

"Do you want kids with me?" She asked. 

"Do you want kids with me?" He echoed back, watching as she averted her eyes. 

"I- I don't know." 

Spencer sat up, "Where is this coming from?" 

"Nowhere." 

He sighed, "Well I guess, it's not about whether I want kids with you, it's about whether you want them at all." He said slightly defeated. 

"I just, don't exactly think I'm mother material." 

"Y/n, being mother material won't change anything if you don't want kids." He looked away from her, staring at the floor. 

"I'm sorry." she whispered. 

"I get it, and it's okay. I don't need anything else, just you." 

"I know how much you want to be a father, and I don't want to be the one that takes away something you so desperately want." 

"Like I said, all I want is you." He held her tightly, "Now come on, they're probably wondering where we snuck off to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm currently sick so i'm spending the day writing for ya'll 
> 
> anyway this was kinda depresso espresso 
> 
> contemplating telling yall my name but like if my friends ever found this fic it would be so obvious it was me. lol maybe im just being paranoid...
> 
> -A


	17. The Narrative of John Smith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- Smut  
> \- Oral (male receiving)  
> \- Fingering  
> \- Choking  
> \- Degradation  
> \- yelling... oops
> 
> \-----
> 
> before we start wanna make this very clear y/n's mom only saw them kissing NOTHING ELSE wanna clear that up just incase people dont get it

\-----

_"Like I said, all I want is you." He held her tightly, "Now come on, they're probably wondering where we snuck off to."_

\-----

"Morning my love." She grumbled, smoothing down his hair. His eye's fluttered open, her messy hair and doe like eyes making her even more beautiful. 

"What time is it?" he grumbled. 

"Time to get up, the faster we go down and have breakfast, the faster we can get out of this hell hole." He chuckled at her excitement, pulling her in for a long tender kiss. 

"Alight, but just, stay a tiny bit longer." She giggled as he kissed down her neck, her hands weaving in his hair. She let out small moans and whimpers as his hands navigated through the bed sheets and made their way into her underwear. She pulled his head back up locking their lips together, his fingers teased her entrance-

The door swung open "Breakfast is- Jesus christ" 

"Mom, knocking exists!" 

"It's not my fault you two can't keep your hands off of each other." She fought back. 

Spencer wanted to bury himself in a hole. How has this shit happened twice?

_God he needs to get into the habit of locking doors._

"Just please get out, we'll be down in a moment." 

The door shut and she scrambled to it, quickly locking it, before jumping back on the bed. She crawled over him, biting her lip. 

_He knew what she was doing._

Spencer cocked his head the side, "Are you sure this is the best idea, y/n?" 

"Yes." She bit her lip, "well no, but I'm gonna do it anyway." 

She straddled his lap, grinding her hips against his, already feeling him harden underneath her. She latched her lips onto his neck, trailing down his bare chest. He moaned out as she clutched his clothed crotch, kneading it. 

"So responsive." She smirked, sliding down his boxers, "You're going to have to be quiet little boy, do you think you can do that?" She continued to pump his length, watching his eyes fight to stay open. "Answer me." She ceased her movement. 

"Y-yes." He chocked, as she continued her strokes. 

" _Good boy._ " 

She swirled her tongue around the head of his dick, slowly taking him in her mouth inch by inch. Her eyes stayed trained on him the whole time as she reached the base of his cock, holding it for a few seconds before withdrawing completely. He ran his hands through her hair, tightly gripping a bunch. 

"No touching." She scorned as he promptly dropped the fist full of hair, she flattened her tongue against his shaft, a small groan leaving his lips, "Shhh, quiet, you don't want anyone to hear us do you?" 

She bobbed up and down on his length, lightly gagging as he hit the back of her throat. In no time, she could already tell he was close, his hands gripping the bed sheets as she deep-throated him. His breaths became more and more spread apart as he chocked on moans. 

"Are you gonna come little boy?" He nodded enthusiastically, his eyes screwed shut, "Okay you can come... if you beg me for it." 

She could see his internal conflict, as his dominant side battled with his newfound submission, "Please." he finally said quietly. 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear" She tapped her ear, "Did my baby boy say something?" 

"Please let me come." He was the most defeated she had heard in a long time, which only made her laugh bitterly. 

"So fucking pathetic..." She took him into her mouth once more, pushing him to the back of her throat. A chorus of moans and what sounded like her name, spewed out of his mouth. She milked him of his euphoria, his dick leaving her mouth with a satisfying pop. 

"You want a taste?" she cooed, licking her lips. With a groggy nod, she climbed back up to him, taking his lips in hers. "Do you taste that? Do you like the way I make you feel?" 

"Don't" he pulled away, before quickly kissing her again, "ever," he tightly clutched her waist, "do that again." 

With one strong and swift movement, she was pinned down on her back, his hand wrapped around her throat.

She chuckled, "I like this necklace, I think it looks good on me, don't you think baby?" 

"Is this a joke a to you?" She shrugged in response, "Is the way I have you pinned down like the ungrateful slut you are, funny?" 

She swallowed, "No." Her voice felt tiny and weak. 

"Is my little girl scared? Well I'm sorry y/n, you should have thought about that before you decided you would try to play dom. Now look who's laughing." He reached into her underwear, her heat already dripping wet, "Did you really think I would just let you do that to me, without any consequences?" 

He wasn't looking for an answer. Instead he plunged two fingers into her heat, setting a brutal pace. She whimpered and writhed underneath him. His fingers curled to hit her g-spot, bringing her close to the edge faster then she'd like to admit. 

"Oh little girl." He ran his fingers through her hair in mocking way, "If you can give it, you should prepare to take it." The hand that was once in her hair, moved to her clit, running small circles around it.

"Are you going to come?" Her nod was tired and short, "Okay," he pulled his fingers out of her, pushing them past her lips and into her mouth, "Do you taste that? Do you like the way I make you feel?" He mocked, laughing bitterly, she whimpered at the lack of contact.

"Now come on, your mother's waiting for us." 

\-----

"How was your weekend?" 

"Hm?" Y/n broke out of her daze, seeing Emily standing in the doorway of break room. 

"I asked how your weekend was." She walked in, taking a seat next to her. 

"Oh good, actually. I took my boyfriend to meet my family." 

"Wow, that's a big step, congrats." Y/n nodded, smiling at the good memories, pushing away the bad, "And you still don't want him to meet us?" 

"It's complicated Em, but I promise, it'll be soon." 

"It better be, the suspense is killing me." 

"Hey guys," Spencer popped his head into the door, "We've got a case." 

Y/n didn't realise that she was gawking at Spencer until Emily nudged her, looking at her in almost a scolding way.

"Stop ogling, let's go." Emily pulled her by her hand, out of the break room. 

She definitely knows...

\-----

"You coming to mine babe?" Spencer whispered, Y/n looking up at him from her book, scanning the jet to see that everyone was either sleeping or preoccupied. 

"Yeah, but I left my apartment a mess, so I'm gonna go clean that up before okay?" It was still pretty early in the afternoon, so it gave her plenty of time to go home, clean her apartment, and pack a new go bag before going back to Spencers. 

Y/n was honestly considering asking if she could move in, she barley ever slept in her own apartment anymore. It was also a regular occurrence for her to sneak into Spencers hotel room on cases. It made for some interesting experiences when Morgan came to wake up Spencer some mornings. 

"Okay, just don't take too long... I don't like being without you." He smile shyly, averting his gaze. 

"My little boy is so sensitive and sweet." She placed a chaste kiss on his lips after quickly checking if anyone was looking. 

" _Please_ stop calling me that." 

She pinched his cheeks, "But it's so cute, and you get this adorable little blush on your cheeks. Makes me think you like it." 

"Well I don't" He spat out quickly, his eyes falling to the ground again. 

"Oh my god, you do." She gasped, "I knew deep down you were a submissive little bitch." 

"Yeah, a submissive little bitch, that'll still spank your ass if you continue disrespecting me." He grabbed a hold of her chin, forcing her to stop laughing. 

"Duly noted sir." She saluted with a grin. 

\-----

Her apartment smelt grossly stale. It had been over a week since she cracked it open. And she was right about it being a mess, it was even worse than she had remembered. It was like someone had torn the place apart, god she was a slob. 

She began picking up her clothes that were scattered around, dropping them in her laundry hamper. She followed the trail of mess around her apartment, cleaning up what she could. God, even her bathroom was a mess, she didn't even remember pulling out some of the stuff she did. Her kitchen was by far the worst though, plates and scattered nicknacks everywhere. Even her nice wine glasses were out of the cabinet. What the fuck was one week ago y/n doing?

Then she spotted them. The dead flowers sitting in the vase, she smiled thinking about the note that came along with it. Shame the beautiful bouquet had shrivelled. 

Crap, she had completely forgotten to thank Spencer for them. Her memory sucked ass, thank god he could make up for it all on his own. 

She made another mental note that she would surely forget, moving on to other things. 

She didn't even realise how many hours had passed as she was in her cleaning storm, dancing around her apartment to music and singing love songs at the top of her lungs. 

_Gross,_ Spencer had really turned her into that bitch. 

She hated to admit it, but cleaning was goddamn therapeutic. Especially afterwards when she could look back on her work and appreciate how pristine everything was. 

After one more glance at her squeaky clean apartment, she picked up her bags and went to make her way out the door. 

Before she left, she checked the cabinet next to her door, looking for a nice bottle of wine to bring to Spencers. 

Great she forgot to clean that too.

Why does she keep her alcohol with other mucilaginous shit? Wine and random key rings don't really look good together. 

Fuck, the other spare key was gone again. 

She made another mental note to call and yell at her mother for stealing it for the second time. 

She finally danced out the door, feeling happier than she had in a long time.

\-----

The mental note to thank him was long gone by the time she got to his apartment. 

His lips were all over her as soon as she stepped foot in the doorway. God she was spoiled, it was hard to fathom just how lucky she was. A year ago, she would never have imagined being where she was today. 

To be with who she was today. 

A year ago, her and Spencer still 'despised' each other. Which honestly looking back, was just aggressive sexual tension. 

But now here they were, in love and unable to get enough of each other. 

"I don't think I could ever get sick of this." Y/n panted out as Spencer laid on top of her on the couch. 

"Me neither." 

Their chests began to rise and fall at the same time, as their body heat melted together and became one. Spencer ran his hands over her bare body. The two of them too sore and unwilling to get up just yet. 

"I swear Emily knows about us, she keeps saying weird shit but she hasn't outright told me that she was on to us so." 

"I wouldn't be surprised, she's very observant." Spencers raspy voice was like music to her ears. She ran her fingers through his soft hair. 

"I like it when you cut your hair this way, it looks sexy." Her mind began to wander the more she stared at him. 

"Thanks, I like it when you wear those jeans." he pointed to the pants sitting all the way on the other side of the room, "It makes your ass look nice." 

She snorted, "Not like you'd know, every time I wear them they're torn off in less then five minutes, wait- what were we talking about?" 

"Your ass, my hair-" 

"No, no before that." She swiped around at the air, trying to make a backwards motion with her hands. 

"That Emily knows about us." 

"That's it!" She cheered, kissing the top of his head, "I love that beautiful brain of yours, always remembering shit." She began to play with his hair again, smiling as his eyes closed softly in response to her soothing movements, "Like I was about to say, we should tell the team, I think it's time." 

"Okay, when?" He propped his head up on his hands, looking at her all doe eyed. 

"How about when we get back to work on Wednesday?" 

"Perfect." He placed a chaste kiss on her lips. 

"Okay up, I gotta go clean up." He groaned as she tried to shift him off of herself. 

"Do you need help?" 

"No it's okay, but you're a sweetheart for asking." She kissed him again before fully sliding out of his embrace. 

"You know what? I actually think I like your ass the best just like this." He called out to her as she was half way to the bathroom. 

"You're so charming." She joked.

She cleaned herself up and was now rummaging through Spencers draw for a pair of sweats. Before she could find both his and her favourite pair (that she would steal all the time), her hand brushed past something that was definitely not fabric. 

She reached around for a bit, before pulling out the item. 

Sitting in her hands was copy of _'The narrative of John Smith'._

She had been through that draw countless times, yet had never come across it before. _Weird._

She flipped open the cover, seeing a handwritten quote on the inside. 

_'Love is our true destiny._  
We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-   
_We find it with another.'_

_\- Thomas merton_

Huh, why did that seem so damn familiar? 

She tried to remember but her brain was fuzzy, must be the after sex endorphins.

"You alright Y/n?" Spencer called out from the living room. 

"Yeah Spence, I'll be out in a second." She pulled on the sweatpants she finally found, and an old Caltech sweatshirt, still scanning the quote in the book. "Hey Spencer who gave this to you?" She asked curiously, waving the book around. 

Spencers face dropped when he saw the book in her hands, "Where did you find that? Were you going through my things?" 

"Well uh yeah, but just to get some sweatpants, I didn't mean to find it. Sorry I didn't realise it was so important." 

"Yeah clearly." He snatched the book from his hands, he can't even remember moving it to that drawer, which was worrying.

"Who gave that to you anyway?" She was less curious now and more concerned. 

"Someone from a long time ago." He turned his back to her, flipping through the book to make sure it was still the same. 

"Do you maybe want to tell me who?"

"Why are you so fucking nosy tonight?" He snapped back, "You didn't know her, so it doesn't matter." 

"Her? Is this about M-" 

"Don't." He put his hand up to stop her, "You wouldn't understand." 

"I wouldn't understand what Spencer?" Her voice was raising more than she would like to admit, "How it feels to love and loose someone? Well guess what, you're not the only one that has lost something they care about." 

"Can you just drop it." 

"No. Because I was just trying to be caring and you went off on me. _For no reason._ " He avoided her stare, his gaze landing back on the book, "So until you tell me why you got so defensive, we are not dropping it." 

He remained silent, his eyes now shifting to look at anything but Y/n. 

"What do you still love her?" She wasn't expecting that to be the correct answer, she was just throwing shit out there in hopes to get him to talk. She was expecting a quick denial, but instead she got silence. Her heart was screaming at her, he didn't need to say it. She knew his answer. 

"Oh." 

Was all she could muster, as he continued to not say one word. 

"Do you love her more than me?" The tears began to prick in her eyes. 

_The answer is no, Spencer._ Was all she could think.

"That's not fair." Finally he spoke, but it still wasn't the answer she wanted. 

Her breath hitch, she was about to say something but realised she had no words left. Instead she picked up her things and went to leave. 

"Where are you going?" His broke as the words left his mouth. 

"Anywhere but here." She whispered, flinging open the door. 

Her downcast eyes met an envelop sitting at his door step. 

She didn't know why this small item reminded her where the quote was from, but it did. 

How had she not put it together sooner? 

_How damn fucking original._ She thought. 

The flowers came with the same note that was written in that stupid fucking book. 

She picked up the envelope in her hands that was addressed to him. She flung it in his direction as he began to tentatively shuffle over. 

"Here. That's for you." Her words were bitter and laced with acid, "Oh and I forgot to thank you for the flowers, I loved the note that came with them too. Really made me feel _special._ " 

"What flowers?" He asked softly, extremely confused by the situation. But by the time the words came out she had already slammed closed the door. 

He wrenched it open, yelling down the hall, "Y/n what flowers?" 

But she was gone. 

He didn't even realise he was still clutching the book. He chucked it across the room in a fit of anger, his eyes finding the envelope that was now sitting at his feet. 

His name was written on the front in neat cursive writing. 

He peeled open the seal, slowly sliding out what seemed to be a photo. 

His breath almost stopped as he saw a picture of him and Y/n that he had never seen before. It was taken from a weird angle and seemed to show them standing in front of his apartment. Spencers face was scratched out aggressively. 

He then realised there was one more thing left in the envelope. 

His hands were slightly shaky as he pulled it out. 

The bold red writing jumping out at him.

_'You don't deserve her.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well...


	18. Unlocked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- Fighting :(

\-----

_His hands were slightly shaky as he pulled it out._

_The bold red writing jumping out at him._

_'You don't deserve her.'_

_\-----_

It felt like the world was spinning and concaving on top of her.

How could one small fight turn into something so incredibly complicated?

She was storming down the street to her car. She clenched and unclenched her fists what felt like a hundred times. She was so fucking angry. She couldn't even express it in words, but her heavy feet on the concrete said enough.

It was so blinding, her vision was skewed. It was like her brain was so focused on thinking, that her other bodily functions shut down. The world around her faded away until-

"Fuck!" She almost got flung backwards as someone checked her shoulder, "What the fuck!? Watch where you're going."

The man before her looked frazzled, he wouldn't even put his head up to face her, "S-sorry." And with one tiny glance he looked up before darting away.

He looked so goddamn fucking familiar, it was like deja vu but in a weird twisted way.

"Hey!" She called to him, another quick glance over his shoulder made her recognise him even more, but she was still unable to pin point where he was from, "Do I know you?"

She felt like an idiot honestly. Screaming at random strangers on the street. Her emotions were heightened that was for sure. She felt like she was going crazy. She didn't know this man, she was just so insanely angry and emotional that her brain was playing tricks on her.

When she reached her car she didn't know what to do. She needed to calm down. She couldn't drive like this, she wasn't in the right mindset.

Spencer always told her that emotions were blinding and she was more likely to make rash decisions when-

_Fuck!_

She couldn't go one fucking second without thinking about him. She was thinking about his stupid face and his stupid voice and his stupid beautiful brain.

And she was thinking about how much she fucking loved him and how much she didn't want to at the moment.

"God fucking damn it."

And that's when the water works started. She slammed her fists against the steering wheel trying to distract herself from the monsoon that was pouring out of her eye's right now. She wasn't a crier, that wasn't who she was, she hadn't cried properly for what felt like three years. No wonder that now the slightest argument set her off. The mixture of love and anger sent her whole body into shock, wracking her chest with sobs as she choked on her tears.

She didn't realise how much time had passed, probably almost half an hour. The tears were wasting away and she sat numb, in her car, _all alone_.

Silently, she turned on her engine. The sound felt so sweet after only hearing her cries for god knows how long.

She let the radio play softly. Before she took the vehicle out of park, she checked her phone, secretly hoping to see something from him.

_Empty._

Not one message, not one call, nothing.

Not like she would have answered anyone right now, let alone something from Spencer.

But it would have showed he cared.

And right now it seemed like he didn't...

Aggressively, she shifted the gears, slamming her foot on the accelerator as she pulled out onto the road.

Now she had one day to stew in loneliness and self pity and anger and hatred and sadness. Then she had to collect all the pieces, harden the fuck up and walk into work on Wednesday like she didn't give a shit about him.

It would be hard, but _mama didn't raise no bitch._

_\-----_

She was prepared, yet extremely unprepared for the onslaught of angry conversations she would have that day at work.

She admits, ignoring absolutely everyone for a full day wasn't the best idea, but she didn't realise how pissed everyone would be.

Does she really spend that much time on her phone that everyone would think she was dead if they saw no activity for an hour?

But it hadn't been an hour, it have been more like thirty six. So as soon as she stepped foot into the bullpen, Emily was on her ass...

And so was Penelope...

And so was JJ...

It was like they had all rallied together to give an intervention that was really not needed.

"Woah, where are we going?" Y/n felt as JJ pulled her wrist down the hall, following after Emily. They didn't answer, only flinging her into the bat cave and shutting the door behind them.

"Why didn't you answer any of our texts or calls yesterday?" Emily crossed her arms over her chest, and man did she look pissed.

"I was just having a technology cleanse." Y/n whined in defence.

"I'm sorry what did you just say?" Penelope chimed in, "Weren't you the one who told me last week that those things were stupid and just a way for people to get attention?"

"Well," she really needed to stop expressing her opinion on every single topic under the sun, "I changed my mind."

"Y/n, you are incapable of changing your mind, you are way too stubborn for that shit." JJ's mothering voice was turned on to the max. That stupid voice screamed 'I'm not angry, just disappointed.'

"You didn't even answer Hotch, you always answer him." Garcia sounded sad. Had she really done all this because she didn't go on her phone for a day? "We're not here to lecture you, we just want to know what's wrong."

And there it was. The phrase she had been expecting, and the question she didn't want to answer.

_'Are you okay?'_

The short answer was no.

The long answer was no and so many other fucked up things that she was feeling currently.

"There is nothing wrong." She tried. She really did try to believe what she was saying in an attempt to trick the others into thinking she was in fact okay.

"Try again." Emily said sternly.

It was really like they were playing good cop, bad cop, mother cop.

"I just had a bad Monday night, and I didn't feel like dealing with anything yesterday. It was the perfect self care day." She shrugged, casting her eyes down to the floor.

"Okay, if you really don't want to talk about it we won't press. Just know we're here." JJ looked so extremely concerned. She felt bad for not telling her, but she honestly couldn't be bothered crying, which she knew would happen if she began to talk about it. 

So instead she took a bow, and made her exit, "Thank you." 

But unlike what she thought, she hadn't escaped. She made it half way down the hall before a hand on her shoulder held her back and pulled her into a storage closet. 

"Not so fast young lady, unlike Penelope and JJ, I'm not letting you off that easy. _Spill._ " Emily had trapped her in, standing in front of the door so there was no way out.

Y/n let out a long drawn out sigh, hoping to god Emily might just get bored and leave, but alas she didn't. 

"Do I have to?" 

"Yes." 

"Ugh, we had a fight." 

No more words were needed, Emily took y/n into her arms. If Y/n thought she was going cry before, she was definitely going to cry now. 

"How bad was it?" Y/n buried her face in Emily's hair. 

"It was small at first, but now it's bad. I think he's going to break up with me, if he ever talks to me again." She hated how pathetic she sounded, but her emotions were too strong to keep in. 

"Have you at least texted since it happened?" 

"No." Her voice felt so weak and hushed. 

"Well maybe start off by sending him a message, it never hurts reaching out." 

"Y-you're right, thanks Em." 

She kissed the top of Y/n's head, tucking some stray hairs behind her ear. 

"Don't let this tear you two apart, it'll be okay."

"I hope-" 

The door pulled open, light flooded in.

"S-sorry, I didn't realis-" 

"It's fine." Y/n walked past him, checking his shoulder on the way out. 

Of course it was Spencer, of course he would be the one to walk in whilst she was sobbing to Emily. Was her aggressive action towards him a little bit obvious, and definitely show Emily that she was right about her suspicions? Probably. 

But right now she didn't care.

\-----

"Still nothing?"

"I'm beginning to think he's just trying to pretend I don't exist." Y/n shrugged, taking a long sip of her coffee. 

It had been a week since the fight. Things hadn't gotten worse, but they sure as hell hadn't gotten better. They weren't speaking at work, and Spencer was ignoring her texts. On second thought, maybe it had gotten worse. 

Her glares towards him were more prominent, so were her snide remarks. But she was so over it. 

She was truely happy to work things out, it was a dumb argument, but he didn't make it better by ignoring her. She felt hurt. For someone who was usually one for an open dialogue in their relationship, he was being weirdly quiet. 

She had just assumed at this point they weren't a couple anymore. She didn't need him to break up with her to get the hint that he was no longer okay with their relationship. The silence was good enough. 

She could see him across the room next to Morgans desk. He was laughing and she wanted to punch the smug smile off of his face. Her glare was a bit much, even Emily noticed. 

"Im sure he'll- you alright?" 

"Yeah I'm fine, just need another coffee." 

She didn't need more coffee, her cup wasn't even half empty, but she couldn't stay in the same room as him. She couldn't stand hearing his voice, hearing his laugh... hearing him being happy. It was so unfair. She was miserable and he seemed to get on with his life almost without a hitch. 

The break room was empty and calming. She needed it, she needed the quiet. Although her thoughts got annoying sometimes, it beat hearing Spencer at the moment. 

She was now plotting a way to get Morgan to trade desks with her, without it being suspicious. The padding of feet entered the room, she didn't even bother looking up, what was going on in her head was more important. 

"You should probably stop glaring at me. You're making it obvious that something is wrong." 

So he does speak. 

"Welcome back Spencer, nice to finally hear from you again." She didn't stop what she was doing, she had to show him he wasn't worth her time. 

"Don't be like that." 

"Don't be like what? An asshole? _I learn from the best._ " 

"We need to keep this professional, we can't let what happened between us mess up the team dynamic-" 

"-Is that what you care about right now? _'The team dynamic?'_ How about you try and fucking care about me?" 

Like usual when she was upset, he had nothing to say. 

"I _tried_ to be the bigger person, I really did. I tried to reach out to you, but you _fucking ignored me_. You didn't answer _one_ of my calls or texts, and at work, you constantly avoid me. So _don't you dare_ lecture me about being professional and fucking up the team dynamic, because _I_ am not the one who is acting like a child."

"I do care about you-" 

"Oh yeah? Well you do a bad job when it comes to showing it." 

It hurt how much silence was around them. It was like he couldn't speak, afraid that what he would say would end up twisted by his vocal cords and push her even further away. But she just wanted him to say something, anything, to try and fix this. 

"Spencer, I love you. But right now, you're making it _very_ hard for me to want to stick around. So if you want me too, and you don't want this to end... you are going to have to say it." 

"Y/n-" she held her breath, she just wanted this to be over, she wanted to throw herself into his arms and melt away into them. But the sentence stopped there, and her heart shrivelled in her chest. 

She sighed, "Suck my dick and choke on it Spencer Reid. I am _done_ with your bullshit." 

She turned on her heels, bypassing her desk and going straight to Hotch's door. 

_*Knock, knock, knock*_

"Come in." 

"Hey Hotch- uh I was wondering if I could go home early today, I just feel really sick." She held her head as the room began to spin, "I can't be here anymore. I'll take my paperwork with me and do it at home, I just can't be here." 

Hotch furrowed his brows, "Uhm okay, do you need a ride home? Maybe Spencer or-" 

" _No._ I can get home myself, I just need to leave." 

"Well I hope you feel better, go get some rest."

"Will do boss." 

She collected her things quietly, feeling Spencers eye's burning into the back of her head. It felt like a cowardly move, leaving early, but seeing him was getting too much to bare. Emily told her she would call her later and with that she was off, driving herself back to her apartment. She knew tomorrow she would have to face him all over again, but having the rest of today off would give her some time to breathe.

When she pulled up to her building she noticed the shirt laying on the floor under the passenger seat. It was Spencers Caltech sweatshirt. She had been wearing it to work every morning, sort of like a good luck charm. Maybe if she wore it he would subconsciously know she wanted to be close to him. 

Turns out the good luck charm didn't work. 

She picked up the shirt, sliding it over her own. It still smelt like him, even though she had almost worn it for a week straight. She knew his scent wouldn't last, but it was comforting while it did. 

The elevator ride up felt like an eternity and by the time she got to her front door she was exhausted. She pushed it open and-

 _Fuck..._ her door was unlocked.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Her apartment was a mess, everything was flung around the room like who ever had done this was deliberately just trying to break shit. At least whoever had done this seemed long gone. She unholstered her gun anyway, clearing the rooms in her house until she got to her bedroom, which was by far the worst. The walls were scratched and there were photos stuck up all over. 

They were all of her. 

As she made it to the end of her bed, she saw an envelope. 

In neat cursive writing there were two words written: 

_'Good choice.'_

She furrowed her brow, holstering her gun again. 

In hindsight, this was a dumb decision, but the compulsion to pick up the envelope was too big to ignore. 

She broke its seal, pulling out a photo of her and Spencer. But Spencer seemed to be scratched out, with red ink scribbled all over his face. 

_This was not good._

She slid her phone out of her pocket, scrolling through her contacts. No matter what was happening right now, she had to tell someone at the BAU about this. 

However the sharp pain in the back of her head had different plans. 

\-----

"I'm going to head out." Spencer waved goodbye to his remaining colleagues in the bullpen, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

_"Spencer, wait."_

Emily met his eyes as he turned around. 

"Can we talk for a minute?" 

Spencers mouth suddenly went dry, as Emily crossed her arms across her chest and lowered her voice. 

"Uh yeah, what do you want to talk about?" 

"Y/n told me the two of you were having relationship problems." 

_Well shit._

"Wait, she told you we broke up?" 

"Um no, you broke up? When?" 

"This afternoon, just before she left." Emily nodded in understanding, "I didn't even know she told you we were dating." 

"She didn't tell me who, but uh you just confirmed it now so."

"Oh." Good job Spencer, always saying the right things. 

"I had a hunch anyway." 

"We were actually going to tell the team about us last Wednesday, but then we had a fight, so I guess that isn't happening anymore." 

"You really upset her Spencer, why didn't you answer any of her calls or texts?" 

He wanted to, he really, really did, but the letter he got was terrifying. He thought it would only do her more harm than good. So he shut her out. 

"I know I'm an asshole." 

"Yeah, you are." A little harsh, but Spencer could take it, "Do you want her back?" 

"More than anything." He said defeated, "But I can't" 

"Why not?" 

He wasn't going to tell her it was because of a creepy ass letter he got, so instead he settled for the next best thing. 

"Because I've already fucked everything up too badly." 

"I promise you, you just need to talk to her and tell her how you truely feel, not whatever bullshit you said in the break room." 

"You heard that?" 

"Yeah, another reason I had a _'hunch'_." The two laughed sadly, Spencer peering down at his feet. 

"Okay, I'll talk to her when I get home." 

"Good, don't be an idiot. You're a genius, so start acting like one." 

The conversation with Emily put a weird amount of pep in his step as he walked to his car. He put on y/n's favourite playlist and drove home happier then he had been in a whole week. He decided to take the stairs up, pumping him with even more adrenaline as pushed open his door and- 

It was unlocked. 

_Shit_ , he specifically remembers locking it. 

His apartment looked like a tornado had ripped through it. His stuff was broken and smashed over the floor. The walls were scratched with gibberish and there were cut up photos stuck to them, all of y/n and him. He unholstered his gun, clearing every single room in his house. Checking his closet and under his bed, even his cabinets that couldn't fit a child in them let alone an adult. But when he was sure it was empty, he made sure the windows and doors were locked, before hosteling his gun and returning to his bedroom. 

Sitting on his bed was the 'Narrative of John Smith'. Nervously he flipped it open, another letter addressed to him falling out of it. The book was normal, except for the fact it was missing a page, the page with the quote on it. 

He swallowed hard as he unsealed the envelope, pulling out the note inside. 

_'If you won't look after her... I will'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i've been on a real writing kick, the past two days i have written nearly four full chapters for this, so that's cool 
> 
> also i get absolutely slaughtered by my friends for my cm and mgg obsession, but last week I showed my friend the season 11 ep 'entropy' and today found out she has watched it another three times soooo 
> 
> now in ancient history class we watched 'somebody's watchin' and she loved it. i think i have converted her to the dark side lol
> 
> also sometimes i read my shit back and it really pisses me off because my name is very similar to emily so it sounds weird when i have to ready y/n and emily close together (because yes of course i read it with my name inserted even tho its my shit, is that weird?)
> 
> one more thing, if anyone here has also read my other fic 'use your words' and thought that was a rollercoaster, just you fucking wait...
> 
> -A


	19. What Ifs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- kidnapping :((((

\-----

_He swallowed hard as he unsealed the envelope, pulling out the note inside._

_'If you won't look after her... I will'_

_\-----_

_"No, no, no, no, no._ God no, this can't be happening" 

His hand was shaking as he waited for her to answer his call. He had already called three times, but still no answer. 

"Please pick up y/n" 

_'Hey, you've reached y/n, unfortunately I'm not available at the moment-'_

"Goddamn it!" He slammed his phone down on the bench, pacing around his apartment for a moment, before picking up his things and racing out the door. 

The cars around him were going so fucking slow, all he wanted to do was slam on the accelerator and get to his girlfriends apartment as quickly as possible. Shit, he can't even say girlfriend anymore. Everything felt like a fucking nightmare.

"Y/n!?" He bashed his fist on the door. "Y/n please open the door!" 

There was no answer, and he no longer had her spare key. 

Might as well try...

He turned the handle, and just like his apartment, _it was unlocked_. 

Fuck!

_Please be in there. Please be in there. Please be in there._

Her apartment looked just like his, a wreck. But there was no one there, absolutely empty. She had went home five hours earlier than he did, so god knows how long she had been missing. picking up and calling again. He walked into her room, hating the site of seeing the place such a mess. He called again, hoping, praying, that this was all a bad dream. But then he heard her ring tone, crouching down he saw her phone that had slightly slid under the bed. He felt tears prick in his eyes as he picked it up, staring at the lock screen that was still a photo of the two of them. 

If it wasn't for that stupid fight. If he had just sucked it up and talked to her. This wouldn't have happened. Everything he was trying to avoid had come to fruition. 

_And it was all his fault._

He tapped his foot against the floor feverishly as the dial tone played over and over again.

_"Reid?"_

"Hotch, are you still in the office?" 

_"Yes, is everything alright?"_

"No." He choked on his words as they came out in sobs, "Y/n's gone, someone's taken her."

\-----

"Reid, you're going to have to calm down."

Spencer was pacing around the bullpen, waiting for the other members of the team to arrive.

"I can't calm down" He pushed his hands through his hair muttering to himself, "Oh god this is all my fault"

"Reid what the fuck happened, where's y/n?" Emily burst through the door, Morgan, JJ and Penelope close behind her.

"I don't know, someone took her." It felt surreal for him to say, it was like it hadn't even set in yet. This was happening again. History was repeating itself in the cruelest way. He couldn't lose another love, not like this. 

"Everyone into the round table room now. I know this is a highly emotional situation, but we all just need to regroup and work this out." Hotch commanded the attention of the room, everyone turned to him focused. Everyone but Spencer, who couldn't stop running calculations through his mind of the probability of her survival. 

They all sat in almost silence for a moment as Penelope pulled up y/n's file. It was unsettling, the teams nerves all merged together into an amalgamation of panic. They had gone through case files so many times, but when it hit so close to home, none of them could really think straight.

"Spencer, take me through what happened."

He almost missed the question entirely, lost in thought as he tapped his fingers on the table. Hotch was staring back at him, a mix of pity and fear flashed in his eyes.

"Oh uh- I went home just after seven, and I opened the door to my apartment, but it was unlocked. I knew something was wrong, as when I opened the door, my apartment was a mess. Things were smashed and broken everywhere and uh, the walls were scratched and there were photos— of me and y/n."

He paused, watching as the faces contorted around the room, trying to work out why photos of y/n would be in _his_ apartment.

"And then I found this." He placed the letter he received on the table, his hands clammy and trembling.

 _"If you won't look after her I will."_ Hotch announced, the faces dropped around the room, Spencer felt his stomach drop with them.

"Why would you get that Reid?" Morgan furrowed his brow. Spencer could see Emily in the corner of his eye, her face looking down as Spencer fiddled.

"Because we uhm- because me and y/n w-were dating."

Silence filled the room in a suffocating manner.

"Were?" JJ's face softened, it was comforting yet eerie. She looked like she wanted to hug him, hold him through his heartbreak. But there was too much hurt for one person to deal with at the moment.

"Yeah we broke up this morning." Tears pricked in his eyes, he could feel them trying to escape and rush down his cheeks, but he wouldn't let them, "This is all my fault."

"Spence, you can't blame yourself." JJ placed her hand over his as a sob wracked his chest. He couldn't look up, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't compel himself to look at the faces around the room, which were undoubtably splashed with the same worry and sadness he carried.

"But it is, I let her walk away from me, if I just wasn't so fucking scared about that note-"

"What note?" Hotch clasped his hands together on the table, leaning forward towards Spencer who finally had the courage to look up.

"I got a note last week, it was a photo of y/n and me, and a letter that said I didn't deserve her." He felt ashamed that he didn't tell anyone, maybe if he had, none of this would have happened.

"Do you have it?"

"Uh yeah." He slipped it on the table, his scratched out face still making his stomach turn. Emily looked at the picture quizzically, hiding the pain she was feeling well. But Spencer knew it was there, because he carried the same burden. 

"Why didn't you tell anyone about this?" Hotch had picked up the photo now. Spencer didn't know how he could remain so calm, everyone else seemed to be freaking out.

"Because I was scared, I don't know. Nobody knew we were dating and we had a fight that night, fuck I'm an idiot-" He pushed the palm of his hand into his eye, JJ gently removing it and holding it close to her.

"Well there's nothing we can do about that now." Hotch got up, both hands firmly planted on the table, "Prentiss you're with me at y/n's apartment. Morgan, Rossi go to Spencers apartment. JJ, stay here with Garcia. And Reid, go in my office and try to get some sleep-"

"Sir I can't just sit around-"

"It wasn't a question, it was an order."

The team filed out of the room, leaving Spencer sitting stunned, feeling useless. He needed to do something, he needed to get out. He slung his satchel over his shoulder and almost ran out of the BAU. There was no way he was sitting still.

\-----

"Good morning, did you sleep well?" A vaguely familiar voice came from behind y/n. Her head was splitting, she tried to move her hands but they were bound. Everything was so confusing, she didn't know where she was or how she got there.

She grumbled in returned, screwing her eyes closed again, in an attempt to block out the light that was making her headache worse.

"Not a talker, that's fine. I don't need you to talk, you just need to sit there and look pretty" He cooed, sliding his hands over her shoulders and down her arms. She didn't have enough strength to look up at him, her head slung down.

"What do you want from me?" She stuttered, she felt her lip quivering, still finding it hard to remember just what happened that landed her in this situation.

"Oh nothing from you darling, this is about your little boyfriend." He finally revealed his face, crouching down in front of her and cupping her cheek, "Well we can't actually call him that anymore, can we?" He chuckled, "He has treated you so badly. What you need is a real man. A man that will love you and only you."

"W-what are you talking about? I don't understand." No wonder the voice was familiar, she had seen him before, at the hotel in Vegas almost a month back. She knew he was fucking creeping. _Shit, had he been stalking her?_ Wait, he also bumped into her the night she ran out of Spencers apartment, this was bad, this was really bad-

"Don't worry that pretty little head of yours." He was touching her so lightly, like he was trying to soothe her. "That reminds me, I need to pay Spencer a little visit." He moved away from her, his footsteps trailing out of the room from behind.

"No, please don't hurt him" She screamed out, her voice cracking, as sobs threatened to break out of her chest.

"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt him, not yet at least. Now get some sleep beautiful, you're going to need it."

Hot tears burned down her face as she heard a large metal door close. She closed her eyes, going back to what she could last remember and attempting to retrace her steps. She remembers work, and fighting with Spencer again and breaking up...

Then she went home and-

Her apartment was a mess. The photos, the scratches, the letter. All the events clipped together like collage that she was desperately trying to make sense of. _The letter_ , all because she let her guard down and picked up that fucking envelope.

And now Spencer was in danger and it was all her fault.

\-----

Spencer dropped down in a seat within the 24 hour coffee shop. Y/n and him always went there before work to get coffee or for their midnight donut runs. They sat in the same place every time because y/n liked the view she got of the street. He could never help laughing at her and how hard she would concentrate on the people outside. She was such a creep, she would always try to profile people from how they walked or dressed. But that was one of the things he loved about her. Whenever Spencer was unhappy she would point to a random person and tell him why he was better in every single way to them, just because they dragged their feet across the pavement when they walked and he didn't.

He thought the cafe would clear his head enough to actually help with the investigation, but it was only clouding it more.

He couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. The feeling that if he hadn't done half the things he did in their relationship, none of this would have happened.

But he could almost hear her in his head, speaking softly, _'Spencer, you can't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in my life. You can't hyper fixate on that one small decision three months ago, that could have possibly caused this chain of events. Bad things happen to good people, but we just need to move on and learn how to make things right.'_

He could feel her hand on his cheek, and the way her lips locked with his. He could so vividly remember the way her hands played with his hair when he was stressed.

But that's all they were, memories. No matter how good his memory was, they were pale in comparison to the real thing. And those good memories weren't going to change the fact he fucked up and now she was god knows where and probably in unspeakable pain. She could be dead for all he knows. 

He couldn't be there anymore, it was suffocating. As much as he didn't want to be at the office, he needed to focus on something else. So he picked up his things and left.

\-----

Spencer could see the team in the roundtable room, all looking towards the screen. He could vaguely see the image of what seemed to be y/n getting thrown almost lifeless, into a dark van. Just as the van pulled away the video paused, the team turning to look at Spencer who had just entered the room. 

"Reid you shouldn't be here-" Hotch rose from his chair quickly, stopping Spencer from entering the room with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"-Are there two unsubs?" Spencer asked, trying to wriggle out of Hotch's grasp. 

"You're too close to this case, leave." 

"I'm saying this in the most respectful way sir, but I'm not leaving" He stared at Hotch straight in the eyes, his already brimming with tears. "I can't go and try to sleep, while the love of my life is out there somewhere, probably getting tortured by two fucking lunatics because of me." His breath hitched as he tried to compose himself, "I don't know how I would live with myself if something happened and I didn't at least try to help." 

Hotch sighed before releasing his grip, "Yes, there seems to be two unsubs." 

Spencer took at seat next to JJ and Emily who both instinctively reached out a hand to him. It somewhat soothed him, but their touch was nothing in comparison to Y/n's. 

"We don't have much, the security footage from the back of her apartment building is basically it," Penelope began, an intense melancholy tone littered her voice, "I tried to track where the vehicle was going through other security cameras but after fifteen minutes they took a turn and just- _vanished_. I'm so sorry Spencer." 

"It's okay, I know you're doing your best." He smiled, sad and defeated, but he couldn't dwell on the what ifs anymore, he needed to help. He reached into his bag for the case file Hotch kindly gave him, pulling it out and placing it on the table. He went for a pen in his front compartment but was instead met with an envelope. The bile in his stomach threatened to jump up his throat when he pulled out the envelope brandished with his name. 

"What's that?" Emily looked over to him, watching as his face became drained of all colour and life. 

"I-I don't, I don't remember-" He shook his head trying think of how this possibly got in his bag, realising just how weirdly busy the coffee shop was, and how easy it would have been to slip the letter in without him noticing. If only he hadn't been so distracted-

Again, he can't dwell on the what ifs. He had to work with what he had. 

Spencer could barley unseal the envelope because his hands were shaking so much. He pulled out a small piece of paper with numbers on it. 

"Is that?-" JJ begun, before Spencer cut her off. 

_"A phone number."_

\-----

Y/n didn't even bother trying to keep track of how long she had been kidnapped for, but she knew it had to be somewhere close to ten hours, but she couldn't know for sure. Her limbs felt numb, the only sensation in her body was the throbbing in he head and the burning on her wrists and ankles. She took slow calculated breaths in a hope to calm her still racing heartbeat. She probably had a concussion, meaning she shouldn't sleep. 

She rested her head on her shoulder, basking in soft scent of Spencer that still clung to his shirt. She just wanted him to hold her. She wanted to feel the way his arms wrapped around her waist and how he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She didn't care about the fight anymore, she didn't care that they had barley spoken for a full week. All she cared about was living long enough to tell him she loved him, one more time. 

_"This wasn't part of the plan, Aiden."_

_"I don't care, you don't get a say anymore."_

_"You're insane, do you really think after you kidnapped her, she would choose you over Spencer?"_

She had to be going crazy, she felt so tired that her brain was making up voices. They were so faint, yet she could still make out the words. 

_"I'm insane? I'm not the one obsessed with-"_ A soft ringtone cut off the voices bouncing faintly into the room, _"I'm not having this conversation anymore."_

Angry footsteps trailed away from the door behind her and a second set came closer. The door pushed open with a screech, as the man she now knew as Aiden, crouched in front of her again. The ringtone had stopped playing and her head could rest again, away from the piercing sound of it. 

"I've got a little surprise for you." He pushed the hair out of her face, "You're not going to like what happens next, but just know it's for your own good." His eyes looked to the ground for a moment, although she was barley keeping herself awake, she could still see the gears going in his head. He tentatively reached up, cupping her cheek, she furrowed her brow as he got closer to her. He placed a soft kiss on her lips, she pulled away quickly, wanting to wash her mouth out with bleach. 

"Don't be scared." He whispered, seemingly unfazed by her outright rejection, "It'll hurt him, more than it hurts you." Aiden looked down at his phone, pressing the call button.

\-----

"They didn't pick up." Spencer cursed himself in his head. This was their only lead, and if they couldn't get anything from it, they basically had nothing. 

"Reid they wouldn't give you the number for no reason-" Morgan attempted to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. 

"Yeah there was a reason, to fucking torture me." Spencer slung his head back, pushing a hand through his hair. 

JJ came and sat beside him, taking his hand, "Spence we'll find her-" 

The phone rang on the table, the team looked at each other for a moment before Spencer snatched up the phone and picked up, putting it on speaker. 

"Hello?" His heart was racing as he heard the line crackle ever so slightly. 

_"Spencer?"_ A soft voice came from the other end of the line. 

"Y/n is that you?" Hotch gave him a nod to keep going, before looking over Penelope's shoulder at her computer. 

_"Yeah, it's me."_

"Oh my god, I can't believe you're alive." It was a like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders and melted away. They had a chance of finding her. 

_"I am, it's so good to hear your voice."_

"Do you know where you are?" He swallowed, it was a bit of a stupid question but he had to try. 

_"N-no, everything is very nondescript, probably some storage container somewhere. I don't know, I'm sorry."_

"Don't apologise. Are they there with you?" 

_"Uh y-yeah, he's here. He's right in front of me, holding the phone."_ She sounded more panicked now.

"He? Only one person is with you?" 

_"Yeah."_

"Has he hurt you?" 

Within no time another voice answered, _"Not yet."_

"I swear to God if you lay a finger on her-" 

_"I'm not the one you should be worried about when it comes to her pain."_ Spencer could now hear y/n's quiet sobs on the end of the line, _"Come on sweetheart, say what you want to say."_

Spencer was seething, his jaw clenched, "If you do anything-" 

_"Spencer I love you-"_

"-Y/n don't-"

 _"-Spencer please. Just listen to me."_ He closed his mouth, feeling tears sting in his eyes as he fought against them.

_"I love you more than words can even express. I know you're going to say this isn't a goodbye, and that you'll save me, but I'm not too sure. So I just need to- to tell you one more time, that you mean the world to me. And I don't care about what happened last week, because that doesn't matter anymore, nothing does. All that matters is that I love you so fucking much, and I don't care if you don't love me half as much as I love you, because as long as you're in my life... I'm okay."_

"Y/n, I do l-" 

_"-Shhh. Please tell the team I love them also, and I really-"_ her sobs were heavier now and so were Spencers, her breath hitched as she tried to continue _"-really fucking hope you find me."_

There was silence for a moment. Hotch gestured with his hands for Spencer to keep talking, but before he could a voice interjected.

_"Remember Spencer... you caused this."_

A high pitched shriek echoed through the phone. Spencer almost threw up right at the moment. It was like it was never ending. He screwed his eyes shut, unable to look at the horror on his colleagues faces. What hurt the most was when she began to call out his name, he just wanted to block his ears, rid them of the sound of pain coming from the girl he loved. 

"I can't listen to this anymore." Spencer whispered to Hotch, throwing himself into Emilys arms, her sobs somewhat drowning out the horror. 

"We need you to stay on the line just a little bit longer, Garcia's almost got a location." The pain on both Penelope and Hotchs face were overwhelming. 

_Everything stopped._

The only thing to be heard was y/n's soft whimpers through the phone. 

_"I'm sorry Spencer..."_

_The line went dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the amount of times i have written envelope is ridiculous 
> 
> and i'm not amazing at writing cases or profiles so all the profiling was done whilst spencer was out btw. 
> 
> lol i feel like all my fics are basically the same shit just a tad different.
> 
> also its so cool seeing your comments trying to work everything out. 
> 
> hope you have a great day sorry for the somewhat cliffhanger 
> 
> i'm actually not sorry but whatever
> 
> -A


	20. Please Spencer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:  
> \- descriptions of blood and gore.
> 
> song lyrics from 'can't take my eyes off you' by frankie valli and the four seasons

\------

_The only thing to be heard was y/n's soft whimpers through the phone._

_"I'm sorry Spencer..."_

_The line went dead._

_\-----_

Sometimes, time doesn't feel right.

Some moments, hours can feel like seconds. One blink and it's there the next blink it's gone. Other moments, seconds can feel like hours. Time pulls out as to where the world falls into slow motion, and your steps don't feel fast enough and the air becomes thick.

At this moment, for Spencer... it was a cruel mix of both.

He was seeing everything in a long drag. Movements at a snails pace, as he pulled himself across the room. But at the same time, y/n was experiencing the complete opposite. Moments moving too fast to keep up with, that it wasn't even a moment at all.

The two states creating a cocktail of brilliant disaster.

Time moving too slow trying to chase after a life fading too fast.

His knees hit the concrete floor, the pain numbed by the absolute panic Spencer was feeling. Y/n's eye's were fluttering open and shut as she tried to stay conscious, blood quickly rushing out of a large stab wound on her stomach. Multiple smaller gashes were only making things worse, as Spencer put pressure on her stomach, waiting for the paramedics to arrive. She cried out as he pressed down harder, her eyes now fixated on him.

"Hey, little boy" She cooed, even after being stabbed she managed to be a pain in his ass. He couldn't help but smile as she looked up at him, love and relief filling her eyes. "You found me."

"I told you not to call me that." He laughed through the sobs ripping through his chest.

"Even when I'm dying I can't catch a break." Her breath was shuddering as he held her closer to him.

"You're not going to die." He pushed down harder, causing y/n to wince.

"Please don't lie to me Spencer." He looked away, giving her the answer she needed.

"You're not going to die."

"I know that- that," She struggled to get the words out, Spencer tried to urge her not to, but like usual she was stubborn, "y-your head is- running all the cal-calculations now. And it's not g-good, is it?"

Her breathing was becoming more strung out, sweat was beading on her brow and she had lost almost all of her colour. She would most likely pass out if the medics didn't arrive soon.

"You've lost a lot of blood, and you're confused. You're a fighter and you're not going to die." Her eye's fluttered open and shut a few more times, "I won't let that happen."

"I'm really tired." Her speech was barley audible as she began to twitch.

"You can't sleep yet, not too much longer, just hold on." His hands began slip and shake as her body relaxed and the blood seemed to rush out faster.

"P-Promise me" she attempted to lift her hand to his face, but it never made it there, "Prom-ise y-you won't blame- yourself." She closed her eyes for a little, before slowly dragging them open again.

"I can't promise that."

 _"Please."_ Her lips almost made a smile before her eyes closed and her body went limp.

Spencer saw the paramedics rush into the room, scooping her out of his arms. He stumbled back, falling into Hotch's arms as he stared at the blood on his hands. Hotch held him until they heard a commotion coming from behind them. Their heads flicked up to see Morgan escorting the unsub out in cuffs, Emily trailing close behind.

Spencers eye's widened as the memories clicked into place, "You" his hand raised ever so slightly as he pointed. He knew there was reason he felt so horrible when he went to visit his mom in Vegas.

_"You ready to go babe?" The expression on her face looked relieved as all hell when he inserted himself into the conversation. The man standing across from her looked less than impressed, his anger extremely visible on his face._

Aiden gave a smirk as they walked by, the pit of nerves in Spencers stomach turning to rage. Spencer broke out of Hotch's arms momentarily before being pulled back. He thrashed around as he tried to run after Morgan. 

"Let me go." He muttered, his whole body shaking in anger, "Fucking let me go Hotch."

"I won't let you do that." Spencer still continued to fight him, "Hey! Look at me Reid." Spencer didn't listen, his gaze still fixed on Aiden, "Spencer, look at me!" He finally broke his stare, his eye's going to rest on Hotch. "It isn't worth it."

"She's dying, because of him." In Spencers fit of frustration, he didn't even realise y/n had been moved to a stretcher and was getting rushed to the ambulance.

"Killing him will fix nothing. Now hurry before they leave." Hotch turned him to see y/n's almost lifeless body quickly getting wheeled away, "Y/n is the one who needs you, we can deal with that asshole later."

Without wasting another second, Spencer ran after them, hopping in the back of the ambulance.

\-----

"So who is this dickhead?" Morgan stood staring at the security footage of Aiden in the interrogation room. Penelope and him were both at the BAU getting more information on the unsub they brought in.

"His name is Aiden Meister" Penelope began before she gasped, "And he works for the FBI, he's the tech analyst for the Crimes Against Children's Unit."

"No way that sleaze-bag works here." Morgan leaned over her shoulder, watching as she brought up his information.

"Yeah and he's insanely smart. Like Reid smart, he's got an IQ of 176. Wait he went to school with Reid."

Morgans brows knitted together as he looked at the file on her screen, "What? In Vegas?"

"Yeah, and he also went to Caltech, and oh-"

"What?" 

"He completed the same doctorates as Spencer, just a couple of years a part. It's like his life is paralleling Reids." The pair looked at each other before Morgan pulled out his phone.

"I'll call Hotch."

"I'll send him the file."

\-----

_The soft hum of the recorded player shook y/n awake gently. Before she even opened her eyes she knew who was holding her. He was swaying lightly, humming into her ear. She giggled, he was so off pitch, as per usual. Her eyes fluttered open, looking up to see Spencers soft grin. His hair slightly flopping over his forehead, just the way she liked it._

_'You're just too good to be true_   
_Can't take my eyes off of you'_

_She pushed her hands through his hair as he began to speak, "You're home."_

_"Yeah I am." She furrowed her brow, "Did I fall asleep standing up?"_

_Spencer chuckled lightly, "I guess you did." A little confused, she rested her head back on his chest._

_'You'd be like Heaven to touch_   
_I wanna hold you so much'_

_He ran the back of his hand down her cheek and across her jawline. It was like he was trying to memorise every part of her._

_"You know I waited a long time for you." He whispered, still rocking her in his arms._

_"It was only a week Spencer" She giggled, taking in his scent._

_"I don't mean that." She looked up at him, her brows knitting together, "I've waited my whole life for you, and now you're leaving."_

_"But I'm not-" He pulled her closer if that was possible, pressing his lips to hers._

_'At long last, love has arrived_   
_And I thank God I'm alive'_

_"What's happening?" Her head was spinning in her skull, everything became hazy all of a sudden._

_"We're dancing. You love dancing." Before she could say another word he blinded her with another kiss._

_'You're just too good to be true_   
_Can't take my eyes off of you'_

_He stared down at her for a moment. It was her Spencer, at least she thought it was. He seemed so vacant, so distant. It felt like she was holding him but it wasn't right, it was like she was recalling a memory, instead of creating one._

_'I love you, baby_   
_And if it's quite alright'_

_She had no time to question it as she was swung out of his arms. She giggled as he twisted her back into his chest. He left kind kisses all over his face as he began to sing to her._

_"I need you, baby_   
_To warm the lonely night"_

_"Stop, you sound horrible." She laughed at his pout, their bodies still swaying to the music bouncing around the room._

_'I love you, baby_   
_Trust in me when I say'_

_"Okay, then if I'm so bad, why don't you sing?" She blushed for a moment, before spinning him around._

_"Oh, pretty baby_   
_Don't bring me down, I pray_   
_Oh, pretty baby_   
_Now that I've found you, stay"_

_She found her way back to him, resting her head on his chest again. The sound now softly leaving her mouth, the words meaning more than she could express._

_"And let me love you, baby_   
_Let me love you"_

_Their breathing synchronised and she could hear his heart beating in his chest. It was slow and steady and strong. He cupped her cheek, moving her to look at him._

_He whispered, "I miss you."_

_"But I'm right here" Her jaw slacked slightly as she scrunched her brows together._

_"I wish you were."_

_The air in her lungs felt heavy as she pressed her eyes shut, shaking her head to try and shake out of what felt like a dream. When she opened them, Spencer was gone. She frantically turned around in her apartment in search of him._

_"Spencer?" She called out, but to no avail._

_She felt defeated as she sat down on the floor, pulling her knees to her chest. She rocked herself, looking down at his Caltech sweatshirt. She closed her eye's again and buried her face in her hands._

_She whispered to herself, "I miss you too."_

\-----

Her eyes flicked open as she jolted awake. Spencer sat up staring at her, as if she wasn't real, and she wasn't actually awake. She caught a glimpse of what she was wearing, weirdly expecting to still be wearing his sweatshirt.

"Shit I just remembered, I completely wrecked your shirt." She pouted watching as Spencer suddenly furrowed his brow.

"That's the first thing you're worried about?"

"But it's one of your favourites."

"I don't give a fuck about my shirt, Y/n" He grabbed her face, locking his lips in hers. Electricity coursed through her veins, the life finally returning to her face. His touch no longer felt like a distant memory, it was right there and it was consuming every part of her. He slipped his tongue into her mouth, she happily opened, deepening their kiss. She winced as she tried to move closer him, but not caring about the pain.

"Hey Reid I got some- Oh shit sorry, I didn't-" Y/n's attention was brought to Emily awkwardly standing at the door. The look on her face screamed, _'I just watched my two best friends eat each others faces off'._

"Emily." Was all she could say before Emily snapped out of her uncomfortable daze.

"God don't do that again" Emily pointed at her, "Or I'll beat your ass" Y/n fell into a fit of laughter, it felt good to laugh. Well not physically, it was causing her quite a bit of pain, but she was just glad to be back with the people she loved. "Shoot, Hotch told me to notify him if you woke up, he's outside do you want me to send him in?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Y/n rested her head back, a smile creeping onto her face as she stared at her boyfriend. She was honestly just assuming they got back together, but she thought it was a safe bet that they did.

"How are you feeling?" Hotch's low voice echoed through the room.

"Dad!"

"Y/n you need to stop calling me that, you have a father and it's not me." He crossed his arms leaning against the doorframe. She could tell he was trying to hide his smile.

"I know that, but still- wait did you call my actually parents?"

"Not me personally, but Reid did in fact call them to tell them you were in the hospital."

"You didn't tell them I was kidnapped did you?" She turned to Spencer, taking his hand.

"No I didn't." Spencer replied with a smirk.

"Good, I don't want to be putting my actual dad through more stress." Spencer nodded sympathetically, as Hotch took a seat on the other side of her bed.

"Y/n we have some things to discuss-"

Y/n attempted to whisper, "-Did you tell them we were dating?" Spencer just furrowed his brow and shook his head in amusement and disbelief.

"Yes he did-"

"-Without me?" She whined, her jaw slacking.

"With all due respect y/n, that information was needed for the investigation, and you weren't exactly in the position to be there with him when he told us." Now the smile Hotch didn't want to show was extremely visible on his face.

"And you call me the idiot." Spencer chuckled before y/n socked him in the arm.

"That was mean. I got stabbed, you're not allowed to be mean to me"

"Oh yeah?" He leaned down towards her.

"Yeah," he placed a tender kiss on her lips.

Hotch cleared his throat, "We will discuss your relationship a little later on, but for now I just wanted to ask you a few questions, if you're up for it."

"Yeah go ahead." She sat up a little straighter, her heart beginning to beat a little faster. Spencer placed his hand over hers, his eye's fixated on the heart rate monitor. Y/n internally cursed the machine for giving away her stress.

"We have reason to believe that there were two unsubs, however the one we have in custody is denying all possibilities of your abduction being a team effort. Was there anyone else that you know of?" Hotchs words stirred up memories, they were hazy but they were there.

"Yes, I can vaguely remember hearing him arguing with someone." Her heart rate went up again, Spencers hand clamping down on her hand harder.

"What were they saying?"

"Something about changing the plan and uh- him winning me over, I'm not really sure." She stewed in her thoughts for a little while longer, trying to remember all she could.

"Winning you over?" Spencer asked, moving closer towards her.

"Yeah" She looked up to see the two men giving each other knowing looks, "What aren't you telling me?"

Spencer cleared his throat as Hotch began to speak, "It seems like he was trying to replicate Reid's life out of jealousy, it started off with just stalking him, but when you and Reid started dating he formed an attachment to you."

"Oh. Have you- have you been able to question him?"

"Uh... he said he won't talk unless- _unless he can speak to you."_

\-----

"And you're absolutely, positively okay with this?"

Y/n stood staring at the interrogation room, she clasped her hands together in an attempt to make them stop shaking. She could barley look at him without crying, but she knew she had to do this, both her and Spencer weren't safe. They needed more information on his partner in order to catch them.

"I'm okay Spencer," she placed a reassuring hand on his arm "I promise."

"If he even makes you slightly uncomfortable, I will come in and beat his ass" He pulled her closer to him, so their chests were now touching.

"I'm sure you will," she giggled, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips as he began to guide her to the door. His hand rested on the small of her back as she reached out to the door pushing it open, revealing Aiden. Spencer continued slightly into the doorway, y/n turned around to face him furrowing her brow. "What are you doing?"

"This." He locked his lips into hers passionately, she felt herself melt into them as he pushed his tongue in. She heard Aiden scoff as Spencer grabbed a hold of her ass pulling her closer.

He finally pulled away from the whirl wind of a kiss, a dizzy smile on y/n's face. She sat down, hearing the door close and almost forgetting what she was in there for.

"Reid, was that really necessary?" Hotch scorned as he returned, crossing his arms as he watched y/n shift in her seat.

"Yes." He answered plainly.

"Hello beautiful." Aiden spoke, his tone as disgustingly sleazy as ever.

"You don't get to call me that." Y/n's face returned to her neutral resting bitch face, her arms crossing over her chest.

"What? Is that reserved for the asshole that put on a show for me just a minute ago? Thanks for that by the way." He turned with a bitter expression to the two way mirror.

"Yes actually, and it's agent y/l/n to you."

"Okay _agent y/l/n,_ what brings you here?" He turned back towards her.

"You asked for me and I have some questions about your partner." Her tone was cool, attempting to mask the pure stress and fear that would come out if she let it. 

"I don't have a partner." He glanced at the mirror again, "Why did you get back together with him?"

"We're not here to talk about me? Who are you protecting?"

"You can honestly do so much better, what did he say when you asked if he loved you?" He leaned closer to her, lowering his voice, "Oh that's right, _nothing._ " 

Y/n opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the right thing to say, "How- how do you?" She shook her head, trying to hide the fact that he was getting under her skin. "And that's not how it went." 

"Then how did it go?" 

"Again this isn't about me." 

"Really?" He bent back in his chair, his arms crossing over themselves, "Because I think it has everything to do with you and the fact that you continue to stay with that douche bag." 

"Okay, say I do deserve better. Who do I leave him for? _You?_ " She was getting heated, her voice was getting louder then she would like to admit, "Because last time I checked, you almost stabbed me to death. So I'll take Spencer any day, thanks." 

"You're acting like he hasn't touched a pretty hair on your head." For a profiler, y/n wasn't amazing at concealing her emotions, so when she looked away, Aiden saw it as the perfect time to strike. "I bet he's left some nice marks on that gorgeous little neck of yours, huh?" 

"This is _extremely_ off topic." Y/n still didn't have the strength to look up at him.

"Maybe. But god it's entertaining," he shook his head with a smile. "Does he make you scream like I did?" He whispered.

The door flung open not even seconds after that, an enraged Spencer stormed into the interrogation room. 

_"Daddy's home."_ Aiden sung with a smirk. 

"Y/n leave." She sat stunned for a moment, before Spencer brought his fists down on the table, "Now!" She flinched before rising, scrambling out of the room after taking one last glance at the pair that looked like they would rip each other apart if given the chance.

"See this is what I mean by _you're an asshole_. Just because you're _'so much smarter'_ then everyone else, doesn't mean you get to push them around." He cocked his head to the side, whilst Spencer towered over him.

"How do you know so much?" Spencer dragged out the chair, sitting down with almost a huff. 

"You're going to have to be more specific." Aiden taunted.

"About us, about our relationship, there was no possible way you could have been hiding in our apartment listening to us all the time." Spencer was now taking long drawn out breaths, he was going to snap if he couldn't calm himself down.

"You see, I don't work in tech for nothing." The grin on his face was getting too large for Spencers liking.

"Son of a bitch, you hacked our phones-"

"-And your laptops, and the security cameras in your apartment buildings and your bank accounts. By the way you order a lot of take out, you might want to consider-" 

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Spencer cut off his rambling, sick of hearing his voice.

"I already know i'm going away for a long time 187, might as well lighten the load on my conscience." 

"You don't have a conscience-" 

"-Neither do you." 

There was a pause in the conversation, the two men attempted to dominate the other with their stare. "Well, if you're all about clearing your so called _'conscience',_ then why don't you tell us where your partner is." 

"Because I don't have one. Do you know what I always hated about you Spencer?" 

"I don't care-" 

"You always thought you were better than everyone, you always _'took the moral high ground'._ But really, _you're just as corrupt as the rest of us._ " He spat, his body leaning towards Spencer, getting up in his face.

Spencer took it as a challenge and leaned forward also, "Where is your partner?" 

"I know you have an eidetic memory, but did you even remember me?" His words were softer now, calmer. Like he felt hurt by the prospect of being forgotten by Spencer. 

"I knew your name, I just didn't know it belonged to you, you've changed a lot since high-school." 

"So have you." He was now seeming to get as far away from Spencer as he could, almost curling up in his chair, "We went to the same college you know?"

"I know, we just never crossed paths there." Spencer spoke slowly, "Now stop avoiding my question." 

"Stop treating Y/n like shit." Aiden shot back.

"You know nothing-" 

"-Oh really?" He leaned forward, his taunt on the tip of his tongue, "Then tell me how I know you choked her so hard you left a mark that lasted weeks." 

Spencer had enough, pushing the table aside. He grabbed Aiden by the collar pushing him against the wall. He wrapped his hands around his neck, choking him like his life depended on it. 

"Is this what you did to her?" Aiden laughed, coughing and choking on his own words, "I feel honoured to be apart of the club." 

"Spencer stop!" Y/n's hands clamped around his wrists "Spencer get off of him." In his blind fit of rage it was almost like y/n wasn't there. All he could see was the man the hurt the love of his life and the satisfying way he was draining the life out of him. 

_"Please Spencer!"_ Y/n shrieked.

Without even knowing he was doing it, he shoved her backwards. She fell to the floor, hitting the corner of the table on her way down. Hotch and Morgan rushed in the room, "Reid!" 

Spencers eyes widened as he saw y/n laying on the ground, he lunged towards her before being stopped by Hotch. Aiden was still managing to laugh through a violent cough, as Morgan yanked him off the floor.

Y/n clutched her stomach as Hotch held her, "Reid, go." Spencer crouched down towards y/n before being stopped again, "Leave, that's an order." 

"I told you I wasn't the one you should be worried about." Aiden was now laughing hysterically as Derek pulled him out of the room, Spencer close behind. He took one last glance into the room, his heart shattering as he saw y/n with her eyes screwed shut, Hotch comforting her. 

That should be him, but he fucked everything up. 

_Again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that ends phase two my lovelies. onto the third and final act...
> 
> and despite what it may seem sometimes hotch is purely a father figure to y/n in this story :( (emphasis on father not daddy) 
> 
> also im pretty sure recently we hit 5k hits and that's honestly so amazing I love you guys
> 
> -A


	21. Lost in Translation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before we start, please don't scream at me. this is my official warning for the chapter. 
> 
> caution:  
> \- ANGST

\-----

_"I told you I wasn't the one you should be worried about." Aiden was now laughing hysterically... He took one last glance into the room, his heart shattering as he saw y/n with her eyes screwed shut, Hotch comforting her._

_That should be him, but he fucked everything up._

_Again._

_\-----_

"Woah, don't get up too fast." Hotch held her steady and she rose to her feet, "And you are sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now, thanks." She took deep breaths as he lead her down the hall and into his office to lie down on his couch.

"Was what he said true?" Y/n furrowed her, slightly looking away, "About you and Reid?"

"Uh no." She lied, "He was just trying to get under Spencers skin."

Hotch nodded, already knowing she was being less than truthful, but deciding to drop it either way. She looked out into the bullpen, watching Spencer push his hands through his hair, as Morgan presumably lectured him.

"What the fuck were you thinking man?" Morgan flung his arms in the air, his head firmly shaking.

Spencer looked past him, trying to get a glimpse of Y/n, "Is she in Hotch's office? I need to see her." Morgan stepped in front of his line of site again, causing a huff to fall from Spencers mouth.

"You aren't seeing her until she asks for you." Spencer rolled his eyes, all he wanted to do was see y/n and make things right, "What were you thinking? What you did was absolutely unnecessary."

"I wasn't thinking at all." Spencer admitted, hoping to get out if this conversation as soon as possible.

"Yeah clearly." Hotch cleared his throat from his office door, shooting a quick nod to Morgan. He sighed, "Go, your girlfriend wants you." He reluctantly let Spencer get up and make his way to the office.

He didn't bother knocking, flinging open the door to see Hotch crouching in front of y/n on the couch, quietly speaking to her. He fell to his knees next to him, wrapping his arms around her.

"Oh god I'm so sorry," He cradled her head on his chest. "Are you hurt?" He pulled back cupping her cheek. Spencer shot Hotch a glance, watching as he clearly ignored Spencers silent plea for him to leave.

"No, I'm fine." She replied. Hotch sighed, returning to the seat at his desk.

He played with her hair as he rose to sit next to her, "You didn't seem fine before, god knows what would have happened if-"

"No what ifs" She cut him off, "Please. I'm fine, see?" She shrugged, displaying herself to him, before pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

"If you feel any sort of pain-"

"-I'll tell you right away and we'll go straight to the emergency room." She finished his sentence, shaking her head at his predicable nature.

His kissed her forehead, "I love you." He whispered.

"I love you more." She returned his kiss, this time on the tip of her nose, watching his face scrunch up.

"Do you need me to take you home? Or-"

"No it's okay. It's still morning, I might just stay with Hotch for a little bit, maybe take a nap, then I'll be back down there doing my paper work with you guys." She smiled, running a gentle hand up and down his arm.

"Okay." He said plainly, giving her one last kiss before exiting Hotch's office and softly closing the door behind himself.

He knew something was off with her. But he didn't have the heart to push her, not after everything that had happened.

\-----

The rest of the day was mostly spent away from y/n. It was like the team was constantly keeping her occupied, so much so, that she barley uttered one word to him. There was one instance where they were in the break room at the same time. She had given him a hug and a soft kiss and that was it, before Emily conveniently swooped her out of his arms and into Garcia's office, to _'look over'_ some digital files. He knew what they were doing, he wasn't an idiot. It was like they were scared that if he laid one finger on her he would immediately crush her. He would like to say that Hotch and Emily were the most aggressive when it came to y/n, but everyone was just as protective of her as each other.

"Hey baby" y/n smiled, perching on the edge of his desk. She ruffled his hair, placing a sweet his on his forehead, then both of his cheeks and finally his nose. Her giggle was infectious, he chuckled with her, grabbing her waist softly to bring her closer to him.

"I feel like I haven't seen you all day." He ran circles over her back.

"Mmm, I know. Maybe I should make up for that tonight," she leaned closer to him, a cheeky smile on her face.

"You sure you're up for that?" He asked, his hands moving over her stomach, she subconsciously removed them, placing them on her thighs.

"Yes?" She shrugged.

"Well I know for a fact your doctor hasn't given you the all clear, so-"

"-But." She whined attempting to argue back.

"Nope sorry" he replied before she could even begin.

"You're no fun." She pouted, leaning closer to him, "don't come crying to me when you realise what you missed." Their lips connected-

"-Hey y/n, can you come look at this for me?-" Emily entered the bullpen.

Spencer had enough of this shit, he finally snapped, "-Can I not speak to my girlfriend for two fucking minutes?!"

"Spencer it's okay-" y/n attempted to soothe him.

"-In case you haven't notice Reid, this is a work place, meaning your little _'chat'_ can wait." Emily spat back, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Did you really think, I wouldn't notice the way you're guarding y/n?" His voice was getting louder with each word, y/n clamped don't on his arm trying to get his attention. 

"We're not guarding her Reid, you're being paranoid." Emily shook her head. 

Spencer scoffed, "Then tell me why today, I can't seem to be in a room alone with her without one of you guys whisking her away?" 

"Coincidence?" Prentiss shrugged aggressively. 

"We both know it's more then that-" 

"Will the two of you just shut up!?" Y/n brought their attention back to her, "Baby, it's almost the end of the day, I'll help Emily then we can leave. Okay?" The pair were still glaring at each other, eliciting a huff from y/n, "Okay?!" She said louder and more forceful this time. 

"Yes, okay." Spencer said quietly, subtlety rolling his eyes. 

"Good. Now I'll be back soon, try not to get into anymore fights... _please_?" She crossed her arms over her chest. 

"I promise I won't." He replied. 

She ruffled his hair again, "Good boy." She said, causing him to crack an unwanted smile. 

\-----

The team had eased up on him over the past two months. There were no more incidents and y/n was on the mend. She was actually doing better then he was, but she didn't need to know that. It was so extremely hard for Spencer to get over the fact that y/n was still in danger, he didn't even care if he was too. But just knowing that another person was potently out there, wanting to hurt her, was frightening. What made him even more upset, was he fact that no one else seemed to care. They carried on with life like nothing had even happened. But something did happen, and it was horrible. 

_Which only made him more frustrated._

Although they may act like their relationship was as rock solid as it came, y/n and Spencer were falling apart, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Their issues from before her abduction still hadn't been resolved and y/n refused to utter a word about what she went through whilst kidnapped. Spencer was also unwilling to confront whatever it was inside him that made him lash out at Aiden that day, in turn hurting y/n. 

It was a stale mate. If they didn't talk about it, they didn't have to think about it. And maybe, just maybe, it would disappear. 

But it didn't. And no amount of ignoring would ever make it go away. 

They had fallen out of balance. Their communication only got worse and pretending like their relationship was the same as it was before only stood to hurt them. What they went through should have made them stronger, but it only made them hide from each other. They still did everything they did before things went to shit, but now with an absence of feeling.

Spencer had withdrawn more than Y/n had. It was like he was trying to hide his love for her all over again, convince the world that he could live without her. More like that she could love without him. But the damage had already been done, and trying to disconnect in an effort to not get Y/n hurt wouldn't change the past. But Spencer kept trying, even if it was to their detriment.

That left the two of them to bottle up their feelings. It was only a matter of time before one of them exploded and it wouldn't be pretty when the inevitable finally happened. 

"It'll be okay, I'll be right out here waiting for you." She smiled the way she usually did, and spoke the way she usually did, and touched the way she usually did. But still Spencer couldn't calm down. 

It was the day before the trial and Aiden requested to meet with Spencer and _Spencer only._ He promised to reveal more about his partner if given the chance to speak to Reid alone. Everyone had suspected it to just be taunt, but the prospect of gaining another lead was enticing. Thus, although he had been advised not to, he was standing in front of the interrogation room door, waiting to see the man that had now made his life a living hell. 

Hesitantly, he turned the handle and pushed his way into the room. Aiden sat with his usual smirk, his hands clasped together resting on the table. Wordlessly, Spencer pulled out the chair, taking a seat before him. 

"You wanted to speak with me?" Spencers stare was controlled and emotionless, Aiden may be a narcissistic asshole, but he wasn't stupid. There was no way Spencer was going to risk letting him use his emotions against him. 

"Yes I did." 

There was a long pause, "Well?" Spencer added, already feeling impatient. 

"I just had a gift for you."

"A gift?" Spencer furrowed his brow as Aiden unclasped his hands, a crumpled piece of paper beginning to reveal itself. 

"Well actually, I just needed to return something to you" Spencer looked even more confused as the piece of folded paper began to slide across the metal table. 

"What is this?" 

"Open it and you'll see." He smirked, leaning back in his chair.

It didn't take long for Spencer to realise what it was. He unfolded it once and could already recognise the way the paper felt under his finger tips. Fully spread out, he was able to see the page that started almost all of this. 

_'Love is our true destiny.  
We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-   
_ _We find it with another.'_

_\- Thomas merton_

God, he had gotten so incredibly sick of that quote.

"Why are you giving me this?" 

"Think of it as a peace offering." Aiden shrugged. Spencer was less than impressed. His time was almost certainly being wasted. 

"If you're not going to give me any information, I'm done here." Spencer began to rise, before Aiden's cuffed hands shot out to stop him.

"No stop." Spencer slowly sat back down in his seat, "I wanted you to come here because I'm finally ready to share." 

Spencer gestured for him to continue, Aiden made himself more comfortable before sighing, "I do have a partner." Spencer should have felt some sort of satisfactory weight begin to lift off of his shoulders, but it now felt like there was more pressure, and as Aiden continued, the feeling only got worse. "And let me tell you Spencer, they probably hate you more than I do. And when they're done with you, not even _y/n_ will come crawling back, because the world will finally know just how rotten Spencer Reid really is. And do you want to know the best part? It has been a hell of a lot easier to chip away at that pristine image of yours than we first thought, because you seem to be disgracing yourself all on your own." 

Aiden began to laugh hysterically, clapping his hands, "I have to applaud you, really. The way you threw that beautiful girlfriend of yours to the ground was just magnificent. I bet that left a mark, didn't it? What I would give-" 

"Enough!" Spencer stood up abruptly, stumbling towards the door, "I knew this was a mistake." 

"Oh don't leave just yet Spencie, I've only just begun." He chuckled. 

Spencer didn't know why, but he was compelled to stay. He stood with his hand on the door nob, unable to move, he was paralysed. A deer in the headlights. 

"Listen to me genius" He clear his throat, "she will _never_ be safe as long as you're around. And I'm not telling you this because I have a partner somewhere out there, I'm telling you this because it's the truth. People that love you get hurt and it's not because of some cruel twist of fate, it's because _you_ hurt them." 

He couldn't stay a second longer, it was too much. 

He tripped over his own feet as he almost ran out of the room. He took the time to compose himself in the bathroom, like nothing had happened, before walking out to y/n. Her face was pale and she was looking down towards her phone. He barley even noticed she was very clearly upset, only grabbing her hand and leaving the building. 

\-----

They sat on the couch. Her head rested in his lap as he played with her hair absentmindedly. She didn't ask him how it went, she knew it wasn't good, so they spent most of the day silent, trying to find comfort in one another's touch. 

The sentences that spewed out of Aidens mouth swam around in Spencers head. He couldn't protect her, how had he not realised this sooner? It wasn't everyone else he had to worry about, _it was himself_. He was doing this to her. If they had never gotten close, no one would have been able to use her against him. 

She wouldn't have been hurt. 

Soft sobs echoed in his ears. It took him a moment to realise they were coming from y/n. He leaned down towards her, raising up her head slightly. 

"Are you crying?" 

"What?" She laughed, "No." He could clearly see her wiping tears from under her eyes.

"You're definitely crying, what's wrong?" He turned her to face him. 

"Nothing!" He shot her a look, she sighed, "Everything." She said quietly, the tears welling up in her eyes again, "It's just... It's all too fucking much. From the trial t-tomorrow, to- to my dad." She struggled to speak through her laboured breathing, "He's getting so much worse Spencer. Nothing's working. The treatment- i-it's not helping. It's everywhere and he's, oh my god." She buried her face in his chest, tears soaking through his t-shirt. 

Everything she said flew straight past him. He couldn't focus on her words, all he could focus on was her pain. There was so much pain lingering behind her eyes and he couldn't help feeling that he was making it worse. He couldn't do this to her anymore. He stood as a reminder of everything she had sacrificed, of all the trauma she had endured. 

And before he knew it, his mouth had made the decision for him. 

_"I can't do this anymore."_

"What?" She looked up at him, her eyes red and puffy, as confusion began to cloud her irises.

"I'm done." He sighed, his hands frantically rubbing over his face. 

"What do you mean you're done?" Her eyebrows scrunched together, he could tell she knew what was coming. It had been coming for two months now.

"I mean this is over," He pulled himself from under her, standing up and as far away from where she was sitting as possible, "I can't be with you anymore."

"Where is this coming from?" She looked so incredibly vulnerable. The only time he had seen her so lost and scared was... when she was dying in his arms. "After everything we've been through? You're just going leave, like that?"

"It's coming from the fact that this relationship isn't serving me anymore." He knew what he was saying wasn't logical. He knew she would see right through him, know that he didn't mean a word he was saying.

"But Spencer I love you, and I thought you lov-"

"Y/n if I still loved you, I wouldn't be trying to leave you." He let all his feelings of guilt drain from his body, leaving him hollow. _He was doing this for her._ They were both still young. She would find someone else. Someone that wouldn't hurt her like he did. Someone who wouldn't take as much as he did. Someone who wouldn't burden her like he did. 

"You don't mean that." She was so soft spoken. She was so unlike herself. She was so... defeated. But he knew she could heal from this. She was strong, she didn't need him.

"I do, I don't you love you anymore." His words felt harsher on his tongue then he'd like to admit. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to take back every word he just said. But again, if he let her go, she would no longer have to be hurt by him. Their fates would no longer be tied together. 

"But Spencer, you're all I have" She frantically shook her head, folding up into herself, "I don't know what I'm gonna do without you."

"That's not my problem anymore."

He saw her almost double over in pain, "Wha- this is a nightmare."

"Goodbye Y/n" He walked to the door, his hand hovering over the handle.

"Wait no, please don't leave me." She sounded so distraught as she got up and practically ran to him, clinging to his chest. "I get that you don't love me, but please, can you hold me?" She was coughing and spluttering, chocking on her sobs, "Just for tonight? I've had a really bad day and I just need you."

"I can't."

" _Please_ , I know it sounds desperate, but I'm begging you." If she wasn't clawing at his chest, he was almost certain she would be curled up on the floor, "Just hold me until I fall asleep you- you don't even n-need to be there when I wake up. I-I j-just want yo-you to be the last thing I see before I-I fall asleep," She swallowed, "please?"

_'No because if I stay I won't be able to leave.'_

Was all he was screaming in his head. 

And the way she said it was so small and defeated. She was so fragile right now and he felt like he was breaking her. But honestly, it was either this or a possible life time of pain.

"No, I'm sorry." He grabbed a hold of her hands, practically peeling her off of himself.

As soon as he let go, she collapsed to her knees. She became a sobbing mess on the floor before him. He reached for the handle again, clicking the door open. 

"O-okay" She stuttered out, lifting her head ever so slightly "Just one thing before you leave?"

He knew listening to her wasn't a good idea and it would only break his heart more. But after everything he had done, he needed to at least give her something. 

"I love you" She began, her voice surprising loud, "I love you with every fibre of my being and I don't think I'll be able to love anyone more than I love you." 

She took a deep breath aiming to ground herself enough to continue, "So if you ever decide to come back to me, I'll be here. Because Spencer, you _fucking ruined me_. There is no possible way I could ever be with anyone else, because I love you and now I'm _broken._ " 

"I'm fucking destroyed... _and I don't even care._ " She shrugged. 

He stood there looking at her longer than he should have been. She cradled herself in her arms for comfort.

"That's it." She said barley above a whisper, "You can go now."

"I'm sorry." 

Was all he said. Pushing open the door and walking down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops that was a bit depressing
> 
> but the next couple chapters i have had planned from the beginning of this fic lol so im excited 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter even though it was sad af
> 
> -A


	22. The Cross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution:   
> \- Vomit

\-----

_"That's it." She said barley above a whisper, "You can go now."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_Was all he said. Pushing open the door and walking down the hall._

\-----

_Spencer Reid is dead to me._

The thought swirled around and around in y/n's head as she dragged her feet into the court house. Today was already stressful enough as it is, but having to see Spencer only a day after they had broken up, was probably the hardest thing she would ever have to do. She meant what she said last night. She did love him, and she would drop everything for him if he asked. But right now, the small voice in her head that wanted to scream at him, was almost winning.

Her head was pounding and her stomach was tying in knots over and over. Her shaky legs could barley keep her up, as a startling voice from behind almost made her topple over.

"Hey did you and Spencer not come together?" Emily linked her arm into y/n's, her brows furrowing as she searched y/n's face for an answer.

"Uh-" Just at that moment, Spencer pushed open the doors. Why did he have to look good today? His three piece suit and fresh hair cut made y/n want to swoon and throw up simultaneously. "I'm going to be sick." She booked it to the bathroom, Emily hot on her heels trying to make sure she was okay.

She emptied her stomach into the toilet, looking away as to not make her stomach worse, by seeing her breakfast swimming around in the bowl. She had always been a nervous vomiter. She would throw up before she would cry in most situations, and today was no different.

"Oh Honey-" Emily rubbed her back soothingly whilst holding her hair out of her face. "We need to get you cleaned up, they're commencing the trial soon. But don't think we aren't talking about you and Reid straight after".

Y/n groggily nodded, pushing herself to her feet, with the help of Emily, precariously dragging her feet to the sink. Wordlessly, she washed her hands and reluctantly made her way into the court room, taking a seat next to her least favourite person, that she so happened to still be in love with. _Spencer Reid._

\-----

The case was a blur, it wasn't over yet, but the guilty plead was enough to know where it was heading. She felt her hand gravitate towards his too many times to count during the time they had sat next to each other. It was like there was an invisible string attached to them, constantly pulling them closer to each other. His gravitational pull was almost too strong to ignore. As much as she hated it, again, she did mean what she said, she was there waiting for him with open arms.

The looming pit of stress and sickness stayed, it was a constant. For almost a week now she felt sick. Emotionally and physically. She couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. Her body was wearing itself thin.

Sitting in the jet, on the way to another case that y/n couldn't seem to fully give her attention to, her stomach and head only got worse. She was a naturally queazy person, but this was getting out of hand. Her eyes were screwed shut, as she focused on the nothingness her eyelids projected. But still, that wasn't enough to keep the bile, that was quickly trying to escape, from rushing up her throat.

"Nope." She uttered, clamping her hand out of her mouth, as she just barley made it into the jet bathroom. This was embarrassing. It wasn't long into the flight, so everyone was surely still awake and probably hearing how much of a mess she was. Thank god no one decided to try and console her, she wanted to be alone.

Her reflection looked so different to what it was a week ago. Sure, she wasn't doing amazing. She hadn't truely felt happy for a couple months now, but at least it wasn't what was staring back at her in that moment. Her skin was a little paler, the rose that would usually litter her cheeks nowhere to be found. She looked frail, she looked weak, she looked... broken.

Did Spencer really manage to do all of this?

She tore herself to shreds in her head once more, before tentatively pushing open the door and and shuffling her feet into the cabin. Much to her destress, what she had predicted came to fruition, everyone was staring at her. She rolled her eyes, making her way to the coffee machine. She needed to put something into her body before she collapsed.

"Rough night?" Morgan taunted, breaking the seal that shouldn't have been broken.

Y/n grumbled as she filled her mug as much as she could, "Rough week." She replied, "Actually, rough month- rough fucking year, I don't know"

"Y/l/n language." Hotch said with a little less edge than usual, obviously sensing the twinge of pain in her voice.

"Sorry sir." She sat back down in her seat, glad to have picked the furthest one from the team, and began staring out the window.

"What happened?" Y/n managed to hear Morgan say, looking up just in time to see Spencer shrug.

Asshole. He knew what happened, he broke her fucking heart.

At this point, it was silently agreed that no one on the team would talk about what happened between the two of them. It was easy to see they had broken up. If they weren't, Spencer would currently be all over y/n, coddling her and making sure she was alright. Honestly, she probably wouldn't be in such bad shape if they were still together. It hadn't disrupted the team dynamic... yet. And everyone knows how much Spencer cares about that. So the topic was pushed to the side and left alone.

Emily however knew everything. From y/n's perspective at least. She had gone crying to Emily for a week after all.

But in this moment, it was different somehow.

It was like no one wanted to touch her. Like she would break all over again. Y/n had felt this way once before and she hated it. Sure she was the youngest on the team, compared to the rest of them, she had barley even lived a life. But she wasn't some naive little girl, who would shatter if it weren't for those around her holding the pieces together.

Now she felt pissed off... and sick again.

She didn't even realise she was angrily gulping down her coffee. Basically chugging the large cup of it in less than five minutes. She felt it bubbling in the pit of her stomach. Three days of little food and now a stomach full of coffee was not a good mix. She felt acid sting in her throat again, she got up with a huff and emptied the perfectly good coffee, that had just made it into her system, down the toilet.

However, this time when she put her head up, she wasn't so lucky. Unfortunately, now she wasn't alone and if this week couldn't get any worse, it wasn't Emily standing at the door.

"What do you want?" She wiped her mouth and pushed herself to her feet. She was surprised she was able to stay steady on them, as she washed her hands and splashed some water on her face.

"I just came to check if you were alright." She caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror, quickly darting her eyes back down to rest on her hands in the sink. She couldn't look at him, not now, probably not for a long time.

"I think you know the answer." She whispered, moving to brush past him. She groaned as his hand stopped her in the doorway. "Reid, I can't do this right now."

"Y/n, please. I'm sorry-"

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" He only sighed in response, making the rage in her chest flare up again, before y/n consciously dampened the flame. "I'm going to pretend like this didn't happen, go back to my seat and sit down, and you're going to take a seat where I can't see your stupid fucking face."

He let her move past him this time. She did what she said she was going to do and was happy to see him doing as she asked. Now that she could look around the jet without the risk of her eyes falling on Reid, she could finally get some rest.

She slowly closed her eyes, letting her heavy eyelids relax, for what felt like the first time in years and drift off to sleep.

She was pleasantly surprised with nothingness. Her dreamless slumber finally giving her the break she so desperately deserved.

\-----

That night however, she wasn't so lucky.

_"Spencer!" She screamed out. "Spencer help me!"_

_But no matter how much she screamed, he never came. The stabbing in her stomach continued, as she slowly went numb to the pain._

_She finally allowed her tired body to relax on the concrete below her, the cold floor cooling down her skin, that felt like it was set on fire. She felt the life drain out of her. Her eyes screwed shut as she tried to hold on to any fight still had left in her veins._

_"Spencer can't save you now sweetheart." The voice echoed in her head. The nightmare that was Aiden, now staring back at her, once she finally had the strength to open her eyes again. She didn't want to believe him, but she couldn't help it. Spencer couldn't save her, she was too long gone._

_As she felt the last drops of life trickle from her insides, a sharp pain brought her back._

But instead of her eyes landing on Spencer, holding her stomach, she was met with a hotel room ceiling. The pain in her stomach now revealed itself as nausea.

"Not again." She murmured, pulling her tired feet into the bathroom and throwing up the lone bile that inhabited her stomach. Once she was sure her heaving was over, she pulled her legs to her chest and sat on the cold tiles.

"Are you still sick?" Emily appeared behind her, soothingly rubbing her back once again. Y/n only had the strength to nod in response, "You might have caught a bug or something," Emily placed the back of her hand on y/n's forehead, "oh god you're burning up."

"It's probably just my period, I get really bad cramps sometimes when it's a little late, so it's probably coming soon." Her throat felt so dry and tasted of acid.

"Okay, just if it gets worse-"

"Yeah, I'll tell you. Sorry I woke you up" She turned on the tap, splashing her face with water and taking a few sips. 

"Don't sweat it. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't hold your hair back while you were sick." Y/n groggily padded over to her, wrapping her arms tightly around her. 

"Thank you." She whispered into her hair, "I mean it." 

"I know you do. And I also know, you think nothing is going to get better, but I promise you it will. You don't need Spencer, you'll find someone better than him. And if you don't, it doesn't matter because you're already amazing... and you've got me." They pulled back from their embrace, Emily playfully pinching y/n's cheeks, before guiding her back to bed. 

\-----

"Why does this keep happening?" She slung her head back, Emily pushing her hair out of her face. It had been four days since the last time she had thrown up. Y/n had honestly thought the bug had passed, be here she was, sitting on the floor of the jet bathroom, the tiny bit of turbulence causing her to empty her stomach. 

"Maybe you're just prone to motion sickness-" Y/n shot Emily a glare from over her shoulder, "-or not." 

"I just want whatever fucking bug is inside me to exit... now." She groaned, resting her head in her hands. 

"Maybe- okay, don't scream at me. But-" Emily's voice pitched up, y/n caught a glance of her grimace in the mirror. 

"But what?" 

"Maybe it's not a bug? Maybe it's a lot _bigger_ than a bug?" Emily shrugged, her face still looking extremely uncomfortable. 

Y/n's face dropped and her eyes widened, "No. No it can't be, I'm on birth control." 

"Yeah, but we both know how forgetful you can be sometimes-" She was speaking softly, as to not set off the beast inside of y/n. 

However it did not work, "-I am not pregnant."

"I know. I know that." Emily nodded frantically, "I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to take a test-" 

"-I don't need to take a test, because I'm not pregnant." She spat out, washing out her mouth and promptly exiting the bathroom. She was not surprised to see all eyes on her when she stepped foot back into the cabin, her argument no doubt being heard, but hopefully muffled enough to not be understandable. "What are you looking at?" 

"Woah, blast from the past." Morgan whistled, "old y/n's back." 

"One more word, and I will end you." She deadpanned Derek, he shot a worried glance to both Reid and Hotch. "What? Does the big bad Derek Morgan not have anything extremely funny and clever to say back?" She scoffed, sarcasm dripping off of every word. 

"Y/n-" Spencer said soothingly, his efforts doing nothing to help. 

"Shut it Reid, like always when you but in, no one was talking to you." She shrugged off the Emily's hand, that was now on her shoulder, folding her arms over each other.

"Y/n, that's enough, take a seat. We'll talk about your behaviour when we land." Hotch interjected, his tone cold and authority. Y/n didn't question, sitting down with a huff and angling her entire body away from the rest of the team. 

The only thing she could think about now was what Emily said. There was no way in hell she was pregnant. 

\-----

"Stop Y/n, I didn't say you could leave." 

She rolled her eyes, as her feet pivoted, so she was once again facing Hotch. The last place she wanted to be, was in the office getting lectured. She wanted to be at home, a large glass of wine in her hand and her feet propped up whilst she watched some cheesy romcom she found on Netflix. 

"I understand you're under a lot of stress at the moment, but that isn't an excuse to snap at your colleagues who are just trying to help you." He began, his fatherly voice turned on to the maximum setting. 

"If you call winding me up helpful." She grumbled.

"Do you need a couple days off? I know you've been sick-" 

"I'm fine." 

Hotch sighed, clearly done with her lies. He took her hand, "Whatever you say. But just please, take care of yourself. If not for your own sake, then for the people that love you and need you." His eyes quickly flicked down to her stomach, if she had blinked she would have missed it. 

She wrenched her hand out of his, "I'm fine. Can I go now?" 

"Yes, you may go." 

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, y/n turned on her heels and booked it down the stairs. Was she reading too much into a small glance? Probably. But did it really seem like she was pregnant? She felt herself hyperventilating, as she stormed to her car, slamming the door and turning on the engine.

Out of pure spite and stubbornness she decided she would take the stupid test, just to prove them wrong. Were the chances of her being pregnant completely zero? No. But every birth control had its faults, the pill was no different. However, she was even less perfect than the product she was taking. Often forgetting to pack it on cases and having to basically start the process from scratch, making it less and less effective.

However, for the five plus years she had been taking it, she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. So what was going to be different this time? 

She pulled into the drug store, her feet heavy on the concrete as she rushed through the doors, picking up the first pregnancy test she found. With her arms crossed and her foot tapping on the floor, she waited for the cashier to ring up the price. She slammed the cash down on the counter, telling the young cashier to keep the change and left. 

The trip home was a blur, the nerves and anger rushing through her body creating an almost haze around her. She sat staring at the small device in her palms, waiting for the infamous singular line to show up.

 _'It was negative, it had to be negative.'_ She was telling herself.

Growing impatient, she scrolled through her phone, thinking nothing of it when she glanced down to see a cross. 

_Wait a cross!?_

Her jaw slacked as she stared, her stomach pushing bile up her throat yet again. 

_"Fuck."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is currently too late for me to be functioning rn but i had a weird inclination to write this.
> 
> anyway... we're in trouble lol
> 
> -A


	23. Bubs

\------

_Wait a cross!?_

_Her jaw slacked as she stared, her stomach pushing bile up her throat yet again._

_"Fuck."_

_\-------_

"No." Her breath got caught in her throat.

"No this isn't happening." Hot tears burned her eyes and her vision began to blur, "I'm not- This is dream." She dropped the test on the floor, her eyes fixated on her stomach. "Yeah, this is a dream. I'm going to wake up and this thing-" She gestured towards her abdomen, "-won't be inside me anymore."

She shut her eyes tight, pinching herself, causing a small wince. When her eyes peeled open again, she was met with the same bathroom and the same positive test lying on the floor.

"No." She whispered, tears slowly making their way down her cheeks, "I can't be a mother. I can't have his-" She fell to her knees, the harsh tiles tearing her soft skin, as she crashed to the floor. "What am I going to do?"

The shock settled in and her tears dried up. She felt numb. She felt stupid. How could she let this happen? How could she be so irresponsible?

Her eyes widened.

_Spencer was going to be so mad._

He made it _clear_ that he didn't want a relationship with her. What was he going to say when he found out she was carrying his child? Her whole body was burning with fear, for both herself and whatever was now sharing a life with her.

"I can't have you..." She whispered, her eyes locked onto her hands that were clutching her stomach, "...I'm so sorry." And the waterworks started again.

She felt more upset than she thought she would be. She had gone through this scenario in her head dozens of times, what woman doesn't? But now that it was real, it was so much more complicated.

In her head it was always black and white. You either keep it, or you don't. But life isn't like that. No matter how much she wishes it was. She always thought that if this ever happened, it would be an easy decision, she wasn't the mothering type. So in her head, she would never be a mother. But as the choice sat in front of her, more like in her, she just couldn't make up her mind. 

She finally got the courage to push herself off the floor, clean her face, tuck the test away in her draw and slink into bed. It was now late, around the time she would usually go to sleep, but she had a feeling she wasn't getting any sleep tonight. She probably wouldn't get any for a long time. Her hand reached for her phone on the side table, shakily she scrolled to find his contact number.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey Hotch, I was just wondering if I could take tomorrow off? I just feel really sick."

_"Of course y/n. If you need more time, don't be afraid to ask. Please take care of yourself."_

"I will, thank you."

And when the call ended, she laid staring at her blank ceiling, feeling grateful that her eyes could finally rest. But her mind had other plans and soon enough she was on her laptop. She'll admit, she may have missed a few days when taking the pill, every now and then, but it didn't really seem to make a difference until now. She would even use a condom for at least a week if she did miss a day. But even that wasn't enough.

Her eyelids were so heavy, she wanted to sleep but she couldn't. She needed to at least try though. She closed her laptop, slowly pushing it away from her, the words from the multiple articles she read, swimming around in her brain.

And like she had been doing a lot over the past hour, she was now clutching her stomach. Her brows knitted together as she stared down at the thing that was changing her life.

She would never tell Spencer, but she had thought about what it would be like to raise a family with him. She had thought about buying a house in a nice suburb and putting up that white picket fence and bringing up a family in it. But that was all it was, _a thought._

She let out a sad laugh, "is it stupid that I hope you're a girl?" Her voice filled her ears, she hated the fact that she was wishing he was beside her, holding her hand and telling her everything was going to be alright.

"I never wanted this, you know? But if someone told me, that loving him would ruin my life, I think I would take it anyway. I would take it, because then I would be happy. Even though, looking back at it now, it was only fleeting." She choked on her words, "I was happy. I was so fucking happy."

She clutched a pillow next to her, pulling it close to her chest, "Maybe I'll be happy again. Maybe you'll make me happy." Her other hand ran circles over her stomach, and even though she thought she never wanted kids, this tiny piece of him that still remained inside of her, might possibly give her the love she deserved. That tiny piece, gave her the smallest bit of hope.

And as the sun began to rise, she finally got some rest.

Her eyes closed and she drowned in slumber...

\------

_"Spencer?" Y/n giggled, tiptoeing around the house. The floorboards slightly creaking underneath her feet. "Diana?"_

_She heard slight snickering coming from their bedroom. Slowly, she took cautious steps towards it, opening the door quietly. The sounds of giggling only got louder, as she got closer to their closet. She flung the doors open. Spencer and their spritely young daughter, were crouched at the bottom together._

_"I found you." Y/n cooed, Diana clasped her hands over her mouth, muffling her laughter._

_"No, mommy caught us." The young girl gasped, burring her face in Spencers chest. He playfully picked her up, stepping out of the closet towards y/n._

_"Are you hungry Diana?" Y/n smoothed down her hair, feeling Spencers hand slide around her waist, pulling her closer to him._

_"Mhm." The small girl responded with a nod. Her father carefully let her out of his arms, both y/n and him following her out into the kitchen and dining area._

_"Mommy put a sandwich on the table for you, honey." She helped Diana push herself up onto the seat, despite her protests and her explaining that 'she could do it herself'. For someone so young, she had quite a bit of sass. She definitely got that from her mother. She also had quite the mouth too, always rambling on about some random topic Spencer had decided to teach her about._

_She was well spoken and quite articulate, despite her age. Y/n felt herself tear up, as she stared at her daughter and then back to her now husband._

_"She's grown up so fast." Spencer turned her to face him, cupping her cheeks and wiping her tears with his thumb._

_"It feels like only yesterday we found out we were expecting." He reminisced, his eyes gleaming with excitement._

_"You're an amazing dad, Spencer. I hope you never forget that." She placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "I love you."_

_His face fell, the colour draining from his cheeks. "I can't do this."_

_"What?"_

_"Y/n, we've been through this before. I can't do this." His words were harsh, it felt like a million tiny needles pricking her skin, "Are you listening to me? I can't do this."_

_"I can't do_ _this_ _!"_

"I can't-"

Her lungs burned. It was like she hadn't taken a breath for days, like she was drowning over and over again. The midday sun shone through the windows, heating her up. She sweltered under the covers, quickly pushing them off. Her head was throbbing, she dug the heel of her hand into her eye. 

And then it hit her.

_She was pregnant._

She hadn't even said it in her head yet, let alone said it out loud. That would make it too real. It was all fun and games in her dreams, but this was reality. Reality wasn't the same as her subconscious. Reality was harsh. And reality, didn't give a fuck about her feelings or her happily ever after. 

\-----

"Please tell me the past couple of days, you were actually sick, and you weren't just moping around thinking about Spencer." Emily slid her office chair up beside y/n at her desk. 

"Could you be any louder?" She shot back, it was too early in the morning for this bullshit. 

"Come on, he's not even in the room." 

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean _other people_ won't hear and tell him." Y/n flicked her head to the side, gesturing towards Morgan.

"So you were moping." Emily pointed an accusing finger at her. 

"No, I wasn't moping. I was busy throwing up my guts." She hadn't thrown up for a good thirty-six hours. But she wasn't about to tell Emily that she wasn't moping about Spencer, but about his child growing inside her womb. That seemed like a no go.

"Mmm, sure." She said sarcastically, crossing her arms over her chest. 

"Fine. Maybe a tiny bit of moping." 

"Ha!" Emily celebrated, "Tonight I'm bringing over a bottle of some cheap wine and we are drinking away our sorrows, alright?" 

"Uhm-" 

_Shit, shit, shit._ What was she supposed to do now? Obviously consuming alcohol didn't bode well for the clump of cells floating around inside of her. 

"Sure." She spat out. She would definitely get questions from Emily tonight about why she wasn't drinking, but that was future y/n's problem. Present y/n's problem, was figuring out a way to act cool whilst Spencer walked straight towards her.

"Hey y/n, Hotch said you were sick yesterday, I hope you're feeling better." She internally kicked herself for the butterflies erupting in her stomach. She's just going to blame it on the fetus. 

"Thanks." She said, her tone cold and apathetic. Why he thought he had the right to speak to her was beyond her. But she still could feel her heart strings being tugged at. 

"Well," thank god Emily was there to save her from the awkwardness, "we should probably get back to work right?" 

\-----

"I've got wine and ice-cream." Emily pushed past y/n into her apartment, holding up the goods in her hands, "you're welcome."

She was already in Y/n's kitchen, placing down the items, "Sure Emily, just come on in." 

"Tonight we are going to watch some sad movies, and cry our little hearts out." Emily grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and poured them full of wine, Y/n took the glass and politely thanked her. "Then, you are going to cry some more and finally realise that _men ain't shit._ " Emily pushed her into the living room, sitting her down on the couch. "Apart from the past couple of days, you haven't stopped working since all of this happened. You need time. Now drink up."

They saluted each other, y/n raised the glass to her lips pretending to take a small sip. She had to come up with another plan, because soon enough Emily would realise she hadn't even made a dent in her glass. 

Thank god the movie had distracted Emily enough to not notice the wine y/n hadn't touched. But Emily's glass was slowly draining, and when it was empty, she would offer y/n some more, and see that none had been drank. 

"I'm going to get some ice-cream." Y/n got up, taking her glass with her. She took some deep breaths, pouring most of the wine down the sink. She grabbed the ice-cream, walking back into the living room, pretending to take another sip just for good measure. 

"Thank you very much." She placed two spoons and the tub down on the coffee table, her glass along with it. "Do you want some more?" Emily gestured to the wine, much to y/n's distress. 

"Nah, I'm good." Her eyes shifted back to the screen, wanting to look at anything but Emily. 

"Okay, what's up? Did you really think I wouldn't notice you not touching your wine all night, then going to the kitchen and returning with the glass three quarters empty?" 

Y/n shrugged, "I don't know what you're talking about." 

Emily sighed, putting her hand on top of y/n's, "Are you okay?" All y/n could do was shake her head, she didn't want to say it, she couldn't. "Do you want to talk about?" 

She wrapped her arms around her, soaking her shirt with her tears, that were now pushing their way through. Her chest felt tight. 

"I'm- _fuck_." She huffed, her tongue tying as she tried to find a way to say it. "I'm fucked." She clasped her hands over her stomach, casting her eyes down.

"I was right, wasn't I?" Emily whispered, placing her hands over Y/n's.

"Spencer's going to kill me." 

"Don't say that." Emily quietly pleaded. 

"He might!" She whined, concern clouding her features, "he always made such a big point of being safe, and now I feel like this is all my fault." 

"Not to sound crass, y/n. But this shit is a two way street, it's just as much his fault as it is yours." Y/n's foot tapped wildly against the floor, Emily put her hand down to stop it. "Are you going to tell him?" 

"I don't want to, I don't know how." 

"Well are you going to keep it?" She asked gently, rubbing soothing circles on her back. 

"I spoke to my doctor yesterday, she said I should go for an ultrasound before I decide anything." She swallowed, it felt like the weight of the world, the weight of her future, was resting on her shoulders. 

Silence engulfed them momentarily, before y/n spoke again, "Will you uh- will you come with me?" 

"To your scan?" 

"Yeah." She breathed out. 

"Of course." Emily smiled softly. The kind of smile that assured you everything was going to be alright.

\------

It was yet another late night and y/n still couldn't fall asleep. 

It was probably the thought of her looming appointment tomorrow. 

She had avoided Spencer like the plague for a whole week, even more so then she was previously doing. She knew he had probably noticed, but she couldn't face him. She was quite confrontational at the best of times, but now all she wanted to do was to hide. 

The dreams didn't stop either. Almost every night without fail she would have one. All along the same lines. A happy family consisting of her, Spencer and baby, doing something extremely domestic. But they never stayed happy, always distorting and causing her to jolt awake. 

Once again, she stared at her ceiling, almost frighten to drift off to sleep. "Hi bubs, me again," she smiled to herself. She had made a habit of talking to the little thing growing inside of her. It was more a coping mechanism than anything else. "I'm going to see you tomorrow, isn't that crazy? Still haven't talked to your dad..." She trailed off, trying to stop her breath from getting caught in her throat.

"I'm really scarred," she whispered, "god this is stupid." She scoffed, and continued to speak to herself, "I'm scarred, because I don't know what to do. You know, your dad always wanted kids? But I told him... I told him, I couldn't give that to him. Because I thought I didn't want them. And that's what make this so dumb, because I'm terrified that he won't love you, because he doesn't love me."

A slow, lonely tear crept its way down her cheek, burning her skin. 

"And now I'm even more scarred, because I realised... I realised, th-that I might actually w-want you. And if he doesn't-" Sobs crashed through her chest like thunder, ripping her apart. 

"I'm going to have to do this alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hoping this chapter was okay. ive never been pregnant lol so this is kind of just how i think i would feel?
> 
> anyway, hope you're all having a great day, take care of yourselves. 
> 
> -A


	24. The Lie

\------

_"And now I'm even more scarred, because I realised... I realised, th-that I might actually w-want you. And if he doesn't-" Sobs crashed through her chest like thunder, ripping her apart._

_"I'm going to have to do this alone."_

\------

"Okay, it's just going to feel a little cold." The ultrasound technician began, y/n braced herself, as the gel began to spread across her stomach. She screwed her eyes shut and and grasped to Emily's hand tightly. "Will you be wanting pictures?"

Y/n's eyes shot open, "Uh-"

"Yes. Yes she wants pictures." Emily offered a tight lipped smile, putting her hands over Y/n's.

"So you're seven weeks along, correct?"

"Y-yeah I am, at least that's what my doctor told me." She still didn't have the courage to look at the monitor, either keeping her eyes closed, or focused on the wall in front of her.

"Okay, well everything seems to developing normally, there's nothing to worry about. We can't hear the heartbeat as of yet, but you should able to hear it during your next scan."

Y/n was finally able to move her gaze, resting it on the screen. A warm fuzzy feeling spread across her body, as she stared at the tiny little peanut on the monitor. It was barley there, but it was there none the less. She tilted her head as she looked at it, tears pricking in her eyes.

Goddamn it, she was never usually this emotional.

"Emily, I want to keep it. What do I do?"

The rest of the appointment was mostly formalities. She received multiple brochures and information packages, which she would definitely be staying up late at night reading. She received her sonograms and made the nerve wracking trip to the BAU.

Hotch knew she had an important appointment that morning, and Emily was there for emotional support, he just didn't know what it was for. However, Hotch wasn't stupid, and from the way she had been acting over the past week or so, it wouldn't be hard for him to guess.

She padded into the bullpen, Emily close behind her. She left the pictures and brochures in her car, she wasn't going to risk the possibility of them falling out or god forbid someone finding them. Everyone was staring at her once again. If she had a dollar for every time she got the attention of the whole room, she'd be rich by now.

"You guys are late." Morgan spoke up.

"Yep." Y/n answered. She was a naturally blunt person, so hopefully no one would decide to question her further.

"How very cryptic of you." Morgan said under his breath, but still loud enough for y/n to hear.

"I'm sorry I don't share every detail of my life with the whole team. Some things are private for a reason, Derek." She shot back. Morgan put his hands up in surrender, returning to his work.

Spencer leaned over the desk, concern written all over his features, "Are you alright?" He whispered.

Y/n leaned over towards him in return, their face merely inches apart, "Yes." She said simply, before leaning back in her seat and pulling out her paperwork.

\------

The day went by faster than she had expected, she got her work done before Spencer, which was surprising. She dropped it off in Hotch's office and walked to her car with a little more pep in her step. Today she had been having a weirdly good day, and as she stared at the sonograms sitting in her passenger seat, she felt happy. It should have made her more stressed, but there was something about it that gave her hope. Hope for a new life, for a better life. But the thought of Spencer still lingered, she would have to tell him eventually, she just didn't know how.

Opening her apartment, she kicked off her shoes, walking into her bedroom to unpack her bag. She placed the photos and some of the information booklets beside her bed, before running herself a bath. She called the local Chinese restaurant and ordered herself some dinner, whilst letting the warm water soak into her skin. She laid out candles and played calming music, taking the time to read one of the brochures.

It wasn't long before she heard a few knocks on the door.

 _'That was fast.'_ She thought to herself, wrapping a robe around her body and walking to the front door to receive her dinner.

She opened the door with an expectant smile, before it dropped, "You're not Chinese food."

"No I'm not, sorry to disappoint. Can I come in?" Spencer stood at the door, still dressed in his work attire, he must have come over straight after finishing.

"No, you can't." She shot daggers.

He sighed, "please y/n, it's really important."

"Okay, then you can talk to me about that really important thing," she gestured with her hands, "whilst standing out there."

He sighed once more, "is there something you're not telling me?"

She swallowed, her heart now bashing against her ribcage, "I don't know what you're talking about, you're going to have to be more specific."

Spencer bit the inside of his cheek, whilst rubbing the back of his neck, "a-are you-" He shook his head slightly, "you've just been really sick and I'm just wondering if-"

"-No."

"I haven't even-"

"-The answer is no." She cut him off again.

Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose, taking in a long drawn out breath, "Y/n, you're going to have to be honest with me."

"I am being honest, _it's no._ " She was clearly doing a bad job of controlling her micro-expressions, because Spencer was seeming to read her like a book.

"It doesn't seem like it." He crossed his arms over his chest, "lately you've been irritable and nauseous and you seem fatigued. I'm not accusing you of anything, but they're all signs of-"

"-I know what they're signs of." She couldn't hear him say it, not when she hadn't even said it out loud to herself.

"Then y/n, I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that what I'm thinking isn't correct. Or at least tell me the truth. If you can do that, then I'll leave." His face soften, trying to pull the words out of her.

But she couldn't, not yet.

"You're not right." Her voice became small, "I'm not pregnant." She whispered.

Spencer sighed. She couldn't tell if it was a sigh of relief or one of disappointment. She felt horrible lying to him, but he would find out eventually... just not now.

"Thank you for telling me the _truth_." His eyes went slightly glassy, "sorry I bothered you. Have a nice night."

She closed the door softly, sliding down it until she was sat on the floor, her knees pressed against her chest. And like she had been doing a lot recently, she began to cry. Her tears seemed to be never ending. She couldn't understand why he was being so kind. He had tried his best to distance himself over the past few weeks, yet now he was hyper concerned about her wellbeing? Her life was a huge mind-fuck at the moment.

The thought had crossed her mind a couple times after the past few days, but she had always been too afraid to act on it. But now she needed the advice more than ever. She needed someone who wasn't so involved in the craziness that was her job. So she swallowed her pride and picked up the phone.

_"Hi pumpkin, is everything okay? You don't usually call on week days."_

Her words got caught in her throat, "no, not really. Are you free this weekend?"

_"Honey, I'm free every weekend."_

She huffed out a laugh, a small smile creeping on her lips, "you're right. You need to get out more, old man."

_"It's kind of hard, all things considering."_

She sighed, "I'm sorry I don't call more."

 _"You're a busy girl, I wouldn't expect you to have much time to think about your dear old dad."_ She felt the tears, that had just dried up, prick in her eyes again.

"Still..." she whispered, the lump in her throat making it hard to speak. She jumped slightly as someone began to knock on her door. "That's my food, I should probably go. See you this Saturday?"

_"Of course. Bye Pumpkin, take care of yourself."_

"You too, Dad."

She bit the inside of her cheek as she hung up, a shadow of a smile gracing her lips.

\-----

Y/n stood by the door, attempting to calm her nerves through her breathing, but failing miserably. Her stomach knotted as she thought about what a horrible daughter she had been. She was so caught up in her own life, that she didn't even make the time to see her own father. And now she felt even worse, because she wasn't seeing him out of the kindness of her heart, but because she needed something. 

She knew he would be happy to see her either way, but she couldn't help feeling guilty. And as he stood in the doorway with his usual kind smile, she felt worse. He was so frail compared to the last time she saw him, but cancer treatment will do that to a person. 

Chemotherapy had shrunk the tumour somewhat, but not as much as the doctors had expected. And now it seems like they can't stop it from spreading. She bit down on her bottom lip, trying to distract herself from the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. 

"Hey sweetheart," Y/n's dad opened the door wider for her, before furrowing his brow. "No Spencer today?" 

Now the second thing she felt guilty about sprung into her brain. Spencer may be an asshole, but she felt absolutely horrible for lying to him all week. It was eating her up inside. Thank god her mother wasn't there to dish out her ' _I told you so's_ ', she would probably loose it otherwise. 

She walked in taking a seat on the couch, her father taking a seat in the arm chair. "Uh no we kind of uh-" She stumbled over her words as she tried to get them out, "we broke up."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that honey, he seemed like a really great guy." His voice was so calming, it was exactly what she needed. However, now she couldn't stop herself from shedding a few tears.

"He was." She whispered, catching a tear with her thumb, whilst trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Pumpkin," He leaned over, taking her hand, "are you crying?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." She sniffled, catching more of her tears as they escaped her eyes. "Y/n has emotions, who would have thought?" she huffed out a sad yet sarcastic laugh.

"Are you okay, honey?" 

Y/n shook her head, her hands shaking as she gave up trying to wipe away her tears. Her face red and puffy as she began choking on sobs. Everything was hurting so goddamn much, and she didn't know what to do. 

"I'm in deep shit, dad." She scoffed at herself, "like colossal shit."

"Y/n, I'm sure you think it's worse than it is." 

She had a habit of being overdramatic, but this time she was being nothing of the sort. She ran her hands over her face, screwing her eyes shut. "Want a bet?" She opened one of her eyes to look at him, concern written all over his face. "You're getting another grandchild, and it's not from Leah or Angela." 

His face softened, "are you joking?" 

Y/n blew out a breath, shaking her head lightly. Her dad held her hand tight in his, an uncharacteristic look in his eyes. They looked glassy, his face flush. "Sweetheart, you may think this is horrible. But children are a wonderful thing. Your mother won't want you knowing this, but we were not expecting Angela. I didn't think I could be a dad, I didn't know if I wanted to be one. But in the end, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Because then we had you and then we had Leah." 

He cupped her cheek, swiping her tears with his thumb, "just know that, me and your mother will support you no matter what. Even if she doesn't show it sometimes. We love you honey, and if you need anything, we're here." 

"It's just- everything is hitting me, one after the other, and I can't keep up." Her breath hitched and her crying became uncontrollable, "I don't have any time to process anything." 

She hiccuped, "First I get uh- hurt, and then you, and then the tri-, and then Spencer breaks up with me. _And now this?"_ She held her stomach tight, "I don't have any time to breath, I just want to breath. I need- I need time dad. I don't have any time." 

He took her into his arms, holding her head close to her chest, "you haven't told him, have you?" She shook her head, soaking his shirt with her tears. "How long has it been since you've taken some proper time off?" 

She scoffed, "I don't really think I have." 

"Well maybe you just need to clear your head, take a trip to the lake house? You always loved going there as a kid." He smiled, which almost forced a smile onto her lips as well. "Also Sam's back in town, I know he'd love to see you."

"Yeah, I might-" 

Both of their heads turned as they heard the door unlock, hearing her mothers heels click down the hallway. "Oh, Y/n. I didn't know you were coming today." 

Y/n shot her dad a look of distress, which he simply brushed off, with a gentle head nod. She breathed a sigh of relief at his assurance, their unspoken communication making her smile.

The last thing she needed was her mother knowing she was pregnant.

\-----

"Come in." Y/n stood by the door, a soft smile on her face, "oh y/n, is everything alright?" 

She took a seat before him, "you can say no, but uh- I've been thinking, and I'm wondering if I can have the rest of the week off? Use up some of my vacation days." She bit the inside of cheek, her foot tapping against the floor. 

"Well, this is a surprise." Hotch furrowed his brow, "you do have a lot of them pilling up though, so I don't see why not. As long as a big case doesn't come up, you should be fine." She nodded in answer, beginning to push herself out of the chair. "Wait, is everything okay with you? You're not one to willingly take days off."

"Yeah, I just need to get away from this place for a little bit. It can be suffocating." She crossed her arms across her body, running her hand in slow circles.

"I don't mean to pry," he leaned towards her, lowering his voice, "but does this happen to have anything to do with Reid?" 

"Partly, I just need to clear my head. I've just been really stressed, and stress isn't good for- for anyone." She cleared her throat, blinking back tears, "and I've got some uh- big decisions to make."

"I see." He bent back in his chair, "well I hope you have a relaxing rest of the week, and I'll see you back at work on Monday." 

She said her goodbyes to most of the team, packed up her desk and went home. She sat staring at the ceiling, like she did most nights, her hands clasped over her stomach. She jolted up, swallowing down any doubts she had. 

The dial tone filled her ears, causing more dread then she's expected-

_"Y/n?"_

She smiled as she heard his voice, it had been a long time since they last had spoken. "Hey Sam, I heard you're back in town." 

_"Yeah, I've been up for a few weeks already, came to visit my folks."_ He chuckled slightly. God how she missed it, but she didn't realise how much until now. _"I'm assuming your mom told you I was back."_

She giggled, "my dad actually, but good guess." 

She swears every time she speaks to her mother, she always brings him up. Y/n's convinced she had their wedding planned since they were kids. Her Mom always loved Samuel, they seemed perfect for each other, but as time went on, they drifted apart. Although when they came back together again, it was like no time had passed. 

"Well I'm going to the lake house tomorrow, like we used to, if you want to come. I know it's late notice-" 

_"I'll come."_

"Really!?" 

_"Yeah, any excuse to get away from my parents, I've decided to stay here one week too long."_

"Well that's great. Uh- I guess I'll pick you up tomorrow morning? How does ten sound?" 

_"That sounds perfect."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't think i've mentioned how much i adore you all. i love reading your comments and im so thankful for your support. ahhhh i just love you guys
> 
> anyway have an amazing day, take care of yourselves 
> 
> -A


	25. The Truth

\-----

_"Well that's great. Uh- I guess I'll pick you up tomorrow morning? How does ten sound?"_

_"That sounds perfect."_

_\-----_

Spencer knew she had been avoiding him. He couldn't blame her, he didn't want to be around him either. But as he sat in the bullpen, Y/n was no where to be found. It was now around lunch time, if she was coming into work, she would already be in by now.

He wasn't surprised exactly, but she seemed to be getting better, so it was a shock to see her missing work again, after taking multiple sick days a week or so before. His heart sunk in his chest slightly. He loved seeing her, even if it was just from afar, knowing she was around gave him some sort of comfort.

He slumped in his chair. Now he had no real reason to be in the office. He often finished his paperwork quite quickly, and then would ask others around him if they needed more help, just so he could keep and eye on her. But since she wasn't there, what was the point?

"Hey Spence, are you alright?" Spencer jumped slightly as he heard JJ's voice behind him.

"Yeah," he cleared his throat, settling back into his seat, his heart rate returning to normal.

"You just seem, I don't know, off." She rested against his desk, "are you sure you're fine?"

"I don't know. I'm just thinking..." He trailed off, staring at y/n's desk. Noticing the frame that once held the both of them, missing from where it usually sat.

"You're always thinking, don't you think you should take a break, relax a little. I know Morgan and Prentiss are going out tonight, maybe you should go with them. You haven't been to any team outings since-"

"Do you know why y/n is out today?" He didn't even realise he cut her off, his train of thought immediately leading him back to her. Like it always did.

"So that's what this is about." She sighed, moving a chair to sit beside him, "and I don't know why she isn't here, I'm sorry."

"She's been acting weird lately, right? It's not just me?" He asked, still staring at the empty space where he used to hold a place.

"A little, but I think you're just over analysing things."

"Did she ever tell you why we broke up?" He finally turned to face her, ripping his gaze from where y/n would usually be.

"No. I don't really think she's told anyone. She has always been quite private when it comes to people she cares about deeply." There was a pregnant pause between them, he saw JJ open and close her mouth a few times. "Why did you break up?"

"Because- because I couldn't stand hurting her anymore."

JJ placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, running her other hand up and down his back. "Spence, I don't think-"

"-It was all my fault. Nothing would have ever happened if- if I had just left her alone." He attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, his eyes going glassy.

"What do you mean?" A notch formed between her brow.

"Do you remember when we had that case, where y/n went in without back and I- I had-"

"-Yes I remember it."

"Well, I was quite upset after, so I may or may not have gone over to her place to give her a piece of my mind." He huffed a laugh, the memory feeling bittersweet on his tongue as he spoke. "That was the first night I kissed her. It was also the first night, that I realised, that maybe I didn't hate her."

He shut his eyes, "It's because of me- It's because after that, I couldn't stop myself from- from loving her."

"You can't blame yourself Spencer, relationships are a two way street." She continued her gentle circle on his back, "I'm sure if it wasn't that night, it would have been another night, or some time later down the track. You have to admit, there was too much chemistry between the two of you for nothing to happen."

"Maybe." He sighed, running a hand through his hair and pinching the bridge of his now. "But it's my fault for hurting her this time, and now I think she's lying to me. About something, really, _really big_ , and I don't know what to do."

"Have you tried talking to her?"

"Yes, of course I have. But she shuts me down every time, but this is too important to ignore." He shrugged, digging his palm into his eye.

"I think you just need to keep trying. And if it's really that important, I'm sure she'll be honest eventually." All Spencer could do was nod as JJ squeezed his shoulder, "I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful."

"No it's okay, I just have to work this shit out on my own."

With one last comforting squeeze, JJ left.

Even though he burnt the bridge between them, he needed to find a way to rebuild it. It was suffocating, watching her hide from him. It was even more suffocating, knowing he was causing her to do so.

But he loved her, and needed to find a way to make things right. If not for them, then for the hunch he had.

\------

As as he sat at his desk, with no work and y/n no where in site, for the third day in a row, he couldn't help getting worried. Was she okay? Did he asking her what he did, drive her away? Was this all _his_ fault again?

Fire ran through his veins, as the stress and anxiety set in. He had practically asked the whole team where she was. He'll admit, it felt kind of creepy and stalker-ish, but she was scaring him. So he decided to ask the one person that had to know what was going on.

"Hey Hotch?" He knocked on his office door, hesitantly inching it open. "I was just wondering if you knew where y/n was?"

"Why are you asking?" Hotch had both a skeptical and protective look in his eyes.

"Just curious." He knew Hotch could tell he wasn't exactly being truthful, but he answered anyway.

"She took the rest of the week off, she'll be back on Monday."

And before his brain could keep up, he was already at Garcias office door. Was it stupid? Yes. Was he desperate? _Of course._

In his head, it was better to track where she was and her online activity, then to physically go to her apartment and check if she was okay. She probably wouldn't even answer the door for him. So this was the next best option.

"Garcia I need a favour."

"Anything for my boy genius." She replied with a smile.

"Can you track Y/n's phone-"

"-Anything but that." She held up a finger to stop him. "Are you asking me to track your _ex-girlfriend_ , that's seriously creepy dude."

"I'm just worried-"

"-I'm sure you are. But if something was wrong, Hotch and Emily would be doing something about it." She reprimanded him.

" _Please_ Garcia. I really need to know, it's super important." She crossed her arms over her chest, looking away from him, not budging. "I'll buy you anything you want from that bakery down the street. I know you love their donuts." He whispered, seeing her lips twitch at the prospect.

"Ugh- only because you're worried. But I am not doing anything else for you... _ever._ " She pointed at him, "ever, you hear me?"

"Yes, deal." He looked at her screen as she began to quickly type, pulling up screens and tabs. After a moment, she stopped, the image of a map popping up on the monitor.

"She seems to be at a cabin almost two hour's from here. She's been there for the past three days." Spencer memorised the address she had on screen, before slipping out the door.

"Thank you Garcia. You're a life saver."

"Don't do anything stupid, Reid. _I mean it._ "

But her voice barely reached his ears, as he already made his way into the bullpen, packed up his things and took the elevator down and out of the building.

\-----

If he thought asking Hotch where Y/n was, was creepy. This was worse.

_So much worse..._

It felt like his body was acting out of impulse, doing things before his mind even had a say. And as he drove down the highway, his thoughts finally caught up to him.

What the fuck was he doing?

This was a total invasion of her privacy. There was no way she wouldn't be incredibly furious, but he couldn't seem to find a bone in his body that cared. He had her playlist on, like he usually did these days, the speakers blaring, as he got closer and closer to where she was.

Now he was feeling nervous. How angry would she be? He knew he would be pretty upset if someone tracked down where he was in order to just 'check if he was alright'.

But the adrenaline started to kick back in as soon as he saw that he was five minutes away. Five minutes to turn back around and pretend like he wasn't stalking down his ex-girlfriend. Five minutes to go back and possibly not fuck up things further. 

But he just couldn't do it. There was tiny voice in his head that was urging him to continue.

_Four minutes away..._

If anything this would show y/n just how much he actually care for her. Right?

_Three minutes away..._

Or it could drive her further away, and there was no chance of him getting the answers he needed. 

_Two minutes away..._

But she did say she would always love him. So what's the harm in showing her he felt the exact same way? 

_One minute away..._

But after everything he has done. Who knows how she feels now. She probably wants nothing to do with him. She probably hates him.

_Arrived..._

There was no turning back now. He drove down the long dirt track, the vision of a small cabin surrounded by trees came into view. It looked cozy. He never picture y/n as the cabin the woods type of girl, but he could see how nature would be calming, take her mind off things. Take her mind off him.

He put the car in park. He sat there for a few minutes, the internal conflict still alive as ever. His shaky feet took tentative steps towards the front door. One after the other, it took almost extreme concentration not to trip. And as his fist hit the wood door, he finally realised what he was doing. 

_He was being an idiot._

Deciding to save both himself and y/n from his stupidity, he turned around. For the first time in a couple of months, he was making the mature decision. To leave the girl he had hurt so much alone. So she could finally let him go. To finally learn to live without him, to live without his bullshit. She was taking time off to do just that, and Spencer had decided to be selfish, to follow after her when she was clearly making an effort to keep her distance-

"-Spencer?" 

_Shit._ He completely forgot he actually knocked on the door. 

"Hey." He turned back around, his voice soft, laced with embarrassment. 

"What are you doing here?" She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the door frame. 

"I was just checking if you were alright." His voice was still barely above a whisper. She didn't seem mad per se, just shocked and unimpressed. 

"Why wouldn't I be okay? Better question, _how did you find me?_ " Now she was angry, her lips slightly twitching at the sides. 

Spencer shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I may have asked Garcia to track your phone-" 

"-You what?!" She yelled, her eyes going wide, as her jaw slacked. 

"Y/n, I'm really sorry-" 

"-Yeah, you should be sorry, that was a complete invasion of my privacy. What in gods name, possessed you to do such a thing? Did it ever occur to you, that maybe I didn't tell anyone where I was, _because I didn't want you guys to know?_ " She shook her head with a scoff. 

"I just really needed to speak to you-" 

"And it couldn't wait until I got back?" Her words were sharp, Spencer almost flinching at the force. 

"I was worried." He whispered. 

"It isn't your job to worry, Spencer. It isn't your job to do anything, since you made it clear that you were _done_ with me." Although she was seething, he took a few cautious steps forward, so they were now standing only a meter apart. 

"Y/n I said a lot of things I didn't-" 

"-Y/n is everything alright out there?" A low voice from inside the house echoed out. Spencer furrowed his brow, as y/n seemed to fold into herself. 

"It's okay Sam, I'm fine." The mysterious voice made an appearance anyway. Spencer swallowed as he stood beside y/n, his hand on her back. 

"Are you sure?" He asked her, flashing a few protective glares Spencers way. 

She payed him no mind, instead keeping her eyes on Spencer, a new found calmness to her voice, "I'm only here one more day, _go home Spencer_ , I'll talk to you later." 

She shut the door, the last thing she saw was Spencers confused face before she turned back to Sam. "Is that your baby daddy?" He joked, ushering her back into the kitchen. She was happy to hear a car engine turn on, then the sound of tires on the dirt road moving away from the house. 

"In the flesh." She sighed. 

"Well dinners ready, how bout you got get Ella and we can sit down and talk about it?" She nodded in agreement, walking into the living area. Sitting on the floor was Sam's daughter, playing with a new doll y/n had gifted her. She was always such a polite and well behaved toddler, it amazed y/n how Sam could do so well on his own. 

Sam always gave such great advice, and y/n needed it more than ever. He had been a single parent for almost two years now, and seeing that her and Spencer most likely wouldn't get back together, she had to learn how to do things on her own. 

"So he tracked your phone?" Sam laughed, as they cleared the plates from the table. 

"Yup, he has always been quite protective and stupid in that way. Is it bad that I kind of understand why he did it?" She leaned against the counter top, lulling her head back. 

"Well you did lie to him, and he is a genius profiler, so he could probably tell something was off." He pursed his lips, helping Ella out of her seat. 

"I need to tell him." She sighed, "I just think it's kind of unfair not to, he really is worried." She looked down at her hands, "He'll probably be super angry that I lied to him though." She cringed. 

"Well you have to tell him eventually, and the longer you leave it the worse it'll get." 

\-----

"So you want me to stay in the bathroom while you tell him, because?" Emily trailed off, looking at y/n's game face. 

"Because he might try to choke me to death for lying." Y/n finished with a nod. 

"Reid just doesn't seem like the homicidal type though." Emily shrugged, sitting herself down on the bed. 

"You'd be surprised." 

_*Knock, knock, knock*_

"Shit, he's here," Y/n's eyes widened, "go in the bathroom, now!" She took Emily's arm, dragging her into the bathroom. "Don't make a sound." She whispered, watching Emily playfully zip her lips with a smirk.

With a deep breath she opened the door, the image of Spencer with his hands tucked deep within his pockets before her. "You're here." 

"Yeah, you did invite me." He huffed out a laugh. She gestured for him to come inside, both of them standing awkwardly in the living room. 

"Would you like some water, or tea, or coffee. I know you like coffee, wait is it too late in the afternoon for coffee?" She rambled. 

Spencer pursed his lips, "water is fine, thanks." 

With a nod, she whisked away into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, and placing it on the coffee table before Spencer, who was now sitting on the couch. 

"Can I ask why I'm here?" He questioned, taking a sip from the glass. 

"Because I uh, may or may not have something to tell you?" Spencers blank expression was scaring her. This could go one of two ways; he could either be completely fine and loving and happy. Or he could freak out and scream at her and leave her feeling even worse than she already did. 

"I'm going to need you to not freak out when I tell you okay?" She continued, sitting next to him on the couch and turning to face him. She unknowingly clasped her fingers over her stomach, her hands rising and falling as she breathed. 

"Why would I freak out?" He probed, his expression still apathetic, however he was now bouncing his leg. 

"Because it's freak out kind of news? I know I did." She swallowed, willing herself to keep eye contact with him. 

"Well now I'm scared," he let out a sad laugh, "can you just tell me? I promise I won't freak out, or be angry, or be anything that you're scared about." He said kindly, her heart began to melt as flashes of the old Spencer, _her Spencer_ , shone through. "I can even turn around if you'd like?" He pointed with his thumb behind him. 

She giggled, "you don't need to turn around." 

She reached out her hand, blowing out a long breath, he took it, interlacing his fingers with hers. And for some reason, now she wasn't absolutely terrified, like she was before. Because when she looked into his eyes, she only saw openness. Maybe she had him all wrong, maybe she shouldn't be as scared as she was. 

"Spencer, I lied to you." And as soon as she said those simple words, his grasp got tighter, like he knew what she was about to say. But the way he was holding her didn't feel like a worry grip, it felt like one of anticipation... one of hope. 

"I know I shouldn't have, but it's just- it has been really hard." She sighed, a sad laugh leaving her lips. "Please don't be angry." She shut her eyes, whispering her plea, almost to herself rather than to him. 

"I'm- fuck this is harder then I expected." 

With one more swallow, she pushed out the words.

"Spencer, _I'm pregnant_." 

A notch formed between his eyes, but it was soft, and kind, and loving. And deep within, there was a shadow of a smile. 

_"Oh."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was reading another fic today and I realised just how dialogue heavy all of my fics are. idk if that's weird or not. it kind of makes sense since i want to be a screen writer right?
> 
> im just wondering if people prefer more description, but i feel like im just a really concise writer, so its kinda hard
> 
> lol ya'll probs dont care
> 
> chile anyways so
> 
> if you read 'pleasure to meet you' you already know this, but for the people who don't. i just wanted to say that i'm considering taking down 'use your words' I just don't love that story anymore and I feel like it doesn't represent the way I write and how I like my characters to be idk, we'll see. i just thought i'd mention it incase you see it disappear one day lol.
> 
> anyway have an amazing day, hope you liked the chapter
> 
> -A


	26. Christmas Special: Last Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to another special chapter of 'love is a bitch' this is my christmas gift to you all for being so amazing and lovely and ahhh. your guys' comments give me life and im so grateful to have your support. when i started writing, i never expected to garner so much attention and im just so suprised and happy that so many people have taken the time to read my stuff. 
> 
> i hope you all have a happy and safe christmas break and please look after yourselves, you all deserve a joyful, relaxing and love filled holiday. i adore you all, mwah

(before the first chapter of 'love is a bitch')

_Last Christmas:_

"I am not going if he is."

"Y/n, you really need to let this stupid feud between you two go. It's nearly Christmas, spread the love baby." Emily perched herself on the side of y/n's desk, swinging a candy cane around in her face, "are you seriously going to miss Rossi's amazing food, all because of Spencer? I don't think he's worth it." 

"She's right!" Y/n rolled her eyes, seeing Garcia waltz in, wearing a very christmassy outfit, shaking some bells. "The food is way too good to pass up, and you can always just avoid Reid." 

" _He is unavoidable_. Believe me I've tried, _many_ times before. He always seems to find me and annoy the crap out of me." She stole Emily's candy cane, ignoring the disapproving glance she got. 

"Hotch is going to be there for once, and we all know how excited you get when he comes to team outings." Garcia raised her eyebrows leaning closer towards y/n. 

Y/n put a finger in the air to stop her, "don't tempt me." 

\------

"I'm not going if she is." 

"Reid you can't keep doing this." Morgan lightly hit Spencer on the arm, "she has been on the team what? A year now?" 

"Three-Hundred and eighty-seven days." 

Morgan furrowed his brow, "exactly, and you two have had it out for each other since day one. Don't you think it's time to drop it?"

"I'll drop it, when she apologises." 

"Apologises for what, Reid?" Morgan chuckled, shaking his head. 

"Making a fool out of me on her first case with the bureau. I bet she was too self absorbed to even realise she cut me off." 

"Is he still complaining about y/n's first case?" JJ strolled into the break room, multiple empty coffee mugs in hand. 

"Yes!" Morgan exclaimed, "can you please tell him he's being irrational?" 

"Oh I've tried... _many times_." She turned on the coffee machine, brewing another pot. 

"Is that y/n's mug?" Spencer pointed to the plain cup sitting on the counter next to Garcias, that had way too much pink and glitter on it for its own good.

"Yes?" JJ dragged out the word, "why?"

"Could you maybe put salt in it, or something?" Spencer lowered his voice leaning in to get closer to the others. JJ and Morgan's jaws slack slightly as they stared at him.

"Spence, I want you to rethink what you just said, and realise how stupid you sound." She let out a small chuckle, Morgan still shaking his head. 

"Suck it up princess, it's one night. If anything you can just avoid her." Morgan shrugged, before ruffling Spencers hair. 

"Believe me, I've tried before. She always seems to find me. It's like her existence is purely to annoy me." He complained, fixing his hair. 

"Maybe if you gave y/n a chance, you'd see what a lovely person she is, Spence." JJ still couldn't wipe the smile off her face, as she saw Spencer struggle to piece together the fact he heard 'y/n' and 'lovely' in the same sentence. 

"I was nice at first, she's just- well she's _mean_." Spencer whined. Morgan couldn't help but laugh at his pout.

"Who's mean?" Y/n padded into the break room, "ooo, is that my coffee?" JJ nodded, handing y/n her coffee, she placed a sweet kiss on her cheek, "thank you so much JJ, I love you." 

JJ leaned into y/n's embrace, shooting Spencer an 'I told you so' glance. Spencer scoffed, "you, you're mean." 

Y/n laughed, "no shit, genius." She ruffled Spencers hair a little more than Morgan did, making it look worse than it already did. Morgan offered her his fist, bumping it lightly. 

"I hate you all." Spencer stormed out of the room, smoothing down his hair.

\-----

Spencers eyes widened as she entered the kitchen, her arm linked with Hotch's. She seemed to be sucked into an in depth conversation about something, her smile beginning to light up the room as she walked through. He'll admit, he always found y/n attractive, but tonight was something different entirely. She floated in, with this almost glow about her. The red satin dress she wore hugged each of her curves perfectly, her curls cascading down her back. He almost drooled at the site of her. 

She looked fucking hot. 

"Spot something you like Reid?" Spencer almost choked on his water, as Morgan crept up behind him, heavily placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"Your favourite is here!" Y/n let go of Hotchs arm, raising her hands above her head with a wide grin. 

"Bella! So glad you could make it." Rossi glided past Spencer, kissing both of her cheeks, "you too, boss." He said, nodding towards Hotch.

Y/n skipped past, ruffling Spencers hair, eliciting a chuckle from Morgan. Spencer promptly elbowed him in the side. 

And suddenly the glow about her vanished. Only leaving his pure hatred for her. But still, there was twinge of admiration in his glare, as he watched the smile on her face only get bigger.

"Okay, where's the wine?" Y/n cheered, leaning against the counter top. She took a bottle from Rossi, pouring herself and Prentiss a large glass, "one for the genius?" She asked. 

"Uh no thanks, not really looking to get wasted tonight." He replied, rolling his eyes ever so slightly. 

"Are you just assuming I'm going to get hammered?" She squinted. 

"Yes." He said bluntly, watching her scoff. 

"For that you're having a glass, maybe two." She handed him one, filling it way too much. 

"You can't _make_ me drink anything." He looked down at the glass, then moving his gaze to rest on y/n, a small smirk appearing on her lips. 

"Technically, that's true." She crossed her arms over her chest, "but you're going to drink anyway. Because I bet fifty dollars, that you're a lightweight, and you can't last as long as me." She shrugged. 

"Fine." He gently placed his glass down, offering out his hand, "game on." 

"Shaking hands now are we, Doctor Reid?" She shook his hand, "this must be serious." She mocked. 

"Are you sure you want to do this, Reid?" Morgan chuckled, before Spencer put up a hand to stop him. 

"Yes, because I never loose, and I'm not going to start tonight." 

Y/n raised an eyebrow, "well then." She leaned over, lowering her voice, "may the odds be ever in your favoured."

\-----

Let's just say, Spencer was struggling to keep up. Y/n had three full glasses of wine in just under an hour. They weren't small glasses either, and she seemed to be downing them one after the other. "Is someone finding it hard to keep up?" Y/n would constantly tease. He was finding it hard, but he'd merely shake his head and chug what was left in his glass. 

Not only was he facing scrutiny from y/n, but from the rest of the team as well. However, as the glasses kept getting poured, he could tell y/n was beginning to loose it. Her face was flushed and her words were starting to slur together. But Spencer seemed to be able to keep his cool, for now at least. 

"I propose a toast," Y/n shakily stood, holding her now fifth glass high in the air. "To you, Spencer Reid, and to the fifty dollars and bragging rights I will have sitting in my pocket, by the end of tonight." She pointed at him with a drunken smile. 

"Well I protose- _propose_ a toast, as well." Spencer pushed himself to his feet a little too fast, almost falling over. "To you, miss Y/n Y/l/n, because at the end of tonight _I_ will have a crisp fifty dollar note, and bragging rights."

"I don't think so," she slurred, pointing a finger in his face. 

He pushed it aside, "well that's too bad, because I know I'm already winning." 

"You so are not, nope, nopety nope. No way." She sung, cocking her head to side. 

"Okay, then go over there," he pointed to hallway beside the dining room,"and walk in a straight line." 

"Fine." She pushed her chair back, stumbling over. She curtsied, before starting to walk, she took slow shaky steps, before tripping over her feet, "shit. This is unfair, I'm wearing heels." 

"I told you I was winning." He smirked, earning a fist pump from Derek. 

"I'm sure you're not much better. Come over, I'm taking my shoes off, and we're going to walk in a straight line together." She challenged. He huffed, pushing himself out of his seat and almost tripping over his own feet. He was clumsy at the best of times, but the alcohol was definitely making it worse. 

He made his way over, standing beside her, "ready, set, go." They began to walk, y/n sped up a bit, before shoving him to the side. "Ha!" 

"Okay, that's cheating." He whined. 

"You never specifically said pushing was against the rules." She grinned. His jaw clenched before he lightly pushed her to the side. 

_Big mistake._

She came back harder, forcing them both to plummet to the ground. Y/n sat practically straddling him, finding it hard to breath as she laughed.

"Y/n get off of me, do you know how dirty this floor is?" He wiped his hands on her arms as she broke down laughing even more.

"Aww is poor Spencie sad because of some germs?" She cooed, starting to tickle him. 

"Hey!" Rossi called, their giggling stopped, their heads flicking to look at him. "I clean my floors, young man." 

They both broke out in a fit of laughter, y/n flopped down onto his chest. His breath almost hitched at how close she was. Her perfume smelt like spring mornings and when she brushed her hair over her shoulder to look at him, he swears the world stopped for a moment. But as soon as it started, it was over, she got up and offered him a hand. He skeptically took it, standing up and almost falling into her again. 

"I'm going to have another glass." She swirled around, stalking back to the table. 

\-----

"You know, if you weren't such an asshole, maybe I'd find you attractive." Y/n leaned against the wall, wine glass in hand. She slid down until she sat on the floor, Spencer following suit. 

"I could say the same thing about you." He laughed, his words mushing together, until they were almost incoherent. The alcohol had definitely made him drop more than a couple of IQ points. 

They had been stuck to each others side practically the whole night, laughing and whispering to each other. Spencer continued, "when you walked in, I was like, wow I would totally fuck this girl, if she wasn't always so mean to me." 

Y/n gasped, "did you just swear, golden boy?" 

He chuckled, "maybe." 

"Do you want to know a secret?" She leaned in, covering her mouth with her hand, "I was thinking the exact same thing as you. When you roll up your sleeves, I think it's so fucking hot." She smirked, her gaze darting between his lips and his eyes. 

"Really." He whispered back, furrowing his brows. She nodded, "well maybe I should do that more often then." 

"Please." She bit her lip. 

They stared at each other like their lives depended on it. Like the other held every beautiful thing in the world in the palm of their hand. And as y/n's smile began to grow, Spencer couldn't help feeling himself smile too. They began to laugh again, their faces inching closer and closer together. 

"What is it about you, Doctor Reid?" She whispered, tilting her head to the side. 

Spencer shrugged, a drunken smirk still plastered on his face, "why don't you come back to my place and find out." He whispered back, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. 

The team watched in awe, as the BAU's unhappiest couple sat in the corner of Rossi's living room, smiling almost lovingly at each other. 

"Woah." Emily stared, her jaw slightly slacked.

"It's a Christmas miracle." Penelope clasped her hands together, leaning her face against them.

"They're just wasted, don't get your hopes up baby girl." Morgan slung his arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer to him, before she defeatedly rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh. 

"But they'd be such a great couple." She pouted, looking up at him.

Morgan chuckled, "I know, just good luck convincing them of that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i just wanted to add one last authors note to say that i am so incredibly grateful for your support and the love you've given to this fic. your comments always make me smile and have brightened my day many times. you don't understand how much of a safe haven writing is for me, especially now as im not in an amazing place mentally, and seeing that people enjoy reading my stuff really gets me through shit. 
> 
> so all im saying is thank you so much for taking the time to read and interact it means so fucking much to me. 
> 
> again have a safe and merry christmas, filled with love and joy and everything else good in the world. you all deserve it 
> 
> i love you guys 
> 
> -A


	27. A Tiny Bit of Hope

\-----

 _"Spencer,_ _I'm pregnant_."

_A notch formed between his eyes, but it was soft, and kind, and loving. And deep within, there was a shadow of a smile._

_"Oh."_

_\-----_

He sat there for a moment, as his heart pounded in his chest. He could hear her speaking, but the words merged together in his head. It was as if he was under water, drowning. He was expecting this. He can't explain how much he was expecting this, but now that it was out in the open, it was as if his body shut down. However he wasn't stressed. There was this weird sensation filling his body. 

Hope. 

Hope for their shared future. Hope for the family he always wanted with her-

"-Spencer!?" He snapped out of his daze, moving his line of sight from her stomach to her eyes. "So you're not mad?" 

"Why would I be mad?" He squinted, his vision still slightly hazy. 

"Because I lied-" Her ramble faded into oblivion, his focus back on her stomach. He counted her breaths, watched her hands that were clasped together, rise and fall and she inhaled and exhaled. 

"How far along?" He swallowed, cutting her off. 

"Nearly ten weeks." She replied, he reached out his hands tentatively, she nodded her head. "There's nothing there yet." She laughed nervously, as he placed his hands on her stomach. When he looked up to meet her gaze, he didn't realise how close they were. He offered a soft smile and she returned the favour. 

"Shit." Y/n jolted, her eye's going wide, "I almost completely forgot. You can come out Emily, everything's fine." She called, Spencer furrowed his brow as she Prentiss walked out of the bathroom. 

"Emily?!" he stared at her, "what? What are you?" he stuttered. 

"Y/n wanted me here incase you tried to choke her for lying." She said nonchalantly, going into the kitchen and grabbing herself a glass of water. 

"Choke you?" Spencers brows knitted further together. Was she really that scared of him? 

Y/n grimaced, shrugging, "it was mostly a joke." 

"Mostly?!" He shrieked. 

"Thanks Em, you can go now." She evaded Spencer, jumping up and ushering Emily out of the door. She closed it softly, pressing her back it with her eyes closed. "Listen Reid, I was just scared you'd yell at me or something, not necessarily choke me, although you have-" She cut herself off, "I didn't know what you'd do, I know I would be pretty angry if someone kept something like this from me." 

He sighed, moving over to her and taking her hands, "I don't want you to ever be afraid of me," he whispered. There was a moment of longing, a moment of comfort, between the two of them. A moment where it felt like they had never parted at all. 

"I almost forgot," she let go of his hands, leaving him slightly colder than he was a moment ago. She rushed into her room, before returning and handing him a photo. It was a black and white image of her seven week ultrasound. "Emily made me get extras, so this one is for you." 

He almost teared up, it felt so different staring at it. It felt so much more real. Again, he should be more stressed than he was. Now he had two things he loved and needed to protect. The reason he broke up with Y/n in the first place came rushing back. What if-

He cut himself off. No what ifs Spencer. 

A sense of overwhelming joy filled his body, he was going to be a father. Like he always wanted. 

"How are you feeling?" He clutched the photo in his hands, staring back at the woman he so desperately cared about. 

"Well I still get nauseous, but it hasn't been as bad this week-" 

"-No," he shook his head, "how are you feeling, about all this." He slightly lifted the sonogram, "I know you never wanted this."

She merely smiled, taking his hand again, "that's uh- that's true. But I've made peace with it... somewhat. And I know you always wanted to be a dad, and I realised, that sharing a child with you... maybe wouldn't be so bad." She huffed out a laugh, "and I have to admit, I've grown quite attached to the little peanut." 

Spencer chuckled, taking one last look at the sonogram, Y/n's voice in his ear, "would you like to stay for dinner? I could go through what my doctors have told me and the information packages." 

He nodded with a grin. 

Not only was he going to be a father, but he would have her by his side

\-----

"Y/l/n, you're the closest to the scene, me and Reid are five minutes behind you. The rest of the team will also be there shortly. Go in, but be careful." Hotch spoke into the speaker, as he turned on the sirens. 

"Yes sir." Y/n replied.

Spencer felt a sharp pain in his chest, his heart beginning to pump blood around his system faster than usual. "Y/n please wait for us." Spencer blurted out. 

He heard her sigh, "Reid, it'll be fine. I've done this a thousand times-" 

"-Yeah, and how many of those times have you gotten hurt?" He rebutted, his jaw and fists beginning to clench. 

"I don't have time to fight with you Spencer, I'm going in." She huffed, as he heard her car door close on the other end of the line. 

"Reid." He heard Hotch warn, but chose to ignore it.

"Y/n, this isn't a discussion. Wait for us!" He said firmly, hearing yet another sigh from y/n's end. 

"No." The call ended and Spencers eye's went wide with worry. He hit his fists against the dash board, exhaling a sharp breath.

"We'll have a discussion about whatever that was later. But right now, I need you to stop stressing and focus. Y/l/n is a good agent and she can handle herself." Hotch pressed his foot on the gas a little harder. 

Spencers jaw still tight, he shook his head slightly, "but-"

"-I don't want to hear it." Spencers knuckles turned white as he dug his nails into his hand, seeing Hotch's jaw clench. The outside blurred together and Spencer became more and more furious. But what was more prominent, was his fear. He was so fucking scared. He couldn't loose something he didn't even have yet, it would hurt too much. 

Agents got hurt everyday, it was part of the job, it came with the territory. But not every agent had something depending so completely on them for their life. The chances of something going wrong weren't as low as he'd like, and Y/n could also be quite reckless at times. Not a good mix. 

The SUV was wrenched into park. As Hotch placed his hand on the car door handle, he paused and looked at Reid, who was still clearly fuming. "You either collect yourself, or you don't come in with me."

"Yes sir." He bit his tongue and pushed down his worry, climbing out of the car and following behind Hotch into the small run down house. The smell was overwhelming, even for Spencer. The scent of rotting flesh and death filled the air and his stomach, the stench only becoming more potent, as they ventured further into the house and down the basement stairs. The crunching of glass under his feet and the sound of y/n faint voice filled the air. 

His ears were haunted by the rushing of his blood, as he took one last step down the stairs, a door meeting them at the end. Hotch pushed open the door. The image presented in front of Spencers eyes was enough to make his heart beat even faster. It wasn't any different than he had done many times before, but seeing y/n risk it, was terrifying. 

She was slowly placing her gun on the ground, talking down the unsub, shooting the two of them warning glances. The compulsion to jump in front of her was almost overwhelming, but Hotchs voice was echoing in his ears. Spencer knew better. And as the unsub lowered his gun, dropping it on the floor, Spencer breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He ran up to Y/n, wrapping his arms around her, as Hotch pushed the unsub against the wall. Y/n wriggled out of his grip, attending to victim. 

She glared at him as she ushered the traumatised young woman back up the basement stairs. Spencer shut his eyes momentarily, feeling Hotch brush him, before he followed after the two of them. The rest of the team greeted them outside the house. Y/n made a conscious effort to avoid him, but Spencer was on a war path. As soon as Y/n parted from the victim and made her way over to Hotch, he stormed over.

"What were you thinking?" He said calmer then he expected, a notch between his brows.

"I was thinking, that there was an unsub trying to kill a young girl and I had to do everything in my power to talk him down." She said stone faced, a slight bit of anger bubbling to the surface. 

"Even if it meant getting hurt?!" He yelled, the eyes of the rest of the team and others at the scene turning to face the small group. 

Hotch looked as if he was about to say something, but y/n promptly cut him off, "it's part of the job, we get hurt and we get back up. If you can't deal with that, maybe you shouldn't be in this line of work." She spat, brushing off Hotchs hand on her shoulder. 

"How can you be so reckless?" He said quietly, shaking his head.

"Why can't you learn to trust me?" She questioned, her jaw slightly slack, the rest of her body tense, preparing physically to defend herself from emotional blows. 

"It's not that I don't trust you-" He licked his lips, swallowing thickly. 

"-You have done this before Spencer. You can't expect me to just drop everything to make you feel more comfortable." Spencer could see the rest of the team inching towards them, Emily a few steps closer than the rest. "I understand that you're worried about me-" 

"-Well you're not only one I have to worry about anymore, y/n" He let out, the words leaving his lips before he could even think. 

"What is he talking about y/l/n?" Hotch asked, being ignored by the couple stuck in their own world.

Y/n sighed, "Spencer stop while you're ahead-"

"You're going to get them hurt, if you keep doing this. You can't keep doing this." He kept going, taking a few steps towards her, Y/n taking steps back away from him. 

"Spencer, I mean it." She warned. 

"And I mean it. I'm worried, actually I'm fucking terrified." Tears pricked in his eyes.

"Don't, not here." She whispered, finally letting him get close to her. Y/n's eyes brimmed with tears, becoming red and puffy. 

"I'm terrified for you and for them. I can't loose you, not again." He took a hold of her shaky hands, paying no mind to his colleagues standing mere meters away. 

"You're not going to loose me." She cupped his cheek, "I promise. But you have to _trust_ me, or none of this is going to work." She wiped away a tear from under his eye, as he nodded. "You have to trust that I will never let _anything_ happen them." She whispered in his ear. 

"I'm sorry." He buried his face in the crook of her neck, his tears beginning to soak her shirt. She ran her fingers through his hair, whispering in his ear. 

"I love you." He let out so softly he didn't think she would hear it. But as she pulled him into her more tightly he knew she did, and a warm comfort filled his entire body. 

"When we get back, I need to see both of you in my office." Hotch said in passing, as Y/n guided Spencer back to the SUV, Morgan and Prentiss in toe. 

She offered a soft smile of reassurance, her hand clasped around his, hovering over her stomach. 

"Everything will be okay. We'll be okay." She let out under her breath, pressing a soft kiss on his cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are only five chapter and an epilogue after this which is crazy
> 
> again i am so thankful for you support and i love yall to death 
> 
> -A


	28. Twelve Letters, Four Words

\-----

_"Everything will be okay. We'll be okay." She let out under her breath, pressing a soft kiss on his cheek._

\-----

Deja Vu was a funny thing. Or was it deja vere? She swears she had seen this moment before. In the physical world or a dream, she couldn't quite distinguish. But the moments ticked by, just like they had every other time she sat in Hotch's office with Spencer by her side. But every time it was never anything good.

The first time, she distinctly remembers, was one month after starting the job. She was still so new, but she already felt at home. With everyone but Spencer. Like always he was cold. Probably running through how long the meeting would approximately take, so he could count down the seconds until her could make his escape. Whisking away down the stairs back to his desk so he could promptly ignore y/n for the rest of the day.

And that first time sitting in Hotchs office with Spencer by her side was permeating in her mind. The way Hotchs voice raised just loud enough to ooze authority, but not loud enough to terrify her, which she knew wasn't the goal. It had been after a case where Spencer and Y/n had gotten into a fight about the geographical profile in front of the whole precinct and other poor souls that happened to be passing by. Although she didn't have an eidetic memory, she could still remember the exact conversation. _'Unprofessional and childish'._ Were the words Hotch used.

She guessed he wasn't exactly going to be saying those things this time. She predicted the conversation would be a lot more serious and a lot more hushed. Maybe even important enough to draw the blinds closed for.

And sure enough, as Hotch closed the door, the blinds were promptly shut as well. He breathed out a sigh of both frustration and worry, as he stared at the wrecked couple in front of him. Both with red rimmed eyes and a twitch about them.

Y/n fought herself on whether to reach for Spencers hand or not. Hotch wouldn't be able to see it from where he was sitting. Not liked it mattered anymore, seeing that they had broken up and gotten back together multiple times now, with the whole team knowing.

It would calm Spencers nerves also, a plus, she thought. Since his leg shaking was getting so intense, y/n swears he might loose the limb if he continued any longer. One soft touch couldn't hurt. She had done it so many other times-

But then there was the question, could she honestly stand to give herself back to him? To build a bridge in their relationship again? Mend everything that was so terribly broken? Was this healthy?

And as her thoughts kept racing, the decision was made for her. Spencers hand shifted in his lap, before rising and resting on her knee. She still had her hands clasped in front of her, now not daring to move as his hand looked as if it was begging for her. She was swiftly cut off, as she realised the man in front of her was trying to get her attention. Her ribs tightened as she saw the notch between his brow.

He wasn't angry. Hotch looked scared, and maybe slightly disappointed. "I'm not going to ask if everything is okay between the two of you, because I know it's not." He began, his tone breathier the usual, "I'm simply going to ask you, what is going on, because whatever it is, is effecting our cases." He was stern without being forceful. She admired that about Hotch, the way he was able to perfectly balance his approach to situations.

Y/n could feel Spencers pleading eyes now turn to her, searching for answers on her face, but merely being met with a set jaw. She scrunched her eyes closed, a sigh escaping her lips. Finally she looked to him. She knitted her brows together, her jaw slightly slacked. Spencer also had a crease between his brow, his lips sewn shut, his shoulders raised in a shrug. _'We'll have to tell him eventually'_. Spencer spoke without words.

 _'I know, it's just hard',_ she said silently, hidden beneath a sigh.

 _'I'm here.'_ His touch said, as his hands moved to hover over hers.

"I-I, uh" Her voice was shaky and her mouth was so dry. Her face twitched, as she continued to try and find an answer that didn't sound so incredibly blunt. "We- we're. Uhm." She looked to Spencer once again, this time she was pleading.

"What she's trying to say is- uh that she's- we're?" But he was just as lost, just as confused. When things got complicated, y/n always knew Spencer would have the answers. But now he was dumfounded and dazed, just like she was, making matters so much worse. Finally, Spencer sighed, reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket. Y/n squinted, wondering what he would possibly be doing. But as the thin piece of photo paper glared slightly, she knew exactly what he was going on.

It was sweet really. Under different, less stressful circumstances, she might have even cracked a smile at his gesture. Spencer slid the paper onto the table, his hands visibly shaking as he pulled them away, leaving it for Hotch to pick up.

Hotch cleared his throat, getting the message loud and clear, "I-" Now he was lost for words, y/n never thought she would see the day. "Congratulations." He eventually said, pushing the sonogram back to Spencer, who tucked it back in his pocket, not after he glanced at it with a small upwards flick of his lips. "I had my suspicions, but now that it's confirmed everything seems to be clicking into place." He said, his expression apathetic.

"I'm not far along, so it'll be a while till I have to take leave. But Spencer is here so it'll be okay-" and after the multiple minutes without speaking, her mouth was suddenly filled with words to hopefully soften the blow. So the room wasn't so incredibly suffocating. So she wouldn't have to dig her nails into her palms to forget how confused she was.

"-It's fine y/n, I understand." Hotch stopped her ramble before it could even begin, "if it makes the two of you feel better, I don't have to put you in the field anymore."

"Thank you." Spencer replied.

"No it's okay." Y/n responded at the same time as Spencer, their words overlapping with disagreement and contradiction.

"Well it seems like you have some things to discuss," Hotch added, a shadow of a smile on his lips. "In the mean time, y/n take it easy. And Spencer, cut her some slack."

\-----

The past two months had been a fever dream of cases and appointments and conversations and visits and hiding. It was so incredibly exhausting, yet it felt like nothing had happened at all. She had been getting a slowly growing bump, which was getting hard to conceal, but she had managed so far. There were a few raised eyebrows from Morgan when she turned down going out one too many times, but no actual questions were posed. Which she was relieved about.

Spencer was a pain in the ass to put it lightly. Not that she didn't appreciate the caring role he took on, but he was just so insistent on everything. Sending a text every morning to to remind her to take her vitamins. Another one every breakfast lunch and dinner to remind her to eat, with specific details on how to get all the food groups in one meal. Yet another every hour to remind her to keep her fluids up. And then one last message at eleven on the dot every night to tell her to get some rest. The last was always her favourite, always signed off with a sweet dreams and a pregnancy fact to match the development of their child.

But tonight's was slightly different...

_'Today was a hard, so please get some rest, I know it's hard but I believe in you. Also, you should probably begin making an effort to sleep on your side instead of your back, so your uterus doesn't sit on the veins in your abdomen for too long, we want as much blood getting to your heart as possible. By the way, our little peanut is the size of an artichoke now! No longer a peanut anymore hey?'_

Her eyes strained as she read the incredibly long message, as per usual. But as she made it half way through, her phone vibrated, another text had been sent. 

_'I love you, sweet dreams.'_

Her heart lurched in her chest, he hadn't said it to her again since the case where he blew up at her. They had been spending a lot of time together, especially since they were now sharing a child. Although he was a pain in the ass, she did like spending time with him. He would often come over and they would talk for hours, sometimes falling asleep on the couch together. He would hold her hair back when she would get sick, supply her Tylenol for the headaches, read to her when she couldn't sleep. 

And lately the butterflies that had lived in her stomach had become restless, more than restless actually, _relentless_. Every time Spencer would breath, her stomach would flip around. It didn't help that now he was making a conscious effort to be so incredibly caring it was almost painful. Her heart would convulse in her chest when his fingers merely brushed against hers. All the emotions she had at the start of their relationship floating back. It was like she back there, that girl that was so different to the one she was today, pining over Spencer who she originally thought was a bad idea. 

But now it was a bad idea, but it didn't stop her from wanting him even more.

\-----

It was so loud. It was like nothing she had ever heard. It swirled in her ears, like waves crashing on the sand or wind swimming through the crack underneath the front door. It was overwhelming. It brought her to tears. It was so alive, yet so fragile at the same time. It was unexplainable. 

When she was finally able to pull her eyes away from the monitor, they met his. A childlike wonder in his eyes, like he'd seen the whole world sitting on a plate in front of him. Her hand had a mind of its own, reaching out to clutch his. They were like magnets, like an ellipse finally clicking together. It was so breathtaking, so absolutely and powerfully consuming. 

Their love for this being that had barely even been spoken into existence, was awe inspiring. _Love,_ she thought to herself. This was love. She had never felt it more purely. She was looking at him and all she saw was love. She didn't know if she was seeing hers, or the love he had for her or the love he had for their child, but she saw it.

"Would you like to know the gender?" 

_Shit._ She had forgotten that everything around her was still going, the world was still spinning, the universe still existed and she was living in it. When had she gotten so trapped by him again? 

They didn't even have to verbally communicate, one glance and she could see what he was saying. 

"Uh yes, yes we'd like to know." Her decision was backed up by his hand squeezing hers, and the loving gaze he shot her way. 

_Love._

There it was again. 

It had been five days since he had sent that message. She hadn't replied to it. Simply resting her head on her pillow and barley getting an hour of sleep that night. The messages resumed as normal in the morning, like the words had never been sent. She wasn't exactly happy he never brought it up again, just slightly relieved. Because if he'd sent it, or god forbid spoken it, again, she didn't think she could resist saying it back. 

But now wasn't the time. It felt wrong. She felt dirty, like she was betraying herself. Like if she let herself fall right back into him, she would be tarnished, and no amount of scrubbing or sanitising or burning would ever make her clean again. But that was saying she was ever able to rid him in the first place. 

"It seems like you're having a baby girl." The nurse said it so nonchalantly, like this wasn't some of the biggest news y/n would be receiving in her life. 

A girl. 

Why did that carry so much weight. Would she be feeling the same way if they had said a boy? Probably... probably not. 

There was just something about it. She felt sorry for her, for her daughter. She felt sorry because if she turned out anything like her mother, it would be a hard life. But she wouldn't. Because she wasn't going to be a replica of y/n. She had Spencer in her too. She probably had the best parts of him. 

She would probably have his smile, and his eyes and his gorgeous hair. She probably had his brain and his hunger for knowledge and his heart. She probably had everything that made her fall in love with him. 

And even if she had none of it. Even if she turned out the exact opposite, y/n would still love her. She could feel it. 

_Love._

God fucking damn it. 

Why did everything have to be so messy?

\-----

"A girl!" He said again, walking backwards as he stared at her. Somehow manoeuvring himself into the elevator without hitting into anything. She internally kicked herself as the butterflies erupted again, sending a fever through her veins. Why was it suddenly so hot?

"Yes Spencer, a girl." She playfully mocked. He didn't stop repeating it the whole way to the BAU. He was so incredibly ecstatic. Not just about the gender, he would have been happy if it was a boy or a girl. But they had decided to tell the team. Her bump was getting awkwardly big, and it wouldn't stop growing and the secret was beginning to eat her alive. They were her family after all, and his, why wouldn't they want to tell them? 

Even if it would be slightly awkward. 

Both Hotch and Emily knew, but now it was time to tell the rest of them. Y/n was less excited than Spencer, more nervous really. It would be a surprise to say the least. 

"I'm going to have a daughter." He trailed off into a daze. 

"Shhh, you can't be so loud." She giggled, pushing him out of the elevator and into the bullpen. 

"Sorry." He whispered with a grimace. 

They were barley able to settle down before Hotch called them into the conference room. Now Y/n's nerves were ragging. Her stomach was knotting and twisting together, she furrowed her brow, attempting to her keep her breakfast down. 

The chatter in the room was normal, it was the way it was every time they gathered together. A little rowdy, but overall pleasant. But now the noise was off putting, like a ringing in her ears, or white noise. She just wanted it to stop. But as Spencers hand on hers grounded her, y/n realised where she was and what she was doing. 

"We have something to tell you." Spencer announced, his voice somewhat shaky but overall proud. Spencer got more and more proud every day. 

"What?" Morgan leaned back in his chair, "don't tell me you got her knocked up." The room erupted with laughter, minus the people who knew. 

Y/n felt her cheeks burn, and her jaw drop open ever so slightly. She quickly closed her mouth, swallowing thickly. Spencer seemed to be able to tell y/n was internally screaming, rubbing his thumb on the outside of her hand in an attempt to sooth her. 

The silence suddenly became like a heavy weight, pressing harshly on the two of them. Y/n pleaded for Spencer to continue, to get it over with. His voice began to shake, now somewhat disheartened, "we're- Y/n and I are... we're having a daughter." 

More silence. The exact opposite of what y/n wanted. 

"Shit." Morgan retorted, blowing out a long stream of air. He looked embarrassed, he looked more than embarrassed, he look mortified. 

"Congratulations guys." JJ finally softened, Penelope following suit. Offering warm hugs and awkward pats on the back. Morgan finally meandered over, spewing out apologies, which were pushed away by the wave of Spencers hand. The air felt thick and sticky, like glue or mud. It made y/n want to recoil. It made her want to run from the room. It wasn't exactly the response they had hoped for, she could see in Spencers eyes he was sad. 

Y/n wasn't expecting it to be easy, but she knew Spencer did. The team would warm up to the idea, they had to. It was just awkward times. 

\-----

This was a bad idea. 

So incredibly stupid. When he had asked to come over, she heard a small tiny voice in the back of her mind yelling for her not to let him. But she pushed it aside, why did she push it aside? 

She had set some many ground rules for herself when it came to him. All in attempt to not let him in again. But who was she kidding. She was carrying his child. She was bound to break eventually. And break she did. 

His arms were bound tight around her as they laid under the covers. She leaned into him, gravitating towards his addictive touch. 

_Love._

Fuck love. 

Love only got her hurt. Love was too addictive for its own good. Love wasn't kind. Love was brutal and stood to tear you apart. Love was made to be felt and then wrenched away. Love was made to break you. 

She knew all these things, but she couldn't help feeling it... again.

Even when she said she wouldn't. Even when she said it wasn't healthy. Even when she said he wasn't worth it. But he was worth it. He was worth every ounce of it, because she couldn't love anyone more than she loved him. Because he was hers and she was his return. Because his hand fit so perfectly in hers. Because his heart was so synchronised with hers. Because his arms felt sound good wrapped around her. Because his was hers and hers was his. Because they were them. 

And they were together. 

_Love..._

She thought. 

So kind and patient and comforting...

But so messy and fickle and complicated and-

_Love-_

She thought. 

-love is a bitch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no words for this chapter lol
> 
> -A


	29. He Was There...

\-----

_Love-_

_She thought._

_-love is a bitch._

\-----

Quiet. It was so incredibly quiet, and still, and beautiful. Two months of more blurry faces and meaningless events and appointments and him. Two months of him and more him. Two months of conversations and touches. Two months of unspoken love... with him.

He insisted she sat down. So she did. She always listened, she knew better than to argue. He knew better. She assessed the way he laid out the glasses on the bench and hung the decorations. So methodical and precise. She wasn't precise. Y/n was messy and he completed her with his order.

Two months of denying, but doing nothing to stop it. He spent three more nights tucked under her sheets, his arms so strong around her she didn't dare move. She wouldn't allow anymore. Three times she told herself, three nights over was where she drew the line. But if he asked, she knew she would stretch it to five, then to seven, then to forever. But she couldn't help feeling he was tip toeing around her. Placing down every step, only after weighing the odds of it harming her. Which were always close to none, but his brain ran the stats anyway.

They were going to start arriving in the next half an hour. But she hadn't nearly mentally prepared herself enough. She'd been caught up staring at him, picturing him just the way he was, but with his lips on hers or on her neck or anywhere honestly. 

She deleted her search history, although no one but her was able to see it. But if they did, they would be bombarded by multiple sites flashing up houses for sale. Small houses, houses there was no way she could afford without asking her parents for a loan, apartments, town houses, lofts. The whole nine yards. When she stared at the pictures online for hours late at night, even after Spencer had messaged her to sleep, she would imagine him in them. Standing in the kitchen of the house with the large backyard and pool. In the bedroom of the house that had the dainty little fence out front and the rose bushes under the front facing windows. Standing with her... happy.

There was a gasp at the door, "every time I see you, it's like you get more and more beautiful and I see you everyday." Penelope squealed, "you're absolutely glowing." She scampered past Spencer at the door, paying him no mind, as she embraced y/n, her hold tight.

"Hi Pen." She let out, with the little air she had left. The largest grin spread across the two womens faces. But as y/n observed Spencer at the door her grin only grew. He was merely talking with Derek, like he did almost every day. But the way his hands gestured and his lips flicked up into a smile, she couldn't help but feel the pesky butterflies stirring in her stomach. Or it could just be the baby. 

"Oh my god, she's kicking!" Penelope cried, her hands resting against y/n's stomach. Guess it was the baby after all, but the warmth in her cheeks told a different story. Spencers head was the first to turn as he made a beeline straight towards her. He loved it when she kicked, he would sit with y/n every time until the movement stopped, just talking. Talking about the plans he had, about their day at work, about how much he loved his daughter. 

Derek was surprisingly the most protective, behind Spencer of course, but surpassing Hotch and Emily by a long shot. If Spencer wasn't the one reminding her to keep her fluids up, or to eat at work, or telling her to sit down, it was Derek. He was always the one to listen to Spencers rants about the baby, when Y/n was too tired to function. 

"How have you been?" Morgan asked, as Y/n sat down, allowing Spencer and Penelope to continue gawking at the small movements her daughter was making. 

"I'm okay, tired." She replied, another smile creeping on her face when Spencer kissed her stomach. "A little nervous," she admitted, blowing out a sigh.

"What is there to be nervous about? Everyone-" Morgan began, his face softening. 

He was promptly cut off by a commotion at the door, "-seriously Y/n, you need to open a window, it's incredibly stuffy in here, that is not good for the baby."

"Hi Mom." She tentatively let out, pushing herself out of her chair, swatting away Spencer who unnecessarily tried to help her to her feet. Did she really look that immobile? She thought to herself.

"Give her a break Mom," Angela remarked, moving past her into the apartment. "How are you? I hope you and Spencer are well." 

"We are," y/n glanced over her shoulder, seeing Spencer making his way over. Y/n and Angela had grown closer since the last time the family got together. Often talking on the phone or making an effort to meet for coffee. Y/n was comforted by the relationship and glad to have someone in her family she was close to, other than her father. 

"Pumpkin!" Speak of the devil. Lively but frail as ever. Y/n attempted to keep the frown creeping on her face from showing, as her dad walked through the door. He kept getting worse and she felt powerless to stop it. He was waisting away in front of her eyes and an overwhelming sense of guilt over took her body. Every time she sees him she can't help but feel like she's letting the time she has with him slip through her fingers. Like she isn't making enough of an effort. 

The rest of the guests filed into her apartment, standing within the living room and dining room, chatting amongst themselves. Y/n and Spencer did their rounds, greeting and speaking to their guests. Every time y/n felt overwhelmed she would always look to Spencer and he somehow always picked the right time to look up, offering her a comforting smile. 

Voices swirled and merged around her in an overwhelming way, but she could always pick out his, listening to him intently to calm herself down. She hates to admit there was always a commotion in her stomach whenever she would look to him. 

"How are you feeling? Do you need to sit down? I can get you some water if you'd like." He wrapped one hand snuggly around her waist, after threading through the crowd towards her. 

She giggled at his flustered state, "I'm okay Spencer, really. There is no need to worry." She could see the cogs turning in his brain, forever overheating. 

"I'll go get you some water." She shook her head, as he weaved through the crowd again, pouring her glass and walking back over with a new sense of haste and urgency, although there was no real rush. 

"Thank you." She smiled, more butterflies swirling in her gut, as his hand returned to her hip. He grinned, his eyes drawing lines over her face, examining her. "What?" She almost whispered, words feeling soft on her tongue. 

"You're really beautiful, do you know that?" His face softened slightly, the grin still radiant and ever present. 

"I do now." She whispered, tracing his face in return, her hand sliding up and down the length of his arm. The trance was broken as a 'Spence' rung through the apartment. His attention was taken away and y/n stood feeling slightly colder than before, her tongue darting out and over her bottom lip. 

"I told you he'd make an amazing dad," Angela bragged, a glass of champagne in one hand, her child's hand clasped with hers in the other. "And a great husband." Her brows shot up playfully, earning a nudge from Y/n. 

"We're not together Ange, so I don't exactly think marriage is in the books for us right now." She kept her voice low so Spencer couldn't eavesdrop, like he often fancied doing. 

Angela scoffed slightly, shaking her head, "Yeah, but it's coming, I can feel it. There is no way he isn't madly in love with you, do you see the way he stares? All googily eyed-" 

"-She's right." Penelope cut in, slightly less hushed, "the boy is in love and if he can't see that, then he is so incredibly blind and he should probably retake that IQ test." 

Y/n rolled her eyes, with a head shake of her own, "he only looks like that because I'm carrying his kid, believe me when this little thing is out of me, those googily eyes will only be for her." She let out, a twinge of sadness lacing her words. 

"You're dreaming Y/n," Angela went on, y/n's eyes catching with Spencers, feeling her whole body set on fire. "Did you not see that?" She pointed, her jaw slightly slacked. 

Y/n's eyes darted to the floor, "okay maybe..." She trailed off, biting the inside of her cheek. 

"Not maybe, sweet-cheeks. Spencie is soooo in _love_." Garcia cooed. _'That woman has watched too many rom-coms for her own good, it's warping her sense of reality'._ Y/n thought. 

With one more shake of the head, Y/n departed from them, making her way over to Spencer who was talking to Hotch. As soon as she stood beside him, his hand shot out and around her waist, drawing soft circles on her side. She blushed deeply, seeing Hotch smirk at Spencers unconscious action. 

Maybe? Y/n thought again. 

\------

The crowds of family and friends cleared out. Leaving Spencer and Y/n alone again. He had ordered her dinner and ran her a bath. When she made her way out, the lights were dim and there was soft music playing in the living room. Y/n perched by her bedroom door, observing Spencer on the couch, his tenth parenting book of the week in his hands, his eyes quickly scanning the pages before his fingers flicked them over. 

"This is romantic." She joked, floating into the room, her heart bashing against her ribcage so hard she thought they might crack. 

"Isn't it?" He responded, not once looking up from the page. Her chest tightened slightly as she made her way over, slowing down her pace. "I hope you're feeling relaxed, today was busy." He still didn't take his eyes off the book, merely shuffling over to make room for y/n on the couch. 

"I'm quite relaxed, thank you. And you made everything a breeze today, it was lovely." She smiled softly under the yellow glow of the lamp light. Her heart still relentlessly pumping. She swallowed thickly, "I couldn't have done it without you." 

Spencer finally rested the book in his lap, his eyes locking into hers. She couldn't breath, she couldn't think, she couldn't function at all. She was put under a trance by him, the familiar storm in her stomach picking up again. A shadow of a smile graced his lips and his hand glided up, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear. 

"I-" Spencer began, before furrowing his brow, weighing up the next sentence in his head. _'Just say it.'_ Y/n screamed in her mind, the words appearing on her face as she knitted her brows together also. His eyes squeezed shut, a sigh leaving his lips. "I've been wanting to do this- for so many months." 

There was a pause, the two of them inhaling slightly slower then usual, "wha-" 

Before she could finish, his lips were on heres, devouring her. Closer and deeper and stronger. She was lightheaded, like all the oxygen was getting sucked out of the room, the atmosphere closing in on the them, pressing down harshly on their chests. It wasn't a bad breathlessness, no, it was the best kind. The kind where you forget that you needed air at all. The kind, that even when your body if going limp, you're still not compelled to come up, to breath again. 

Unfortunately the breath came, Spencer moved away and his head rested against hers, "I've been waiting months for you to do that too." She huffed out a laugh, her hands weaving in his hair just the way he liked it. 

He laughed in return, before a notch situated between his brow again, "I love you." He said so quietly she almost didn't hear it. "I should say it more." He admitted, a small stab pricking into her heart. 

"You should," she teased, "I should too." She moved away slightly to look him in the eyes. "I love you. I don't think I ever stopped." 

"I don't ever want you to stop," He barley got out, before his lips were on hers again. Feverish and needy, like he was running out of time, like this might be the last time he could ever kiss her. 

"Do you want to stay?" She was finally able to speak, a smile gracing her lips. 

She heard him sigh, already knowing the answer, her shoulders sagging slightly. "I can't." He frowned, "I wish I could, but I can't. I'm going to see my Mom tomorrow, so I have to be up early, get a good nights sleep. Not that I wouldn't sleep well here, with you. It's just-" 

"I understand, Spencer." She attempted to not let her voice sound disappointed, "it's okay."

"I'll see you soon." He frantically nodded his head, "I'll see you so soon, you won't even notice I'm gone. I promise." He held her face in his hands, so delicately but so strong. 

_Love._

She thought. As he took one last look at her, before walking out the door. 

_Hopefully love will be enough._

A pit building in her stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my first message of today is to go read 'wild nights, wild nights' by persephonesgrace, if you haven't what are you doing with your life?
> 
> also quick question, i only have to write the epilogue for this fic. so do yall want me to post the rest of the chapters all together, once I finish the epilogue, which will probably be tomorrow, or spread them out?
> 
> thanks i love you, yall are so adorable i love your comments 
> 
> -A


	30. ...Then He Was Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys before we start, kinda terrified to post these last chapters idky, for some reason i feel like yall might not like them but i might just be reading into things idk. anyway i took some major creative liberty here, the timeline of events from now own will not correlate with events from the show. this is officially season twelve with the season seven cast.
> 
> major season twelve spoilers ahead...

\-----

_Love._

_She thought. As he took one last look at her, before walking out the door._

_Hopefully love will be enough._

_A pit building in her stomach._

\-----

She awoke with a smile on her face, feeling so well rested it felt like her body was coursing with electricity. She glided around her apartment getting ready for work, a new found pep in her step. It was like life had been breathed into her again, the fatigue wiped away, the worry scrubbed from her slate.

Spencer was forever present in her mind. Even before she woke up, he was in her dreams. It didn't matter that he hadn't been at work for a little while, because she still felt him there with her. She still felt the kiss they shared burning on her lips.

She sat at her desk daydreaming, staring at the photo she had put up of the two of them. Conversation continued around her, but she couldn't seem to focus on it, her mind was preoccupied. She couldn't wait until he returned, until she could wrap her arms around him-

"-What's wrong?" JJ's voice piped up, her brow furrowing quickly. Y/n's head raised, Prentiss and Rossi standing before them. Her gut twisted, she could already sense something was incredibly wrong.

And as the words left Emily's mouth, a knife was plunged into her stomach, "Reid is in jail."

"Jail?" Penelope questioned. Y/n's head spun in a circle, her hands gripping the wood of her desk, attempting to keep herself present.

"In Mexico." Emily answered. Y/n could feel herself hyperventilating, her hands shaking. She could hear JJ speaking, but the words were so distorted, she couldn't make them out. The only words she was able to distinguish was 'drug possession'. What the fuck was he doing in Mexico? He told her he was visiting his mom, he lied to her.

"Rossi, Morgan and I will head down there-" Emily began, a slight waver to her voice.

Y/n cut her off, "I'm coming-" She blurted out, shakily rising to her feet.

"-No you're not." Hotch interjected, taking his phone from his ear and placing it in his pocket. Her blood started to boil, right then and there.

"What? You can't-" Her jaw slacked.

"I can and I will." He left no room to argue as Prentiss and him began discussing details.

"Hotch," she almost whispered. He didn't turn his head, paying her no mind. "Hotch!" She said louder, prompting him to look at her, his face stoic and cold. "You can't do this, Spencer needs me." She pleaded, tears pricking in her eyes.

He sighed, his demeanour softening somewhat, "You aren't in the right state of mind to assist at the moment, go into my office and rest. I'll come in later and we can-"

"-What the fuck!? Why are you doing this? I need to see him, I have to help him-" The tears freely ran down her face, she hiccuped, as she swiped at them.

"-No you don't." He raised his voice, "you are not in the right state of mind, you will merely set us back, now leave, y/n"

Her lips quivered as she pulled her eyes away from him, too embarrassed and distraught to stand looking at his face. She bit the inside of her cheek, rising from her seat and flinging it against her desk before departing.

\-----

_Her heart almost stopped when he entered the room, her breath hitching. God, the man walking in was something else. His jaw was perfectly sharp, he was just the right height, his hair fell slightly into his face. He was just her type, dorky, but still looked like he could toss her around a little._

_His eyes caught hers, a slight furrow in his brow. He waltzed over, the team around her still making conversation she wasn't paying attention to. "And that's Reid."_

_"So you're the genius everyone has told me about." She reached out her hand. He stared at it for a moment, before slightly shrugging and taking her hand in his firm grip. She was going to have some fun with him._

_"And you are?" He asked slightly confused._

_"Y/n." She gripped him a little tighter, cocking her head to the side. "It's very nice to meet you handsome."_

_A chuckle came from behind her and she knew she had got to him as soon as a blush set deep into his cheeks. He pulled his hand away, his jaw slightly slacked. He was clearly lost for words. He proved it when he began to stutter, "I- uh."_

_"Cat got your tongue, Reid?" Morgan chuffed, a glare being shot from Spencer towards him._

_"It's alright, I tend to have that effect on people." She smirked._

_Yep, she was going to have so much fun..._

\-----

She didn't know when she fell asleep, but when she woke up, Hotch was sitting at his desk, his brow furrowed, phone in hand. Her eyes opened and closed a few more times, as she got a hold of her surroundings. She must have slept for a while, she could see the street lights had turned on and there was fresh rain on the pavement outside.

There was a stark difference between herself now and what she was like during the morning. It felt like she had gotten more sleep this past week than she had in almost her whole life, but now she was struggling to keep her eyes open. Stress and ache riddled her body, as she sat up with a whine.

"Who was that?" She asked Hotch, digging her palm into her eye.

"It was Prentiss," he answered plainly, clasping his hands in front of him on the desk. She wanted to sleep again, she couldn't explain how exhausted she was. She knew what laid there for her in her dreams. Spencer. How she wanted to return to him, reminisce on times that were nothing like these.

"Any good news?" Her question was futile, she could tell by the look on Hotchs face, the news wasn't good, if there was news at all.

"No. Not yet." He sighed, leaning back in his chair and running his hands over his face. He looked just as tired as she did, like he hadn't slept in days, the bags under his eyes darkening.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you." She fiddled with her hands, chewing her bottom lip, "I'm just worried."

"I understand. I probably would have reacted the same way." She could tell he was struggling to find words to put to this situation.

"Is he going to be alright?" She knew he wouldn't have an answer, at least not an answer she wanted, but she asked anyway. It was as if her insides were being torn. Just when she had thought maybe the universe was finally being kind to her.

"I- I don't know, I'm sorry." Even though she had expected it, her heart still sunk a little in her chest. "All I know, is that Reid is strong, and we'll get to the bottom of this." He assured her, although his voice told a different story.

"I thought we were going to be okay," a tear burned down her cheek, it felt so hot and emotional, she swore it would leave a scar. "But who am I kidding? Of course this shit happens." She scoffed slightly, choking back more tears.

"I swear to you y/n, I will do everything in my power to bring him home to you."

Y/n nodded with a melancholy smile, whispering a thank you.

But she couldn't shake the feeling Spencer wouldn't make an escape this time.

\-------

_Y/n thought she was going to have fun. But Spencer was proving to be a huge pain in the ass. She didn't know what she did, or when she did it, but she could tell Spencer had a hatred for her that permeated throughout his whole body. No matter what she did, it warranted a scoff or a snide remark from him. And frankly, she had enough._

_"Why do you hate me?" She blurted out, a notch forming between his brow as he took his eyes off his paper work._

_"I don't hate you." His response apathetic, "I just have a very strong distaste."_

_She scoffed, rolling her eyes, "fine. Why do you have such a strong distaste for me?"_

_He shrugged, his eyes still glued to his work, "I don't know, I just do." He answered plainly, making Y/n roll her eyes once again._

_"Come on, there has to be a reason." She probed, leaning over her desk towards him, "I'm a big girl, I can take it."_

_He cleared his throat, leaning back over towards her, "okay. You're extremely insensitive, you always think you're right, you never want to listen to anyone's advice and you're the nosiest person I have ever met in my entire life."_

_She nodded with a smirk, "anything else, genius."_

_"You have zero respect for anyone, you're extremely unprofessional at times, you never apologise for anything, even if you're wrong, and you just have a general lack of care for everything, people, yourself, doesn't matter, you don't give a shit." He spat, finishing off his sentence with a sarcastic grin, leaning back into his seat._

_"Wow that was a mouthful." Her eyebrows raised in surprise, genuinely shocked that he had the balls to say it to her face._

_"You asked."_

_"I did, and I'm proud of you for telling me." She ruffled his hair, watching his face scrunch up._

\-----

"Y/n" She felt herself being shaken awake. "Y/n he's back." JJ was standing above her, her hand on Y/n's shoulder.

It had been a couple of days since she heard the news, since then, despite Hotch's pleads, she had stayed in the office. Waiting. Waiting for any sort of news, anything that would tell her that Spencer was okay.

The elevator door ticked open and it was as if she was looking at a stranger, his hair was a mess, the bags under his eyes darker than usual. He looked so incredibly worn out. But then her eyes fell down to his hands, covered by a jacket, clearly hiding the fact he was wearing cuffs. She almost broke down then and there.

But she needed to be strong for him. So she picked her head back up, and flung her arms around him, the tears finally pouring out and soaking his shirt. She held his face in her hands, almost too afraid to touch him, just incase he broke.

"You look like hell." She whispered, her brows knitting together.

"And you look beautiful." He whispered in return, resting his forehead on hers. She huffed out a sad laugh, before closing the distance between, sharing a painful and longing kiss. A kiss that felt like it was the last time, because it might be. A kiss that told her he would always love her, and no mattered what happened, he wanted her to know that.

She finally pulled herself away from him, watching as if from a distance, as the others greeted him with open arms and breaking hearts. It was an out of body experience.

"I just got a text," Y/n didn't mean to hear it, but as Hotch began to speak, she couldn't stop listening, "Reid isn't eligible for the bureaus legal assistance."

Y/n almost choked, not wanting to hear anymore, but not being able to help it. "What?" Emily responded.

"He was never briefed, and he wasn't in Mexico on government business. They won't represent him." Hotchs voice echoed in her ears. She suddenly felt a blow to her stomach, finding it hard to stand on her feet anymore. This was a nightmare.

"Oh God." Emily huffed, "we're on our own." The pair turned to look at Spencer, Y/n looked to him also. Her heart shattered in two, as she thought of all the pain he had endured so far, and for his future pain that was inevitably coming.

He already looked broken, she couldn't imagine how bad it would get. One moment he was there.. then he was gone. And as he stood before her, it was like he never returned at all. He was slipping from her fingers once again, the sand in the hours glass spilling out of a crack in the side.

And as he walked out, with JJ guiding him, it felt like the last time.

_'There are so many fragile things after all._   
_People break so easily,_   
_And so do dreams and hearts...'_

_\- Neil Gaiman_


	31. Deja Vu

\-----

_And as he walked out, with JJ guiding him, it felt like the last time._

\------

"Spencer, why didn't you tell me where you were going?" 

"I know I'm sorry, I just- I didn't think this would happen." His tired eyes began to leak tears, y/n made an effort to comfort him, but there was only so much she could do. 

"You could have told me you were getting medication for your mom." She tilted her head to the side, aiming to bottle in her emotions. She had to stay strong. His eyes flicked down to her stomach, her hands laced together holding it. 

"Fuck." He let out quietly, "what- what's going to happen with?"

"Nothing." She assured him, her hand rubbing gentle circles on his back, "you're innocent, you didn't kill anyone, so you'll get out of this, and everything will be just the way it was before. _Good_." She was aiming not only to convince Spencer, but also herself. 

"But-"

"You'e innocent," she almost commanded, "so nothing is going to change. _Everything will be okay. We'll be okay."_

Deja Vu.

\------

The court room was buzzing, but Y/n's head was even more of a storm. Her stomach was bubbling, it felt like her back was constantly being pressed down, everything was aching. It felt like her body was responding to the mental anguish she was experiencing. She couldn't even imagine what Spencer was going though. Emily and Penelope were siting beside her, each holding one of her hands. 

Morgans foot was feverishly tapping against the wooden floorboards, y/n had never seen him so nervous. Hotch was composed as always, a stoic expression that had undercurrents of unease. JJ's eyes were already glassy and Rossi couldn't seem to stop playing with his watch. Everyone was on edge. 

_"Case Number 148-CR 0308, U.S versus Reid."_

And all eyes were cast to the stand, but y/n was staring at Spencer. Although she could only see the back of him, she could see the pain evaporating into the air around him. The hands she was holding clamped down tight and it was like the oxygen was being pulled from the room. 

"M.s Duncan, your client is an FBI agent, correct?" 

"That's right, your Honour." 

Y/n wasn't used to this, waiting. She was always up, always moving. She felt like a sitting duck, doing nothing but waiting to get slaughtered. There was nothing she could do, no one she could call. This wasn't in her hands and it was beyond painful. 

"You're charged with murder, which is a very serious matter." 

"Yes your honour." Spencer stated.

She hadn't been able to hear his voice in days. God it was so good to finally hear it. It was so familiar, but it was like she had never heard it at all. It was like he was so different already. 

"Alright, M.s Duncan, does your client wish to enter a plea at this time?" 

"He does." 

It was like the world was at a stand still, at least for her. She just wanted him to come home, to hold her. She didn't want to admit how much she needed to be comforted by him. Nothing had happened to her directly, but it was like a bullet to her chest. So powerful and destructive. And nothing could have prepared her for it. 

"And how do you plead, Agent Reid?" 

"Not guilty." 

She saw him nod, his shoulders pressed back slightly. _'Thank god',_ Penelope whispered beside her, but god had nothing to do with it. How cruel did the world have to be, to put Spencer through this kind of pain. _'Hasn't he lost enough? Hasn't he endured enough?'_ She thought.

"And as to bail?"

"The people oppose bail and request remand, your Honour." 

"Your Honour, my client presents no risk of flight." 

The faces around her dropped and her heart began to speed up once again. Although it was futile, she prayed. She prayed to whatever was out there to show Spencer mercy, to bring him back to her. 

"That's ridiculous, the defendant was arrested after fleeing the murder scene in Mexico."

"Those were extenuating circumstances. He'd been drugged against his will."

"By failing to notify the FBI of his international travel, the defendant violated the bureau protocol."

It was like a tennis match. Heads flicking from one side of the room to the other, she could see them moving in her peripheral vision. But her eyes continued to stay stuck to Spencer. The voices in the room dimming down to barley a whisper in her head. Now the only words present were from her own voice and the memory of his breathing. 

"My client presents no flight risk. He has deep ties in this community. His mother suffers from Alzheimer's disease and schizophrenia and lives _with_ him. He is solely responsible for her well-being. Additionally, he's been a decorated SSA with the FBI's behavioural analysis unit for over a decade."

"And as an FBI agent, he has contacts all over the world."

She could feel Hotchs eyes now peering at her. She didn't dare look up at him, he would see what a mess she was. He would see how close she was to begging for his freedom. In her head, it was a matter of time until he got released, but this trial was too close for comfort. His daughter needed him, _she_ needed...

"Agent Reid would be willing to turn over both his personal and government issued passports-"

"- _If_ he wanted a counterfeit passport, he could easily get one."

"He has no criminal history." 

"The defendant is uniquely situated to evade law enforcement should he flee this jurisdiction."

Voices began to raise once again, and Y/n was finding it hard to keep hers at bay in her head. Her heart was screaming at her, her stomach was knotting continuously, everything about this situation wasn't right.

"Your Honour, he wants to stay and clear his good name-" 

"-He should have thought of his good name before sneaking across the boarder."

"I'm prepared to present multiple law enforcement character witnesses on his behalf right now. The witnesses are here in the courtroom, all highly respected FBI agents-"

"-Simmer down, M.s Duncan. It's almost six o'clock and I'm not inclined to hear from character witnesses. Actions speak louder than words, I always say."

She felt like she was being buried alive. Dirt pressing against her chest and crumbling into her lungs. She couldn't breath, she couldn't move, all she could do was stare at Spencer, and hope her love for him, would somehow create a miracle

"We'd be willing to abide by a curfew and strict monitoring of his whereabouts at all times." 

"Too little too late, counsellor. If past behaviour is the best indicator of future conduct, and I do believe it is, then your client presents a flight risk."

The last nail was punched into the coffin...

_"Bail is denied."_

Her heart beat came to a screeching holt. "No." She whispered, shakily pushing to her feet, almost plummeting down to the ground. "Spencer." Her voice barley allowed her to speak, she caught his eyes, they were terrified, yet he still managed to look strong. 

"The defendant will be remanded to federal custody pending trial." 

And the gavel went down. 

She saw the cuffs return and could barley stand the site. She almost fell, until Hotch caught her, her head now buried in his chest. She was heaving, hearing feet shuffle behind her. She wanted to see him walk out, but she couldn't will herself to do it. It was far too painful. 

Spencer felt his soul leave his body at that moment. His head turned, watching as Y/n sought comfort from her friends. He wanted to say something. He wanted to tell her he loved, tell her it wasn't goodbye, tell her it wasn't over. But he was unable to speak. His tongue twisted and tied, forcing him to remain speechless. 

And as his feet reluctantly dragged across the wooden floors, he felt a small piece of him die. A piece he would never get back. 

He would never be the same.

\-----

"Hey dad, how you holding up?" She kept her voice quiet, trying not to focus in on the multiple tubes and machinery working around her inside the hospital room. 

"Hey pumpkin," even after a major surgery he was still able to hold it together for her. "I'm fine." He croaked. 

Deja Vu

It was so painfully familiar. He ended up okay last time, but she had a feeling he wouldn't be so lucky this time around. Hospitals were all the same, no matter where you went. Sterile and cold. Every time she had step foot into one, it always meant tears, and bad news and heartache and death. She couldn't stand it, but the one thing she couldn't stand more, was the site of her father lying to her, in an effort to make her feel better. 

But it only made her feel worse.

 _'How did everything get so fucked up?'_ She thought.

She cleared her throat, "have the doctors told you anything yet?" 

"They've been talking to your mother, I haven't really been able to listen." He chuffed. 

She nodded, not allowing the tears to prick in her eyes, "I see. When Mom gets back I'll ask her." There was a stale silence between them. One she didn't feel often, one she hadn't felt since the last time he had cancer. 

She took the time to scan her surroundings. Allowing herself to finally hear the beeping and see the monitors and gage just how serious this was. To allow her mind to process this once more. She never thought this would happen again. She almost didn't think of it as a possibility. But alas, the world was cruel, and disease didn't care if you were a good person or not. 

"So, how is everything with you and Spencer?" 

And her heart managed to drop even further into her stomach.

\-----

She was looking a little more frail. Her eyes sunken in, her lips chapped, the colour drained from her face. She looked miserable. All because of him. She was doing this for him and he was too worried to even be grateful. He could tell she was trying to put on a brave face, but the mask she had created was cracking and the hurt she felt for him was seeping through. 

"How are you?" Her lips slightly turned, before flicking down quickly, as the voices of inmates whistling at her, swam in her ears. Spencer felt rage bubble in his chest, threatening to boil over if he heard one more disgusting comment. 

"Better now that you're here." He responded, feeling her grab his hands, quickly pulling them away at the sound of the guards. "How are you and the little peanut going?" He watched as her smile became genuine, her eyes closing slightly, her shoulders relaxing. 

"She's good. The doctor says she's strong, development is moving along nicely." She joyfully held her hands over her stomach, "you know, every time I see you and you start to talk, I can feel her kick. It's like she knows you're there." She grinned, the thought sending a warmth through his body. 

"She probably can, you know?" Y/n's eyes brightened, as Spencer spoke, "Studies have shown, that a foetus can not only feel their mothers physical pain, but also gage their emotional state, as chemical signals travel through the placenta. So she probably can tell you _love_ me." He teased, watching her roll her eyes. 

"I think anyone could tell that." She giggled, the smile slowly but surely fading. Y/n looked tired, so incredibly tired and Spencer couldn't help feeling like it was his fault. 

"You know, if you're not coping you don't have to visit this often-" He began.

"-No I want to be here." 

Deja Vu. 

_He just wanted to hold her, it felt like he hadn't felt her touch in a life time. And as she sat in front of him fidgeting, he couldn't help feeling like she wanted to be anywhere else. But she still had a smile. It was her first visit._

_'She'll get used to it'. He thought, 'god how I hope she doesn't get used to it'._

_They talked for a while. She asked how he was settling in. He told her it was okay. He didn't need her worrying. Nothing about this situation was okay, and she saw right through him as the words tumbled out._

_As time went on, she became more restless, chewing the inside of her lip and tapping her feet. She was uncomfortable._

_"I know this must be hard for you," he said, "if you can't keep doing this, I understand-"_

_"-No I want to be here, I just- hate seeing you like this."_

She said that every time he asked, which was almost every time she visited. But it was feeling more and more insincere. He didn't blame her. He wouldn't blame anyone. It was exhausting just being in that place. It was suffocating. 

Spencer sighed, his hands winding together in front of him, "I hate seeing you like this." Y/n said, the words were becoming frustrating to Spencer, although he'd never say it. 

"I know you do." He let out, finally locking eyes with her, tilting his head to the side. "How's your dad?" 

He saw her lip quiver, "he could be better." She smiled half heartedly. 

"Not good?" He sighed, wanting to reach out, wanting to give her some sort of comfort. 

Her breath hitched, "not good." She said just above a whisper, "and I don't think it's going to get better." 

"I understand." He pushed his hands across the table, resting them less an inch away from hers, already feeling her body heat radiate onto him. 

"Times up!" The guard shouted. Chairs scratched against the floor as loved ones departed from each other. Y/n wiped her nose, reluctantly pushing the seat back. The pair stood in front of each other, their breathing synchronised. 

"Fuck it," she muttered, flinging her arms around his neck and closing the distance between them. He felt like a man starved, finally getting fed again. The life was being breathed back into him. And although it was only for a moment, he knew it would last a life time. 

"No touching!" 

They pulled apart, Spencer physically having to stop himself in order to obey the rules. And as he filed back in, hearing Y/n's footsteps trail out behind him, he smiled genuinely for the first time in almost two months. The kiss burnt on his lips. 

He felt alive again. 


	32. Love Is A Bitch.

\------

_And as he filed back in, hearing Y/n's footsteps trail out behind him, he smiled genuinely for the first time in almost two months. The kiss burnt on his lips._

_He felt alive again._

\------

"He's what?" Y/n was shocked awake, her heart bouncing against her ribcage. 

_"Reid's in solitary, he was stabbed. Y/n I know you're already on leave, but I need you down here. Do you want me or Morgan to pick you up?"_ Hotchs voice swirled in her ears. 

Solitary? Spencer was stabbed? 

All of this was so surreal. 

"C-can you send Morgan?" 

_"Of course, he'll be there in ten, be ready."_ Hotch's voice disappeared as the line went dead. She thought everything was fine. She was told everything was fine. And now suddenly Spencer was stabbed? 

Her back was aching and she had only just fallen asleep, but she managed to slink out of bed. Her hands were shaking as she packed her bag and tried to make herself look presentable. The next thing she knew, she was in an SUV, Morgan's foot pressed down against the accelerator. 

"Morgan, is there something you're not telling me?" His face remained neutral, his only tell of frustration was his knuckles turning white as he clutched the steering wheel. "Why was Spencer stabbed?"

"We think he stabbed himself." Morgan let out, his tone cool and even. 

"Stabbed himself!?" The air felt thick, and hard to swallow, "why- why would he do that?" 

"Because he thought he was in danger." The answers Morgan was giving were less than satisfactory. They just made more questions pop into her head. 

"Danger?" She shook her head, "What are you talking about?" 

"Y/n, Spencer didn't want you to know..." He trailed off, making y/n sigh in frustration. "This wasn't the first time this sort of thing has happened to him." 

"All of you lied to me? He lied to me? He could have told-" 

"-He didn't want to stress you out." 

"Fuck that. What about now? Morgan, what is happening?" Her head was reeling with worry and queries. God knows how much they haven't told her. She felt her joints stiffen, and shock set in as she tried to process the information. 

"That's not all," Morgan took a deep breath, slightly shifting his focus to y/n. "Before I tell you, you have to promise not to get your hopes up. 

"Okay?" She spat. 

_"We're getting Reid out."_

\-----

"Lindsey? Lindsey Vaughan? Yeah Spencer had told me about that case, it was really fucked up." She began to fidget in the chair she was made to sit down in, although she would much rather pace around. 

"We think she's Aidens partner." Y/n's jaw slacked slightly, now glad she had taken a seat, "and she's abducted Spencers Mom." 

"H-how do you know it's her?" Her brows knitted together as she stared back at the team who were intently looking at her. 

"Reid saw her, when his Mom came to visit unexpectedly, she was posing as her nurse, under the name of Carol Atkinson." 

"Why would she- why would she do that?" 

She was frantically searching everyone's eyes looking for answers. Hotch kneeled in front of her, his hand resting on her shoulder. "Look y/n, we didn't want to worry you, but after what happened to Reid, we felt it was best to bring you in." 

"We think Lindsey may be trying to get Spencer back for the case ten years ago, but we aren't too sure. But I'm going to the courts to hopefully get Spencer out tomorrow." Emily added, standing closely behind, her face comforting and soft. 

"That means we have twelve hours to make an airtight case, and we need all the help we can get." Emily looked up at JJ, who's eyes were full of frantic worry. Y/n scanned through the mass amount of information she had received, pausing for a moment to collect herself. 

"Where do we start?"

Files upon files filled the round table room. The coffee pot was on and everyones brains were wired. It was silent for so long, Y/n thought she wouldn't be able to pull herself from her own head. There was a new type of rush. A rush to not only save Spencer, but his mother as well. Hours were passing like minutes. And it felt like they had nothing-

"Guys," Morgan pulled his head out of his computer. "I got Carol Atkinson crossing the border at Los Indios." He rose from his seat, taking panicked steps towards the map posted up on the board. "There's a factory nearby that manufactures Non-FDA-approved seasickness tablets. Essentially, scopolamine pills." 

"Los Indios is only a forty minute drive to Matamoros." Y/n stated, titling her head to the side to capture all the information presented on the board in front of her. 

"Looks like we've got Lindsey where we need her." Rossi sat back in his seat with a firm nod. 

"Now we put the knife in her hand." Hotch stated, leaning back against the table. 

\-----

It was an hour before Prentiss had to leave. All the evidence they had was circumstantial. They were able to connect partial prints to Lindsey from the murder scene, and track her movements within Mexico, connecting her to another murder committed with her fathers gun. But it was a long shot. They needed more concrete proof to show that Spencer was framed.

Tensions were high, and Y/n felt herself loosing hope, "what do we do now?"

"Now," Hotch said, "now we pray this is enough."

The bullpen had never been more quiet. Waiting for the news was painful. Her mind was like a collage, pasting together events and cutting them into pieces. It had been so long since she could properly see him, since she could hold him. But still she felt it. She remembered the way his lips felt. She remembered how delicately he held her. She remembered the way he would play with her hair. 

She remembered everything. 

But a memory wasn't good enough. 

She needed to the real thing. And as if her prayers had been answered, Hotch returned, his phone delicately sliding into his pocket. 

Y/n rose to her feet, barely able to stand on them, the ground feeling like it would collapse underneath her weight. But as Hotch simply nodded, barely concealing his smile, the ground beneath her became stable again. 

Her eyes were glassy as she stepped into the doorway. Spencer looked completely shocked, like he had seen a ghost. He was a sight for sore eyes, but he still was painful to look at. He looked cracked and broken. 

Silence filled the space between them, almost feeling like it would keep them apart. 

_"We're taking you home."_

But it didn't. She promised herself nothing would keep them apart again. 

She could finally breath again. She felt like she had returned home after years away. He was so familiar and so comforting and she felt a sob thunder through her chest, and split her open. Their love was so vulnerable and consuming. 

He held her like she was going to slip through his fingers, but y/n gripped tighter, showing she would never leave again. The pressure of his lips against hers was almost bruising, it was so feverish and hungry and dizzying. His hands held her face like it usually did. And electricity sparked between them, a feeling she thought would never return. 

"Oh my god." He whispered, now staring into her eyes, his hand against her stomach, "I was so scared..." 

"I know." She pulled him back into her embrace, holding his head as he buried it into the crook of her neck, "I know. But I'm here, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you again."

\------

"Cat?" Y/n's eyes widened, as she stared at Hotch and Emily standing before them, Spencer still sitting in her arms. 

"Son of a bitch." Spencer whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I should have known." 

"There was no way you could have baby." Y/n pushed the hair out of his face, sitting herself up properly. 

"She's right Spencer," Emily responded, "and she wants to see you." 

"No." Y/n spat out, "no fucking way, you don't owe her anything." She clutched his hand tightly, pulling them closer to her. 

"It's probably the only way he can get his Mother back, Y/n" Hotch tilted his head slightly, his features softening. 

"There has to be another way." She pleaded, her eyes searching the people in front of her, finding nothing but dissatisfaction, "there has to be." 

"Y/n I don't think so, we just have to play her little game, there's no choice." Spencer appealed, his tried eyes helping to form a sad smile. 

"Okay," Y/n whispered, "as long as you're fine with it Spencer." 

"I'll be fine." He nodded. 

\-----

His fingers ran over each other as he stared into the interrogation room. Y/n placed a calming hand on his shoulder, JJ standing next to her, "we'll be here the whole time." She saw Spencer take a long breath, pressing his nails into his palms. 

He moved past them both, a look of both anger and composure on his face. Y/n let JJ trail out behind him, opting to stay and observe behind the protection of the two way mirror. 

There was silence for a beat, and it felt like the world took a breath of anticipation. Cat's face slowly grew a twisted smile, "Spencie." 

"Where's my Mother?" The door shut and Y/n almost jumped out of her skin. 

"I missed you." Cat cooed, y/n's eyes felt like they were going to roll back into her skull. 

"What did you and Lindsey do to her? How did you-" 

"No. Stop!" She put a hand up, y/n could feel anger boil in her stomach, "you don't get to walk in here and hiss at me like I'm a criminal. No, we do this my way." 

Another moment of silence, before Spencer kicked the chair out. "Have a seat." Cat smiled. "How's prison, did you like it?"

"No." 

"Not fun is it?" 

"Unlike you, I didn't deserve to be there." 

She gasped, "I almost forgot, how's that little girlfriend of yours? Aiden really did a number on her didn't he?" She mocked, a laugh almost leaving her lips. Y/n's nails pressed into her palms, creating small crescent moons on the soft skin. 

"We're not here to talk about her, where is my mother?" 

Cat cocked her head to the side, "how did you stay sane? A brain like yours needs stimulation in such a grey place."

"I worked in the laundry room, and played chess." 

Y/n could no longer keep focus, her mind wandering as she stared at Cat leaning over the desk towards Spencer. A predatory glaze covered her eyes. Cat disgusted her, she wanted nothing more than to see her locked back up like the animal she was. 

"I almost believe you don't want to kill me." Cat smiled, Y/n finally bringing her attention back into the room. 

"I don't want to kill you." Spencer replied, causing y/n's heart rate to speed up. 

"No?" 

He shook his head, "no." 

Cat's tongue darted over her bottom lip, "what if I let your mother die?" She probed, seeing no reaction from Spencer she leaned forward, whispering, "what if I went after that pretty little girl of yours again. But this time, I would make sure she didn't get out of it alive." 

Spencers breathing became uneven, his eyes darting to the floor for a moment. 

"Then would you kill me?" She tilted her head, "or would you just... hurt me?" She almost grinned, "would you, pin me down, and leave bruises that don't go away? Just like you did to Y/n?" 

Y/n blinked as Spencer leaned towards her, "is that what you want?" 

"I guess I just want to know if you would... if you could."

"No." Spencer let out quietly.

"No?"

"It's not the kind of man I am." He replied.

"Do me a favour, and tell blondie over there to step aside, because we're going to play another game." She grinned, "And this time, we're going to find out exactly what kind of man you are." 

JJ reluctantly began to exit the room, Cat waving her out with a cocky bite of her lip. "Oh, and say hi to Y/n for me, I know she's back there."

"So the same game as last time?" Spencer asked, "I answer every question you ask honestly?"

"No, this time you get to ask the questions."

"About what?" 

"Well, I know a secret." She bit her lip, "About you... And you can ask me as many questions as you like to figure it out. But, you only get one guess as to what it is." She leaned her arms against the table, "Now, guess correctly, I take your phone, I call our friend Lindsey, and I tell her to release your mother unharmed."

"If you don't..." She slid two fingers into her mouth in the shape of a gun, giggling as she pretended to shoot.

Y/n felt nausea take over her body, as she quickly dismissed herself. She pushed open the bathroom doors and promptly emptied her stomach into the toilet. She slung her head back, trying to gulp down as much fresh air as possible. 

"Hey, is everything okay in there." Emily appeared behind her, kneeling down. 

"I'm fine. I just need a minute." She took deep breaths, her eye's screwed shut. 

"How's it going in there?" 

"It's just a little hard to watch." She admitted, the whole situation was a twisted version of events she had seen before. 

"Take your time y/n, Spencer can handle himself." 

"I know, just... Cat is something else entirely."

\-----

Y/n reentered the room, watching Spencer cock his head to the side.

"Love. Is that what this is all about, love?" He swallowed, "Or my mother?" He took a moment to think, leaning over the table, "No... For you. You want me to admit that I am actually in love with you." 

"Don't get me wrong, I love my fairy tales, clearly, as much as the next girl," She shook her head, crossing her arms in front of herself, "but I'm not delusional." 

"Are you sure about that?"

"Very sure. So sure, in fact, that I had Lindsey leave a clue for you in your little scrapbook in your house. I couldn't have you come all the way down here and make a guess until I was positive." She smiled, tilting her head to the side. "That is... Until I tested positive." 

"What, you're pregnant?" He spat out. 

"We're pregnant." She said with a breathy tone, her eyes darting to the mirror, Y/n suddenly felt sick again. 

"No." 

"Oh, yes." Spencer was slowly standing up, "Mazel tov." 

He stumbled out of the room, y/n meeting him at the door, "what is she talking about Spencer?" 

"She- she's lying, we never-" He wouldn't meet her eyes, his feet began to pace around the floor, "I don't understand." 

"Spencer what happened in Mexico?" Spencer was getting further and further away from her, until he darted back into the interrogation room. "Spencer!?" She called back.

"Trouble in paradise?" Cat mocked, her tone laced with poison, as she took pleasure in seeing the confused grimace creeping onto Spencers face. 

"It's not possible. Even if you are pregnant, the baby's not mine." Spencer pushed his hands deep into his pockets, his face composed again, aiming to not give away his emotions.

"Except for the part where it is." 

"That's completely preposterous. You've been in prison." 

"So have you." She shot back, a grin plastered to her smug face. 

"And we've never..." 

"I know. We've never..." Silence engulfed the room, Cat leaning back with a suggestive shrug of her shoulders. "Ask me how I did it... Come on, ask me."

"How did you do it?" 

"I had Lindsey dose you in Mexico. You lost time. And I gave her very specific instructions to get you in the mood." Y/n felt her stomach tying in knots, seeing the scene play out in front of her. 

"What, did she pretend to be you?" Spencer scoffed, with a slight shake of his head.

"Why? Would that have worked?" She smiled. 

"No." 

"Yeah, I know, I know. Believe me, I know exactly where I stand on the Spencer Reid hot or not list." She clicked her tongue, failing to hide the downward inflection and disappointment in her voice. "I told her to pretend to be Y/n." Both Spencer and Y/n's eyes widened, "You know, the love of your life? The woman carrying this little ones half sister?" She lovingly held her stomach, looking up with a smug grin. 

"You're lying." 

"Spencer it's Y/n." Cats voice pitched up higher in a mocking tone, "Spencer it's okay, come here." 

"Shut up." 

"Shhh. You want this." Cat whispered suggestively.

"I said shut up." He slammed his fists on the table, y/n felt herself flinch, a bad feeling coursing through her. 

Cat didn't move a muscle, "that little whore of yours doesn't stand a chance." She shook her head, "She's too weak, she can't handle a _man_ like you." Cat reached out, sliding a hand down his chest.

"Stop." 

"What?" Cat feigned innocence, "you don't like me telling the truth. We both know you don't care about her. She's just another thing you fucked up, and you're going to forget about her, just like you forgot about me-" 

It was as if history was repeating itself. Y/n watched in horror, as Spencer slid the table aside, pinning Cat to the wall and wrapping his hands around her throat. JJ rushed out, muttering a 'stay here' to y/n. 

She felt frozen as she saw JJ attempt to pull Spencer off of Cat, the words around her melting into air and becoming incoherent. But as y/n snapped out of her daze, she noticed Spencer was still going. She pushed herself into the room as fast as she could, standing in the door way. 

"Spencer!" She yelled. His hands loosened their grip on Cat, slowly falling by his side. All eyes were on her, and she felt Cats gaze burning her skin. She had the same smirk on her face, as she rubbed her chest, still heaving. 

Spencer looked horrified, as he darted past y/n who trailed behind him, "Spencer wait!" He quickened his pace down the hall. "Spencer Reid, stop right now!" She command, his movements coming to a halt, but still not turning to face her. He simply pressed his back to the wall, and slid down it, Y/n manoeuvring herself slowly to the ground.

"I'm- I'm scared this is who I am now..." 

"Spencer, don't say that." She cupped his cheek. 

"You don't- you don't understand. You don't know, what if-" 

"I do know, Spencer. I know you. I know what's in here." She pressed her hand to his heart, "you are the kindest and most brilliant and most caring person I know. And that's why I love you. Because I know that no matter what happens, you will still be that person at heart." 

"You don't know what happened. You don't know what I did to survive-" 

"I know, that you were in a tough position, and anyone would have done what you did." She tilted his head up to look at her. 

"You wouldn't have." His voice was so small and weak, she could see his eyes become glassy as he looked at her. 

"Spencer I'm not an angel," She laughed sadly, "I'm sure if I was where you were, I would do a lot worse, but that doesn't make you a bad person. The only one that thinks that doing what you did to survive makes you a psychopath is her." Y/n knitted her brows together, pointing to the interrogation room, before saying quietly, "Only she does." 

Spencers head shot up from his hands, "that's the secret... What I don't want to admit about myself." His jaw slacked, as he helped Y/n up off the floor, "She thinks that I cheated last time because I lied about her dad, so it's integral to her that she beats me by following the rules." 

He began to pace again, making y/n slightly dizzy with his movements, "not only does she want to show me that I'm just like her, but I'm worse and I enjoyed it. That I had a choice. That I could have made the right decision but chose not to." He cupped her cheek, a surprised dopy smile on his face. 

"Lets go save your mom." Y/n grinned. 

He closed the distance between them, pressing his lips softly into hers, "thank you," he whispered. 

"That was all you Spencer." She rested her forehead on his, "now go, I'll tell the team what's happening." 

"I love you." He smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "I'll see you both after," he lovingly held her stomach, before dashing off. 

\------

***"I'm going to need you to push, honey." 

Y/n slung her head back, sweat beading in her brow. Pain over took her whole body, as she tried to stay alert. "Fuck," she groaned, clamping her hands into fists. She felt a soft hand push her hair out of her face, as she felt a pained smile form on her lips. 

"You doing so great baby," then she heard his voice, so calm and sweet in her ear, whispering words of praise. "Just one more," and with the last of her energy she pushed, finally able to relax after. 

A moment passed and she realised where she was. The hospital. It was probably three in the morning when she had been woken up by a sharp pain in her lower stomach. She remembers Spencers frantic, yet excited face, which soon turned to worry, when he processed what was happening. She remembers politely telling him to shut up when he kept asking questions, then profusely apologising. All she did was smile and attempt to listen to his ramble. She remembers the nurses racing around when they told her she was going into labour. She remembers the excitement return and blend with the worry on Spencers face. 

And now she was in the present, hearing the faint sound of crying, and seeing a couple tears rolls down Spencers face. Tears began to roll down her cheeks also. as the nurse slowly trailed back over to her, a small child in her arms, which she promptly handed to y/n. 

The tears fell harder as she felt her weight press into her chest, feeling Spencer so close to her, his body heat radiated around her. She felt him press a soft kiss to the top of her head. 

_'Love'._

She felt so much love in that moment it overwhelmed her. She wasn't a crier, she prided herself on that fact. But now she couldn't stop the tears from falling. She was so incandescently happy. So filled with love that she couldn't bear it. 

And as she handed her daughter to Spencer, a warmth spread through her. Burning like a wild fire, overtaking her whole body. She saw him rock her gently, muttering words she couldn't quite make out, but only caring about the smile that was spread so widely across his face. 

_'Love'._ She thought once again.

Love was kind and patient and caring. Love brought both the best and worst things in life. It was a double edged sword that could be bitter and cruel, but when balanced perfectly, it was something almost divine. Something Y/n thought she never deserved. 

But as she stared down at the beautiful baby girl that was now in her arms again, then back at Spencer, she saw what love really brought. Love brought innocence, love brought new life, a blank slate. 

Love brought _hope_...

_'It was once said that,_  
Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you,  
But trusting them not to.'


	33. Epilogue

_"Mommy!" A little girl with wavy brown hair stumbled into the room, her locks flowing down her back as she ran, holding tight to her legs._

_Y/n gasped, picking the young girl up, "Hope you look beautiful." She cooed, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Hope was wearing a cute white dress with dainty pink flowers on it, she had a flower tucked in her hair and she was especially proud of her pink shoes._

_"Look at my shoes, Mommy. They're pink." She said with pride, being let down from her mothers arms._

_"I know darling, they're gorgeous-"_

_"-Speaking of gorgeous." Emily waltzed into the room, a flute of champagne in her hand, wearing a silk robe, her hair and make up done perfectly. Penelope not far behind, holding champagne for y/n also._

_"Where's daddy?" Hope peered up at her mother, tugging on her robe._

_Y/n bent down towards her, "Daddy is with Uncle Derek, why don't you and Aunty Pen go find him?" She flattened down Hope's dress, before kissing her on the nose. She scampered out, holding Penelope's hand, rambling on about her outfit._

_Y/n looked on with pride as her daughter skipped away, a huge smile spreading across her face. "We've got to get you into that dress," Emily announced, walking up behind her and turning her to face the mirror._

_She let down the robe, slipping into the white gown, her heart leaping in her chest. She stared down at her engagement ring, everything was making her smile, her cheeks hurt. She admired the dress, fixing her hair slightly as Emily got everything else ready._

_In the last hour, she had visits from her family, trying not to cry and ruin her makeup. But a few tears fell when her mother started to talk about her dad. It had been a rough year without him, she couldn't look at a picture with him in it, without sobbing. There was a small empty space in her heart. But she remembered that her dad wouldn't want her to dwell on grief, on what should be such a happy day._

_Instead she reminisced on the good memories of him. On the memories of when he used to take her out on his boat as a kid. The memories of them ganging up on her sister at the dinner table. The memories of him holding her daughter, the bright smile on his face that she thought she might never see again._

_And as the clock ticked down, nerves mixed with excitement, which mixed with love. And before she knew it, all the bridesmaids had filed out to the cars and she followed along with them. Their giggles ringing out, as they tried to shield her eyes, so Spencer and her wouldn't catch a glimpse of each other as they exited the house._

_She tapped her heels nervously on the floor, watching her friends and family funnel out and into the garden. She suddenly felt an arm link with hers, "are you ready?" She turned and saw Hotch, an uncharacteristic smile spread across his face._

_"I think so." Her lips turned up slightly as she held onto his arm._

_"You look beautiful." He said, shaking her slightly._

_"Thank you. Thank you for doing this for me." She said quietly, letting Hotch guide her._

_"Of course, it's an honour."_

_She was so ready, butterflies swarmed her stomach and she felt like a teenager again. But she was getting married, she was actually doing this. She looked down the aisle, which had been lined with lights and flowers, the seats buzzing with excitement as slow music began to play. Hope led the way, throwing petals around aimlessly as JJ helped guide her, small gasps of awe coming from the guests._

_She could see Spencers back turned as she looked through the crowd, Emily gently turning him around as Y/n waited. If she didn't cry before, she was definitely crying now. She bit down her tears of happiness as she saw Spencers eyes become glassy. He looked so damn handsome. His suit fitting perfectly, his hair at just the right length._

_He looked perfect._

_Everything felt like a blissful blur, the words of the officiant barely being processed. The only thing she processed were the words leaving Spencers mouth as he began to say his vows._

_"Y/n-" he chocked, letting out a small laugh, "-god I had this memorised, why am I finding it hard to speak." He chuckled, "uh- first and foremost, y/n I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you more than words can express, there are a lot of words in the english language, but I can't seem to find one to describe how amazing, and kind, and perfect, and beautiful you are."_

_Y/n huffed out a laugh as he wiped a tear from his cheek. "We've been through a lot, but I would do it all again if it meant I could stand here in front of you and tell you that you are the most important person in my life, tying with our beautiful daughter of course. I am so happy you never gave up on me, even when you definitely should have. You continued to support me, even when I was an ass, and even when I didn't deserve it."_

_"You gave me your all, even when I was giving you nothing. Because that's the kind of person you are. And now I want to tell you, that you have ever part of me, the good, the bad and definitely the ugly. And I would give you so much more, all you have to do is ask. Because I love you, and I will do everything in my power, to never loose you again."_

_"Spencer you ruined my make up," she laughed, taking a shaky breath ,as she was handed a piece of paper from Emily. "Unlike you, I do not have an eidetic memory, and I definitely need a transcript." She shook her head with a chuckle, "Spencer Reid. You are my everything. And it took me too long to realise that. We may have started our relationship 'hating' each other, but it turned into the strongest love I have felt in my entire life."_

_"We fell apart, and we fell back together again so many times, but now I realised that I never want to fall apart again, and I have made it my life's mission to make sure that happens. Not to sound cliche or cheesy or superstitious, but the only explanation I have for us, is that we were made for each other. I truely believe I have met my soulmate and that fate was kind enough to let us meet."_

_"Anyone else would have ran from a relationship like ours so fucking long ago. But I am glad I never did, because I would have missed everything that makes us so special. I would give the world for you Spencer Reid, and what makes it better, is that I know you give me that, and more, in return. And I promise to love you until my dying breath, because I don't think I could love anyone after you."_

_Through blurry vision, they exchanged rings. Delicately placing them on each others fingers, excitement coursing through their bodies. "I pronounce you, husband and wife."_

_"You may now kiss the bride."_

_Cheers rung out as she pulled him by the tie towards her, their lips smashing together. She couldn't stop smiling and laughing as Spencer cupped her cheek, before dipping her down. When they finally pulled apart, their daughter rushed over into her parents embrace_ _. She giggled as Spencer peppered kisses over her cheeks, as y/n watched on with a wide smile and a warmth spreading throughout her body._

Y/n flipped over the page within the photo album, Hope perched on her lap, Spencer to her side, leaning over her shoulder. They glanced at the photos, Hope asking questions as they made their way through their wedding album.

"Do you have any more photos Mommy?" She asked a large grin on her face as the book closed.

"I think so, just give me one second sweetie." She pushed herself out of her seat, feeling Spencer kiss the hand he was holding, as she slinked away. She smiled lightly, as she heard the chatter in the living room between her daughter and husband, the young girl going on a tangent about a topic she probably shouldn't understand at her age. She was indeed her fathers daughter.

Y/n rummaged through the bottom of her closet, pulling out a dusty photo album, the corners pressed in, the cover discoloured and scratched. She trailed back into the living room, sitting back in her place. She opened to the first page, a picture of y/n and Spencer in the office, a couple months after y/n had started working for the BAU, stared back at them. Spencer looked more than unimpressed, covered in coffee, Y/n displaying a large grin, as she held up her middle finger. It was after she had spilt her fresh cup of coffee on him, Morgan insisting on taking a photo. She specifically put the photo in to piss off Spencer.

The next picture was her first dinner at Rossi's. Spencer begrudgingly posing for a photo in which y/n and Emily kissed his cheeks, Morgan laughing in the background. The album was littered with pictures of the team on cases and out to dinner. Most of them featuring Spencer, of course unintentionally in the beginning, but soon turning into an album holding their best memories as a couple. A stunning canon photo of Spencer in an art gallery, the light hitting him just right. A photo y/n took of the two of them kissing in the rain, after their car broke down on the side of the highway.

Then towards the end, Hope appeared. Pictures from the baby shower, sonograms and doctors appointments. A photo of Spencer and y/n holding Hope when she was merely a month old, her parents staring at each other with nothing but love. Hopes first steps, Spencer crouched behind her, the brightest smile spread across his face as he cheered her on. Hopes first Christmas and pictures from random family outings.

Y/n and Spencer watched their daughter look on in awe at the memories, Spencer placing a soft kiss on y/n's cheek, before lightly hovering his hand over her stomach, a small bump beginning to appear. And as y/n sat in her living room, the warmth only grew. She was so in love, words had lost all meaning. 

_'This is it...'_ She thought, _'...I feel complete.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to my beautiful readers, 
> 
> god i fucking adore you. the love you have shown this fic has been so incredible and i can't express how much you all mean to me. i adore reading your comments and seeing that people have enjoyed this story brings me so much joy. 
> 
> this was my second fic and i am so incredibly proud of what ive made, she is my child and im so glad people enjoyed it. 
> 
> i don't really have much else to say except thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you. you guys mean the world to me and i am so excited to keep writing for you all and hopefully making more good stories. 
> 
> i am so sad this has to end but at the same time im so glad its finished 
> 
> i love you all, have a great new year and take care of yourselves 
> 
> -Amelie xx


End file.
